LADY RUSSAMEE

Three days after I returned, there was no food waiting at my desk when I came to work.

The first time it happened, I wondered about that.

I was a creature of habit.

Alice had been giving me food for weeks.

I've gotten used to that routine.

I wanted to ask my assistant but decided against it.

Perhaps it was for the better that she didn't come by.

Besides, this could be a good opportunity.

The worry I carried with me when I flew to San Francisco never really went away.

I brought it back to Thailand because while talking to Alice and being honest with her about what I was feeling was better in theory, in real life, the fact that I was going to do something that would hurt her, was a monumental task I was not ready to do.

But I told myself that it was better to break one heart.

Or two.

I would rather spare my parents the aggravation of what I did.

They didn't have to know what went on.

It would be a secret I would carry to my grave.

But on the fifth day and I still haven't seen any food, I really began to worry.

I thought of calling Pediatrics to check on her but decided against it.

If her boss wasn't nice to her, I didn't want to give her more ammunition against Alice.

I haven't called since the last time but I think it was best to keep it that way.

What if I showed up?

Would that be better?

No.

That was worst.

My presence would give rise to questions.

But this was my hospital.

I could show up at every department at any time.

No one could stop me.

But I was fooling myself.

The reason why I was reluctant to do it was because I know the truth.

There was one other thing I could do.

But was it a good idea?

On the plane home, I was thinking of putting a stop to this.

Now why am I so worried that I haven't had any food delivered?

It wasn't really about the food.

She hasn't called either and that added to my unease.

Was she mad at me for not keeping my word?

I told her I would but didn't do it because I was going crazy when she declared she loves me.

I could call to check on her but I fought the urge.

It was easier this way.

If she was mad at me for not reaching out the whole time I was away, it would be easier to forget everything that ever happened between us.

But I'm losing my mind with everyday that passed that I don't hear from her.

If I don't do anything about the chaos in my head, I wouldn't be able to move forward with what I wanted to happen.

***

On an early Friday afternoon, I told my assistant to reschedule my meetings.

She had to ask again.

I never did this.

It would be the first time.

I decided to do the one thing I shouldn't.

I drove up to see Alice.

***

We never listen to music when we're together.

The two of us would talk about random stuff.

But today was different so I turned up the volume and let an 80's ballad fill the inside of the car.

I didn't usually pay attention to the lyrics.

But when I hit a red light, I paid attention to the words.

Alice was like that to me.

A habit that formed and I was finding hard to break.

But I could.

Except, do I want to?

Am I addicted to her?

Would I suffer a severe withdrawal if I decide to get her out of my system?

How do I even do that?

There should be a rehab for people who were hopelessly in love.

I know.

There was one.

It's called therapy.

I let out a big sigh when the light changed to green.

***

The street was quiet when I pull up in front of Alice's house.

Her mother's back was turned that's why she didn't see me pass by.

I switched off the engine and got out of the car.

"Lady Russamee," She almost dropped the stacked of canned sardines she carried in her arms.

"Hello, Auntie." I bowed to her.

She did the same.

"Is Alice here?"

There was a moment's hesitation as if she debated whether to tell me the truth or not.

"Please? I need to speak with her."

"She's in her room. But I don't think you should go in there."
"Why?"
"She's been very sick."
"Why didn't you take her to the hospital?"

Now I'm really worried.

"She didn't want to go. She said once the fever breaks, she'll be fine. Besides, I think she's worried about money."

"I own a hospital. She could have told me."
Her mom was stunned when I raised my voice.
"How long has it been?" I asked softly.

"Five days."
"Oh no. Can I go see her?"
"Yes. Just go in. Her room is upstairs. The one on the left."

I thanked her and almost ran to get to Alice.

***

She didn't stir when I open the door.

The window was open but the white sheer curtains were drawn.

The sense of malaise permeated in the room as if it had taken residence there in the last five days.

Gloom was everywhere in the darkness and I felt it.

Alice was covered in a thick blanket but she was shivering.

"Hey," I knelt beside her and felt her forehead.

She was burning hot.

"Alice, wake up." I shook her lithe frame and it took a lot of effort for her to open her eyes.

"Russamee? Is that really you?" She was unsure and probably hallucinating.

"Yes. It's me. Look. I'm going to take you to the hospital. Can you stand?"

"I don't know. Maybe."
I looked around and thought of bringing some clothes but there was no time for that.

"Come on," I placed my arms behind her back to help her get up.

Alice's temperature was through the roof.

The heat from her body seeped through the satin fabric I wore.

She was so weak she could barely stand up.

I held on to her tight so she wouldn't fall.

Going downstairs was a challenge.

We had to do it slowly because every step exhausted her.

She held on to the bannister and it took a long time for us to reach the bottom of the stairs.

When we finally made it outside, I called on her mother to help and to tell her I was taking Alice to the hospital.

"Can you wait for me? I will just close shop."
"Okay. Can you please bring a blanket and some clothes? But first, can you help with the car?"

"Sure."

I fished the key out of my pocket and unlocked the doors.

Alice's mom opened the passenger seat before she left to go back to the house.

I slowly sat Alice down and reclined it so she could sleep.

"It's so cold," She whimpered then covered her chest with her arms.

I grabbed my coat from the backseat and placed it on top of her.

"Better?"

"A little. Russamee, I'm sorry." A tear slipped down her cheek.

"Hey," I wiped her tears.

"Don't be. Now, go to sleep. I'll wake you up when we get to the hospital, okay?"

She nodded.

I kissed her forehead before she closed her eyes.

***

I always felt bad for having a heavy foot.

But today was an exception.

I drove as fast as I could to get to St. King.

I parked in the ER and told Alice's mom to stay in the car.

There was an attendant who was about to go in and when he saw me, I asked him to bring a stretcher.

He ran as fast as he could.

When he came back, a nurse and another attendant was with him.

They helped Alice on the stretcher while her mom and I went to check her in.

There were a thousand questions in the receptionist's eyes but I gave her a stern look.

She pulled a clipboard and gave Alice's mom the forms.

The elderly woman only looked at it and with pitiful eyes, gave me the clipboard.

"Lady Russamee, I don't know how to write."

I was taken aback but didn't say anything.

"Okay. I'll help you," I ushered her to one of the chairs.

***

Alice was eight years my junior.

She was born in November, during the cool season, which was the opposite of mine.

Her birthplace was in Chiang Mai while I was born in Bangkok.

I paid careful attention to the details of Alice's life I didn't know about.

When we were done answering the form, I stood up but her mom placed a tentative hand on my arm.

"Lady Russamee, how are we going to pay for this?"

"Don't worry about it. Let's just give this back so we could see Alice."
The anguish in her eyes never left

***

Alice was placed in a ward.

I asked that she be transferred to a private suite.

The staff was puzzled but obliged.

Her mother and I were at the elevator and Alice slept the entire time.

There was an IV tube on her arm and an oxygen mask on her face.

I spoke with the doctor and learned that Alice was severely dehydrated.

Her fever was at a 105-degrees Fahrenheit and if we weren't able to get her to the hospital, it could be bad for her.

I took the prescription he wrote and once Alice was settled in the private suite, I told her mother I was going to the pharmacy.

"Lady Russamee, can I ask you something?" I turned around again.

There was a thoughtful expression on her face.

I steeled myself for what she was about to ask.

"Sure. What is it?"

"Did something happen between you and Alice?"

"No. I don't think so." My response was quick and neutral.

I couldn't tell her about my dilemma and how I was thinking of breaking her daughter's heart.

Not at this moment.

Not ever.

I'm not a bad person.

I just felt that I was making bad decisions left and right.

Or maybe those weren't bad things for me but bad for other people like my parents.

"That's good," Her smile was tentative.

"I noticed something different when you left. Alice had been watching the phone. She sat beside it at seven in the evening as if there was something important she was waiting for. Sorry if I asked. I thought she did something to upset you."

My heart broke to hear that.

Alice didn't do anything wrong.

I was the one who didn't call.

"No. We're okay."

"I'm glad. I've never seen her so happy especially when she was with you. Thank you for taking care of my daughter."

"Don't worry about it, Auntie. Now, you stay here. I'll get you something to eat and I'll get the medication the doctor prescribed."

"Thank you, Lady Russamee."

I nodded and stepped out of the room.

Once I was in the privacy of the elevator, I let go to the tears I've been holding back.

***

Alice's mother stayed with her the whole night.

The doctor advised that Alice stayed for two more days until she was better.

When I came back the next morning, her mother was already up.

Alice was still asleep when I came in.

I brought breakfast and her mother was embarrassed that I did that but I told her it was okay.

"Lady Russamee, I have to go home today to get more clothes. Do you think it's okay if I leave her alone for a few hours?"

"It's fine. I'll look after her."

"But what about your work? Won't you get in trouble for staying here instead of working."

"I'm the boss, Auntie." I laughed.

"Oh," She laughed too.

"I always forget that you own this hospital. Alice said you are the medical director?"

"Yes."
"You're very smart, Lady Russamee. Alice admires you a lot. She talks about you often. You make her happy."
"She makes me happy too," I looked lovingly at the sleeping figure.

"That's all I ever wanted for her. For someone to make her happy. Thank you, lady Russamee, for giving that to my daughter." She squeezed my hand.

The knowing look in her eyes told me she knows more than what she let on.

At this moment I felt that the things left unsaid meant more than what was spoken.

***

Alice woke up at around nine in the morning.

I was reading the mail I brought to her room and stopped what I was doing when I saw her fidget on the bed.

"Where am I?" Her voice was soft.

"You're up," I put the mail on the couch and walked over to her bed.

"How are you feeling?" I took her hand, relieved that she finally woke up.

"I feel like I've been in a long and deep sleep."

"You were. Are you okay now? You don't have a fever?" I put my hand on her forehead.

She was no longer burning.

"I think I'm okay. Was it a dream?"
"What?"

"You were at my place. I don't remember the details but I smelled your perfume."

That tugged at my heartstrings because she noticed tiny details about me that were second nature and I didn't pay attention to anymore.
"I was. I came to see you."

"Were you mad at me?"

"Why do you ask that?"

"You never called when you went to San Francisco. I waited every night. But I thought you were probably busy."

"I'm sorry," I squeezed her hand.

"Why are you apologizing? You didn't do anything wrong."

"But I should have called when I said I would. I shouldn't have made you wait."

"Russamee, it's okay. I knew you'd be busy. It's fine."
The innocence in her eyes broke my heart a little bit more.

"Is it normal that I feel very hungry?"

"I think so. I don't think you woke up since we brought you here."

"Was my mom here too or was I hallucinating?"

"She was here. She went home to get more clothes but she'll be back."

"Russamee, can I ask you something?" There was a shadow of worry in her eyes."
"What is it?"

"When I'm better, can I ask Billing to deduct everything from my salary? I wasn't planning on coming here. I thought I'd wait till my fever breaks but I guess it didn't."

"Alice," I stroke her hair, "don't ever to this again, okay? You could have died if I didn't come to see you at your place. If this happens again, call me."

"But I didn't want to impose. You've done so much for me already. I don't want to get you in trouble."

"Why would I be in trouble?"

"Because, you're still my boss. Right now, I'm already thinking of what others would say. They'd wonder why you took me here and took care of me."

"Don't worry about that. What's important is for you to get better."

"I couldn't help it. Worrying was second nature to me."
"Well, it's not good for you. It will age you faster," I joked but Alice glared at me.

"Russamee, I know you understand what I'm saying."

"I do but now is not the right time to talk about it. You just woke up. Now, why don't I get you something to eat?." I turned but Alice caught my hand.

"I miss you."

The longing in those dark eyes reflected my own.
I stepped closer and pulled her in a tight embrace.

"I miss you too," I placed my chin on top of her head.

Alice was comfortably warm now and my body felt as if it belonged with her.

All the days and nights I spent worrying about what to do with our situation seemed unimportant right now.

I knew what I wanted.

She was right here with me.

But I let my fear took over until it became so big and uncontrollable.

I felt Alice's hand slide slowly down my back and made its way into the front of my shirt.

She grazed my nipple with her thumb and I let out a low moan as goosebumps rose in my arms and the back of my neck.

"What are you doing to me?" I whispered, fighting the urge to engage in what she wanted and knowing I was too weak to resist.

"I really do miss you," She looked up, eyes filled with lust and desire.

It took all my might not to give in because so many things could happen right now if I ignore the alarms blaring in my head.

"I like what you're doing but let's get you something to eat first. Besides, you haven't fully recovered."

Her shoulders sank in disappointment.

"Don't worry. You'll get what you wanted when you're better."
"Do you mean that?"

"I do."
"You won't pull another San Francisco on me?"
I was taken aback by the reminder.

"What did you call it?"

"San Francisco."

"I didn't pull one on you."
"Russamee, I know I'm young but I pay attention to everything you say and do."

"What are you trying to say?"
"I knew why you didn't call. You were busy but you gave me the impression that you'd try and fit me in your schedule because somehow, I mattered to you."
"You do."

"But when I told you I love you, you didn't say anything. I thought I scared you that's why you went radio silent. But I couldn't do that. I spoke my truth. There was no way to get it back."

"I'm sorry I didn't say anything."
"This is the second time you apologized to me. It's weird," She grinned and it lessened the tightness in my chest.

"Because I truly am sorry. I should have said something."

"That would have been nice. Even if you tell me you don't feel the same way, I could take it. That would have been better than unnerving silence."

"But I do love you, Alice."

"You do?" Her eyes lit up.
"Yes. I do. It scared me because of so many things but I feel the same way about you."

She let out a long sigh.

"I thought it upset you to hear it."

"Knowing what you feel about me didn't upset me. It took me by surprise that's for sure. But how could I ever get upset when it came from the person I care about?"

"Like what you said, there are a lot of things to be scared of. I don't want you to feel scared of what you feel for me. Russamee," She took my hand in hers, "I want you to be happy with me."

"I already am. More than you ever know."

She hugged me and this time, I closed my eyes and let myself be comforted with the thought that someone, Alice, loves me with all her heart and everything she has.