A/N: It's a long one. That's what she ... you get it.

_____

Coming home after my week away is always a relief. I hate being away from Gabe. Without him next to me, a part of my soul is missing. Now, I feel complete, I feel like I can breathe again.

I walk back out to the patio with the tea, handing one mug to Penny and keeping the other for myself. "This smells delicious," she says. It's chai from scratch and took me twenty goddamn minutes to make. It better smell delicious.

"Thanks." I wedge myself into the chair beside Gabe, my arm wrapping around his middle as I rest my head against his bony shoulder. He busies himself with his phone, his earbuds firmly blocking out anything and everything I try to say to him, but this still counts as cuddling in my book.

"You should have heard those pricks talking shit at the hospital today. I'm seriously about to quit," Penny says. She spins her hair up into a knot on top of her head. "They're all a bunch of fucking assholes who need to spend their time worrying about getting themselves laid rather than fucking with you," she says then huffs. "I hate people."

"It's going to be okay," I try to comfort her with a laugh. She's young, but Penny is the least judgmental person I have met since moving here. Without a filter of any kind, she makes it easy to trust that everything she says, good or bad, she means. Penny is a breath of fresh air in a world full of shit. "People were gossiping so much I'm almost glad to be gone."

"Well, I'm not. I miss you," she says with a frown.

"Then tell your boyfriend to invite me over for dinner more often," I tease.

She is mid giggle when her phone chimes. She looks at her screen and a little smile perks at the corner of her mouth. "Mickey is almost here. Are you sure Gabey Baby can't come too?"

I look at him, but he can't hear anything over his shitty music. Or, at least that's what he wants me to think. "No, his dad is in town and asked to steal him for dinner." When I look back, Penny has a wide-eyed stare. "What?"

"Gabe's dad?" she questions.

"Yes?"

"You have never mentioned his dad to me."

"I haven't?"

"No, I'm totally kidding. You've been raving about him nonstop since we met," she says with a roll of her eyes. I love her so much. "I've been sitting here imagining you had some torrid love affair in your past that you never speak about."

Oh, Penny. "Well ..." The doorbell rings just in time. "I'll tell you about it later," I say as I untwine myself from Gabe. "Or never. Whichever comes last."

Walking back inside and through the living room, I answer the door. When I open it, the godlike creature named Michael appears and suddenly everything around him looks like shit. He looks like someone photoshopped the best part of every Italian cologne model together into one person. How a human being can be that fucking handsome, I just don't understand. "Hi, Maggie," Michael says with his gleaming smile.

"Hello, Michael." I give him a sideways hug that he returns. "How sweet of you to come down from the heavens to visit us mortals."

He laughs and runs his fingers through his perfect hair so it falls even more perfectly into his perfect face. Ugh. "Maggie," he smiles wider. "We're basically family at this point. Call me Mickey."

I'd like to hate him, but he's also genuinely kind. The fucking asshole.

Penny runs over and jumps into his arms. He catches her with a smile and she grabs his face to kiss him. I stifle my gag and look away. They're perfect for each other -- two lovesick, little misfits -- but they are physically revolting to watch. I've learned my lesson the hard way that they are about ten seconds away from full-blown sex at all times. I shudder at the memory.

They're still sucking each other's faces when I ask, "Can you refrain from ripping each other's clothes off long enough to have some tea?"

Mickey laughs and pries Penny away from him. "I'd love some," he says. "Thank you."

I pour another mug of chai and hand it to him. "We're sitting out on the patio," Penny tells him. "Maggie's about to tell us about her sexy love affair with Gabe's dad."

"No, I'm not," I say. Mickey's eyes shift between the two of us.

We walk outside and Gabe never looks up from his phone. I sit next to him and pry an earbud from his ear. "We have a new guest," I remind him. "Can you break yourself from your internet friends to say hi?"

"Hi," he says without looking up. I take his phone from his grasp and set it face down on the cushion. He starts to glare at me, but when I give him a look, he thinks twice.

"Hi. You must be Gabe," Mickey greets him.

"Yeah. You're a porn star right?" Gabe asks him.

Mickey looks at me for approval. I shrug in defeat. "I am ..." he answers timidly.

"Is that a good job? Like, does it pay well?"

Mickey laughs in disbelief. "Not at all," he answers. "Stay in school, kid."

"Thank you," I tell him. I look over and catch Gabe smirk at me the way his father used to do. He's so much like him. He's graduating two years early with near perfect test scores and six languages on his application. That brain does not come from me. But neither do his looks. God, I hope he doesn't know how handsome he is ...

"Okay, so spill the tea," Penny says to me.

I glance down at the mug in my hand. "Why would I do that?" I ask her.

"Penny is using a colloquialism the youths use to mean 'tell me the gossip'," Gabe translates with sass. "She does not want you to actually spill tea."

That comes from me. "Thank you, child. But again, why would I do that?"

"If you won't tell me, your mini will," she says. "Gabe."

"Yeah?" he asks.

"What's the deal with your dad?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why does your mom keep him a secret? Does she hate him?"

Gabe laughs. "No. They're like best friends."

"But they aren't together? Past the time it took to make you, that is."

"No," he answers with a cringe. "He and mom were never together. Dad's been married before and has been with Jane almost a year now. Mom's never dated anyone as long as I can remember."

"What?" Penny says with shock.

"Yeah, this is fun for me," I say before taking another sip.

"Why are you so concerned with Maggie's love life?" Mickey asks Penny in an attempt to save me.

Penny scowls at him and says, "Because I'm pretty sure friends make sure their friends are getting laid on the regular." Mickey hangs his head in a hand. "That's a thing, right? No, that's definitely a thing." Gabe tosses his head back and laughs.

"I'm doing fine, Penny. But thanks for bringing it up in front of my child," I tell her.

"Oh, like he doesn't already know what's up. He just asked Mickey about doing porn," she quips. I don't know whether to cry or laugh. "Seriously. What are you going to do to entertain yourself when Gabe leaves for college?"

My heart sinks with the reminder. "I've been trying not to think about that, thank you."

"Penny has a point, Mom," Gabe says. He looks at me with his mismatched eyes. "You always say you're better off alone, but you haven't been alone. It's been you and me for sixteen years," he reminds me. "When next summer rolls around, I'm going to be in another state and only home on long weekends and holidays. I don't care if you're with someone or not, I just want you to be happy. I don't know if you'll be happy when I'm not here."

I stare at him, my chest aching as the lump builds in my throat. 

"Sorry, I'm hungry again," Gabe says in jest. "I'll go eat something." He walks away towards the kitchen.

Mickey gestures toward Gabe with his tea. "He is the sweetest kid I've ever met."

I smile at him but feel my brow tense. "Yeah." Fighting the urge to burst into tears, I press my palm against my brow.  

"Maggie ..." Penny comes over and wraps me in a hug. "Gabe wants you to be happy. Why does that make you sad?"

I sigh. "Because love is ... complicated for me."

Penny gives me a look. "Complicated? You're talking to the King and Queen of complicated." I laugh and blink away my tears. "Wait. Does that mean you're still in love with Gabe's father?"

"Gabe isn't talking about his father," I explain. "His father lived in India for the first twelve years of his life. We're still very good friends, I don't get to decide how Gabe feels about him. Gabe calls Remy his 'dad' because he's the one who has always been there for him."

"Besides you, of course," Mickey reminds me.

"Remy was always that way -- fatherly, selfless, compassionate. When I went back to work, he filed for legal guardianship so Gabe could stay with him while I was away." 

"He sounds like a great guy," Mickey says.

"He is. But he's just not for me." Gabe walks back out with a handful of cashews. "But, that's a story for another time," I say hoping the conversation will end. 

"But why?" Penny asks. "Was the sex bad or something?"

I snap my head to look at her.

"And, I'm out," Gabe says as he stands to leave.

"Jesus, Penny ..." I say with a mixture of resignation and admiration.

"Answer the question."

I sigh. "The sex was ..." I drift, my mind wandering to places I rarely let it go. Remy will forever be forbidden fruit in my eyes.

"Damn. That good?" Mickey jokes. I give him a look, but can't deny the truth.

"So, I don't get it. He's a great dad, you're basically co-parenting, you trust him, and the sex makes your brain stop working. What's the problem?"

"Remy is my rock and my hard place. We can't be together without hurting one another, and we can't be apart without the same." I roll my eyes at myself. "We're either best friends or we're having sex. We can't do both."

Mickey's brows stitch while he looks at me from over his tea. "Why not?"

"Too much history." They both stare at me as if I planned to continue. Guess I will. "He was very much in love with ... with my mother and ..." How do I explain this? "She passed away when I was young and his parents took me in as their own. We're family. We always had been." The pain in my chest worsens, but I don't feel like crying. "The first time we slept together, it was a big mistake and shit just ... fell apart between us," I admit. "Then I found out I was pregnant with someone else. I pushed him away to keep us both from having to deal with the pain, and ... it is what it is."

"So ... Do you love him or not?" Penny asks me. 

I open my mouth to speak when a deep voice calls out, "Hey."

We all look over and find Remy leaning through the door frame. "Hey!" I say as I stand to greet him.

Remy steps onto the patio in a tailored three-piece suit. It took him years of fatherhood to relax him out of his suit aesthetic, but only to settle for high-end athletic wear. This dinner must be a bigger deal than I thought. He looks good. Damn good.

He's not the massive pile of muscles he was when we were younger, but he stays in amazing shape for all the marathons and Ironman bullshit he does for fun. He rocks his natural curl with it shaved low on the sides and back like Gabe, with a short, groomed beard to match. He looks so much more like his mother with that olive skin, his perfect, plump lips, angled jaw, and eyes that stare into your soul. He's just ... fucking hot.

I pull him into a hug so no one spots me staring at him. He wraps an arm around my middle. 

"You okay, hon?" he asks me in hushed tones. "You look sad."

"Yeah, I'm fine," I lie with a smile. "Thanks for picking him up," I say. "He said he'll Uber back, he just said he didn't know which restaurant you were going to."

He looks down at me with a chuckle. "I can drop him off after, it's not a problem."

"I don't want you and Jane getting back too late. Let him Uber." I snap my attention back to my friends. "Oh, by the way, this is the 'Penny' you hear so much about."

Remy smiles and waves at her. "Hey there. It's nice to finally put a face to the name."

"Likewise," she says. "Not that I heard your name before tonight." She turns and gives me a look that could kill. 

I roll my eyes at her. "This is Penny's boyfriend, Mickey."

Mickey stands and holds his hand out to Remy who shakes it. "Nice to meet you."

Remy stares at him with a curious expression. "Why do you seem so familiar?" he asks Mickey. "Have we met before?"

Mickey smiles. "I get that a lot."

"I'm ready!" Gabe calls from behind us. I leave Mickey and Penny on the patio and walk with Remy through the living room to the front door. I open it for them, but Remy pauses. "Bye, mom," Gabe says when he breezes past me.

Remy grabs him by the arm and pulls him back toward us. Gabe gives him a confused look, but when Remy cocks an eyebrow, he promptly turns around to kiss my cheek. He's a good boy. Remy tosses him the keys. "Start it. Don't drive it. I need to talk to your mom." He looks back to me. Gabe trots off with a smile, leaving us alone. "You wanna tell me what's going on?"

"It's nothing. Gabe just reminded me he's leaving in a few months." It's too hard to lie to him, so I deflect. "What about you? Why are you so dressed up for a family dinner?" I say the words and it dawns on me. My heart drops to the floor. "You're going to propose to Jane."

He grins. "That was the plan, yeah."

I ignore the pain in my chest. "Well, shit! Congratulations!" I pull him into another hug.

"Thanks."

I lean away and bat him on the arm. "Why didn't you tell me?"

He opens his mouth to form an excuse but only sighs and resigns to the truth. "I was going to. It's just ..."

My smile starts to fade. "It's just what?"

"It's just that I never really know where things are between us."

I stare at him, a bit surprised. Not that it isn't true, I just didn't think it was that obvious. "Yeah, well ..." I feel my brow tense.

"Why are you about to cry? Talk to me, Mags."

"Um ..." I say when my voice starts to quiver. I take a breath to calm myself. "I think I'm coming to terms with what being alone will mean when Gabe leaves and ... I realized I never apologized to you."

"Apologized for what?"

"For running."

He looks confused. "Well, you didn't get far," he says with a small laugh.

"I'm serious," I insist. He crosses his arms, a look of confusion taking over his lazy grin. "There are so many times that I look back to those years in Vegas and know that Gabe was worth all of it. But if I could change certain parts, I would."

"Like what?"

"I was young, lost, hurting and ... I made a choice. Looking back, I was so obsessed with gaining my independence I didn't stop to think about why I wanted it. Now that I see how things ended up, how you always pushed back when I tried to push you away. How you have been and continue to be such an amazing father to Gabe," I say. "I wish I would have made the harder choice." 

"What do you mean?" 

"I should have chosen you." I look at him, feeling both guilty and relieved. He stares at me, letting me continue. "I don't have many regrets, but you ... Part of me will always regret missing out on you because it was too painful to admit that you were what I wanted most." 

He stares at me speechless.

"But that's ancient history now," I laugh at myself through my sadness. "What I meant to say was 'congratulations'. I'm so glad you have Jane, and I'm so glad you found someone who loves you the way you deserve. I know you two will be very happy together." I lean up and press a kiss to his cheek. A single tear drips from my eye. I quickly wipe away the evidence. I catch him staring at me with a confusing expression. When he says nothing else, I say goodbye with, "I'll see you later, Rem."

He keeps staring for a moment. "Yeah," he says, and then turns to walk away.

♡♡♡

Much later that night, I sit with Gabe on the couch watching our favorite show. I busy myself with braiding his hair, keeping my mind off the blind date Mickey set up for me next week. It doesn't work well enough. "You got home early. I guess everything went well with your dad and Jane."

"Hm?" Gabe murmurs, still staring at the screen.

"Nothing important or life-changing happened tonight?"

"Uh ... No?" he answers. "Other than abuelita getting drunk off one beer and causing a scene in front of Jane's parents."

"That's it?"

"Yeah. I thought it was hilarious, but Dad was in a mood all night. I don't know what his deal was." My heartbeat quickens in my chest. He didn't propose? "Shit, they're closing the doors. Oh my God, they're all about to die," he says with excitement. "She's pregnant though! This is so messed up." The dark snicker he lets out after is so me.

"Could you at least pretend this doesn't excite you?" I tease him.

"No," he says without hesitation. "Oh my God! It's happening!" I finish placing the little band at the end of his braid and then hit pause on the remote. "Mom, no! No, you can't stop it there!"

"If I don't, you won't sleep tonight. Trust me. We'll watch it tomorrow morning."

"Mom, come on, it's only midnight."

"Growing boys need sleep and so do old ladies. Go." With a grumble, he does as he's told. "Love you!" I call after him.

"Love you."

♡♡♡

A couple of hours later, I'm still unable to sleep. I smooth the lavender lotion over my arms and massage the rest into my hands. Looking back at my reflection, I feel like I am looking at a stranger. My maroon hair is as short and bright as the day I changed my name and moved to LA, but the lines on my face grow more prominent with every year that passes. It's crazy to think that my baby is nearly the age I was then. I don't know where the time has gone.

With a sigh, I pick up my glass of wine and finish the last sip. My phone starts to vibrate. I silence it, but when I see who is calling, I pick it up. "Remy?"

"Hey. Uh ..." he starts to say but seems hesitant. "I'm standing outside your door right now."

"What?" I hang up on him, leave my room, and run down the stairs. Pulling my silk robe tighter around me, I open the door and there he is, looking as confused as I feel. "Remy," I whisper angrily. "It's two o'clock in the morning. What are you doing here?"

He looks at me, his lips parted with words he doesn't speak. Finally, he lifts his hands with his shrug as if to present his words. "I left Jane."

"What!?" I yell then cover my mouth. "What?" I say in a much lower volume. "Why?"

He shakes his head, his hazel eyes staring at me from beneath furrowed brows. "Because she's not you."

_____

A/N: Thank you for reading! Don't forget to vote, comment, and add to your library if you want more!