What is addiction?

A few days later, I decided to go shopping in downtown Old Haven. I needed to buy a gift for Brendon's birthday, and although I had no idea what to get him, I knew that I could find something in one of those little shops downtown. Immediately after Public Policy finished, I ran out of the Beiju History Center and went straight into the city to search for a present.

I walked past the Aubergine on my way into town, and it seemed a little bit odd to see the familiar neon purple sign during the day. I thought about Brendon and wondered where he was. Could Brendon be inside the bar, or was he in his apartment? I briefly imagined Brendon in class at Yale before I remembered that he had dropped out. He definitely wasn't there.

I spent a few minutes considering where to go first. What should I get Brendon anyways? What would be a good present for a twenty one year old? I had no clue, so I thought of all of the things that Brendon might enjoy. However, I couldn't come up with any good ideas.

On the corner of 4th and Fremont Street, I found a tiny bagel shop, and upon smelling a whiff of asiago and cream cheese, I went inside. I then bought myself a bagel and took a seat next to the window. All sorts of people walked by as I ate my bagel, from large groups of Kale students laughing with their friends to two parents trying to keep their kids under control to old, bitter men and women waiting to cross the street. I watched each and every one of them, hoping that I could find some way to solve my predicament. Admittedly, stopping to eat and watch the residents of Old Haven wasn't exactly helping me find a gift for Brendon, but I needed a few moments to think.

The words that Brendon had said over the past few nights replayed in my head. I still had a hard time believing that Brendon was an alcoholic, but perhaps I was just in denial. Was this the life that I wanted? Did I want to spend the rest of my days pining for an addict? I wasn't sure, but as I thought about it, I realized that Brendon truly was my soulmate. I would be a fool to leave my other half.

Certainly, Brendon did have his flaws, but my life was still on the right path. I still had my soulmate, and I was on my way to becoming a philosopher. I had everything I wanted, so why did everything still feel so wrong?

In the end, love was a dangerous blues. It wasn't the perfect paradise that I had previously thought that it was, but that didn't mean that it wasn't worth experiencing. Even if Brendon was an alcoholic who had dropped out of Yale, I still needed him. It was like I was addicted to Brendon.

I was in no hurry to cure myself of my own addiction, but I did need to find a way to help Brendon. Although he denied it, Brendon desperately needed my help. However, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. I needed more time, and I definitely didn't want to ruin Brendon's birthday.

After some consideration, I decided to wait until after Brendon's birthday. Whatever I was planning to do could wait, and I didn't want to ruin my boyfriend's special day. I imagined all of the ways that we could spend his birthday together, and as I daydreamed, I remembered why I had come into Old Haven in the first place.

I finished my bagel and left the shop, and as I wandered around the town, I decided that all of us were addicted to something. I could hardly fault Brendon for his addiction when everyone had something that they just could never get enough of. I probably had even more addictions than Brendon did. Waiting until after Brendon's birthday was the best option in this situation. His drinking was definitely an issue, but it wasn't an urgent one, or at least that was what I told myself. Besides, as an addict with a pen, I probably wouldn't be able to help him very much.

Eventually, I stumbled across the music shop that Brendon had spent so much time in during our first date. I entered the shop and looked around, wondering if there might be something inside that could make a good gift. I walked around the store, looking through rows of records and musical memorabilia. At first, I couldn't find anything, but I then remembered all of Brendon's records that sat in his apartment without a record player for him to listen to them on.

I found a record player for sale, and I instantly knew what I was going to get Brendon. I picked up the record player and brought it to the counter, but on my way there, I checked the price tag. The turntable was nearly one hundred dollars, and I didn't have that much money with me. I wasn't certain that I could buy it at all without jeopardizing my ability to pay for my room and board.

I reluctantly put the record player back and headed back to Flack Hall to check if I had some more money lying around somewhere. Why did I always have so many problems with money? I suspected that it was just another piece of my bad luck. When I entered Room 27, Patrick was already there, studying for an upcoming statistics quiz. I looked around the dorm room and checked how much money was in my bank account, but I barely had enough to pay for my next room and board payment in my bank account, and the only cash that I had was the forty five dollars and eighty two cents in my wallet. I considered waiting until after I got my next payment to buy Brendon's gift, but I wouldn't get paid again until after his birthday. There was only one option left.

"Patrick, can I borrow some money?" I asked.

Patrick looked up from his textbook. "What do you need it for?" he asked.

"I'm buying a gift for Brendon's birthday," I explained.

"I didn't know that his birthday was coming up," Patrick said as he adjusted his glasses.

"He's turning twenty one on the twelfth," I said.

"I suppose I can contribute a few dollars," Patrick said. He handed me a twenty dollar bill and said, "Here you go, Ryan."

"Thanks," I said. "I'll pay you back as soon as I can." It wouldn't completely cover the cost of the record player, but it was a start.

"That's not necessary," Patrick said.

"Are you sure?" I said.

"I'm sure," Patrick said. "It's a gift for Brendon, and I'm only doing this because I care about both of you."

"Thanks Patrick," I said, smiling.

"No problem," Patrick said. He turned on an Elvis Costello song, and said, "Now, if you don't mind, I'm studying for a stats quiz. Pete said that he wanted us to study together later, but I somehow doubt that we're going to get much studying done, so I need to make sure that I'm ready for the quiz before I leave."

Patrick had certainly been quite generous, but it just wasn't enough. I needed a little bit more money if I wanted to buy the record player. I considered buying Brendon a cheaper gift, but it didn't seem like enough. I needed something grand like the record player to show my soulmate just how much I loved him. I was a poor college student, but I had to find a way to make it work.

All of a sudden, I came up with an idea. I hated asking for money, since I didn't want to be so dependent on my wealthier friends, but this was the only way out of the predicament that I had created for myself. I sprinted over to the Greek Friendship Society house and knocked on the door of that little brick building. As expected, Gerard answered the door.

"Did you change your mind about joining the Greek Friendship Society?" he asked me.

I didn't answer right away, since I couldn't help but notice that he had dyed his hair a new color. "I like the new red hair," I said.

"Thanks, but you didn't answer my question," Gerard said as he brushed his hair away from his face.

"I'm not joining the Greek Friendship Society," I said.

"Then why are you here?" Gerard asked.

I paused for a moment, and then said, "I'm trying to buy a gift for Brendon. His birthday is coming up."

"Why do you need me for that?" Gerard asked.

"I want to buy him a record player, but I don't have enough money to get it," I explained. "What is the purpose of money anyways? Does it do the world any good? John Lennon once told us to imagine no possessions, and I'm starting to wonder if that might be the best solution, but then how would I show Brendon how much I care about him? I'm just not sure..."

"How much money do you need?" Gerard interrupted.

"Thirty five dollars," I said.

Gerard dug through his wallet and handed me a wad of money. "That should be enough for you to buy the record player," he said.

"Thanks Gerard," I said. How could he just give away money like that? It amazed me that Gerard had so much money at his disposal, yet he never acted like he was spoiled. Instead, he was one of the nicest men that I knew.

"No problem," Gerard said. "If I don't see Brendon on his birthday, make sure to wish him a happy birthday for me."

"I certainly will," I said.

"I should probably buy him a gift myself," Gerard said. "Maybe after I put the finishing touches on my graphic novel, I'll head into downtown Old Haven and see what I can find."

"Sounds good, Gerard," I said. "Are you coming to the Aubergine tonight?"

"I think so," Gerard said. "I'll see you tonight if I don't get too much homework."

"See you soon," I said. I stuffed the money that Gerard had given me into my wallet and headed back into town. This time, I couldn't help but appreciate the warm air and gorgeous foliage that lined the streets of Old Haven. It was a beautiful day in the city, and even though there were certainly problems in my relationship with Brendon, all of the beautiful things around me reminded me that everything would work itself out in the end. There wasn't any doubt in my mind that Brendon would battle his addiction and emerge victorious.

I walked into the music shop and ran right back over to the record player. I took it to the counter and purchased it, thrilled that I had finally found the perfect birthday present for Brendon. I was already certain that Brendon would love his gift, and I couldn't wait to see the smile on his face when he opened it.

I carried Brendon's present back to Flack Hall, and when I returned to my dorm room, I lay on my bed and thought about our relationship. It wasn't a perfect love story, even if I liked to pretend otherwise. We both had our addictions, but that didn't mean that the two of us weren't meant to be together. We had a connection that just couldn't be broken. I could feel in my heart that Brendon was my soulmate, and although I worried about him sometimes, he was still everything to me.

Maybe one day, I would muster up the nerve to tell Brendon that I loved him. I was always a little bit scared to say those particular words, but I was becoming more certain that he loved me too. Until then, Brendon and I would just have to try to overcome our addictions together.