**Quote: "Never apologize for being sensitive or emotional. It's a sign that you have a big heart and that you aren't afraid to let people see it. Showing your emotions is a sign of strength." ~~Brigitte Nicole **

Chapter 17

Looking from the bloodied teenage boy, wrapped in chains that bolt into the stone floor, to the two women standing with rags held in their hands I rush from the open tunnel to the cavernous room

The teen in chains has long, deep gashes running the length of his arms, causing little pools of blood to puddle around his feet in gruesome depths. His left eye is starting to bruise and a cut on his forehead seeps more crimson liquid down his face to soak his shirt.

But what I find odd is how he is soaking wet. I can tell by his injuries that he can't have lost that much blood to be as soaked as he is. Swallowing the bile I feel rising in my throat I force my Healer's soul into submission.

Turning to Nate I point a shaky finger at the bloodied teen. "I...I know him. His name is Cass and I met him only a few times at-"

"Your father's cafe. Yes, we know. He's been watching you. To do so, he acquired the job to get closer to you. He works for Richard." Jazmine informs me as she steps closer to him. "That's what we've got out of him so far. He seems to have a high tolerance for pain." The smile that curls her ruby red lips chills my skin and I work to control my feelings.

Nate leans close to me. "That face is just a glamour. When he was human that used to be his face. Then he was sent to Hell and became one of the Devil's demons. Hell morphs the demons to look like the monsters they are inside. On earth he can pull a simple glamour to fool people into thinking he's normal. Just concentrate on his features."

Steadying my breathing I step closer to the teen and I wince at his familiar green eyes and dark skin. This teen is just a normal human who introduced himself as 'Cass, the cashier'. He can't be a demon can he?

My movement seems to catch his attention and his green eyes find mine. "Marie! Please, please help me! These people are insane! They keep accusing me of all these awful things and they keep hurting me." His voice is scared and persistent and I whimper against the sympathy swelling inside me.

"Pay attention to his face." Turning to look into Nate's confident eyes I feel some of my resolve come back and I stare at Cass's face intensely. I imagine my mind mentally stripping away the mask he wears until his true features show through.

Suddenly his face grows blurry like an old fashioned TV flickering black and white. As his face starts to come back into focus I choke on a scream.

His eyes still have their intelligent glint to them but other than that they are completely different. For one, his sockets are wider and they slant upward slightly in an awkward pull of skin, like someone tried to sew his skin up and they failed. His irises are a flickering dark purple and his pupils are slitted like a cat's. His skin is still it's dark Mediterranean color but every now and then little sections move strangely like he has insects crawling under his skin and you can see the outlines of their scurrying bodies. The nose that used to be so long and thin is now squashed and torn flesh, healed long ago, barely hanging onto his face. His long fingers are crooked like they have been broken a million times over and his overgrown nails grow jagged and ripped at the end.

Only it's none of those features that sets me off. It's his mouth that has me stumbling away from his horrific body. The smooth lips I remember are replaced by a long jagged line tearing up his cheeks almost to his ears. There is only one way to describe what his mouth looks like; someone seemed to have tried to make his smile wider and longer in an attempt to look more like the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland. Whoever tried must have done a terribly fast and sloppy job of it. The torn flesh can't hide the jagged white razors that line his mouth. They shine slick with blood and whatever the other liquid he's drenched in and I can see that their sharp edges are what makes his lips look like pulverized meat. They cut into his flesh and tear into his own mouth.

In my attempt to scramble away from him I trip and fall. Not able to tear my gaze from this demon in front of me I watch as a long black tongue whips out from his mouth and flickers over his razor filled mouth. When the tongue nicks one of his razors a drop of blood flicks to the floor.

I can't really tell anymore now that I can see his awfully twisted grin but I think he is laughing at me. "Oh my, oh my dear. You can see me. I can tell by the terror in your gaze." His voice is slow and smooth. He leans forward and blinks those purple eyes and his slitted pupils seem to grow thinner. "It wasn't so long ago that you were looking at me like I was the piece of meat. Oh, how the tables have turned."

He leans forward and terror takes over me as I sit frozen on the floor. His jagged nails scramble across the floor like he wants to claw his way closer. Suddenly a wet rag is thrown on his face and pulled taunt so that you can see the outlines of his features. Jem waists no time pouring something out of a jug onto the rag pulled over the demon's face.

I stare in transfixed horror as Jem and Jazmine unrelentingly pour the liquid, which by the strong sharp smell of it is alcohol, onto the demon's face. Gurgling and choking noises follow the demon's thrashing. When Jem let's up on pouring the alcohol Jazmine keeps a tight hold on the rag around the demons head. At the last possible second she finally rips it from his face and steps back as he spits and gags.

"You will watch your filthy mouth when talking to an angel. Understood?" Jazmine says lightly as if she just handed him a cookie. She pauses as if to wait for his response. When he gives none she moves forward with the rag again.

"Understood!" Cass screams and then mutters something under his breath. Jazmine doesn't hesitate it slashing her knife across his bicep. He hisses a breath and glares at her in mere annoyance.

Nate is suddenly at my side and helping me stand but I feel dizzy from the sight before me and from the strong sent of alcohol terminating the air. The fact that I didn't notice it before makes me wonder how scared I truly was for the feeling to overpower my sense of smell.

I move away from Nate as Cass's gaze flickers back to me. A sudden coldness overtakes me making my spine straighten and my face grow taunt. I will not let this demon see another ounce of my fear. "What does Richard want?"

Cass hums his approval at my question and I have a feeling that he had been waiting for me to question him this whole time. "Oh my dear." He sighs and despite the teenager I thought I recognized upon coming into this room I know that this demon in front of me now is so much older than he seemed. "He wants revenge for what you did to his soldiers and his wings so many years ago. But he also wants your heart for himself."

A stunned silence washes over the group and I can tell that this is very bad. No Fallen is supposed to know my exact identity. No Fallen is supposed to know what powers I posses. No Fallen is supposed to know who the Phoenix is.

So how does a Fallen know?

Cass leans forward and cackles at my expression. "He knows. He knows what powers you possess. He knows you are weak. He knows. He knows. Mmmmm...." His black tongue flicks out again as his thoughts seem to drift. "You would taste so-"

Before he can finish his disgusting comment Nate is on him. He doesn't raise a fist or a knife to Cass. But as Nate's power washes over the floor the demon whimpers like he's being beaten. Only half a second passes before Nate backs up again and moves to block the demon's view of me.

"If you dare mutter another sentence like that I will start with your fingers. You don't need those to talk." Nate's voice booms around the room and the demon shrinks back even further.

Jem steps up and pushes Jazmine and Nate away from Cass. "Continue." She nods at the demon.

Taking a few shuddering breaths Cass sits up straighter. "He brings me up and he tells me to watch her. To tell him...tell him what she's doing and who is around her. He says she is the Phoenix we have been looking for so long. He says he will eat her heart and gain her powers. Her strength. Her healing. Her energy. Her gift. Her heart...." He trails off again as he stares at me with a hunger that sends my heart into a a terrifying pace, but I keep my breathing even.

When Nate steps closer to him he flinches and continues. "He says with her heart he may give the power to other Fallen. He says he can manipulate it with his dark powers to make them-" He suddenly stops and cackles. "Oh dear, oh dear. I can't spoil the surprise. Don't worry my little treat you will be the main entree." His insane laughter booms around the room. His bared razor blade teeth make the tender flesh of his lips tear again and bleed down his chin so he looks even more sadistic.

Nate doesn't go after him again. Instead he looks worried. Like this is something new to him. Which is definitely not a good thing. He turns to Jazmine. "Get every bit of information out of him. Take him to his last breath and then let him come back so you can do it all over again. I want to know what Richard plans to do with Marie and how he learned her identity. We have a traitor among us."

She smiles cruelly as if getting the duty of torturing someone just brightened her day.

"Jem come with me." Nate commands and then grabs me by the arm and starts to speed walk me into the tunnel. But not before I can hear the soft singing.

"Healer's heart. The sweetest blood to drink. The gentlest instrument to hear. The tastiest morsel to eat. Healer's heart." The song ends with a hard thud and the hiss of the demon.

"I am going to enjoy this." Are the last words I hear from Jazmine as I exit the fireplace.

I feel numb. Like everything he just said hasn't dawned on me. I feel Nate guide me to one of his couches before standing with Jem to the side and talking in hushed tones. "I am going to go and sort some things out with my troops. Jasper will be patrolling the woods as instructed by Richard, but if he hears that they will move in on Marie he will alert you. Eliza will be left to control my men and Royce will be sent on some errands for me." Nate seems to be going through a check list with Jem as he continues.

"You or Lily will always accompany Marie anywhere she goes if I am not with her. You will not let anything get in the way of your objective to protect her. Tell Lily of this and keep Pepper close by. Eliza is worried about her. Understood?"

"Yes, sir." Jem says and when I weakly glance over at her I see her posture is stick straight and her gaze is sharp and unrelenting. This is 'Soldier Jem'.

Nate nods at her and then comes to kneel in front of me. His expression softens slightly so he is somewhere between 'General Nate' and 'Guardian Nate'. "Marie, I will be back late tonight. You will stay here with Jem and Jazmine."

Gasping sharply I shake my head in disagreement. It takes me another second to get my words back. "I won't stay here with that...thing here."

"The demon will be secured. He won't be able to move a muscle once Jaz properly chains him tonight."

"Jazmine! Nate, what if she's the traitor! She knows my secret. She could very well kidnap me tonight and bring me to Richard." As the words leave my mouth I know that I absolutely believe that she is the traitor. She hates me after all and she is Fallen. Even if she is close to Nate time could have turned her to the dark side for good. Ug, did I really just think the "dark side"?

Nate's face hardens. "She wouldn't betray me like that." I open my mouth but he interrupts me. "I know you don't trust her but trust me. I wouldn't put your safely into the hands of someone like her unless I ultimately trusted her."

He waits a few moments until I nod. Of course I trust Nate. I trust him with my life. He just doesn't need to know that Jazmine is still my number one suspect.

"I must go. Stay here and I will see you tonight." He smiles but I can see that it's forced. Before he can get back up I quickly grab the front of his shirt and kiss him.

It's not particularly a romantic kiss. It's more of a desperate, frightened kiss of someone scared of being left alone in the darkness of the world. And he returns the kiss with every bit of fevered desperation as I do.

When he finally pulls away his smile is slightly lighter, less pulled taunt by worry. I still have a million questions on this new development but they would have to wait until tomorrow.

He raises my left hand and gently kisses my engagement ring. I can see our promises to each other swimming in the depths of his mind.

When Nate finally gets up and moves to the doorway Jem comes out from the entryway and nods at him. With that he is out the door and off to do whatever Generals of angel armies do.

Leaving me here with a sword loving brunette, a bitchy red head, and an even freakier version of the Joker. Yaa.

For the rest of the day I tried to catch up on homework that I'd missed over the last few days and Jem helped me to figure out some of the more complicated things I didn't understand. Luckily the screaming seemed to have stopped.

By the time it was dark Jem did a perimeter check, called Lily to check in and Jazmine came upstairs. Covered in blood and alcohol she looks like a fiery angel of death. She doesn't even say a word to me as she passes me on her way to the shower. The silent treatment is okay with me.

Double checking that the fireplace is all closed up I finally head to Nate's room. I don't really know whether it's the fact that I am back to just wearing my undergarments and Nate's comfortable shirt or the soft feeling of silk against my skin but I fall asleep almost as soon as my head hits the pillow. I fall right into a nightmare.

I'm being chased through a graveyard. The wind is bitter cold and every time it lashes my skin I can feel the slash like it's an invisible dagger, used against any and all who trespass upon this cemetery. The shadow behind me is overlapping mine but I don't want to turn and see the creature, so I continue running.

The wrought iron gate is wide open in front of me. My friends all stand outside of the boundaries of the graveyard with scowls on their faces. They look disappointed in me. Angry at me. Ashamed of me. They start to turn their backs on me and walk away.

Every time I open my mouth to scream their names the wind lashes my tongue and steals my breath. The shadow starts to swallow over me and I feel it's weight pressing down and I trip just before the gate. But there is one more person left just beyond the gate.

I look into his handsome face and try to plead with him but the wind steals my voice. He leans down and glares at me with a scornful look on his face. "You deserve this Marie." And then he walks away as the shadow slowly starts to suffocate me.

But I have one last breath left to scream his name. "Nate!"

Crashing back into reality I shoot straight up in bed and pant heavily as I recall my dream. Dragging a tired hand over my face I push the nightmare aside. I'm too exhausted to even think right now.

Falling back onto my pillow I flop onto my side and curl into a ball. But the nightmare has left me feeling the cold wind on my skin and I can't seem to warm up. Making myself as small as I can I try and focus on warming up and I slowly slip into an uneasy unconsciousness.

It isn't until I wake up again and feel Nate slip into bed beside me do I finally relax. I take a deep breath and stretch my tight, sore muscles out. He slips behind me and pulls me to his bare chest. Funny how only a few weeks ago I would have felt way too awkward to even be near a shirtless guy. I guess with everything going on I hadn't really stopped to think about our quickly progressing relationship. Even though that's true I feel so safe and relaxed just snuggled up next to him so I don't let my mind linger too long.

With one arm under my head and the other over my stomach I tuck my feet between his shins to help me warm up. Feeling his familiar warm, muscled body fit perfectly around mine I sigh contently and grip his arm tightly. Tonight isn't about anything more than feeling secure in his arms. As sleep creeps up on me again he gently kisses my head and pulls me as tightly as he can to his body.

For him tonight is about knowing the thing he can't live with out is protected.

A slight movement has me cracking my tired eyes open and I shift slightly as I feel the bed move beneath me. Rolling over I stare at Nate's back as he silently gets up from the bed and goes over to his tiny dresser in the corner.

Since he fell asleep in sport shorts and no shirt all he does is slip on socks and grab his running shoes. I take the moment to admire the swimmer's body build he seems to have. All taunt muscles and lean limbs. Next to him I am just a small twig.

"As much as I love it when you admire me, you're making it hard for me to proceed in leaving this room for my morning run." Nate surprises me as he straightens up and stares directly at me. I can't tell if he noticed my eyes on him or if he could feel my growing desire. Probably both.

Not pretending to be asleep any longer I push my self up and lean against the headboard. Bringing my knees up the silk sheets slide off, exposing my legs. It's not that I want to push things too fast or too far with Nate but that doesn't mean I'm not going to get him back for every moment he distracted me with his handsome features.

Dropping his shoes Nate uses his super speed to be at my side in less than a second. I choke on my own breath when he pushes me onto my back. Hovering over me with that stupid self confident smirk curling his lips he leans just a whisper away from me. "You shouldn't be a tease if you're not ready for the consequences."

Scoffing like this sudden position isn't doing crazy things to my mind, I glare up at him. "Oh, you mean like you always being a tease with me? That's the pot calling the kettle black!" I say, using an old phrase I've always loved.

"I'll have you know I am always that charming, you just can't help yourself when you're around me." Confidence rolls off of him and I can tell that he honestly believes I am just that weak kneed around him.

Suddenly angry I curse myself for showing my reaction to him so plainly. Whenever reading a book I've always hated the girl that has no back bone because she is always melting into a bowl of jelly around a really hot guy.

Moving my left leg slightly so it's freed up I place my palms on his chest. He takes my action as an incentive to kiss me. Just before his lips even brush mine I wrap my left leg around his and push my palms up. In one smooth movement I have him on his back and me hovering over him.

Leaning in like he had, I let my eyes flare with the confidence I know I don't have at the moment. "You should know that if it took me two and a half lifetimes to even like you as a friend, then I sure as hell didn't fall in love with your charm."

Nate smirks and slides his hands onto my hips so he can slowly reel me to him. "I guess it was just my good looks then."

By now I can't really say anything as our lips are practically brushing. Even though all he has to do is lift his head slightly, to completely connect the contact, he doesn't move an inch. For a moment confusion sets in until I remember words he spoke to me days ago. "The last thing I want is to force you into something that you don't feel comfortable with."

I realize that kissing Nate now, in this situation, I would seriously be pushing his limit of self control. Yet being this close to kissing him now, I can't find the self control I should be wielding myself.

Letting my body slide the rest of the way over his, I brace my arms on either side of his head, and I let that last whisper of space between our lips be breached.

As soon as I cross that threshold I know this kiss is going to be so much different from the others we have already shared. First of all, I'm not wearing any pants and he's not wearing a shirt. Second of all, we are in bed and all alone. Those aren't good odds.

Fire bursts across my skin as his lips break away from mine to burn a trail down my throat. Every time I feel his lips touch another spot of my skin my mind starts to slip deeper into the seductive haze forming around us. Not caring if I'm holding myself up any longer I let my fingers rush through his soft hair. I've been wanting to do that for weeks.

Even as he works his way across the tender flesh of my neck in a uncontrolled frenzy of his desire, his hands stay still. They don't move to my exposed legs or to the hem of the shirt tangled around me. He keeps them firmly on my hips and the little part of my mind, that is still able to work, is relieved that he isn't attempting to take things further. The rest of me is disappointed.

Not wanting him to keep wandering from my mouth I pull one of my hands from his hair and grip his chin to bring it back in place. He corrects my head tilt so that we can deepen the kiss and I feel every inch of me sizzle and burn with the heat and desire that is crackling around us.

"I knew you liked it on top." Jasper's voice says from the doorway and very appropriately I scream my head off and topple off the side of the bed.

Nate is up and has Jasper slammed against the open door, before I can even peek over the side of the bed. "What the hell are you doing in here?" Surprisingly Nate only sounds simply annoyed rather than angry.

Maybe it's just me that wants to slam the ginger's head through a wall.

"We need to talk." Jasper states simply like that makes up for the fact that he was just creeping on us.

It seems to be enough for Nate because he let's go of Jasper and points to the open doorway. "Out. I will meet you in the kitchen." Nate is a few inches taller and much broader than the gangly flame twin, but Jasper acts like Nate is the least threatening thing in the room.

"Is there a certain amount of time I need to give you?" Jasper gives me a sly wink over Nate's shoulder. "I'm sure that one takes up some time but what I have to say is kind of important so if you could wrap things up quickly..."

Nate is already shoving him out of the room and closing the door in his face. The wooden barricade doesn't divert Jasper though. "Seriously mate, ten minutes top!"

"Leave you creep!" I scream at the door and am treated to retreating footsteps and a loud chuckle.

Nate's before me in a second and he helps pull me up. The mood has been completely crushed, burned and stomped on. Sighing heavily I can't decide which feeling is more dominant inside me right now. Relief or disappointment.

Now that my mind has a chance to clear the fog away I feel a sudden shyness and embarrassment overcome me. Staring down at the ground a fiery blush blazes to life on my face. Nate's close proximity isn't helping matters either.

Nate slips two of his fingers under my chin and he pushes up until I'm forced to look up into his eyes. "I'm sorry we were interrupted, love." He pauses a moment.

"But I am also glad." At those words, hurt and a spark of anger flare to life within me. He continues. "I was about to lose whatever self control I had left if that had went on as it was."

Confused by his words I try to back away but his grip is iron tight. "You don't want to..." I try to ask the question but even my short temper doesn't fuel any boldness into me.

Nate actually laughs and flashes me one of his beautiful smiles. If his next words are something along the lines of 'You must be joking, of course I don't', then I'm going to punch him.

"I want nothing more than to show you right now just how much I want that. And yet I can feel your hesitation and fear. I know that to you, we have only been dating for a few weeks and you are still young in this life. If there is one thing being with you has taught me, it's how to respect a woman. You've never let me do something with you that you weren't prepared for. No matter how hard I ever pushed our relationship in the past you put me in my place."

I stare at him in bewilderment. "I didn't exactly show real constraint just a moment ago."

Nate chuckles and shakes his head. Finally letting me go he walks over to his dresser and grabs himself a shirt. "Being a human means you're more weakened by my power. As an angel it was easier for you to use your own power to block mine from affecting you."

I shake my head in frustration at having another problem come to light, just because I am human. Walking over to the bag I grabbed from Lily's I pull out my oversized 'Bad Wolf' quarter sleeve grey shirt, comfortable jeans, and a pair of borrowed grey heeled boots.

Wanting to be quick and very aware of Nate still in the room with me, I use the gift that every girl learns; being able to dress without showing anything.

Finally ready I finger comb through my tangled blond hair and quickly pull it up into a tight knot at the base of my neck.

Turning around I face off with Nate. Apparently while I was concentrating on dressing he had changed from shorts to dark jeans and his shirt is just a plain black. Looking back up into his face I notice his dark hair is sticking up all over the place. The wild look suits him but I doubt he would want to look like that all day.

Stepping closer I let my fingers gently comb through his hair until I have it lying slightly straight on his head. In the dim light of the early morning the tips of his hair shimmers with their natural highlights. Satisfied I let my hands drop back down to my sides, my fingers already missing the soft tufts of hair, and I notice him smirking at me.
"What?" I ask defensively.

"I just think it's cute how you're already acting like my wife." His comment makes my face heat up and my insides twist.

"Nate!" I practically yell.

"Yes?" Nate seems amused and frustrated at the same time with my response.

"You can't just randomly blurt things like that! I'm not even ready for that kind of thing to happen in my life right now." I back away from him as he crosses his arms and glares at me. How we can go from happy and kissing to angry and glaring, I don't know.

He breaks his heavy stare off and just smirks at me. "You better get used to it soon then. I've waited many years to have you back in my life and now that you're finally here I'm sure as hell not going to hold back with how I feel."

I cross my arms in anger and open my mouth to argue when the bedroom door crashes open.

"You need to get out here now!" Eliza pants for breath as she stares at Nate.

***
"How bad are the casualties?" Nate questions as he stands in the middle of his kitchen. His expression is that of complete and utter control. His voice demands attention and respect. His stance is intimidating as his feet stay shoulder width apart and his arms cross in front of him.

In front of him the room is crowded. Eliza, Lily and Jem stand with their backs pressed to the sink. Jazmine and Jasper relax against the counter. I stand close to Eliza and Jem, not quite sure what to do. But everyone seems to stand at attention. Even the flame twins seem to have lost their sass and they stare straight at Nate, not daring to break his glare.

"We lost at least a hundred and thirty two. I wanted to go back and collect the bodies but the damn Fallen had set fire to the whole area." Eliza explains and I study her disheveled appearance. Gone are her usual brightly colored clothes and she now wears what looks like a soldiers uniform. It's dark blue and cleanly ironed if not a bit dirty. Her hair is clasped in a cruelly tight bun and her pale face exposes dirt smudges and freckles.

Her appearance had shocked both Nate and I but she hadn't come back for a social call.

"Tell me want happened." Nate commands.

"I was just overseeing training. We had chosen a desolated area in Winchester to set up camp. I had more than three hundred soldiers there just doing their night runs when the demons started to pour in. Good Lord, Nate...I haven't seen so many since that time in France in 1435." Eliza spits the word demon out like it's acid in her mouth and her face starts to turn a shade of red. Her temper is rising.

"I didn't hear a thing and suddenly they were on us. It was like the Devil himself had opened the earth and let the dirty creatures pour out from the very pits of hell he raised them in. As soon as the survivors and I were able to escape I sent Messengers to go and alert the other troops. By the time we came back to camp, Fallen were already torching the place. We captured the ones we didn't kill, but before interrogation could begin they managed to kill themselves in captivity." Eliza's eyes have turned a dangerous color and I step slightly away from her.

"Are you a bloody moron or do you just like screwing things up?" Venom drips from Jazmine's voice as she hurls the words at my friend. My fists clench and I so want to hit her with everything I've got.

Eliza steps forward and she's got at least two inches on Jazmine, but Jazmine isn't backing down. Instead she steps forward and smiles. "What's wrong, Angel? You know I'm right. You're Nate's right hand woman and yet you can't even supervise a training session without getting everyone killed."

The red heads are so close I can't see their expressions anymore but I can imagine them. "If you want to fight me, you worthless piece of trash, then just say so. It's not like you've ever mattered enough to have the responsibilities I have now."

"Enough!" I literally feel the power rippling from Nate as he glares at Eliza and Jazmine. The two red heads immediately submit and return to their original positions. Their eyes are back to being glued to Nate.

I have never known anyone to make Eliza do anything.

"If we are done with this worthless bantering, then I would like to know what the Fallen did to please the Devil so much that he granted them such a large number of his army. Eliza, Jem and Jazmine I want you back in England in two hours. I will give you the rest of your orders after you're all ready. Go and no arguing." I watch solemnly as my friends file out.

Nate turns his attention to Jasper and Lily. "Jasper, I want you to try and dig information out of Richard and if you learn anything call me. If something involving Marie comes up, call me and find her. No matter what, you are to protect her. Understood."

Jasper nods stiffly and pulls out a cigarette.

"Lily, you will accompany Marie and Pepper everywhere they go. They may not leave the house unless it's for school. We must not raise suspicion among the humans. They are still in great danger. Is that understood?"

"Yes, sir." Lily nods. Without another word Jasper heads off to follow his sister deeper into the house and Lily goes into the living room to give Nate and I some privacy.

My head is throbbing and I feel ill. I can't summon enough energy to beg him not to leave so instead I just stare at the serious man before me.

Nate opens his mouth but before he can say goodbye I rush into my question. "What about Richard? Cass said he knows who I am."

"I already contacted some of my men and they are looking into it. Jasper will try and find the answer himself, but until then I need you to trust no one unless I've told you to. Stay with Lily and Pepper. They will protect you, and don't go anywhere alone. Understood?"

I bite on my tongue to keep a angry retort from coming out. I am not one of his soldiers and he doesn't get to treat me like one. But at the same I know how serious this situation is and we don't have time to fight. "Yes. You didn't mention Ivy."

"I don't fully trust her yet. Jem informed about your insistence on telling Ivy the whole truth about your situation. I have no trouble believing that Jem told her just enough to satisfy your guilt and her curiosity, but you will not tell her anything else. She's a Walker and even though I grant her training and access into my army I will not entrust her with your safety." Nate seems to see the growing anger rising inside me because he reaches out and grips my arm in a comforting way. "Please, Marie."

Different emotions swirl inside my mind causing a throbbing headache to make me feel nauseous. Swallowing the swell of emotions I take a deep breath and nod. I'm smart enough to know that this is no fairy tale. This is war. And in war you can't always have the privilege of trust and safety. In order to survive you have to be completely sure of the people you've chosen to fight with you.

Looking into his handsome face I lean on tiptoes and kiss him quickly.

His lips curl slightly and he kisses my forehead. "Don't worry, I'll be safe."

Smiling I pick up his left hand and press my lips to the golden band one his ring finger. "I know you will. You've got a promise to keep."

"That I do."

***
Nate, Eliza, Jazmine, and Jem left an hour ago for England. Before departure Jem gave me a quick hug and said she expects me to keep up my training. Nate kissed my forehead and promised me once more that he would be ok. Eliza punched my shoulder and told me she would say hi to Royce for me and that I better keep an eye on Pepper for her. Jazmine shot me a look of disgust as sadness twisted my features at seeing my friends off.

Now I am helping Lily with dinner and I try not to think about the pile of homework I have waiting for me. Many students would love to get days off of school but in reality it just sucks missing lessons.

"You're going to cut your finger if you don't start paying attention." Lily casually says as she stirs the pot of boiling Lima beans. Looking down at my butcher's knife frozen only an inch from my finger I adjust my grip and try to clear my brain of the fog clouding my sense.

"Sorry, I'm just exhausted." I'm a whole lot more than exhausted. Worry and fear encircle me and fill me until I'm sure I will suffocate under their relentless pressure. My friends are off in Europe and I'm here, useless. I want to help. I want to fight. I don't want to stay here all cooped up and protected. I can't cough without Lily running to me and making sure I'm not dying.

"It won't get better, I'm afraid." Lily says quietly.

"What?"

"The fear for the ones you love. They will leave and you will be fearful for their deaths until they come back home. It's a cycle and it will never get better."

"Then how the hell do you cope with it? You always seem so casual and calm about them leaving, when I can hear Pepper right now crying in her room over Eliza leaving. Ivy hasn't spoken all night since she heard Jem had left and I just about cut my stupid finger off thinking about them all in danger, and how I can't do a damn thing to help because I'm useless!" My breaths come out fast and choppy and I can feel my face heat up with my anger and shame.

Lily moves the boiling pot off the stove and turns the burner off. She turns towards me and I stare into her soft eyes. "Are you done?"

Taking a deep breath I nod.

"I feel the same way, Marie. But I've let the fear become a numb buzzing noise instead of a roaring waterfall that takes over my life. I don't let it consume me because the moment I do I am weak and vulnerable. Fear effects people differently. It shuts me down. It crushes you. Letting it consume you is not a luxury you have. Do you understand what I am saying?" I stare at Lily and swallow back my anxiety.

I know she's right. I'm the Phoenix and the second I show weakness I'm dead.

In that moment I take my fear and I shove it aside. In it's place I build up my determination. I will not let my friends die in this war.

"Lily I need you to know that I am sorry. I'm not as powerful as I once was but I swear to you that I will train and I will fight. I will do everything in my power to keep the angels that look up to me protected. I swear. If I have to, I will fight until my last breath if it means giving any of you one more minute of life." I promise and I know that there will never be any amount of fear that could keep me from sacrificing myself for those who look to me for protection and help.

The laugh that comes from Lily is light and airy. She walks to me and hugs me tightly. I feel myself melt into her warm embrace. Tears threaten to break free and I hold onto her tighter. I don't care if she ever lied to me in this life time. She's still the only mother I will ever have.

When we finally break free Lily smiles at me. "You always try to put the weight of the world on your shoulders."

"But the angels and the humans, whether they know it or not, rely on me."

"They rely on the Phoenix to do her job. That's it. Every angel will fight to the death to protect the world. They would fight to the death to protect you." She reaches up and pats my cheek. "Marie, you feel so alone, but you will always have someone to help you hold the weight of the world. No one is ever alone. Even if they believe they are."

This time a tear escapes my eye and I let out a whimper. Before I had ever met Eliza and knew the truth about my past I felt alone. I felt so empty and alone I would hurt myself just to feel something. But after awhile I stopped because the scars didn't effect my parents. It only made my mother despise me more and my father feel victorious in his path to make me feel powerless. Keeping it hidden from everyone else meant I didn't get a reaction from them. But I never gave up on life because in that moment of harsh realization I felt something. Hope. Hope that one day there would be someone who would need me. Someone who would rely on me and someone who couldn't live without me. I threw away my blade and promised myself to never again give my parents the satisfaction of seeing my weakness.

I am no longer alone and I am no longer unloved and unneeded.

"Thank you." I smile at Lily and feel embarrassment creep over me at my tears.

She smiles softly and swipes away the salty wetness staining my cheeks. Backing away from me she puts the Lima beans back on the stove. "Pepper! Get your butt in here and set the table. That means you too, Ivy!" Lily yells in the direction of the rooms.

Blinking my eyes rapidly to dry my eyelashes I get back to cutting up the cheese for the homemade pizza coming out of the oven. Lily insisted upon having Lima beans with the extra cheesy goodness to make sure we were all getting our vegetables in.

After Pepper and Ivy trudged their way out of their rooms and set the table we all sat down and eat dinner, quietly.

***
I quietly step across a large stick so I don't break it and make my presence known. My breathing is quiet and the darkness wraps around me. Keeping my distance is not an option if I want to see what Nathaniel is up to in the middle of the woods at night.

Realizing I'm in a memory I try to pay attention to details to try and figure out what time period I'm remembering from but all I can see through my past self is darkness and trees.

Darting behind a large tree trunk I peer in between two branches to see two figures standing close together. Straining my heightened hearing I start to catch their conversation.

"I thought you'd never get here. What took you so long?" A flirty voice drifts through the air to my ears and I cringe inwardly as the pain of hurt enters my mind. He is seeing her again.

"I was eating with Marie. It took awhile to get away but I can't stay long." He stays a few inches from her reach and so she moves forward and let's her fingertips gently slide up his arm.

"Why do you have to leave so quickly? Can't the girl take care of herself for one night?" Surprisingly Nate steps away from her touch and crosses his arm. I've known him long enough to understand that he is frustrated.

"Jaz, you know what happened. She was almost killed because I was preoccupied with you." There's an accusation in his undertone and Jazmine doesn't take that well.

"She deserves to die for being so stupid. She didn't even say a word to you before she was off." She steps closer to him and I can see a cruel smirk curl her lips. "And since when was being preoccupied with me a bad thing?"

Jazmine reaches out again as if to touch him but he catches her wrist. "Did you send those Fallen after her?"

Jazmine yanks her hand back and crosses her arms. "No."

"You knew where she was going to be and you were the one to invite me out." His words surprise me as much as they must hurt Jazmine. If she even has feelings to be hurt.

"You think that since I am Fallen that I am suddenly unworthy of your trust? Has that pathetic Healer poisoned your mind? I've known you much longer than she has."

"You knew me. I am different now. I have a responsibility to Marie and to the army."

Jazmine goes very still. "You joined their army?" She waits a beat. "You selfish bastard! You intend to kill me when you next see me I assume? Suddenly you become all high and mighty and you're too good for a Fallen like me?"

"Jaz-"

"No! I hope I see your precious Healer soon. Because when I do I will kill her!" And with that Jazmine is flying off. Nate hangs his head and I step back slightly, stunned by the whole scene. Then my foot breaks the very stick I had avoided and Nate's head snaps up.

A sudden sound wakes me from my memory and I sit up straight in my bed. How could Nate seriously trust Jazmine? She had already proclaimed her desire to kill me! How many death threats did he need to hear to believe my suspicions of her?

The sound of the refrigerator door being quietly opened and closed breaks me away from my train of thought and my stomach starts thinking for me. Getting up and silently passing a sleeping Ivy I walk out of our room and I close the door so I don't wake her.

Walking to the kitchen I really hope it's Lily getting a midnight snack so I can tell her about my memory. Reaching the large oak table I see nothing but the dark shadows of the cabinets. Trying to fight the chill flowing over my bare skin I reach out my hands and try to feel my way to the fridge.

My fingers connect with something warm and soft. "Lily-" I don't have time to finish my sentence before I feel a large hand clamp onto my neck and suddenly I no longer see the shapes of the kitchen as darkness overcomes me.

**Quote: "You never need to apologize for how you choose to survive."  ~~Unknown **