Dear coworkers,===| I hope this email finds you in positive health conditions.   

     As mentioned in the prior 268th email, (267 emails ago), we have obtained a company cat. I regret to inform you today that the cat has unfortunately fatally died as it was killed...

    The financial crisis left the cat in debt and struggling financially, so it became a chronic    alcoholic, leaving behind its wife of 16 years and leaving its 2 children (ages 6 and 11 respectively) terrified and mortified as their father had walked out on them. They will continue to struggle financially, and I do believe the wife has cat-aids and will soon suffer immense pain, leaving the eldest child to take in the rest of the family. There is a suspected 3rd child on the way, possibly twins. I do leave my regards.    

    After issuing an autopsy on the report, it was found that there was more human cum inside the cats bum. Jeremy, you fucking furry degenerate; If Shanon finds out you've been fucking the company cat AGAIN, she WILL fire you this time. 

    Additionally, a few scraps of plastic was found in the stomach of the cat, indicating he had attempted suicide.

    To be specific, VetCo. Cat was hit by a FORD-F150, driven by the late-Derek. (coworker, not to be confused with the old late company dog, Derek).

    To further indicate in on the status of the family, there are issues with the children. For starters, VetCat originally used a condom, however that condom failed, as evidently with their firstborn

    Henry. Additionally, Henry was issued to be aborted, but on the date scheduled, Deborah (VetCat's wife), woke up late from a hangover due to drinking the night before. Therefore, it is by Illinois law that any aborted child is not to be put up for adoption. to add insult to injury, is it suspected that the second born (Isabelle) has an unrecognized and undiagnosed birth defect, which qualifies them (by law) as being 'mentally retarted', and unable to be put up for adoption.

Regretfully so,
-Jai