Posted september 5th, 2020

Tess and Amber both texted me on the group chat.

They said they wanted to spend time with me. It had been a week since the big dinner. I was finishing a few last minute details to perform the experiment. Now, I remembered why I wanted to perform it.

I am insensitive, like the test proved when I was ten years. And although, I didn't understand how someone could feel love more, I wanted to be able to do that too.

Reading their texts made me happy. After closing my computer, I settled on my sofa in my office, and answered their texts.

We settled on a sleepover under the stars at my house. We brought comforters, pillows and snacks to the roof. At first, the conversation was light and happy. We talked, made jokes, and ate.

At one point, Amber said "this feels very nice."

Then a sudden breeze blew on us, and it felt like she blew sadness instead of wind. Yes, it was nicie. Being with them. Talking to them as friends, and people who got back. would I be there another time to talk to them? Would I survive the surgery?

The air became tense, the silence heavy, and our silent thoughts very loud. I knew what they were thinking. They did, too. I didn't want to be the first one to acknowledge.

Tess did. always the bravest one. She faced things head first if she knew she'd faced them eventually. I admired that. "Why are you so passionate about this surgery, Autumn?"

"passionate?" I echoed after a moment, staring at the bright stars in the pitch dark sky. We were all laying down on the ground.

"yes. Why can't you let go?"

Where could I even start? "it's complicated, Tasnim." I said after a sigh. I locked my fidgeting arms. The conversation was making me agitated. I hadn't come to discuss my motives. I had come to have a good time because I missed them.

"try us." Said Amber, without a beat of hesitation. I looked at her hopeful, and set eyes. "try. Us." She repeated.

"It's... a mess." I said, shaking my head. "I'm a mess."

"aren't we all?" Tess said.

I shook my head. "no. not like me. I am messier, and worse than you all. I make the wrong choices repeatedly because I keep blinding myself to the truth. So life gets harder. And because I am strong headed, I listen to no one's advice. so life ends up being even harder, especially to handle on your own. I am the worst, worse than everybody."

I looked at their calms faces. They were subtly propped up on their elbows, listening to me.

Listening like they meant it. Had they always done it that way?

"why do you guys even hang out with me?" I whispered shyly. I don't even know if I would like myself if I met her?

Tasnime's eyes widened, and Amber's smile was an unbelievable one.

"are you kidding?" Amber said. They exchanged funny glances.

"what? I'm serious." I said, sitting up.

"wait, I know why you're thinking this." Tess said.

She looked at Amber. Amber's eyes were shining. She knew exactly what to say. Something told me they had had that conversation about me before. "It's because you're looking at yourself from your head- considering all your mistakes, and wrongs." She said, knowingly.

Tess looked at the stars, with a star filled smile, and openly happy features. "Autumn, you're awesome. One of the most awesome people I ever met."

"there's a lot of things we like about you. " amber continued, smiling very wide. I found myself mirroring her happy features. "your smile, your cleverness, your hardwork. The fact that you neve give up."

"but what sets you apart from the rest, really, is-" Tess said, squeezing my shoulder. She started tearing up. I put my hand on hers, and rubbed it. I felt my own vision fog as I listened to her. Dang. I didn't want to cry. Not again. "your empathy, and care for the world."

"you don't love everybody." Amber continued, a fear glinting on her cheeks under the bright moonlight. "but when you do, you love with all you got. You love your small group like you mean it, and show them sides of you people wouldn't know about. You give them time. You go out. You make them laugh. And if something something makes you happy, you take them out and spoil them. A lot."

"yes. Sometimes you're annoying." Tess chuckled. "if you're unhappy, you tend to push us away. Or become very distant. And not talk much. We push back. And when we can't, we take our distance, while letting you know we're always here. And you come back. you always come back. because you love us."

"you're not perfect." I smiled through my tears this time at Amber. Finally someone who realized. "you're messy, and weird, and strange, complicated. You make us mad sometimes and get on our nerves. But you're autumn Ace Air. You're still perfect amidst your imperfectness."

I took a sharp intake. Perfect amidst my imperfectness. Was that what they all meant all along? They couldn't –

Amber continued talking. "you know for a long time, I didn't understand why people love you so much. Now I do." she laughed, as if to say how could I have been so blind? "your care for the world makes you attractive. And your authenticity makes you stand out in this busy industry. You are honest, all the time."

The last line not only infuriated me. But it also made me very sad. Honest? I hadn't really been.

I looked down. "no. I'm not always honest."

"you always do at the end." She replied.

"you can't fake it for too long." Tess added.

Could they be right? Was that how I was compelled to be bloodily honest with them?

I took a deep breath. "I'm getting second thoughts about whether I should do after my blackout and getting locked up for so long. But I need to know the truth."

Can I love even more? Also, will the experiment help other people? I was too caught up to back away.

They looked at me with happy grins. I couldn't help but feel I was keeping a lot to myself, still. "that's all I can say for now."

You cant go from trusting them with almost nothing personal, to saying everything. There needs to be baby steps in between. Go easy on you, Autumn.

"I told you so." Amber said to Tess. Tess grinned knowingly.

"what?" I asked, puzzled.

She shook her head. " we just love you, Autumn Ace Are, our great friend." She winked. She knew I hated that label.

But in their hugs, and later that night laying down to the soft sound of their snores, I couldn't help but feel at home.