Namjoon

All through our class, I noticed that Bella seemed uncomfortable. I wondered if she had heard anything else from Seokjin that had caused her to feel uneasy. I hated to see her so despondent, and even though Seokjin was my best friend, I cursed him under my breath for making her so sad.

As soon as the professor dismissed us, she sprinted out of the room. I hurried after her.

"Hey! Bella, wait up!"

She stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and turned to look at me. Her expression was guarded, as if there was something she didn't want to say.

"Is something wrong?" I asked immediately. She looked down. "Let's go get a coffee," I continued. "If something's wrong, talk to me. I want to help."

She sighed. "I would love to, but-but I have something to do at the library."

"I'll go with--"

"I have to meet with a group," she interrupted me. "I have to do work on a group project. With a group."

She very obviously didn't want me to tag along. I shrugged. "Okay. I'll call you later. We can talk then."

She nodded. "Sure," she said before she turned and hurried away.

I stood and watched her for a minute then I walked in the opposite direction.

That evening I went to Bella and Cindy's apartment. As I knocked on their door, I wondered if I should just turn around and walk away. It seemed that Bella didn't want to talk earlier, and I shouldn't be pushing her.

The door opened.

"Hi, Namjoon," Bella greeted me in a monotone, as if expecting me yet not happy about it.

"Uh, hi," I replied, a bit taken aback. "Um, I just wondered if you wanted to talk or anything. You seemed a bit out of sorts earlier, and I was concerned."

She nodded and opened the door wider so that I could walk in.

"Do you want to go to your room?" I asked, thinking she might want privacy.

"No," she answered immediately, refusing to meet my eyes. "We can just sit here."

"Okay," I said and sat on the couch. There was definitely something wrong.

She stayed on her feet for a moment, then sat down, keeping distance between us. She fidgeted with her hands for a while before she took a deep breath.

"Namjoon, I am very flattered," she said slowly, "but I don't want to give you a wrong impression about us. About me."

I looked at her, trying to figure out what she meant. I nodded, indicating for her to continue.

She fidgeted some more before she let out a sigh. "Joon, I want you to know that I value our friendship very much."

"As do I," I replied immediately.

"But you're Jin's best friend," she continued, "and it would be difficult to...you know."

I hoped that the expression on my face had not changed because I didn't want her to know what was going through my mind. Doubtless, she was talking about confiding in me and not feeling entirely sure she should be saying certain things to me because of my friendship with Seokjin.

Or had she caught on that I had feelings for her, feelings that I had been working so hard to suppress and keep secret? Oh, no.

"I think I understand," I said after a few silent moments. "There are certain things that you--that we might have some trouble talking about because of our individual relationships with Seokjin. I'd say you're right. But just know that I will always be here for you, Bella, for whatever you need. I won't turn my back on you." In my mind that was definitely a declaration on my part, but I hoped that she would not understand it that way.

She nodded once, but seemed preoccupied with other thoughts. Then she inhaled and looked me straight in the eye.

"Namjoon, if I ask you something, will you be honest with me?"

"Yeah, sure." I could feel my palms sweating. I was totally into her, and I hoped that she had not figured it out. If only it wasn't for my friendship with Seokjin, I think I would have told her how I feel. But for now, I had to play it cool and keep things platonic.

"Do you like me as more than a friend?" she whispered.

I thought I hadn't heard her correctly, but then she pressed her lips together nervously, and I realized that she had asked the question I dreaded to answer. I knew I had to lie, but it hurt me to do so only because I prided myself on my honesty. Yet, in this matter, my feelings for her had to be kept completely hidden. For everyone's sake.

"I like you very much," I said rapidly, "but as a friend. I love you..." I couldn't stop myself from saying, but just as quickly added, "as a friend. You and Seokjin are important in my life, and I don't want to lose either of you." I could feel my heart beating so fast that I thought it was moving my shirt. "But just friends."

She smiled her first genuine smile of the day. "Thank you. Thank you for your honesty." She covered her face with her hands. "I really am losing it. I thought Cindy had told me that--" she paused. "Well, that you... Oh, never mind. You've cleared things up. You're my friend, and that's all that matters. That's what I need right now."

I smiled at her. "I'll always be here for you." Those were the only words I could say that expressed how much I loved her, not as a friend but as a woman. But I could never actually tell her. I kept my smile in place knowing that my love for her was not just some stupid crush. I really wanted her to be happy, and if that meant her being with someone else, then that's what I wanted, too.

That's what I told myself every day.