Posted August 22, 2020

For The Wattys 2020

At my bedroom door, looking at Isic's strangled puppy face, I wanted to hurt so much that we would never be close and I would never risk being hurt again.

it all started when I came back home on the 6th of June to an empty house.

I took off my shoes, hung my jacket, put the apron on and went to the kitchen to cook dinner. I hadn't been there for a while. it felt strange, almost like I was back at my detached home in Ken's house. But without the depressing feelings. Just the homey vibes.

Isic came home while I was eating, and was strangely silent. Even though he saw me eating he started going upstairs.

"Isic. You're not hungry?" He looked at me with puppy watery eyes. What was wrong with him?

"I am."

"then come eat." I said. He started walking down. Had he really been waiting for me to call him back? What was wrong?

I furrowed my eyebrows. Maybe he was just having a bad day.

"are you OK" I asked, my curiosity getting the best of me.

"sure" he said, looking at his vegetables. "I should be the one asking you this question." he said.

I furrowed even more. But he didn't. It almost felt like he was too shy to ask me to ask me. I couldn't meet his eyes even if I tried. But I went back to my food anyway. baby was having a bad day and wanted to be left alone. and he didn't want to fight with me. I should be happy!

I wasn't.

I knew there was something off.

I didn't take long to figure it out.

after took the dishes to the sink, washed them, tidied the living room and the kitchen. I turned off the lights until there was only a soft glow emanating from the side lights in the hallway. can I take the stairs up, and 30 minutes later, almost as if Isic could not stop himself anymore, he locked on my door hurriedly.

It's where I was now.

"I'm so sorry for all the hurt I caused you."

at first I thought I'd been here right. I crunched my nose and and opened the door. "what?"

"I'm sorry for all the hurt I caused you." He could barely meet my eye.

this time I knew I heard right. And I was so mad he was asking for forgiveness that I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to hurt him so much but I would go crying and never ever think of asking for forgiveness ever again from me. I do not forgive and do not forget.

there was a soft white glow in the black painted the hallway again.

you couldn't hurt me and then expect me to forgive you, to believe your words.

"I am never going to forgive you Isic."

he looked up at me big wide brown eyes. I wanted him to hate me so I would never think would ever be close. Hence I tried.

"You don't get forgiveness from me. you're a Despicable piece of human. you hurt me consistently. you lie to me all the time. you break my rules. you never leave me alone."

he lowered his gaze. "look at me !"

he did. "and talk. are you a coward on top of that"

but he only shook his head in defeat. as he did, it's like he took my heart and crushed it with a hammer. He was too good. He was too good for me.

Then he said the only proper sentence of the night, the one that angered me the most and maybe an emotional wreck afterwards. "I won't speak." he said looking into my eyes, "in fear that the words that will leave my mouth will hurt you again."

so he stayed. I insulted him the meanest words I thought of .

I hit him put my arm and my foot in my hands and my lamp.

I slapped him hard. so hard it hurt my hand.

but he didn't budge.

at some point I felt something wet on my cheek. But I kept going. I also told him it was tears of anger and not sadness. he only nodded. he could not care less.

But he had to hate me! He had to hate me or what we had would never work. we were not good for each other. We were like gas and fuel. Brought to close, we would burn each other down. We were destruction.

And when I fall in despair on the ground, he helped me stand up. and tucked me into my giant fluffy light pink bed. I could not help but notice his stained white shirt. Had I done all that damage?

I barely slept an hour, up thinking about his single line.

and the next day I couldn't call in sick. because it was my first mission with Calumn. And I could not afford to lose anymore time. I need to try to take information about Blake out of him.

I needed Blake's real first and last name.

Or at last, it's what I wanted to believe. I don't know if it was true.