#TPTG01

When I was in 8th grade, I had my first debate.

"Ano ang isa sa mga dahilan kung bakit hindi umuunlad ang bansa?"

That was the fisrt question that the panel asked us.

I held my mic properly and faced the audience. "One of the reason our government. Why? Countless reasons, and one is that they are corrupt. They are anti-poor. Binubulsa lang nila ang pera ng sambayanan imbis na gamitin ito sa para palaguin ang ekonomiya. The people who are in authority are the one's who are unjust, hypocrites, and greedy. They are abusing their powers and-"

"But why do you have to blame it all on the government?"

I was interrupted by my competitor. He's also in 8th grade but he's in a different section.

"I think the main reason is us Filipinos. Kulang tayo sa disiplina. Puro tayo reklamo akala mo may naiambang. May mga nagproptotesta pa nga na ipinagbabawal ng gobyerno pero patuloy pa rin nilang ginagawa. Para saan? May nangyayari ba kung mag reklamo tayo? Imbis na magreklamo ay matuto rin tayong sumunod," he said on the microphone

I smirked and raised my brow at him. "Ano ang naimbag? Hmm...Aren't we Filipinos paying tax for the government? Sarili nating pera ang nagpapatakbo sa gobyerno pero ginagamit lang nila yun sa mga walang kwentang bagay imbis na tumulong sa mga nangangailangan. We have the right to speak up especially if they are not even doing their jobs properly. They should be held accountable. Are we just going to turn a blind eye and be a slave in our own country?"

"They are doing their jobs. We are just failing to see it because we always like to complain all the time. Marami rin silang ibang ginagawa. They know what they are doing. What we should practice is to learn respect and be submissive to the authority," he argued in a much deeper tone

"Respect? Not everyone deserves respect. Are you even aware of the police brutality in our country?"

His mouth gaped open. He suddenly glanced at the panel and the audience. Bigla siyang nanigas sa kinatatayuan.

"Police are the p-public servants of the country," he said nervously

I scoffed. "Meron bang public servants na pumapatay ng inosenteng tao?"

The question caught him off guard but he still managed to answer.

"Hindi lahat ng pulis-"

"So you are aware."

His eyes widened in shock and his lips turned pale too. He looks like a statue now. His eyes are still fixed on me but I can tell he's already panicking on the inside. Mas lalo kong nahalata ang nerbyos niya.

I remained calm while looking at him. "Why do you think they can easily kill innocent people?"

He didn't respond. Umiwas lamang siya ng tingin.

"Because the people in power allowed them to do so. They make it seem that killing is normal They are violent and brutal. Hindi nila trabahong pumatay basta basta. Instead of using their guns to protect innocent people, they kill them...mercilessly," I said. "Ironic, isn't it? Now tell me, sino ang mas kailangan ng disiplina?"

He sighed and shook his head in defeat.

It's scary to live in this country with this kind of government system. People are not safe anymore. Killings are everywhere. Maraming inosenteng tao ang namamatay at nakukulong samantalang ang mga may sala at may pera ay sila pa ang malaya. The criminal justice system is unfair.

I faced the audience again. "We shouldn't turn a blind eye. Just because they are above us doesn't mean we have no right to speak up. To voice out our concerns. Huwag natin sanang isipin na nagrereklamo lang tayo kundi ginagawa natin iyon para sa kaalaman at kaligtasan ng kalahatan. I encourage you to do the same. May kasabihan nga na kabataan ang pag-asa ng bayan."

Pero kami ang hindi pinaparinggan.

***

After the debate, I got tons of praises from my classmates even from the higher year.

They would often ask me, "Why do you know so much about politics and the government?"

In my head I'd say, I'm literally living with a bunch of politicians so I know some of their dirty work. And my father is a governor. That explains it.

But normally I would just answer them with...

"Because I think people should be aware of it especially the younger generation like me. Mas maganda na mas maaga akong namulat sa realidad."

9th grade, I became the President of the student council. Some were surprised because I was only on my third year yet I already won the highest position. But what shocked them the most is that it's the first time that a female won as President in our school.

Why? Can't a woman become one? Lagi nalang ba lalaki ang Presidente at babae naman ang Vice President? We are capable too.

Some called me 'too mature for my age'. They would also tell me that I was above my seniors in terms of academic skills. That I was gifted and that I possess a natural ability to be better than all others. I thought that was too much.

I was qualified for acceleration. I can skip grade 9 and move to grade 10. I didn't want that to happen. I'm not gifted. There's still some areas that I'm lacking. And I want to improve on that.

Not only people around me are amazed by my brain, they also admired my beauty. I joined numerous pageants in school. I won most of them. It's not something that I want to do by heart, but rather, I was just forced to do so for the school.

"And the winner is...candidate number seven. Miss Felicity Maeve Guevarra! Congratulations!"

I stepped forward on stage to receive the award. A woman put a sash over my body and placed the crown on top of my head. She also gave me a bouquet of flowers. I smiled and waved at the audience who's cheering for me. I saw the proud smiles of my classmates when I get to represent our section.

Mula no'n ay lagi nila akong sinasabak sa mga competition, whether it be academically or pageants. I got exposed to the outside world. In just a short amount of time, my fame grew tremendously, not only in school, but outside of it. My school felt proud of me. They called me the school's 'pride'. They treat me as if I'm their most prized possession, which is absurd.

It became harder for me to be myself because of the attention. I'd lie if I say that I'm not pressured. The burden gets heavier and heavier. Eversince I was young, I was always pressured to meet their standards and expectations. My parents, my family, my school, my classmates, everyone.

The same year in 8th grade, I also met my greatest rival, Keith Sanchez.

Eversince he transferred here, my life was never the same. It became more difficult, stressful, and challenging, but I like the thrill. I like the pressure. I see him as my competition, a challenge, and my worst enemy in one. I must not let my guard down. Now I have to double up my effort.

"I will always be better than you Keith," I told him when I won first place in a competition

"I heard your the most popular, richest, and smartest student here in school," he said, unaffected by my statement

I raised my chin. "That's right. And I won't let you take away my spot."

He smiled and put his hands inside his pockets. "Well, goodluck with that. I'll let you enjoy your sweet victory for the moment before I take over you."

I frowned and glared at him. "There's no way in hell I'll let that happen."

He chuckled. "You really feel so threatened by me? Why is that?"

I squinted my eyes at him. "I am not! I'm not scared of you. Who do you think you are? My father?!"

"Never thought you'd be so competitive. Alright, I'll play along," he casually said that made me more annoyed at him

I crossed my arms over my chest. "This isn't some stupid game. Well, if that's the case then I'm winning!" I declared

"I'm just going easy on you. Don't underestimate me Fey."

I raised my brow. "Don't underestimate me too. You haven't seen the best of me yet."

"I'd love to see it."

"You really think this is a joke? I'm dead serious."

His brows furrowed, but there's a ghost of smile on his lips. "I always take you seriously Fey."

I don't know why but I feel like he's just making fun of me. He didn't even look serious. He must think that I sound ridiculous. Mas lalo tuloy akong nainis sa kanya.

Bigla siyang lumapit sa'kin. He extended his hand, offering me a handshake.

I swallowed hard. I looked at him and he's just staring at me. Sa huli ay tinanggap ko ang kamay niya. Our eyes remained lock to each other. He suddenly leaned forward and whispered something in my ear.

"I hope you play fair Fey."

I smirked. Bring it on Keith.

And that's when our rivalry begins.

"She's a Guevarra, a well-known family of powerful, smartest, richest and influential people. She's the only daughter, the youngest of them all. Of course she has all of those qualities. She must live up their family's name and their legacy," I heard my teacher said while talking with the other teachers

"We're so lucky to have her as our student. She's incredible. She's truly gifted. Pinanganak talaga siyang matalino."

"Isa pa ay nakakabenefit ang pangalan ng pamilya niya sa'tin. Our school became well-known now."

Growing up, I've always kept in mind my family's reputation. I was raised differently. I feel like I was trained to be the best. To make everyone bow before me. To not disappoint my family. That I should maintain a clean reputation. Na hindi ko dapat dumihan ang pangalan ko, ang apelyedo ko. In short, to be perfect.

Finally, senior year came and that's when everything hit me. Looking back, I had a lot of realizations.

I knew I was being used. I just went with the flow.

Come to think about it, all of my achievements, all the praises, compliments, recognitions from the past years. Are they all for me?

Do they genuinely admire the real me?

They only care about my social status, my wealth, and my looks; that I have what we call 'pretty privilege.'

If it wasn't for it, would they still treat me the same? I doubt.

"Fey! Congrats on your back to back win on the Student Council! How does it feel to be President two times in a row?" she smiled widely

I looked at my classmate Chanel. "Nothing. I feel nothing."

Her smile disappeared when she noticed how unenthusiastic my reply is. "Oh, okay. Anyway, congrats ulit!" she chuckled awkwardly and left me

I diverted my attention back to the book I'm reading. I want to study law so I grabbed a book here in the library about law.

"How ungrateful."

I heard someone said beside me. I glanced at the student who's also reading a book. I ignored her and turned the page of the book.

"Ang yabang purket nanalo ulit. Pwede naman siyang mag-thank you o kaya simpleng ngumiti."

Am I suppose to smile all the time?

I immediately stopped reading and slowly turned my head to her. She's acting all busy while reading the book pero alam kong ako ang pinapatamaan niya. She kept on glancing at me too when she noticed that I'm staring at her.

"I'm sorry but did I offend you or something?" I calmly asked

"Ha?" patay malisya niyang sabi pero may pilyo na ngiti sa kanyang labi.

Her eyes landed on the book that I was reading. Pagkatapos ay tumingin ulit siya sa'kin.

"Can you be humble for once? What? Just because you're always on top and excelling doesn't mean-"

"You don't know me Christina," I cut her off immediately

She smirked mockingly. "I don't care if you're the daughter of the governor. I don't care if you're a Guevarra. Stop being too entitled and being superior. Your family is so matapobre."

"You only know me by my surname which means you only know half of me so who are you to judge?" I fired back

Hindi ko inalis ang tingin sa kanya. I remained calm while she's looking at me sharply. Nalukot ang papel sa libro dahil mahigpit ang pagkakahawak niya roon.

People are so quick to judge my life. They think that they already know everything about me well in fact, they only know the surface. I'm not like the rest of my family who they call 'matapobre.' If that's what they think, then so be it.

I stood up and fixed my things before the librarian scold us. I decided to leave to prevent her for making a scene. Ayokong ng gulo at maslalong ayokong madamay. Dirediretso akong lumabas ng library bitbit ang libro ko.

There are two sides in fame.

"Hi Ate Fey! Congratulations!"

"Goodmorning Fey! Ganda mo today."

"Hi future attorney!"

"How to be you?"

"Can I be your friend?"

"Fey! Crush ka daw ng tropa ko. Hinihingi number mo."

I smiled and greeted everyone who walks pass me.

There are some who are friendly and approach me like a normal person would do. They would support me and shower me with compliments that can be sometimes, too overwhelming but I'm grateful for it. I appreciate it. Not to sound narcissistic but I'm used to the spotlight. Walang araw na hindi nila ako pinuri.

But in life, you can't please everyone.

"Keith should have won for President. I mean should she give chance for others? Puro nalang pangalan niya ang naririnig ko. Nakakarindi na sobra."

"True. Actually, hindi ko talaga siya gusto umpisa palang. Iba yung aura niya eh. She's really intimidating. Ang sungit niya rin. Alam niya sa sarili niya na sikat siya at kilalang kilala siya kaya hindi siya namamansin ng tao."

"Feeling famous."

"Eh famous naman talaga. I mean, it's all because of his father. She wouldn't even earn half of her achievements if it wasn't for him. Her success, it's all thanks to his father, the governor."

"Yeah right. Her father must have pulled some strings. Kilalang kilala ang pamilya niya kaya nakukuha nila lahat ng gusto nila gamit ang pera. She's the only daughter afterall, she must be spoiled."

"Sampalin ko sila ng pera nila e."

My grip tightened on the book that I'm holding while staring at those girls. Their eyes widened when our eyes met. Nanigas sila sa kinatatayuan na para bang binuhusan ng malamig na tubig. Umiwas sila ng tingin at mabilis na naglakad palayo.

I've heard tons of rumors about me. Some people would talk shit behind my back because of my 'attitude.' I don't think I have a good first impression to everyone. Their first impression of me is always intimidating, cold, emotionless, hard to please, perfectionist, and so on. I always have that resting bitch face...I guess that explains why. People shouldn't judge others based on their looks. They all got something to say and I'm used to it.

Sumandal muna ako sa mga lockers para kumalma. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply to cleanse my thoughts.

"Congrats Fey. Second time around huh?"

Narinig ko ang pagbukas ng isa sa mga locker kaya napadilat ako. I looked at Keith who's standing beside me, getting books from his locker.

Pinagmasdan ko ang mukha niya. He always has that calm, soft, and gentle expression on his face.

"If you're just gonna insult me then might as well shut up," I said coldly

He chuckled. "Why would I do that? I just congratulated you. A simple 'thank you' would suffice."

"I shouldn't have won," I muttered

"Yeah right."

"Hindi ka ba nagsasawa na lagi tayong pinagkukumpara?" I asked

I caught him off guard because he wasn't able to respond right away. I just heard he slammed the locker shut. I startled and looked at him again.

His brow shot up. "What kind of question is that?"

Behind his soft features, his eyes were always intense.

"Because when I won, it's all thanks to my dad but if you have won then...you...it's all because of you." My voice got weaker as if it's a sign of defeat.

I felt bitter. I won but I don't feel like I did.

Umiwas nalang ako ng tingin.

"You won because of popularity. It's quite unfair but that's just how it is," he nonchalantly said

I clenched my fist. "You think I didn't deserve it?"

"No. You deserve it more than me. You're always better than me. I'm always the second best."

Unti-unti akong tumingin sa kanya. Our eyes were locked to each other.

Umiwas siya ng tingin at malungkot na ngumiti. "After all these years, I'm still living under your shadow."

My lips parted. "Keith-"

Napailing nalang siya at tinalikuran na ako. Pinanood ko siya habang naglalakad palayo hanggang sa naglaho na siya sa paningin ko.

***

Nang mag-uwian ay lumabas na ako ng campus. I saw a black car parked in front of the campus. Matuwid na nakatayo ang driver ko na si Manong Richard habang naghihintay. Mabilis akong naglakad palapit sa kotse. I ignored everyone's stares at me.

He opened the car door for me and I quickly went inside. Nakahinga ako ng maluwag pagkapasok sa loob.

"Goodafternoon Ma'am," he greeted

"Goodafternoon po," tipid kong sagot

I took out the book that I borrowed from the library and decided to continue reading it while on our way home.

"Mag-aabogado kayo Ma'am?"

"Po?" inangat ko ang paningin ko kay Manong. "Opo."

He smiled. "Ang aga niyo namang mag-aral."

I chuckled softly. "I have to."

Or else my father would scold me if I didn't.

"Dapat ineenjoy niyo din yung buhay niyo bilang estudyante kasi pansin ko po lagi kayong nag-aaral. Lagi kayong may bitbit na bagong libro," he added

"I'm fond of books, that's why," I simply smiled

I couldn't live like most highschool students. It's hard for me to make friends. After class, I went straight to the mansion and study. The cycle repeats. It's like I have no control over my life whatsoever.

Maya-maya ay naririnig ko nalang si Manong na umuubo. I stopped reading and looked at him.

"Manong, ayos lang po ba kayo?" I asked worriedly

He quickly nodded in response. "Opo, ayos lang-" he coughed again and again. He covered his mouth as he continue to drive

"Are you sure?" sinubukan kong lumapit sa kanya pero agad siyang umiwas

"Baka po mahawa ko kayo Ma'am," sabi niya

Hindi ko sinasadya na mag tama ang balat namin at ramdam ko na ang init ng katawan niya.

"Manong ang init niyo po. May sakit po ba kayo?"

"Ayos lang ako Ma'am Fey," he replied and forced a smile

Sumandal ulit ako sa upuan habang hindi inaalis ang paningin sa kanya.

Hindi ko mapigilang hindi maawa sa kanya. He's too old for this job. He's been our driver eversince. Hindi ko alam baka may malubhang sakit na pala siya.

I tried to read my book again but I couldn't focus anymore. I looked outside of the window while thinking deeply. I then took my phone out from my pocket and checked the date.

Friday. July 30.

Agad akong tumingin kay Manong.

"Hindi po ba day off niyo ngayon?" I asked

Tumikhim siya at hindi ako sinagot.

"Di ba tuwing katapusan po day off niyo?" ulit ko

"Po? Bukas pa po day off ko Ma'am," he stammered. Hindi siya ngayon makatingin sa'kin.

I shook my head. "Hindi. Alam kong day off niyo po ngayon."

I know because I keep track of my driver's day off.

"Hindi. B-bukas pa po talaga," he repeated but I knew he's lying

"Pero sana nagpaalam din po kayo kay papa na h'wag muna kayong pumasok dahil masama ang pakiramdam niyo. You should be resting right now. My father let you overworked again. I'm not even surprised," I sighed

As soon as we arrived at the mansion, I immediately looked for my father.

"Where's Dad?" I asked one of our maids

"Ay naku Ma'am Fey. Umalis po siya. May importanteng meeting daw po. Dito naman daw po siya magdidinner."

I licked my lips and nodded. "Ahh sige po."

"Maghahanda na po ako ng hapunan," paalam niya at dumiretso na sa kusina

I sighed heavily and went upstairs. Nakasalubong ko si mama. Binati niya ako.

"Kakauwi mo lang?"

Isang tango lamang ang binigay ko sa kanya bago dirediretsong umakyat.

****

"Fey. Can I see your report card? Lumabas na ba?" my father asked

As expected. He would always ask for my grades.

He never asked how my day went.

I took my grades that's on my lap and gave it to him. I continued to eat after, uninterested of what he's about to say.

I glanced at him. He wore his glasses and opened the card. Kumunot ang noo niya pagkabasa.

It only took him a few seconds to check it before he closed the card and removed his glasses. He didn't say anything after that. Tahimik lang siya habang pinagpatuloy ang pagkain.

"Kamusta? Mataas ba?" ngiting tanong ni mama

Dad didn't respond so my mom took the card instead to check it herself.

Nanlaki ang mata niya at tumingin sa'kin. "Wow! Your grades went higher than the previous quarter. It's all line of nine. Congrats anak," she smiled proudly

I only gave her a small smile before shifting my gaze to my father who's still silent.

"Bumaba siya sa Filipino," he said. "She also has one line of eight."

I put my utensils down and sighed.

I'll never be good enough for him.

"Ha? Pero mataas padin naman ah. Line of nine pa rin," my mom said and showed him the card again

"She could have maintained it. Am I right Fey?" his mocking tone made me annoyed

I clenched my fist under the table and nodded. I couldn't look at him in the eye.

"You're graduating this year and you aim to be the Valedictorian, right?"

I gulped and nodded again.

"She could have done better but we'll see."

I'm not even surprised of their reaction anymore. It's so hard to please them. I always have to meet their high expectations. They always want me to be the best among the rest, to be number one all the time. If not then they'll get disappointed at me.

I guess my best will never be enough for them.

I can feel my mom's eyes on me. Nagtama ang mata namin. Kita ko ang pag-aalala ng mukha niya. She was about to speak but chose to keep her mouth shut like she always do.

They couldn't to eat silently. As for me, I just stared down at my plate since I lost my appetite.

"Lumalamig ang pagkain Fey," my father said in a low voice

"Dad," I began. "Di ba day off ni Manong Richard ngayon? Why did you let him work?"

I flinched when I heard how he dropped his untensils on his plate.

"Para masundo ka."

"He's sick Dad," I firmly said and looked at him.

His expression remained stern. He looks tired too.

He sighed. "Not now Fey."

"But you shouldn't have-"

"Trabaho niya iyon at ako ang masusunod. Pasalamat ka pa nga na sinundo ka niya. Anong gusto mo? Maglakad ka pauwi?" his voice raised

Nanatili ang mata namin sa isa't isa. Halatang nagtitimpi siya sa galit. Pabalik-balik ang tingin ni mama sa'min, hindi alam kung aawatin ba kami.

"We have a lot of driver's dad so why did you have to-"

"Enough Fey. Stop making this a big deal. Walang patutunguhan itong usapan natin at maslalong hindi ikaw ang masusunod," matigas niyang sabi atsaka tumayo

I startled when his chair made a sharp noise. I looked down on my plate while holding back my tears.

I'm aware that mom is looking at me right now with disappoinment. In the end, I heard her stood up from her chair and followed dad.

I was left alone...blaming myself for what happened.