Posted august 22, 2020

For the wattys 2020

I tried to make Isic leave my house.

He showed up the next day with his luggage at my front door. as soon as I opened it, he went in like it was his, barely acknowledging my presence.

who did he think he was ?

"what the hell?"

he tried to shush me with have a finger on his lips.

"no." I shook my head. "there's no way on earth you're staying at my place. leave right now."

"I'm tired." he said, fingers on his temple.

"don't tire us both and just leave. is that why you wanted my address last time."

he put his backpack on my couch, and sat beside it, his luggage around him too.

"let me make this clear."

there was something weird about him. he couldn't focus his eyes on one place, and his voice was lower than usual.

"you need me To stay and protect you 'cause you obviously cannot make reasonable decisions and take the right action."

i felt my breathing quicken. tongue on my teeth, i spoke.

I needed to get him out, and the only way I knew how was to hurt him, no matter how much it was going to hurt me. because him stain at my house was out of question. i went there to be by myself for some time, and reflect. is the reason why I bought it in the first place with my very own money. I wanted to have a quick getaway when life would be too hard to handle.

so just the fact that he knew about it was devastating for me. but staying? I couldn't handle that.

"I don't know why you think you're some superhero that needs to protect everybody because nobody is old enough in your eyes to make their own decisions. but you're not a superhero. you're human just like me."

Was I really human?

"Learn to leave the heck people alone OK ""

I knew I struck a chord. And I felt ashamed of using a secret he told me along time ago against him, but I knew it was his flaw. therefore it was hurt deep. therefore there were more chances of him leaving.

his pupils dilated, his back became stiff, he held his as he was looking at me.

"and who do you think you are? Better than everybody?

"Ive never-"

He cut me off. "you hide your pain and pretend to be someone you're not . You hurt people on purpose. you are heartless Autumn Ace Air ."

"i'm not heartless."

Or was I?

"it's your biggest fear. you're afraid of Depending on people, then of them leaving you or betraying you. but your biggest flaw is that you can't forgive. you can't see that people change. how sick do you have to be to believe that ?"

before i felt myself, i had have big glass in my hand that I threw at the wall as hard as I could. I pretended it contained all of my pain and guilt and anger, that it shattered and therefore freed me.

but it only entangled me further in the web I was in.

I open my mouth, but he spoke again. "I'm your friend, or maybe even more than that. I know what you need, And I see your pain even when no one else can. I'm trying to protect you, and be there for you "

"see that's the whole problem. I don't need you. you don't know anything about me and we're not even friends. go protect your mom that you could even protect so she forgot your name."

I saw tears come up to his eyes, and as one fell down, i felt like a piece of my heart felt too. Raw, strong, gut wrenching, the pain was spreading all inside my body.

I wasn't feeling pain anymore.

I was in the pain. the pain was me.

we were one.

he couldn't focus his eyes on one place again, and with the tears it made it even harder. under his thigh his hand was shaking. his mom was a sensible subject especially since she was the one who raised him by herself only.

"you're trying to hurt me so that I will leave. congratulations autumn. she did hurt me but i'm not leaving. I'm your real friend who is there to protect and be by their friends side. Besides, "

hey stood up, and came to my face,

"I know about Blake and the surgery. it's a dumb thing but if you wanna do it go ahead. I just wanna tell you that you will never be good enough to beat him by yourself. I mean who do you think you are ?"

we were out eye to eye. he lifted my arm, his eyes making fun of my not-so-good-in-his-eyes muscles. I was too weak to complain, or fight back.

"and if you do make me leave in some way, or you switch houses. just know but I will tell the whole order about your surgery and real intentions, all because i really want to protect you."

looking into his eyes, and the way he was standing, I knew he was telling the truth. Isic would do anything just to protect the people that he cares about.

Defeated, i still left the room to the second and only floor to my room, head high, and steady pace. I wasn't going to let him know that he defeated me.

I think Isic was under some sort of influence because he would have never been so harst to me. Or was it because I did the same to him, and he was only treating me the way I deserved to be treated by him ?