We arrive on time and with great discretion for the midnight mass, sneaking in to the Royal Pew through a side entrance to the cathedral. It is the first time I have been here since our wedding, as we attend Sunday services in the private chapel on the palace grounds. Tonight, though we are not here to be looked at, we attract stares from nearby pews all the same. I sit between Mariusz and Henryka and keep my gaze upon the bishop in his gilded finery throughout the two hour service, though I can hardly understand a word he says. I hope I look inoffensive and virtuous, but the coolness of the stares upon me warn me that I have offended some all the same.

In the coach on the way home, Dominik falls asleep. It is left to Mariusz, as the only man among us, to gently scoop him into his arms and carry him through the palace to his room. Something about the sight of Mariusz so gently and protectively holding the child causes a strange rippling sensation through my gut. Mariusz notices me watching me.

"Take up a candle, won't you?" He speaks softly so as not to wake his brother. "I can't hold him and a light."

The ripple makes me eager-to-please. I take up a candle, though Dowager Duchess Maria, heading to her own room near Dominik's, might easily have done so herself. Henryka and Zofia break off first, to go to their own rooms, then inside Duchess Maria's apartments, she says something about being tired and bed and disappears beyond a door. Mariusz directs me to a different door, which opens into a child's bedroom. Very, very delicately, Mariusz lays Dominik down upon the bed. He is not delicate enough. Dominik's eyes flicker open.

"Papa?" He says sleepily.

"No," Mariusz says in Selician. "It is only me."

Dominik's heavy-lidded eyes struggle against the dim light of the candle. He murmurs something else, then falls asleep again. Mariusz watches him for a moment then carefully takes off his shoes and unbuttons his coat. Duchess Maria reappears at the door, now wrapped in a dressing gown. Without saying a word, Mariusz gets up from the bed and leaves. I follow him. He walks quickly, like he has something to hide. When we reach the hallway, I take his arm.

"Mariusz?"

He turns to me. The light of the candle shimmers golden in the tears on his cheeks. "It's our first Christmas without him. Without Papa. I don't know why everyone isn't more sad about it. I don't know why I've been happy, most of today. Until now."

I step back. "Oh." I had suspected tears, but I had not expected honesty, and I do not know what to say in the face of it. I'm not sure I want to know more than I already do.

But Mariusz wants to tell me. He wipes his face. "At first, I was so angry that he killed himself that I wasn't sad at all. It felt like he had thrown all of his burdens at my feet and left me, alone, to pick them up and bear them. By the time I started to feel sad about it, it seemed that everyone else had stopped. Mother was too worried about looking after us all to allow herself to be sad. Maria was looking forward to marrying your cousin. She was excited about it. Henryka cried violently for three days and then went about exactly as normal thereafter. Zofia... Zofia started to expect bad things to happen after Adam died. She was never surprised about what happened to Papa, somehow, so I don't think she ever really felt sad. Dominik was saddest. He cried the most. He didn't understand. But now I think he's starting to forget Papa all together. He was only seven when he died. But maybe we're all starting to forget. Because if we remembered properly, surely we wouldn't have had such a... happy day."

"No one can be sad all the time."

"But everything used to remind me of him. I could not walk down a single hallway in this palace without some memory leaping out at me. I couldn't so much as fill my pen without thinking that he always preferred blue ink to black, and, in consequence, I had to use black because... because blue is his colour." The candlelight gutters under Mariusz's shaking breath. "Now, I don't care what ink my letters are written in. I don't even notice. It's only when we have an empty plate at the table, or when Dominik, half-asleep, calls me by his name, that I start to remember. And I'm afraid one day I will stop remembering at all." He wipes his eyes again and sniffs. "You've been at this longer than I. What reminds you of your father? You do still think of him, sometimes, don't you? You haven't forgotten all together, have you?"

"But I do not like to remember." My stomach fills with acid at the threat of memory. "He loved me." That conviction drives memory away. "He loved me."

"Of course he did. He was your father."

"He is the only person who ever loved me."

Mariusz watches me through glittering eyes. "That is not true."

"It is, I assure you. My mother never loved me, and there was no one else to love me. No brothers. No sisters."

Mariusz looks at me for a long time without replying. Finally, he takes the candle from my hand. "Come with me," he says. "I have something to show you."

He goes to our apartment. When we are inside, he goes to his bedroom. I hesitate on the threshold.

"I'm not going to seduce you," he says. "We've answered that question already."

"I know." Still, I wait by the door as he goes to his desk and opens a drawer. From within, he takes a small packet of folded papers and holds them out towards me.

"Here," he says. "These are yours."

"What are they?" I come closer. "I can't read them."

"It is the deed to a hunting lodge in the mountains. I had it made over to you." He takes something from his inside pocket, a small velvet jewellery box about the size to fit a bracelet and ornamented with a red ribbon. "This holds the key. It is your Christmas present."

"So you did get me a present." I stare at the ribbon. "And didn't give it to me."

"I started to doubt myself."

"Are you trying to get rid of me?"

He shakes his head. "It would be very bad for me if you left. That's why I wasn't sure about this present. But I can see that the palace is not comfortable for you and I thought you might need a retreat. Somewhere safe. Somewhere you are in control of everything. It's fully staffed, the servants are ready any time you want to go. It is cold in winter, but very pleasant in summer."

"You're giving me a house?"

"It's more of a palace, really. A very small one."

"And I can live there? If I need?"

"You can do whatever you want with it. Live there. Sell it. Turn it into a nunnery. Lock your mother up in it and throw away the key."

I stifle a laugh. "I don't think she would accept an invitation."

"Well it's yours, to do whatever you want with."

It takes time for the reality of that statement to sink in. I come into the room and take the velvet box from Mariusz, pull apart the bow, and open it. Inside is a brass ring holding a collection of a dozen or so keys, of all different shapes, sizes and ages. Three months ago, my uncle gave me a choice between the tower and Mariusz. It was no real choice at all. Now, with these keys, Mariusz has made that choice real. I can choose against him if I so desire without also choosing against myself.

I did not know Mariusz understood me so well.

"Thank you," I say, because it is all I can say.

"You're welcome."

We might have already answered the question of seduction, but somehow it feels like not enough just to thank him. I step closer, hesitatingly, and lay my hand on his arm to steady myself as I kiss his cool cheek. He might have kissed me before, even on the lips, but it's the first time I have kissed him — or any man. I can feel the bone beneath his flesh, the cold smoothness of his skin, taste the salt of his dried tears. He remains motionless under my touch. Once I release him, he bows his head slightly, looking at me from under his eyelashes, uncertain.

"It's a perfect gift," I say. "It's the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me. And I hope I never have to use it."

__

2024-12-27: And so we learn that Mariusz did, in fact, get a present for Alex. I think partially he was probably afraid to give it to her in front of his mother, tbh.