I'm only 16.

Pretty young to write detailed journal entries about my sexuality on Wattpad.

But who cares?

As you read in the title, and maybe in my bio, I'm gay and closeted.

 Small disclaimer: I'm not a flagrant gay. I don't my weekends at Pride festivals, I'm not wearing makeup, and no one would consider me feminine. I don't want to do, or be any of those things, and being into guys doesn't define me as a person.

My friend knows about my sexuality, but she's a wall. Nothing would get through her. I've watched Love, Simon on repeat in the last week, and it makes me cry and depressed. Almost everything makes me cry and depressed, which is kind of a Millenilal/Gen Z thing. Life has been pretty tough recently, and it's almost definetly not because I listen to Billie Eilish and I'm looking for Insta fame over my "anxiety". 

I've looked at guys in the corridor at school. I mean, some are really hot, and I kind of... can't stand it. 

I'm also doing a lot of sport, and even the changing rooms at the gym are rough. I don't want to fuck everything that moves, but guys, picture yourself in the girl's locker room. Yeah, you get it. 

I've also tried hiding my sexuality by dating girls. Indeed, I'm a jerk. Breaking people's heart to make people think I'm straight. It's not nice, and I feel terrible about it, but I feel like my friends have expectations about my love life. Some of them are sure I'm gay, not for the good reasons, and I also don't want them to think they are right. Which is pretty hard for me to do. I would like to accept the person I am, to be able to get in relationships with guys, relationships I chose. 

So that's it for the first part of my rant book. I'm going to post more chapters today, you won't have to wait. 

[email protected] - My e-mail if you have questions!

Thanks, 

Lawrence