"Pain may be inevitable but remember, suffering is a choice."

Edited and Reposted June 30, 2020.

I thought I could hold it in.

I thought I could tame down my desire to leave the dining table with my mother, aka the woman I hated the most in this world, again that time.

But I was wrong.

With each second spent by her side, my hatred for her grew. I already felt like I suffocated in my everyday life. Her surprise stopovers only made the loneliness I felt in my giant mansion worse.

Even now, I still felt the loneliness creeping in. I called the mansion "the fancy cage". Not only was everything made of unbreakable glass- walls, windows, and doors. But it was also a cell. My cell. I could not escape my past there. I would forever be the girl whose family abandoned her.

Cherry proceeded to cut the chicken in her plate into pieces, while I stared at my untouched veggie and chicken plate until my vision blurried. My mind was telling me 'don't look over, don't look over, don't look over.'

I looked over.

And regretted it immediately.

She smiled at me, like she had to right to. Or even the right to talk to me. Smiling was reserved to good people only. Not the inherently evil. Hotness spread in my cheeks.

"Birdie, talk to me. Why are you so silent? " she said, stretching.

I wanted to laugh sarcastically. I also wanted to puke my insides out. Instead, the corners of my mouth curved up in disgust. What I wanted to say was 'Go to hell, Cherry'. Instead, I kept my mouth shut. I still believed at the time that I could keep the bubbling volcano inside of me mild if I didn't open my mouth.

But I was tumultuous. I could not be tamed. It only proceeded to make me implode.

I took a mouthful of fried chicken, hoping to swallow my hateful words. Or at least my anger. From the corner of my eyes, I noticed that Cherry was still smiling, and bopping her head as she looked at the surroundings. 

Nothing had changed here. Everything was the same ugly black and grey tones she had chosen with Father years ago.

I could tell she was enjoying being around me even for that short amount of time. She knew I would be leaving soon because I couldn't stand her presence. SHe thought I would finish the dinner first. To be honest, I thought so, too. Both of us were wrong. 

There will come a time when you'll have been strong, and mature for so long, you won't be able to hold all of your anger, and hatred in anymore. That day was my verge point. I was a little too proud it had happened.

"Why are you smiling, birdie?"

I curled my upper lip. My foot started taping the immaculate grey floor as I took faster mouthfuls. I had to leave as soon as possible

I looked at her without meaning to, and hated what I saw in her eyes. Were they clouded with a hint of desp- Despair? No. It couldn't be that. She was acting like she cared again.

Her voice came out as a whisper.

"Birdie. Talk to m- "

"Shut up, woman." I bit my tongue.

"But I wan-"

"Shut up." I glared at her. I hoped it was enough for her to keep her lies to herself.

It wasn't.

"I love you-"

Before she could finish her words, my plate met the ground in a crash that resonated in the whole seven story house. I was up on my feet, looking at mess I had done.

Was I a monster?

I looked at my only exit to the hallway, wanting to get away from her and the monster I was around her. But she was blocking it.

"get away."

I think I was also telling her to get away from me. I had severe anger issues. When I was angry, I couldn't control myself.

"Just list-"

I shook my head, the second plate following the first without any control over myself. Then a third. By five seconds, four plates were on the ground plus my two glasses. I was panting as if I had just ran a marathon, my icy blue eyes on her. They were some of my standing face traits. They also made me look cold sometimes.

I didn't want to hear it. Or anything else. I just wanted to leave the person that should have always stayed in my past and never came back, in the past. And the mess I made.

The dining room was huge, and dimly lit because of the setting sun. the lights would turn on soon automatically. She recoiled when I took a step toward her. Was I really that scary? Was she scared of her own daughter? What a horrible person I was.

I liked the fact that she was scared of me. But a part of me felt bad. I touched my twitching eyebrow, brushing the though off.

I was not going to feel bad for a monster.

"move."

This time she did. I walked fast, feet stomping. In the hallway beside our living room, my eyes caught our two bird paintings, one beside the other that had been hung there for a decade. According to Mother, they represented my successful self and brother Daniel, with a crown. Weren't we then supposed to be in the same frame, together because we are family? Why were we looking different ways, like we were too proud to acknowledge each other?

I wanted to break the frames. I left it there for years, thinking maybe Daniel would like to see it when he comes back. But it was an excuse. I felt somehow attached to it. But that day, it only reminded me of what I couldn't have; acceptance and loyalty from my blood family.

When I put my hand on the metal panel to open the door, I noticed dry cracked blood on it. When had I injured myself? I asked myself, looking at my white henley tee, and shoes, all stained.

How bad were the cuts?

I opened the cabinet by the front door, and snatched the alcohol. Applying itwith a clumsy hand, I put it back in without looking, and grabbed bandages. They were still loose hanging ends when I decided I was done.

I took a jacket, and zipped it all the way up. I had no time to go change. My semidetached house was 120 meters from where I was.

I put my bandaged hand on the metal panel to unlock the door.

When I heard Cherry coughing right behind me, I knew she was going to speak again. But I didn't want to hear it. I did not want to hear it.

Some part of me knew it was going to be something that would stick with me for a very long time. Which is why I grabbed the first thing I saw in the closet, -a bottle of alcohol-, and threw it at something I knew she loved but I hated because it kept me caged: the frames.

Two things happened.

One, the frames, although hit, did not crack, or even get a tiny scratch. Maybe some people are not meant to feel each other's love. Ever. Even if they are siblings. Maybe that was okay, too. I don't know.

Second, the sound didn't block her voice.

Not at all.

"Don't cut people just because you're bleeding, birdie. Go find your home. Do not stay lost. Home is where-" she looked at me pointedly. 

She was waiting for me to finish her favorite sentence. I shook my head, and unlocked the door. 

I didn't wait for her to finish.

But I still saw what happened. A tear left her eye, as she pointed a red nail-polished finger to her heart. She finished it herself. "Home is where the heart is."

I had a friend to meet. I knew Tess would be outside, because I hadn't answered her thousands of phone calls during this last hour. I opened the door, and left, without looking back.

even then, I could not forget her big hopeful hazel eyes, and the expectancy that was in them even long after I left.

The past was supposed to be left in the past. In theory. But it can't be buried. It always claws its way out.

This is my story with it.

****

Ok. done. What do you think? 

aaah, the amount of times I rewrote this chapter is insane. Hopefully this one's the right one. 

So who do you think is the person she'll meet next? And what role will she play? I'd love to hear your theories, and start a conversation in the comments.

Chapter 2 will be uploaded right after this one.

By the way what did you think of the cliffhanger?

Additional question : I've always wondered if it's okay to ever treat your parents like that, no matter what they did. What's your opinion?

I live in a traditional family where treating your parents like that would be the biggest of offenses. So what do you guys think? Fair or not fair?

Anyways, if you enjoyed, please don't forget to vote, and add to your reading lists. Or share. 

I love you guys. Corona's still out, so make sure you're not taking any unnecessary risks. 

With love, always, and passion.

-Sel