Am I too small to talk to God?

I collapsed back into my chair in the hospital waiting room, unable to control my sobs. My world was crumbling around me, and I didn't know what to do. What was I supposed to do with my life without Brendon in it? Did my life have any meaning at all? Spencer urged me to leave, but I refused to get up. How could I move on so quickly? I had to stay in the hospital for a few more minutes, if only because some stubborn superstition compelled me to. It was the least that I could do for Brendon.

As I sat in that chair, still crying over the news, I mentally composed a letter. It went something like this.

Dear God/Gods/Whoever This May Concern,

Yes, it's me, Ryan Ross. I know we haven't talked in quite some time, but if you're (You're?) ever going to listen to me, now would be a great time to do so. I'm in a little bit of a predicament, and I think that you might be able to help me out. It's only a small request, so I'm sure that you can do it.

I am in love with this beautiful, magnificent man by the name of Brendon Urie. I refuse to say that in the past tense - he may be gone, but that doesn't mean that I don't love him anymore. I'm at the Old Haven Hospital right now, and according to the workers there, he's dead. Could you please bring him back? You're the only one who can help him now, and I'm surely not the only one who wants him alive and well.

Is this because I've doubted you? I know that I've stopped going to church, and I've often questioned your very existence, but that doesn't seem like a very good reason to take the love of my life away from me. You've never showed up when I needed you before, so why should I blindly believe that you exist? Where were you when the other kids would pick on me in elementary school, or when my dad died, or when Brendon picked up his first drink? Nevertheless, I'm choosing to believe in you now. Love can make people do crazy things, and this is one of them.

Is this because I'm gay? Are you as homophobic as everyone says that you are? As a child, I always learned that God loves everyone, but maybe that's not true. Maybe this is your way of telling me that you disapprove of my relationship with Brendon, but if that's the case, then why did you make me fall in love with him in the first place? I don't think I'll ever understand the homophobes' logic, but to me, it's not logic at all. It's pure bigotry. If you consider me a sinner, then you're probably right, but I'm in love with my own sins, and it's no reason to kill Brendon. He was only expressing his love, and love is the purest virtue of them all.

Speaking of that, why did you kill Brendon in the first place? What kind of sick bastard would do such a thing? He was only twenty one - he hardly had a chance to experience everything that life had to offer. Brendon was far too young to die, but I'm sure that you could still reverse it if you wanted to. Prove it to me, God/Gods/Whoever The Hell Is Up There. Prove that you're up there and that you love everyone and that you don't just exist to make my life miserable.

Clearly, you're either not listening to me or you're not there at all. Nothing's happened since I started writing this, and Spencer's still urging me to leave. He says that he understands that I'm grieving, but waiting here will only make it worse. I don't believe him. You can still perform this one little miracle for me, right? I still believe that finding love is the only way to be happy, and if you bring Brendon back, that will prove it.

Listen, if you do this for me, I'll be your most devoted follower. I'll do whatever you tell me to do, as long as I can do it with Brendon by my side. I can't do much of anything without him, so I desperately need you to bring him back. Besides, it will solve the whole debate about whether God exists or not that we had in my Introduction to Philosophy class. What better proof of God's existence is there than knowing that He/She/They/It performed a miracle just for me? I could get the whole Kale University Philosophy Department to believe in you.

I'm not kidding about this. Where are you?

Spencer's getting a little bit impatient now, but I can tell that he's hurting too. He's fighting away tears, and I don't even want to think about what will happen when everyone at the Aubergine Dream finds out that Brendon is dead. I can't imagine the sort of pain and suffering that will cause. Is that what you want? Do you want me and all of my friends to suffer? Does that amuse you in some way? Are our lives some sort of cruel joke to you? Are you up there in Heaven (or wherever you are) laughing because I have the nerve to talk to God?

I should be too smart for this. I should have known that you wouldn't listen to me. I should have known that you have too much to do to listen to a random philosophy student at Kale University, even if his boyfriend just died. I should have known that maybe I'm just talking to myself, because you might not exist. Does that make me crazy? Am I driving myself insane, or is this just a side effect of heartbreak? Maybe Spencer's right. Maybe I should just go home and stop begging a being that probably doesn't exist for a miracle.

Have you ever been in love? I don't know if higher powers have that sort of capacity, which would certainly explain a lot. If you don't know what it's like to fall in love, then you can't possibly understand the pain that I'm feeling. You don't understand loss if you don't understand love, and that's why you think that it's okay to take Brendon away from me. I'll ask you one more time. Can you please bring him back?

I'm done with this. I'm done waiting. Even if you're up there and you are listening to me, you're taking too long. As far as I know, Brendon's still dead, and I'm starting to wish that I was in his place. Why didn't you take me instead? You must have known that this would hurt me more. I'd rather die a million times over than have to watch Brendon die. Living without my soulmate is a fate worse than death for me, and you have to understand that.

Are you there? Are you listening to me? Do you even care?

I'm still not getting anything down here on Earth. Give me a sign. I want to believe.

I'm looking at the clock now. It's been seven minutes since that woman told me that Brendon was dead. Please don't give him any more time in Heaven than that. Can't you let him live out the rest of his life? He's only twenty one. Who would want to kill someone that young?

Clearly, you're even worse than everyone thinks you are. Even the meanest god(s) wouldn't kill a man who was barely out of his teens just for the fun of it. Brendon could have lived a long, healthy life, and you cut it short for no reason at all. He could have gone back to school, or become a Broadway star, or gotten married, and you stole all of that from him. How do you feel now? I hope that you regret it, because if I had done something like that, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I'd be crying myself to sleep every night, and I hope that's what you're doing right now.

You know what? I give up. I don't care whether you're real or not, or if you care about people, because none of that matters if Brendon's dead. If you're real, then I'm too small to talk to you, and if you're not, then a whole lot of people on Earth are driving themselves insane because they think that you're out there somewhere. Whatever. It doesn't matter. I'm too smart for that. I'm not working myself up over this any more.

You're dead to me.

Love,

Ryan Ross

"I think he might be in shock," Spencer said as I finally managed to rescue myself from the depths of my own mind.

I turned to look at him and said, "I'm okay." I tried to wipe away my tears, but they just kept flowing. The reality of all of this had finally hit me, and I had no idea what to do anymore. My world had collapsed beneath my feet.

"Are you ready to head back to Kale now?" Spencer asked. I nodded, and Spencer walked out to his car. I reluctantly followed him, and as Spencer drove through the town, every single building managed to remind me of Brendon. We drove past the street where Brendon had mispronounced "caricature" for the first time, the record store where I bought Brendon's birthday present, and the movie theater where we had gone on a double date with Pete and Patrick. The Aubergine, of course, produced the largest flood of memories. Now that Brendon was gone, every memory of him was drenched in pain. After a while, I closed my eyes so that I wouldn't have to endure any more.

Even that didn't help. "Bohemian Rhapsody" just had to come on the car radio, and although I loved the song, I had to ask Spencer to change the station. If Brendon was in the car, he would have been belting out the words with his beautiful voice, a voice that I would never hear again. Of course, Spencer understood, and he simply turned the radio off. Sitting in silence was better than having to think about Brendon.

The Kale University parking lot was right next to Shadow Hall, where Spencer lived, but it was nowhere near Flack Hall. "I guess I'll see you at the Aubergine tonight, Ryan," Spencer said as he gave me one last hug. "I'll understand if you don't come though, and I'm sure everyone else will too."

"No, I'll be there," I said.

"I'll see you there then," Spencer said. He gave me a wave and tried to force a smile, but his mournful eyes told me just how much pain he was in. After Spencer entered Shadow Hall, I began to walk back to Flack Hall. The Kale campus didn't bombard me with as many memories as the rest of Old Haven, but I made the mistake of taking the route that took me right past the aquatic center. When I walked past the pool, I nearly broke down completely. Knowing that I would never have any more memories like that one broke my heart.

I looked up at the sky, but even the clouds seemed to mock me. There was one particular cloud that looked exactly like Brendon's face. Perhaps we were all too small to talk to God, but clearly God didn't mind playing cruel jokes on me. It didn't matter anymore, as I told myself so many times. This was a godless world that I lived in.

I stared at the sidewalk instead, still trying my best not to cry or crumple to the ground. Time ticked by slowly, as if to extend my suffering. Eventually, I made it to Flack Hall, and as I looked up at the residence hall, even that brought back memories of vegan Rocky Road ice cream and Brendon in his beautiful suits.

This is the life that I live in now, I thought as I finally got the nerve to open the door to Flack Hall.