to kang taehyun, the one who i don't blame for what happened...
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Taehyun, I miss you. I really do. Sometimes, it's a growing ache that refuses to be alleviated no matter what I do; sometimes, it's a sharp, piercing pain—a stab of want, a stab of desire to see you again, to hug you as I once did when you were fifteen. It's a cherished memory, you know. I've said this truth many times, but I'm a coward.

Despite the way you just walked out of my life, I don't hate you for it, because I understand you. We both walk away—no, run away from things from that hurt us, scare us, right?

I think this letter is going to be short, yet it's the only letter I've ever wanted to write so much in my life. Know that despite the limited contents of this letter, it still carries more emotional weight than I can describe.

Going back to when we first met, it's a memory that's faded around the edges but still remains clear. It was the local library when I was a few days short of being sixteen, and you were only thirteen, and I had gone to get some reading done for a school project. I think it was something about atoms.

Do you remember the library? It was quite cozy, air-conditioned with bright lighting that was just dim enough that it didn't hurt our eyes, shelves stacked along the walls with spaces in the corners, armchairs tucked into those corners, tables along one wall and beneath a window, my favorite spot. There were armchairs along the windows, too, and if I wasn't studying, I would sit there to read. It was at the top floor of the mall.

What happened was the usual cliché, except there was nothing romantic about it. All that happened was that as I passed by with my hands full of books, you backed away from a shelf at the same time I crossed behind you. We crashed, and my books went flying, your book skittered across the floor.

You apologized profusely, and I was babbling apologies just as much. We both unharmed and uninjured, so we went our separate ways across the library and sat quietly doing our own thing. I looked over once to see that you were absorbed in your book.

I just shrugged and went back to taking notes.

The library has always been my safe spot when things get too bad at home, so I often went there. You were always there, sitting at the corner armchair, curled up with a different book every week. You never stayed longer than two hours, either.

Sometimes you sat at the corner table, scribbling in books while glancing at books. A few times you had your earphones in so you didn't hear me come in. But most days, you heard, you looked up, and you smiled at me. I never could prevent myself from smiling back—I mean, come on. Who doesn't smile at a cute kid?

I kept running into you for about a month before we got to the phase where we said 'hi' to each other every day. I would wave and smile with a small greeting, and you would smile shyly back at me and say your own hellos. Then we went back to doing our own thing, whether it be reading or studying.

Another month passed before I worked up the courage to slide into the seat next to you and say hi. You were fourteen then, and although I didn't know it, my breakup with the famous Yeonjun you heard about for a while was only months away.

We struck up a hesitant conversation that got warmer as we went along. I knew what the others my age would say—why are you hanging out with a kid? Really, Nari, a kid? You spend your time at the library with a kid?

I didn't care. You were a lot more mature than most kids my age, and you were easy to hang out with. Although after a while I persuaded you to call me by 'noona,' you never talked to me like I was an older girl. You talked to me as if I was genuinely your friend. That kept me coming back to the library every day I could, even with any and all drama going on in my life.

I never talked about breaking up Yeonjun other than saying it was a peaceful one, and I never spoke about being with Soobin either, so it's time to give you the truth you asked for.

Truth is, I was so heartbroken when Yeonjun broke up with me. I wasn't sure what I did, but I was so convinced it was my fault he didn't love me anymore. While I was still upset about it, I started dating Soobin because he accidentally confessed to me, but really, it was nothing but a rebound, using my own best friend. We broke up on mutual terms, so there's nothing to be concerned about.

You deserved to know that. You were one of my closest confidantes, and you knew so much about me until I stopped when my breakup happened. You could have advised me on what to do, like you always do. You could have tried to help, but of course I was too stubborn and too...I don't know, ashamed, I guess.

I was afraid that you wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. Because, truthfully, I had some kind of feelings for you back then, when I was with Soobin, but I was too loaded emotionally to do anything about it.

I want to thank you for something, Taehyun, and that is for guiding me toward the help I needed.

I remember that day very clearly. We were sitting together at the table under the window, studying quietly, but together. Of course you didn't understand some part of my own work, but you did help me with some simple math calculations, simply because I suck at math. God knows why you even like math.

I was feeling really sleepy, so I put my head down, stretched my numb fingers towards the warm sunlight, and fell asleep. I didn't realize my sleeve had pulled up, and you saw the marks on my skin. You didn't wake me then, but later, as we were packing up our things, you confronted me about it.

"Noona, your arm...those scars on your right arm...the bandage on your left arm..." you seemed scared but pushed on bravely. "Are those what I think they are?"

I stared at you for a long moment, realizing what had happened. I answered with a simple yes, and you took my hand. You urged me to talk about what was bothering me, and if I didn't want to tell you, or even if I told you, that I should see someone professional.

I told you that I would consider it for the sake of my sanity, and you dropped the subject. We never talked about it ever again, but I actually started seeing a therapist three months after I broke up with Soobin.

I was on the road to getting better by the time my nineteenth birthday rolled around, and I had also come to terms with the fact I held feelings for you. But by then, it was too late (but maybe it had always been too late). I was too old—literally. You were legally a minor, and I legally an adult. It wouldn't have been right, so I kept quiet.

I thought my feelings were going to stay buried and I would eventually get over it, but as creepy and wrong as it sounds, as the days passed and we grew closer, I found myself loving you more than I loved even Yeonjun. I was determined to keep it a firm secret. I mean, what if I creeped you out? I didn't want to lose someone else I loved so much.

Like I had lost Yeonjun. Like I lost Soobin. Like I threw away my friendship with Beomgyu over a simple fear.

But that wasn't to be, because you told me one day that you wanted to tell me something before you left. You were going on a trip with your family for the winter holidays, and you wanted to tell me something to let me think about it.

"I like you," you said with no hesitation, no fear, though I heard a tremor.

You were looking at me with an expression as if steeling yourself for rejection. And that's exactly what I did. "I know you won't return my feelings," you said, then you noticed the way I was trembling all over, my eyes filling with tears. My hand hovering just an inch over yours.

"Wait, do you?" you asked me.

I opened my mouth to answer, and all that came out was a series of stutters. Your expression clouded over instantly, and you stood up muttering, "I should have known better, I'm so stupid," and then you made a beeline for the door.

"Taehyun, wait!" I yelled after you. I beat you to the door and blocked your exit. "Don't you just run out on me! I'm just—it's just confusing, okay? You were supposed to be just my friend, not...not someone I ever..."

Somehow, I managed to hurt you even more without meaning to. "It's okay," you said, your voice flat and unemotional but I saw your eyes welling up with tears. I felt so, so horrible. I had been in your shoes before and I knew how you were feeling, but I could do nothing. "It's not your fault. I don't blame you."

And then you pushed past me and walked away. I stood there crying, hating that everything good in my life had to come to this. I wished I could find a way to fix what had just splintered apart, but it wasn't possible. Literally. I didn't know where you'd gone and I certainly didn't know where you lived.

The librarian tried to comfort me, but everything she said went completely over my head. In the end, I left, too. But I came back, I always did. Every few days, when I could, I would go to the library and sit there for hours, waiting for you to come back, hoping you would come back, wanting more than anything to fix our friendship.

To hell with romance, I always told myself. It's impossible anyway. I just wanted you back. My Taehyun, my smart, logical, adorable, easily emotional Taehyun. My supportive, kind, considerate, maybe-too-blunt-and-realistic Taehyun, the boy I had grown to love with everything I had in me, the one I refused to see in the midst of my emotional torture.

I wanted to tell you that I saw you now, but what could I do? Wait for you to come back on a useless hope, that's what. The librarian knew what I was doing there every day, and she never had the heart to kick me out of there.

I still go there every week when I can. I'm an assistant teacher now, at the middle school you attended. Honestly, I didn't mean to go there. I'm doing teaching in college and they sent me there to get some experience. It's tiring but fun. I love the kids already.

In between college (I earned that scholarship we talked about applying for!) and this temporary job, it's hard to find a lot of free time. But when I can, I still go to the library every day I can. I sit there for as long as I can, because even after almost three years, I still wish to have you back. I still wish to find you sitting there one day, reading as usual.

But that's an impossible dream, isn't it? I wonder if you go to my high school, Taehyun. You always said you wanted to go there, didn't you? Did you finally achieve that dream?

I hope I see you again, if only just once.

— kim nari, with so much love.

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WORD COUNT: 2028

A/N: who knows if things will work out between taehyun and nari...

fun fact, the library i'm describing here is an actual library i go to occasionally with my friend to study and with my brother to kill time on weekends, but with a few changes. it really is cozy and i absolutely adore the place.

i'll try to post a picture when my mom takes me there. i haven't gone for a while because of the covid-19 situation getting too bad for my mom to feel safe sending us there.