Posted August 8, 2020

for The Wattys 2020 

I received a text threat at 7:00 a.m. the very next day.

It's when it became very clear in my head that my rival was following me very closely and wouldn't let me perform it until I stopped him from stopping me. I needed at least a name. A real name. I had evidence of everything he had done.

The most obvious way to start was attempt to decode his Ip address. Even if I failed multiple times before.

I needed to be able to perform it on my DNA, no matter the cost. Because the cost of failing would be greater than the life I could lose if I failed. My fans were my only supporters. If they found out that I had been faking my sensitivity all that time, they would turn against me.

That's when I'd be at my darkest and lowest. I'd be truly lonely.

I sat at my grey desk at work really long. Every time I had a small break, and a bit of free time between clients, I'd pull up my tab on my computer and continue where I was. Failing for me, at that point, was not an option.

Typically, at five no more clients would come. I worked continuously from five till seven. Then I wait for a drink of water, came back and did the same thing.

I could feel the stakes of failing at finding it on my shoulders. The room gradually became darker as the sun started setting. I moved so many times on my chair, then later on my sofa when I moved to it. Ii even removed my balzer, thinking it was because I was hot that my brain power to decipher it was at its lowest.

It was all excuses. The truth was that I couldn't do it.

The one who hid his IP address was a pro hacker.

At ten o'clock, I looked up to the big windows on the other side of the room. Surrounded by darkness, all alone, the gloominess of my emotions and situation took a toll on me. I gave myself permission to be weak. I reluctantly closed my laptop, put it on the sofa beside me and walked with wobbly legs to the windows. As I was walking, I realized how sore my neck was, and took off my ponytail.

The street was mostly empty. Nobody stayed at work till this time. Why was I there then?¸

When I remembered that I had failed to get his IP address, I fell on the platform beside the window, arms crosses. I stayed there for a long time, thinking about mom, dad, Daniel, my friends, Johhny. I thought about how I had lost many of them, and was losing others. How I hadn't been the same after being abandoned by mom at ten year-old, and how with Dad it felt that way. I thought about Daniel, and how we had always promised we'd stick by each other no matter what when we grow up.

I know things change. But I always wanted him to be there for me like how he was when mom and dad would get in ugly fights.

I also thought about Ambrose who was my first real friend at school. And tasnim who was my hopeless dreamer and adventurer.

I mourned all of them. Since friends can never be fight for you like family – or was it true- I mourned my family more. I mourned the relationships we had lost. Why was I internally so obsessed with the experiment? Was it truly because of my fans, or because of something even deeper? Something related to our past relationships?

I had always been a freak. It was because people abandoned me. Maybe if I stopped being an insensitive person, they'd realize I'm worth it, and choose me to be in their life?

I stayed in that position stuck in my head for about an hour. It's the cleaning lady that came in that made me check the time. I was surprised to see that it was so late. She must have seen me there before coming in because she brought with her a fluffy pink drink.

She handed it to me. "for you." She smiled a toothy grin. She must have been in her thirties.

I didn't even try to refuse it. "that's so sweet. Thank you so much, Emy."

"it will be okay." she said.

I met her eyes. She nodded, like she knew what I was wondering. Yes. It will be, dear.

I nodded.

When I finished it drinking, she was already out the door. I put the cup in the garbage, grabbed my laptop, my purse and my hoodie, and left. I made sure two times my office was locked.

My pace was steadier than how I'd thought it would be. I didn't look like I was about to break down, like what I'd expected. But a fluffy drink, and a few words of wisdom could do wonder.

She said it'd be okay. i have to believe that, I thought as I clicked on the Ground button in the elevator.

I started dialing Johnny's number.