The following chapter contains explicit material intended for an 18+ audience ONLY.

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I've been staring at the door for minutes now. The key is in my hand, I know it still works, but I can't seem to use it. It shouldn't be this hard. I put the key into the lock, turn it, and then open the door. All of that makes sense. The problem I really have is what to do after I go in.

I've been going through this conversation in my head for weeks. All the things I need to say but don't want to. My heart pounds nervously and my skin aches. I put the key in the door anyway.

The door swings open and I look up to see Mickey standing in the kitchen. He looks unreal, so handsome in a half-unbuttoned shirt and unbelted slacks. He looks down at me, his face tense with an expression somewhere between sadness and apprehension. "Hi," he says.

I take in a shaky breath. "Hi."

We stand there for a moment, hesitating. Then at the same time, I reach up to him and he takes me into his embrace. I drape my arms around his neck as he lifts me off my feet and coaxes my legs to wrap around his middle. He carries me over, sets me on the kitchen counter and hugs me tighter against him.

My breathing quivers as I bury my head against his neck. His familiar scent fills my nose, and his strong, desperate grip lessens my fear.

"I'm sorry," he says finally.

My fingers grip his neck and shoulder tighter. "I'm sorry too."

"Everything I do is for you. I should never have let the stress and anger cloud my mind of that," he explains. "What I did and said wasn't okay, and I am so, so sorry, baby."

"You don't have to apologize for speaking the truth," I reassure him. "You were right about something ..." He turns his head and I lean away to look at him. "I was bundling shit up and I let it break us."

His brow furrows. "It didn't break us."

"Almost break us," I correct myself. I run my hands over his hair as I feel my tears building. "I overcompensate with sex because it feels good, and it makes life stop hurting for a moment, and you're really, really good at it," I say as I start to cry. "And I will always think you deserve better than me, because you do. You're an amazing person, and you're perfect at everything and I'm so fucking proud of you all the time," my rambling ends with a sob. "But at the same time ... I can't let you go because I've never been in love with someone as much as I am with you, and I know I never will be again."

"Baby," he sighs. "You know I feel the exact same way." His hand grips my leg tighter as I'm still wrapped around him.

I run my hands to his cheeks, staring into his eyes, and watching the tears beginning to build. My heart breaks at the sight. "I never want to push you away, Mickey. But when everyone that I've ever loved has either left me or died ..." My body trembles as I try to breathe. "I think always looking for an out was ... my fucked up way of wanting to keep you with me." His face tenses with emotion as he gives me a pained smile. I watch the single tear escape down his cheek.

His eyes drop to my lips. He presses me closer and kisses me, and I return it passionately. My hands hold his face as I realize just how much I had wanted him, needed him, the past few days.

His lips leave mine slowly, but he doesn't lean away. "I love you," he says quietly against my lips.

I run my hand over his silky hair and say, "I love you too."

"There's no more walking out anymore, not from either of us." He nips my lips again. "We fight, we fuck, then we figure it out. Okay?"

I nod and wrap my arms tighter around his neck. "Okay." I lean into him and our lips meet.

I say nothing as he picks me up from the counter and walks me towards the bedroom. He leans onto the bed, laying me on my back beneath him. His kisses are luscious and fervent as his hand slides under my shirt.

I pull away from his kiss. "Wait," I say breathlessly. He looks at me with a hesitant expression. I try to shake the distracting feeling of my body longing to feel his. "We should wait, shouldn't we? It's ... It's too soon, right?"

He looks at me and then nods. "You're right."

We stare at each other, our breathing a little too hastened for doing nothing. I know we shouldn't do it, but it's been so long. I want to erase the last time we were together and to be reminded of how it should feel to be with him. The small distance between us makes me ache painfully.

Fuck it.

I pull him to me and kiss him again. Mickey pulls my shirt up and over my head then hurridly unbuttons and removes his. My hands run over his smooth skin. "We still need to talk," I remind him as he leans up and pulls my pants off my legs.

"We will," he says as he does the same with my panties. "Right after this."

"I'm serious," I nearly moan with my excitement.

He crawls back atop me and kisses my neck while saying, "We're gonna talk so much, baby. We'll say all of the words." I can't help the chuckle that escapes me.

The laughter stops as his hands caress my skin, his fingers digging into me, coaxing my body to come alive for him. His hand slips between my legs and I sigh when his fingers slide into me easily. His erection is hard against my leg, but I reach down and grab him anyway. Mickey moves his tongue and lips against mine as he does something similar with his fingers at my g-spot and his thumb against my clit. We tease each other until our breathing has turned to excited sighing.

Mickey reaches for a condom and I say nothing about it. He kisses me as he rolls it on and then presses into me gently, slowly.

He stretches me deliciously. I widen my legs to take him even deeper, whimpering as he comes to a rest against me. My pussy starts quivering around him the instant he starts to move.

Every one of Mickey's thrusts feels like an apology. His hips move deliberately, desperately, his hands sliding over my body as if he doesn't just want to be making love to me, but that he wants to become a part of me. "Baby," I say to him, and he looks into my eyes. "I'm right here," I tell him gently. "I'm not going anywhere."

He wraps his arm around my waist, combs his fingers into the hair at the back of my head, and kisses me. After a moment, he continues. I moan loudly as I feel him churning deep inside me, giving my body everything it wants, everything it needs. My nails drag down his back as I become nothing but sensation and pleasure beneath him. My hands grip his ass, feeling it flex as he pushes himself rhythmically in just the ... right ... fuck.

I clench around him and he moans, his hand gripping the nape of my neck tighter. I stare into his eyes, watching his expression tense gorgeously as we both lose ourselves to the feeling.

My eyes roll back as my body begins a slow, clenching orgasm. He hardens with his own climax, pushing deep inside me. We both call out loudly as my body squeezes and releases him in a pleasurable, calming wave. "Ah, Mickey! I love you, I love you," I moan.

"I love ... Fuck! I love you ... more," he moans his response as he comes.

♡♡♡

We lie in comfortable silence for a while afterward, just enjoying being next to one another again. Mickey stokes his fingertips over my skin, making it prickle under his delicate touch.

I feel calmer, contented, ready. Now that I was here with him, everything seemed clearer. But it didn't mean I wasn't afraid to tell him.

"I was thinking about making chicken picata tonight, since that's your favorite," Mickey says. "If you wanted more carbs, I could make it into a pasta or --"

"I talked to Emilio's parents," I say suddenly.

Mickey's hand stills for a moment, but then it continues. "And how did that go?"

"It went really well. It was ..." I search for the correct word. "Cathartic."

He runs his hand over my hair. I watch the smile grace his beautiful mouth. "That makes me so happy."

"It made me happy too," I tell him, but feel the tears building again. "Did you ever meet your birth mother?"

"No," he says gently.

"Did you want to?"

He hesitates at first, his hand continuing to stroke my hair. Then he says, "No. I didn't."

"Why?"

He shrugs as he ponders it. "My family was big, and it was all I knew. I never felt like I was missing something, whether it was closed or not."

I nod in understanding. "Emilio doesn't want to meet me right now either."

"Baby," he sighs ruefully.

"It's okay. Really." I wipe my eyes. "I think it's for the best, especially now."

He presses his lips to mine. When he pulls away, my eyes scan his face. It will be okay. Just tell him, I convince myself.

"I have to tell you something, Mickey. Something really important." He looks at me worriedly. I sit up, wrapping the blanket around me as he sits up too. I stare at him, his brown eyes fixed on me beneath his tensed brows. "The day we left for Boston, I took a pregnancy test," I say bluntly.

Mickey stills. He leans back from me slightly, trying to hide the fear from his expression. That seems like a reasonable response. "Wh-what? Why? I thought --"

"It was negative," I interrupt him to release him from his misery.

He stares at me unblinking, his mouth hanging open. "It was?"

"Yes," I say honestly. "It was."

He stares at me in confusion still looking scared shitless. Poor baby. I should probably explain.

"It all happened at once -- my mom, Santorini, Emilio, the pilot ... Then I couldn't find my strings after we were a little ... vigorous. So, when I started feeling sick and then I was late ... I got really scared and took a test just in case."

His eyes are still wide as saucers. "And it was negative?"

I smile. "Yes. And so was the one I took three days ago when I had my new IUD put in. I know I should have talked to you about it before having it placed, but I can take it out whenever."

He stares at me for a moment before releasing a sigh of relief and collapsing to his back. "Jesus, fuck." He scrubs his hands over his face. "Why didn't you tell me this happened?"

"I didn't want to stress you out more than you already were. Look at you."

He looks at me from beneath his hand. "I guess you have a point."

"It was scary, but I was fine. Well ... I was until I realized something," I say, my voice trembling.

Mickey moves closer. "Tell me."

I pull the covers tighter around myself, resisting the nervous shiver creeping up my spine. "I never wanted Emilio," I admit. "I found out too late and my dad didn't want me to give him up. He said he would help me raise him. But that isn't what I wanted. I didn't want him to have to grow up like that. Like me," I cry. "I found Vick and Jerry on a website and left home to meet them. I ended up staying with them for months. When they finally got dad to agree to the adoption, he drove up to see us and ... he never made it." I break into tears again. "That is the regret I feel. Not giving Emilio to his parents."

Mickey sits up and wraps me in his arms. He runs his hand soothingly up and down my back as he leans his head onto mine. It comforts me, but my admission is still painful.

I sniffle. "I was so afraid that I was pregnant again, and when I found out I wasn't ... a part of me was disappointed." I lean away to look at him and search for the right words. "My life is so much better now, I have you, and I should've felt happy to have your baby, but I wasn't ... and I don't think I ever will be." My skin crawls as I wait for his reaction.

His brow creases. "What do you mean?" he asks quietly.

"That's not what I want." I take in a breath. "Our relationship isn't typical, and neither is your job. We've done questionable things in the past, we're considered sexual deviants and shitty people by a lot of standards," I list. "But I love you and trust you more than anything because of all that," I tell him emphatically. "We shouldn't have to explain ourselves or apologize to anyone else, but ... I also don't want there to be anyone else." My heart pounds nervously in my chest. I stare into his eyes desperately, hoping he'll understand. "Just you and me. Forever," I tell him. "That's all I want."

He stares at me, his smile returning slowly. "That's all I ever wanted."

My heart flutters in my chest. "What? Really?"

His smile widens. "Really. I was just waiting for you to want it too." He leans forward and kisses me. My anxiety fades away as I feel his smile against my lips, his hands pulling my face to him as if he can't have me close enough.

I break the kiss slowly, knowing I have one last thing to tell him. "It's always been about you, Mickey. Nothing but you," I say through my tears. His brow creases. "I'm sorry it took me so fucking long to figure that out."

A happy grin spreads across his face. He runs his fingers through my hair, his eyes staring into mine dreamily. "If I know anything about you, Penny," he says as his smile widens, "it's that sometimes ... you need a few minutes to change your mind."

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