to choi soobin, the one who most deserves an apology from me...
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I'm sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry I ever, ever dared to do it. I'm so sorry I used you, Soobin. I'm so sorry that I used you to block out my own pain and never stopped for a second to think about how you would feel.

You were right, Soobin. We would always have been better off as best friends than lovers, even if it meant you would have had to be heartsick than know that I didn't truly love you even if all my actions said otherwise.

Do you remember how we started off as friends? Just a pair of scrawny teenagers inside a ninth-grade classroom. Our friendship started off with me feeling like I really wanted to slap you – you overheard me talking to Nayoung about how I literally couldn't help liking Choi Yeonjun, your close friend, and found it incredibly funny.

What did you do? Hang it over my head like any jerk teenager would, of course. I always knew you didn't really mean any harm, that you were too nice to actually tell Yeonjun how I felt about him. But I sure felt very annoyed whenever you would sidle up to me, just to tease me by saying, "hm...is today the day Choi Yeonjun finds out how much Kim Nari likes him?"

I would scowl at you, and you would laugh at me and then walk away. One day, though, you stayed and after a few minutes of silence, I asked you what you wanted. You admitted after a while that you were struggling with English, and wanted help.

I raised my eyebrows and asked why you didn't just ask Yeonjun, who had lived in California for two years, and was the star of our English classes. You told me that Yeonjun was really busy with the sports tournaments coming up, plus, in your own words, 'the idiot also decided homework is useless and fell hopelessly behind so he's been awake for three nights in a row, which is why he either shows up late or looks a little brain-dead when he comes in'.

I had to giggle, and said, "alright, bring me your book."

It turned out you sadly did not have a very good grasp of the English language. I helped you with that, though, teaching you the correct usage of tenses, grammar, punctuation, and so on. I even helped you with your pronunciation, and you got better at it so fast I was impressed.

I don't think I told you I learned English through kids TV shows and grammar books.

It's true – my teachers were the classic characters of all the shows we 2000s kids grew up with. At one point I decided I wanted to make my English better so I read through my older cousins' grammar books and one of them even gave me lessons. It's not easy to lose track of it with the number of Western media I consume every day.

Perhaps it was through these small ten-to-fifteen-minute periods where, even if we didn't have any English work, I helped you through the subject, that we became friends. Soon, we were talking quite a lot. Nayoung didn't mind including you in our conversations, and neither did I, so you ended up spending a lot of time with us.

I very vividly remember both of you ganging up on me to tease me about my crush on Yeonjun, and then to tease us both about our relationship. I don't even know when we elevated to the status of best friends—it just happened, crossing the unwritten codes of social relationships as far as I knew it.

Suddenly, we were both attached at the hip. We talked about anything and everything. Well, anything and everything Yeonjun and I didn't talk about once we started going out. Did I push you away, even a little bit, Soobin? When I started dating him, did our bond falter even a little bit? When we meet, tell me honestly. If it's true, then I'm really sorry, Soobin. I didn't mean to, and if I had realized it, I would have made more effort to spend time with you.

I'll admit, Yeonjun was jealous of how close you were to me, but I shut him down fast. We were just friends back then, and I didn't even have one thought about you outside of the normal friendship realm. He wasn't suspicious of us, just so you know. He believed me and trusted me.

And then, of course, came the breakup that broke me. You were there for me, and you know how torn up I was about it and how guilty Yeonjun felt. You saw that I was quieter than usual, refused to even look in his direction, and was just in general a smaller person than before. I don't know why I was affected to the point I wasn't even eating as much anymore.

My parents weren't as supportive, and Nayoung was in another class entirely - because I did not have a phone back then since my parents were the old-fashioned, strict type, I couldn't contact her as much—so you became my supportive system.

You, Choi Soobin, kept me company during my long stretches of silence. You lent me your notes in class when I spaced out. You helped me with homework when I missed the lesson during those times I spaced out. You urged me to eat, even a little more. You brought drinks you knew I liked and coaxed me into drinking them.

In retrospect, you probably seemed more like my boyfriend at that point.

But you did it because you cared, and I'm grateful for that. Where would I be, without you? I have so much to thank you for, and yet, so much to apologize for.

There was that one time I broke down in tears and finally opened up about the breakup. You listened quietly, letting me speak, even giving me a one-armed hug that felt so comforting. And then you slipped up when you spoke.

I told you that I must have done something to make him not love me anymore, and you shook your head. "No, that's not it," you said firmly. "Love can falter sometimes, and it's not your fault, nor his for falling out of love. Falling in love can be an exciting, exhilarating experience, and sometimes you have to learn to let go of something you know is hopeless, like I did with—"

You stopped short, and I pounced on it like a cat onto a mouse. "Like with who?" I asked curiously. You could have said no. You could have said anything else, just not me. When you said it was me...it's hard to describe the emotions that went through me.

First, triumph. It can't be better explained than the thought I had in that moment: ha, I'm still worthy of being loved. Someone loves me even if not Yeonjun.

Second, shock and surprise followed by a sense of realization. I didn't expect myself to ever be the one you cared about in that way, but at the same time, thinking of your behavior, thinking of the way you spoke to me, thinking of the way you had supported me so quietly and relentlessly...it made sense. It made complete sense.

To me, it felt like I had been out of reach of the truth for a long time, and when you said that, my fingers closed around that truth. Choi Soobin loves me, and I should have realized sooner.

What I said next is what I find most unforgivable. I told you that I loved you too, and I felt horrible saying it. I did and I do love you, Soobin, just not in any romantic sense. My rationale for tricking you into dating me? He loves me, so I'll learn to love him soon. I'll learn to love him as a man soon, so I just need to wait.

I was seventeen and young, I know. But at seventeen I knew what I was doing was wrong, that you were just a rebound to try to block out all the pain I felt from the breakup, and yet I still went ahead and I did it.

I'm a terrible person for doing it.

So, the obvious happened. We dated. You loved me with all your heart and I pretended the same. It was also very obvious that Yeonjun saw right through us, but he kept quiet.

We did normal couple things. Kissed, held hands, cuddles, but none of that felt right to me. None of that made me any happier. It only made me more miserable, knowing I was just leading you on, tricking you, playing with your heart and trampling on your feelings. But at that point, the point where I wanted it to end, I had no courage to do it.

I was scared of what would happen if I broke up with you. The memories of mine and Yeonjun's still seared fresh in my mind, and I didn't want to do the same to you. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you even more than I already was. But I knew that staying with you longer was also hurting you, because I also knew that you knew I didn't love you in that way. You knew all too well you were a rebound, and you didn't have the heart to end it with me.

And so, I sank deeper into my misery and self-hatred. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I dreaded seeing you at school, to see your face alight with happiness at the sight of me. To hear your joyful voice as you hugged me and said good morning. Your love was so simple, so pure, so obvious. The kind that makes people smile and coo at its cuteness, the kind that twisted my heart into a hundred different kinds of knots.

At the same time...I could see the pain on your face, too. All the times I seemed listless, going back to never speaking much, barely uttering a word unless spoken to, refusing to look you in the eyes, hesitating far too often when you kissed me. Those were the things that told you I did not love you in that way.

I saw your face fall, your eyes lower in defeat. I saw the press of your lips that meant you were holding back tears. I saw the stiffness of your body that meant you were hurt. I saw you swallow and pretend nothing happened. Carry on as if everything was okay.

I could see you were hurting, too, and that alone should have been enough reason to stop this madness. But I didn't, because I'm a coward. I was only prolonging both my pain and yours, and for that, I hated myself.

My scars only increased, and you didn't know that I was doing it again. Of course I'd told you about the first time, but considering the second time was because of how I was treating you, I didn't say anything nor did I intend to. I knew I shouldn't be doing it, but I honestly couldn't stand it anymore.

At one point, I wondered; if I just died, would it be easier on Soobin? At least then he wouldn't have to hear the dreaded words from my lips.

It was a stupid thought, of course, but that didn't stop me from having several breakdowns a week and raising that blade almost every other day. It didn't stop me from wishing I could end this never-ending misery and pain and hurt and guilt somehow.

And then, just a few days before your eighteenth birthday, you broke it off yourself.

I won't lie—I was hugely and enormously relieved that I didn't have to pretend anymore. You told me you knew this relationship was nothing but lies and pretense, and you said it so matter-of-factly, it was almost impossible to tell you were heartbroken over this, except for the fact your fists were clenched inside your pockets.

I agreed with you, and I apologized once. Once.

You said that you held nothing against me, and just like that, you walked out of my life. I mean, we still saw each other almost every day, at school, on the streets, at after-school activities, and so on. I think we both threw ourselves into all that extra work of clubs and volunteering and such to keep ourselves busy, to not think about what happened. I fell back into the habit of reading with an almost concerning pace, burning through two full-length novels in less than two days if I wasn't busy.

Slowly, I felt better, with help, of course. I started going to see a therapist, and of course I told her everything. I never opened up to anyone else about our relationship, simply because I was afraid of what people would think of me. I didn't want to hear the scolding, the reprimands, see the disappointed, maybe even disgusted looks. As far as my parents knew, one day, I was torn up about Yeonjun, the next, I was happily dating you, and then, we broke up a year later, and I remained single after that.

Sometimes I really wonder how their strict beliefs ever tolerated their daughter dating before she was sixteen. I guess they were too busy worrying about their own marriage to worry about my emotional attachments.

I still missed you immensely. I mean, we were best friends before it, and I missed that bond. I still do, but there was no fixing it back then, not so soon. I really am so sorry that I used you in that way. It did neither of us any good; it just hurt us both. I won't lie, though. I honestly believe that you should have said something if I didn't. But maybe we're both idiots, the class clowns of eighth grade, right?

— kim nari, your best friend.

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WORD COUNT: 2354

A/N: who do you think she'll choose? or will she not choose any?