Chapter twenty two - hallelujah, fuck me

lmao I cried at school again today and yesterday dad forgot to feed me lunch and mom forgot my dinner so I ate a yoghurt and cried some more lmao

also sidenote when i say lmao i do not mean i am actually laughing my ass off i mean i am being a sarcastic shit haha fuck me

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Gerard was watching me again.

Staring at me, convinced I couldn't see him, as I fumbled through the various maps scattered over the floor, with something like tiredness in the slump of his shoulders. We had been fighting more often lately, and I wasn't sure why. It didn't seem like much of a release for Gerard; he only ended up more tense and sharp after he had knocked me down, despite the control he had regained over our training sessions and the hostile stance he had taken on when concerning fighting– no matter who with. It made my stomach drop a little to think that I was no exception. I wondered absently if how viciously he was fighting was merely a cover-up for the fact that I was an exception, and I let myself briefly exploit the small rush I got from the delusion before shutting off the part of my mind that I had noticed was perpetually wandering back to Gerard.

It turned out that this portion of my mind was actually, essentially, my entire brain, which made it dreadfully difficult to stop thinking about Gerard, especially as we were talking privately more and more every day about Parade Island, and our planning had led to a lot of work in close proximity.

It shouldn't have been difficult to listen as he spoke about such simple topics, but the flutter of his eyelashes when he squinted down at the map was alarmingly pretty, and the soft drawl of his voice would rush all through me like the tide below us, forcing all my muscles and brain cells out of operation. I cracked my knuckles one by one, flinching at each snapping sound and hoping pitifully that it would ground me somehow. It was a rather pathetic distraction from the heat of Gerard's breath on my cheek as he scanned through the paper I was holding from over my shoulder.

"I can't focus with you breathing down my neck like that," I snapped, masking the way my voice shook slightly with hostility. Gerard backed away sharply, and when I turned to apologise there was a look of vulnerability about him, and instantly, I knew that I had been far too harsh. "I'm sorry–"

"No," Gerard blurted. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been so close." He turned his gaze downwards. "Forgive me."

"Gerard, no, I'm sorry."

"Forgive me," he insisted.

My voice came out softer than I had intended when I spoke. I realised, with a flicker of distress, that my emotions were showing through. "Always," I said, despite the faint promise the word seemed to hold.

Gerard too seemed to notice the unusual rawness of my voice, and a feeble streak of something I didn't recognise glassed over his eyes. Quietly, but frantically, I glossed over all the times I'd seen that emotion on his face before, but they all seemed to be unrelated instances. Nothing I could tie together.

The air between us was thick and clogged, and the both of us seemed to have got caught in a strain of confusion about the same thing. What was happening between us? I prayed that it was just something to do with Parade Island and that it would leave once the whole affair was over.

As soon as Gerard departed the room, I started to sift through the papers scattered over the desk, searching for another 'prophecy', as such. Something that could justify what I was feeling, and explain how Gerard was acting.

I found nothing that was any help to the predicament I was in, but I did come across something rather significant: according to the map, we were scheduled for yet another run in with the Aurora– and it was looming fast. I kept it from Gerard. There was just something that made me feel uneasy about Gerard preparing for the battle.

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I squeezed my sponge over my wet skin, watching the fresh water trickle down my calf in pale beads, slowing to circle my anklebone. The captain had gifted me with my first clean water ration in months, and I don't think I'd ever been gladder to bathe.

The soft slosh of bathwater in a basin had become an unfamiliar sound to me. The grating roar of the waves on the ship's bows, the steady breathing of the tide and the heaving of the waves– that was home. This was a holiday. I let myself get absorbed in the sound and the feeling of the water sliding over my body as I scrubbed off dirt and grime and splinters, and briefly, I wondered if Gerard's skin was as damaged as mine. I tried to recall all the fights where we'd touched, skin on skin, but Gerard frequently covered up, and rarely wore less than a coat. I faintly remembered the delicateness of his hands and wrists when I bandaged them up. I wondered if the rest of his body was that soft. I wondered if I would ever get to feel.

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The Aurora came swift and soon, stirring the ship awake in the dead of night and stabbing panic through my chest as I recalled all of the incriminating maps and scrolls scattered over my floor. I stumbled out of my bunk and shoved them under my blanket, tensing at the loud crackling of the paper and hoping that it wouldn't lead anyone down here. Dewees was already gone, presumably partaking in the fight up on deck– but to my confusion, I couldn't hear any yells or swords clashing, only heavy, measured footsteps.

I felt cold with anticipation, and everything I could sense seemed to matter so much more now. Every little sound, and every change of wind. Every wave beating the side of the ship. I made my way up the stairs carefully, dagger looped through my belt and fingers pricking at all the frightening possibilities of what had happened. I wasn't even entirely sure it was the Aurora anymore.

The black sky almost swallowed me whole with vertigo when I stepped out onto the rain-slicked planks of the deck. The stars were teeth, and the wooden floor was a great wet tongue, and I felt like I was going to vomit because everyone in the crew was tied up with knives held to their throats.

Gerard's eyes caught mine, pleading, and my throat burned with an acidic sting at the thought of him actually being frightened– although I didn't know whether it was for my sake or his own.

"Hello there," a cheery voice said. My eyes jolted around to find the source– and the smile on the culprit's face in light of the situation was gravely disturbing. His jaw was set and his eyes were glinting with something I should have found frightening, but for some peculiar reason, didn't. There was an odd draw to the man. His eyes were deep set and hollow, and a coarse trim of auburn facial hair covered his chin. "We know who you are, kid," he said, and I was taken aback by the kindness on his face. "You're the scorpion child, aren't you?"

I stood stark still, my mind too much of a hurricane to so much as think of a more intelligible response than a nod of the head.

"Allegedly," an unfamiliar curly haired man muttered to another Aurora member. "Hopefully, Way won't have fucked him yet."

"He wouldn't do that," I snapped. Then I stopped, surprised that I had managed to find my voice.

The man with curly hair turned to face me, standing in a naturally strong position with his feet shoulder's width apart and chest pushed out slightly. "What d'you think happened to the other kids that didn't work out for him? What d'you think he did with 'em then?"

I blanched, tensing and losing half my muscle tone simultaneously. "He wouldn't," I defended feebly.

Gerard's body twisted uncomfortably in his bounds like he was trying to reach me, but a knife was immediately pressed even more dangerously against the skin of his throat, and he reluctantly stilled. I knew he wanted to defend himself and insist otherwise of what the Aurora had implied.

I turned sharply back to the man who had confronted me. "What do you want?"

"It's simple, and safe," the bearded man replied. "We just want you to come with us."

I raised an eyebrow. "Why the fuck would I want to do that?"

"I already said." The man shrugged. "It's safe. And it's better than staying here with a manipulative cur who's trying to brainwash you so he can use you as equipment."

Gerard shook his head, and the knife caught on the skin of his neck, sending a small streak of blood down his throat to soak into his collar. That's when I saw: he was wearing his red tie. Michael's red tie.

A surge of feeling roared through my veins. "I'm not being used, fucker," I spat.

The bearded man's eyes narrowed. "He's manipulating you. Way is a liar, I swear to god. He does this with every kid he finds with any mark that looks remotely like a scorpion. Or even a fucking earwig."

At this point, the velvet drowning blackness of the sky was looking more and more appealing, and I decided that being eaten by the sky would most likely be a nice alternative to being a part of this conversation right now.

"You heard of Michael?" A gruff voice asked– another one of the Aurora's men. He must have seen the look of surprise on my face and taken it as a confirmation, because he continued almost immediately. "Way used to batter the poor kid. Sickening."

Sickening. That was the only word that could describe the thoughts in my head at that moment. I was furious at being lied to. Gerard couldn't have been deceiving me the entire time, could he? How on earth could I trust anyone on this ship at all? Every word that was spoken and every movement and every breath could have just been part of a plan.

"Come with us," the man with the beard said. "You'll be safe with us."

I didn't want to spend another second with someone despicable enough to do all the things Gerard had supposedly done, and in this deceiving and hateful world, I wasn't willing to take chances. That's what I had learned, living with pirates– you set your own morals, and you fucking stick with them. There's no such thing as forgiving, not really. There's only what you are owed, and what you are not. And I didn't deserve this, this whole fucking ordeal, whether the lies were lies or not.

It was probably the most impulsive and stupid decision I had ever made. But I left the Freighter, I left my friends, and I left Gerard.

Determined not to look back, I climbed up on the rigging and swung swiftly above and across the water to board the Aurora with the other men, blanking out the way Gerard shouted out for me as I left my second life behind to start my third.