Percy cleared his throat, looking at his first class. He was extremely proud, grinning widely…despite the fact his first swimming class consisted of all 12 Olympians. He would also like to say that he ignored their various states of dress (or undress, really…).

After all, he was not going to go over the fact that Aphrodite was wearing a very, very small red polka dotted bikini that barely covered anything, that Apollo was wearing a bright gold speedo that was really too tight, or that Ares had just come in nude. He was wondering if this was such a good idea after all…

“Oh, Percy!” Aphrodite cooed. “I need help. I don’t understand what to do.”

Athena snorted. “Ditz, we haven’t even started yet. Don’t be so obvious.”

Aphrodite sneered at her, and Athena narrowed her eyes back.

“Oh yeah! Cat fight!” Apollo called out, adding in a wolf whistle.

Both goddesses focused their glares on him and he just grinned back.

“Percy! I fell into the water! I don’t know how to swim! Help!” Artemis was in the pool already, flailing around.

She ignored the disbelieving stares of the others and thrashed around even more, dunking her head a couple times to be more alarming to Percy, who was quickly rushing over and had dived in and reached for her. She cackled in her head.

Percy should’ve known better though. They were all gods and goddesses.

“Bah, that little brat. Let’s see her keep using that ruse over and over,” Ares growled, cracking his knuckles.

Hades coolly watched everything, and observed the others. Then he smirked and sat down on the edge of the pool, dipping his legs into the water just as Percy managed to bring Artemis back to poolside and had finished checking on her.

“It’s very heavenly. I just feel so close to the water now, like I can understand it. My immortal soul feels so calm. Thank you so much for this, Perseus,” he said sentimentally, softening his voice and his gaze purposely.

Percy beamed happily at him, giving just the response he’d wanted, and he inwardly smirked and preened at his success. When Percy looked away, he outwardly smirked at the glowering others.

He absolutely missed the water coming up from the pool and dragging him in violently, coming back up and sputtering water.

Poseidon was the one smirking this time, eyes glinting dangerously. He looked around and eyed the others warily, all of whom were determinedly not looking at him. Hades, in the meantime, had grumpily got back up and stood still in irritation, though he didn’t dare retaliate with Percy there.

Still pissed off and also remembering the current situation between the other gods and his son, Poseidon decided he would just lash out vehemently and indiscriminately. The water from the pool all of a sudden practically flew from it and formed tentacle-like forms, waving about from the surface of the pool like some monster.

“Hooooly shit –we’re, like, in some kind of Japanese horror anime, complete with tentacle monster to terrorize,” Hermes gaped.

Aphrodite screamed, “Oh Tartarus, don’t let this become a tentacle hentai!”

Athena recoiled and had a disgusted look on her face. “Ew. Ew, ew, ew. Why did you even have to mention that? Did you have to even say that, dammit?”

Artemis screamed as well, and fled from the room, probably traumatized by the images Aphrodite’s words had unwittingly brought up.

Percy? Well, he stared at his maniacally laughing father (who took advantage of everyone’s shock to start his attack), the water tentacles that were now starting to race towards the others, and the rest of whom were in full-blown panic and terror.

“Well…it’s not Godzilla,” Ares commented while in the grasp of one of the tentacles, before starting to try to wrestle it.

Aphrodite had just fainted, while Hera looked like she’d become a statue (staring unblinkingly at the spectacle like she’d been petrified by a basilisk or something –yes, yes, I know; don’t cross fandoms!). Zeus was hysterically firing lightning bolts at each tentacle that came his way, freaking out and trying to get them away from him…but in the process, was electrocuting everyone else who had been captured by a water tentacle.

Hermes had been caught early on, his usual speediness no match for when he was in total shock and therefore easy for an ambush. Therefore, he’d been dragged into the water, continuously kept swimming up, and rinse and repeat. ‘Course, once he was above surface, he was flailing and screaming and pleading for mercy, but hey –it’s the effort that counted.

“Uncle! Uncle!” Apollo yelled, and no one could tell whether he was calling out to Poseidon…or calling a surrender saying ‘Uncle’. Stupid play on words…

Hades had smoothly made his exit before any of the chaos had even started.

“You know, there’s another water tentacle I’d much rather hold onto,” Hestia said perversely, glancing at Percy with a wink as she danced around and dodged the tentacles trying to grab onto her.

Percy flinched. This was not how he’d wanted his first swimming lesson to go. Why couldn’t anything ever go right for him?

“Ha-Ha! Well now, we call this the act of mating

But there are several other very important differences

Between human beings and animals that you should know about.”

“I’d appreciate your input.”

“Sweat, baby, sweat, baby, sex is a Texas drought

Me and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about

So put your hands down my pants and I’ll bet you’ll feel nuts~”

Percy twitched and inwardly swore he would forever pray and make offerings to the Fates, if only they would stop trying to screw his life over all the time.

“Animals, all of them,” Luke said, shaking his head as he suddenly appeared beside Percy, making the younger male jump. “Typical, and expected.”

Percy eyed him warily. “Are you sure you didn’t put that on?”

Luke gave him an innocent grin. “Me? Of course not. The gods are always a bunch of horny idiots. Wanna catch some lunch? I’m hungry.”

Percy missed the crossed fingers behind Luke’s back.

“Do it again now

You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals

So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

Gettin’ horny now~”

Percy cringed. What was that now? He’d twitched, flinched, and now cringed. These immortals were bad for his health.

“You know what, yeah. That sounds good about now,” Percy said blandly. “I just give up…”

Luke casually slid an arm around Percy’s shoulders and led him out of there, quietly humming the song with a smug grin stretched across his face.

A little after they were gone, Triton came around there and stared, slack-jawed, at the scene. He’d only wanted to come around to see how Percy was doing with his first class, maybe stalk him a little…but this was not what he’d been expecting.

“Love, the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket

Like the lost catacombs of Egypt, only God knows where we stuck it

Hieroglyphics? Let me be Pacific, I wanna be down in your South Seas

But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean means “Small Craft Advisory”

So if I capsize on your thighs high tide, B-5 you sunk my battleship

Please turn me on I’m Mister Coffee with an automatic drip

So show me yours I’ll show you mine “Tool Time” you’ll Lovett just like Lyle

And then we’ll do it doggy style so we can both watch ‘X-Files’~”

He gasped dramatically and shook his head in exaggerated disappointment.

“Father! I thought of all people you would know better! Such…such...such perverted and corrupted things! I won’t let you taint Percy’s virtue! I’ll fight against even you!” Triton screeched in righteousness.

And then he turned on his heel and flaunted away, determined to find Percy and protect his innocence. He ignored the others he’d left behind, despite the continuing despair and terror they were in. Poseidon just stared after him, dumbfounded.

“What the Tartarus is wrong with my eldest?” he muttered, shaking his head.

What was wrong with him? He was definitely in deep with his brother complex, and he knew that no one was worthy of his darling brother. He had to find him and keep him safe, even if it meant locking him up in a random room where no one could find him. Or running away with him and getting off that damn ship…

After fifteen minutes of searching, wherein he started freaking out and being a drama queen, he finally found his brother in the dining area, where Percy was having a burger with Luke Castellan (of all people!) and chatting it up and looking like he was having a good time.

Weren’t they enemies?

“I thought they hated each other,” Triton muttered, peering around the corner he was hiding behind to watch –watch, not stalk –them.

In the process of trying to be stealthy, he really…wasn’t. Therefore, as he continued to hide around the corner and stare at them, he really wasn’t paying attention to the fact that he was kind of obvious. His death glare towards Luke sort of had a menacing aura that could actually be felt and made the blond Son of Hermes shiver and easily pinpoint the direction. Alternately, the loving gaze directed towards Percy left a rather sappy look on his face and the occasional corny visible hearts appearing around him.

“Kyah~ My brother is so adorable!” Triton tittered to himself, grinning uncontrollably. He shot a nasty glare towards Luke. “But that boy…Hn, moronic imbecile. He’s too good for you, for anyone really.”

The two kept peeking over to Triton’s corner subtly, easily seeing the water god watching them intensely. Percy kept twitching and Luke gulped nervously. The dark aura around Triton darkened even more.

Suddenly, Percy’s cell rang and he raised his eyebrows slightly at it.

“Huh, it’s Clarisse. I’m going to have to take this,” Percy looked up from checking his Caller ID, informing Luke.

“Don’t leave me!” Luke said in a panic, voice squeaking. He coughed and put on a smirk. “I mean, sure. Go ahead. I’ll be fine here. It’s not like you have to check with me or anything. I’m not your boyfriend or something.”

Percy nodded and left, and Luke sighed.

“Yet,” the blond muttered.

The intense glare he’d been feeling since Triton’s arrival increased in intensity, and he tensed and slowly turned to look at the god. Triton was glaring really menacingly at him, and…was that a mini-Trident? Evidently, it was.

The mini-Trident that previously had been used like a machine gun was now being held as if it was a sniper rifle, and he was scarily aiming it at Luke’s head. At his head. At his head…

Oh gods, he was going to be assassinated.

Assassinated.

Luke got up in a panic and turned rapidly, trying to run away while he could. However, Triton merely held up his mini-Trident at eye level, aimed, and then fired. A blast of water hit Luke straight at his head, and the demigod went down hard. Triton was the one left smirking and snickering. Ignoring the wide eyes and gaping mouths of his audience, he reveled in the silent shock and fearful looks as he went over to Luke and grabbed his ankles, dragging the unconscious blond demigod through the area and stashing him somewhere. And then he took Luke’s place at the table and waited patiently for Percy to come back, the noise level and everyone trying to go back to normal and ignore the obviously crazy god.

To this, Percy was greeted with, especially a grinning immortal brother of his.

“Hello, Percy. I thought we could finish lunch together. I think Castellan had an emergency he had to leave for,” he fibbed with a straight face.

“Ah well, okay. Sounds good. We should spend time together and try to get along, especially since it’ll make Father happy,” Percy agreed, smiling at his brother.

Triton scoffed. “Forget Father. No good perv…” he muttered that last part under his breath. “Besides, he’s not good enough for you anyway. No one’s good enough to be your father, brother –except me –lover, sister, etc. Except your mother. She’s brilliant. May I share her? My mother is defunct as well.”

Percy’s smile turned hesitant and confused, wondering why was he always stuck with the crazy ones.

~*~*~

“Ah, Percy! I’m glad you could make it,” Hades said warmly, which was kind of weird in Percy’s opinion (but a nice Hades is better than an angry Hades).

Percy grinned and rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment.

“Well, I agreed, didn’t I? And you’re cooking. And you cook really well,” which Percy was surprised at.

“Case closed then,” Hades smirked, and let Percy into his room. The table was set for two and Hades led him to it, seating him and making sure he was comfortable.

“What’s for dinner?” Percy asked curiously, trying to keep feeling normal and unbothered, though thoughts that this was actually a date kept uncomfortably filtering into his head frequently.

“Baked salmon cooked with white wine, a side of stuffed seafood mushrooms, and chocolate truffle cheesecake for dessert,” Hades smoothly replied, hiding his triumphant grin at Percy’s dazed look.

Percy really hoped he wasn’t salivating, but just hearing the meal course was enough for him to be in bliss (and to say to hell with caring about it being a date).

Eating it was even better.

They were actually halfway through their meal, with Percy surprised to be having a good time, when there was a strong knock on the door…followed by another more impatient one, and then another that was to the tune of the original Bond theme.

Percy and Hades blinked at that.

With a feeling of huge dread in his stomach, Hades excused himself and gave a reassuring smile to his date, before he went over and answered the door.

Triton and Poseidon stood side by side in the entrance, innocent smiles turning into mocking ones that matched the dangerous glints in their eyes.

“Aren’t you going to invite us in, Uncle –” Triton started.

“ –Hades?” Poseidon grinned knowingly.

Hades tried not to grit his teeth.

“After all, it’s standard –” Triton once again spoke first.

“To meet the date’s family,” Poseidon’s grin turned treacherous.

Hades flinched.