I pop the cap off another beer as I sit on the balcony railing looking out over the gloomy city. I picture it as you would see in Sin City, only the most corrupt and vile things standing out in color while the rest is in different shades of dull greys. My block was in full color, vibrant with men making their relay races up and down the street, covertly exchanging their batons filled with dope and rolled up bills.

There was a symphony of sirens that constantly tormented the area echoing through the crumbling buildings. Sometimes I sit and listen to them mixing up beats in my mind as I think about how shitty my life is. Pathetic I know.

I dream of something more, something better for me. Why couldn't I have been born into a rich family? Or a family that lived on the outskirts of town, or a family that actually gave a shit about me. Instead I was born here with the rest of these lost souls, dragging through life day by day trying to keep the reaper from knocking on our door. The more I think about it the more excited I am to start this job. Seven more days until I get the call, then I get half the pay and the rest when I'm finished. Then I'm out of here! My thoughts are interrupted.

"Excuse me!" A female voice says. It is coming from the balcony to my right and sounds familiar. My eyes flick over to the sound and my breath catches in my throat.
"What the fuck?" I reply, as my now empty beer slips out of my hand and crashes to the sidewalk below, barely missing the head of some loser walking by.

"What the fuck! Watch it man!" He yells at me. But I ignore him as my eyes have been captured by this girl staring at me smiling with seductive lush lips. I swallow nervously.

"Ethan is it?" She asks leaning over the side of the railing in just a sports bra and panties. Her hair is down blowing in all directions, licking her shoulders and gliding along the skin of her chest, she bites her lower lip again causing me to brace myself on the railing. I clear the lump in my throat and climb down before I end up like that beer bottle smashed against the sidewalk.

"Yeah that's right." I reply in a raspy voice. I clear my throat again so I am able to speak properly as I walk over to meet her leaning over the side of my balcony railing. We are within four feet of each other, too close for my comfort and I find myself tapping the metal nervously as I wait for her reply, unsure why I've put myself in this position in the first place.

"I thought so." She says smiling that innocent smile. Fuck my life.

"What are you doing here?, You visiting your boyfriend or something?" I ask. Considering how scantily clad she is right now I assume she has probably just slept with someone and is out here having a smoke or...something.

"Boyfriend?." She laughs. "No I live here!" She leans further over the railing pushing her arms into her breasts and they mash against the metal. This causes me to stare at their size wishing it were me she was pushing them against.

"Oh." I respond as coldly as possible. I take my eyes from her and look at my hands as I curse her for being so close to me now. Now I have to live beside this girl at least until my job is finished. I guess I could manage this for another week. How have I not noticed her before? I ask myself. How long has she been living beside me without me knowing? Fuck.

"You don't talk much do you?" She asks as she tilts her head to the side and sweeps her hair back.

"I don't have much to say to girls like you." I reply looking directly into her eyes. Of all the things I find "colorful" on my block, her eyes were the deepest shade of green I have ever seen with highlights of yellow similar to a cat's eye. They curved upwards with long sweeping lashes that flutter as she speaks to me. But they seem sad right now and hurt as she looks away again. I find pleasure in her sadness, making her feel worthless makes me feel better about myself, it's like lowering herself to my level. I'm such a shitty person.

"What do you mean girls like me?" She asks, as anger rises in her tone and I lash out at her as if she had insulted me by just being in my presence.

"Well I mean look at you! You've got all the attributes of a stuck up rich girl, naive enough to put herself in the lowest place on earth and not even give it a thought, like maybe you don't belong here. It's obvious you live your life unaware of the hardships of others, and you look down on people who aren't as "pretty" as you!" I say, and immediately feel the heart ache from my words as water forms in her eyelids. It seems to make her eyes sparkle even more in the city lights intensifying my attraction to her. It pleases me, yet hurts me inside, all the emotions I'm not used to feeling. I'm starting to get angry but I'm not sure why.

"Wow, aren't you a prize! Sounds to me like you've made too many assumptions. I doubt a stuck up rich girl could land you on your ass the way I did earlier. I would love to do it again! Next time I'll make sure you don't get up!" She yells as tears pour down her face.

She wipes the drops of hurt off her cheeks and storms back inside, leaving me there feeling ashamed and stupid for the things I said to her. "What's wrong with me?".

I have always been in this constant battle with my emotions, it's like having two personalities. One side wants to be the big bad wolf where I sink into the darker side of things and start tearing apart everything I see, and the other side? I rarely see anymore, it comes out in situations like these where my mind I wants to put everything back together and take hold of it gently, keeping it safe and warm. Then confusion sets in as my mix of emotions frustrates me enough to let my angry wolf out again, this is why I am alone and will forever be alone. I have never loved anyone, not properly anyways. I have lusted and desired, but never actually had that feeling where I would die for someone, I would never let myself get that close. Being emotionless is better, not caring is better.

I hang on outside thinking of how much of an asshole I am, before heading to my couch to drink until I pass out.