"Maggie!" Deven greets me the way he always does. The look on his face is one of worry rather than his normal smile.

"Hi," I squeak, my anger now tamed to sadness. The minute I walked out, something inside me screamed that I shouldn't have left. But I couldn't stay with him. I was still too mad, still too hurt to process anything.

Deven wraps me into his thin arms. "Are you okay? I was so worried by the way you sounded on the phone."

"I'm ... I'm fine now. Don't worry," I say, the hesitation betraying my words.

"What happened?"

I sniffle, though I'm not crying. "Things fell through with Daniel and I can't go home right now."

"You can't go home? Why not?"

I shake my head, not knowing what to tell him. Because Remy won't leave, I think to myself, and then suddenly tears start to come out. "I just can't," I whimper. I wipe my cheek and he gives me a pout. I'm sure he'd prefer I tell him more, but I've learned my lesson. "Can I stay here for the night?"

"Of course you can." He runs his hand up and down my back. "You're shivering. Can I make you some tea?"

I let him go. "I'd really like that. Thank you."

He takes a few steps into his kitchen, giving me an encouraging smile. "I'm so sorry all this is happening to you," he says as he pours the hot water. "I wish I could help more."

"You've helped more than you think." I climb up to sit on his countertop and then hug myself for warmth.

He hands me the steaming mug. As I let it warm my hands, he runs his hands over my thighs and calves, letting them come to a rest at the back of my knees. My shivering calms under his warm touch, though most of it isn't due to temperature.

As I wait for the tea to cool, I take a real look at him and see he's more dressed up than usual. A slim, dark shirt hanging over a very well-fitting pair of trousers, the perfect wave of his hair styled back and out of his face. He's a step up from his usual carefree, professor chic. "You have plans tonight," I say rather than asking.

He looks hesitant. "I did ... But I will cancel."

There's a pang in my chest at the thought of him leaving. "No, no, you should go. Have fun before your trip back home."

His mouth twists with reluctance. He absent-mindedly glances towards a paper hanging from his refrigerator. I look over and find they are his clean STD results. He's trying to get laid. "I feel as if I should stay," he says.

"No, I'll be fine. Really," I assure him. "Go."

Dev's smile returns. "Alright."

"But I am going to sleep in your bed," I warn him. "So, tell your date to take you back to his place. I'm not in the mood for a threesome tonight."

That gains a little laugh from him. He places his hands on my arms, squeezing them gently. He stares me in the eyes and says, "Call me if you need me to come back."

"I won't. But thank you."

He grabs a few items from the counter and then presses a kiss to my cheek. "See you later," he says in his endearing accent.

"See you tomorrow morning." He walks out and I'm left alone with the silence.

♡♡♡

I lie in his nest of quilts and knitted blankets, staring at the ceiling as the tears trail down the sides of my face. I've been crying for so long, swimming in a sea of feelings I can't pin down. Sometimes it feels like guilt, sometimes like regret. A bit of disappointment, maybe. None of it makes sense, and yet all of it hurts.

The fact that I gave my trust to Daniel so blindly was foolish. I saw everything he was, everything he wasn't, but somehow I thought I had the upper hand. He is no different than every other man in my life -- only wanting to use me and abuse me for his own benefit. What hurts more is knowing Remy somehow had a hand in it.

I feel betrayed, but I'm not sure why. We were too close, too attached by our pain. I always knew that he would leave my life eventually, but I didn't think it would be sheer moments after I realized how close I wanted him ... The minute I want him to stay, he makes it easier to push him away. I suppose I should be thankful for that. But I'm not.

My chest still aches when I think about him. My skin hurts when I admit how much I want him even when I know it's moronic and pointless. Everything we've done with each other -- to each other -- and in such a short amount of time ... I want to wipe it all away. All of it.

What hurts the most is knowing I can't.

The bed shifts, waking me from the sleep I didn't realize I was having. Dev crawls under the covers and lays his head on the pillow with me. I look over at him and he gasps. "I'm sorry, did I wake you?" he asks, and then giggles.

"It's okay. How was your date?"

He sighs and then exclaims, "It sucked!" The word sounds so cute in his accent. "He looked disgusted when he saw me. He barely talked and then left early. There were two lesbians at the bar that saw and felt bad for me, so they bought me drinks and kept me company the rest of the night."

"Is that why you're drunk?"

"I'm not drunk! I only had, like ... two or three beers."

I laugh. "You're such a dork."

"I didn't receive sex," he whines. "I was supposed to receive sex before going home and pretending I am a straight virgin."

"Aw ..." I coo. "I'm so sorry."

He nuzzles his head next to me on the pillow. He lifts my hand in his, watching as he traces his fingertips over my fingers and palm. "How are you? Are you still sad?" he asks.

"... Yeah."

"Tell me why."

I shake my head. "It's just my life. The only thing I can trust is for things to get fucked up. So much so, the minute something is actually good, I find a way to fuck it up myself." Dev brushes his free hand over my hair, letting me continue. "All I have wanted to do is escape my past -- to start a new life where I don't have to be that jaded, helpless, little girl I used to be. But every step I take seems to pull me back to the same, painful place."

He frowns and pulls my hand towards him, placing a kiss atop my fingers. He keeps his fingers laced through mine as he stares into my eyes. "It almost sounds as if you are heartbroken."

My breathing stops for a moment. "Maybe I am."

He hums a tone of disappointment and leans his head onto a fist. "May I tell you something you might find both upsetting and comforting?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Biologically speaking, humans are animals with god complexes." He leans up slightly. "It is instinct to dislike and distrust in order to keep us alive -- just as we blind ourselves with what gives us the most pleasure in a moment, forgetting what it may cost us later. Pain reminds us of what we truly need. Only when we distract ourselves with foolish ideas of what we want, do we forget that pain cannot and should not be avoided."

I feel that a little too hard. I look over at him and fight the tears that cloud my eyes.

"We all have parts of us we wish were different," he says. My heart breaks wondering what he would change. "That is the nature of society. But, at the end of the day, we all have to do what we need to survive, even while knowing it may hurt to do so."

I take a deep breath, not wanting to completely hear his words just yet. "It hurts that you can be so handsome and so smart at the same time," I joke through my tears.

He chuckles, hugging me closer against him. "I want you to be happy again," he whispers. "Can I make you happy with my penis?"

I burst out into laughter. Looking over at him, I catch his cute smirk. "You're the best. But no, that's not necessary."

"Are you sure?" He wraps his arms around me, tangling his long legs with mine. He tickles my sides, making me giggle uncontrollably as I try to fight him off. He stops and smiles down at me. "I want to give you a reason to smile. Let us have fun once more before I go."

"You've already made me smile." I brush his hair out of his face. "You just want to get your dick wet."

He tilts his head back and laughs. When he looks down at me again, his smile is carefree and youthful. He is somehow the cutest and most drop-dead gorgeous man I have ever laid eyes on. He is the only person in my life that doesn't know my darkness, and yet he brings me more sunshine than anyone. 

I pull his face down to mine and kiss him.

His kiss is soft, sweet, submissive. He only takes what I give him, never asking for more. He grinds himself against my leg and I feel him already hard, pleading in a steady rhythm for more attention.

I roll him to his back, stripping the blankets out from between us. Taking my shirt off over my head, I revel in the smirk that graces his face when he runs his hands over my skin.

He sits up, wrapping an arm around my waist and pulling me close to him with a smile. He reaches down and starts to slide my panties off. I sit back and use my flexibility, raising my legs to help him remove them without kicking him in the face. We both giggle as we fumble around until finally I get into position and lower myself onto him.

I sigh when I feel him inside me. The comfort of not feeling empty. He kisses me, pulling at my hips while I start moving against his lap. He pulls away and moves one of my legs forward to wrap around him, and then does the same with the other. Pulling me closer, I wrap myself around him as he does the same to me.

Sitting face-to-face, so close and intimate, I side myself over his length, smiling as he laughs against my lips. I love how cute he makes everything seem, how genuinely content he makes me.

Our smiles fade only when our panting starts to intensify. I focus on his body as much as my own. Him coaxing my hips the way he needs it, me taking my pleasure with my fingers and the thought of him reaching it too.

His fingers tighten against my hips and waist and I know he's there. I pull his face to mine and kiss him as he finds his release. Drinking up his moans of pleasure, nibbling them as he groans, I lose myself as well.

I whimper, my body shivering as the pleasure floods over me in a warm, yet painful rush. He moves my hips up and down his length as I clench and release him, the sounds of my wetness mingling with our tapering breaths.

We start to come down, calming ourselves. I kiss him again, feeling his smile against my lips. "Do you feel better now?" he asks with a lazy smile.

"Yes," I laugh, brushing his long hair out of his face. "Do you?"

His smile widens. "Yes."

I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer. Resting my head on his shoulder, I say, "I'll miss you when you're gone."

"I will miss you too." He kisses my shoulder.

I know I love him in my own way. It just isn't the love I need.

_____

A/N: Thank you for reading! Don't forget to vote, comment, and add to your library if you want more!