I awoke the next morning in the same deflated mood. Ginny and Neville tried to find the source of my sorrow but it was in vain. Luna was the only one who could really see what was wrong. Her uncanny intuition made me curious, but it had always comforted me. Today was no exception. 
All it took was for her big blue eyes to meet mine for her to know. I wanted to cry and tell her everything. Hell, I wanted to tell everyone everything. Just scream everything out at the top of my lungs. But who would believe me anyway?
"You've seen something awful." She told me, and she'd never been so correct. 
I had seen something awful. I'd seen the past and the present and the future. I had seen everyone's past. I understood why people were the way they were. I understood it all now. And I wished I could have been naive and idiotic and selfish and ignorant like I had been my entire life. I wished I didn’t understand anyone and I wished I hadn’t known how Luna tried to kill herself after her mother’s death. I wished I didn’t know how Neville self harmed to help him cope with his parent’s insanity. I wished I hadn’t known how pressured Ginny felt by being the only girl in her family. I wished I knew none of it, but nevertheless I did know it. And nevertheless, this was a burden I’d have to carry on my own.

“Do you understand now?” Lucy whispered inside my head.

“You have to leave me alone.” I said back. “I hate you. You have to get away from me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You fucking should be. Just fuck off forever.”

“That’s the plan.” She muttered. “I’ll never speak to you again,  okay?”

I didn’t reply, and she spoke no more. I assumed she was gone for good.

And I was glad she was gone.

She was the one who’d started all of this.

She was the reason that everything had to be so fucked up.

It’s her fault that I knew everything.

Fucking Lucy, what a fucking bitch.

I lay down on the ground, I was in the entrance hall, but that didn’t matter. I was there. That was real. Even if nothing else was real. The ground was.

The cold marble danced through my clothes and sent shivers down my body, but I didn’t move. At least feeling cold was feeling something.

I closed my eyes, and transported my mind to far away. Somewhere else. I had to get away from it all. I had to escape. I escaped into my own memory; a memory so old, I thought it was forgotten.

It was my second year at Hogwarts, I was unknowingly eleven.

“Jingle bells Albus smells, freakishly like hay!” I sang “What? He does though!”

 “Who does what?”McGonagall chimed in. I  nearly tripped over in fright.

 “Professor Dumbledore smells like hay.” I said simply.

McGonagall made a weird gagging sound, and seemed to find it impossible to hide her smile. She started laughing louder and finally skedaddled, saying; “Oh Willow.”

“He does a bit” Ron agreed.

George, Fred, Ginny, Ron, Harry, Hermione and I continued to walk along the corridors until just before Christmas dinner.

Hermione and I skipped upstairs to pretty themselves up.

I had put on a lace dress, those boots I loves, and a lovely jacket. My hair was braided. She wore a gorgeous shirt and jacket with the worlds loveliest pair of jeans.

“You look...” George said as I walked down the stairs with Hermione fifteen minutes before dinner. I smiled in spite of myself. He was wearing jeans and a jumper with a big ‘G’ on it.

“Beautiful, amazing, adorable” I suggested. I heard a weird noise. “OH MY GOD Soxy I STEPPED ON YOUR TAIL!” I screamed. “COME DOWN TO DINNER WITH US! YOU CAN BE MY DATE!” George’s face fell slightly.

“WHY ARE YOU YELLING?” Hermione asked me.

“I DON’T KNOW!” I yelled back

“WHY ARE YOU TWO YELLING?” Ron asked

“WE DON’T KNOW!” Hermione and I said in unison.
“WHY ARE YOU THREE YELLING?” Harry asked us.

“WE DON’T KNOW!” said Ron, Hermione and I together.

“How long will this go on for?” Percy asked, more to himself.

“WE DON’T KNOW!” Harry, Ron, Hermione and I yelled.

“WHY ARE YOU FOUR YELLING?” Fred and George asked together

“WE DON’T KNOW!”

“WHY ARE YOU SIX YELLING?” Ginny chimed in. We were all positively beaming at our own stupidity.

“WE DON’T KNOW!” we all stared intently at Percy who continued to look at us like we were crazy. I edged over to him.

“come on Percy, do it.” I whispered “Do it, I dare ya.”

“WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING?” he yelled.

“WE DON’T KNOW!” everyone screamed.

We headed down to dinner laughing like maniacs.

Dinner was awesome. The Great Hall looked glorious. There were a dozen frost-covered Christmas trees and thick streamers of holly and mistletoe crisscrossing the ceiling. To top it all off Enchanted snow was falling, warm and dry, from the ceiling. Dumbledore led them in a few of his favourite carols, Hagrid booming more and more loudly with every goblet of eggnog he consumed.

Hermione kept hitting me whenever I tried to change the lyrics.

Soxy popped up randomly and sat beside me.

“Hi I’m Soxy, I’m so chill. I’m like; ‘hi I’m a cat, I’m going to sleep all day and then sleep all night and eat your food while looking cute.’” I said weirdly.  “I don’t get it! Why doesn’t he have a nose!” I exclaimed. “JUST GONNA STAND THERE AND HEAR ME ROAR-“ I bellowed

“THAT’S ALL RIGHT CAUSE I’M A DINOSAUR!” someone yelled back.

OH MY GOD! IT WAS FREAKING DUMBLEDORE! I KNEW OLD HAY GUY WAS COOL!

“I LOVE YOU SIR, IN A NON-CREEPY TEACHER/STUDENT WAY!”  I shouted across the hall.

McGonagall was practically having a seizure.

“I LOVE YOU TOO WILLOW, IN A NON-CREEPY STUDENT/TEACHER WAY!” he yelled back, a grin widely spread across his face.

Hermione and Ginny, who were on either side of me were shrieking with laughter.  Ron was shaking his head. Harry looked like his face was going to hurt from his ridiculously wide smile. Fred was missing under the table, only his laughs were heard echoing up. Percy looked at me as though I was a psychopath (which wasn’t too far from the truth) and George was beaming across the table at me.

I came back out of my memory, because someone was kicking me.

“Hey, you’re that guy who stole my wand.” I noted, standing up. “Nice to see you again, Ashley.”

“FOR THE LAST TIME POTTER, MY NAME IS ASHER!”

“What was that Ashley? Did you say you got your period?”

“FOR GODRIC’S SAKE!” he screamed at me, face turning red in rage.

“Oh, you said you’re PMS. Okay.”

“STOP CALLING ME A GIRL OR I WILL KILL YOU!”

“I don’t die too easily, now do I?” I smiled. “I’ll list the times I was supposed to, but didn’t die for you Ashley.”

He started shooting curses at me, but I deflected them with my sass.

“When U-NO-POO tried to kill me when I was a baby; when Lucius Malfoy tried to kill me when I was ten;  when I tried to kill me when I was ten; when I was faced with a mountain troll – let’s put that twice, even though the second mountain troll was unconscious; the three-headed-dog; when I drank a potion in the logic room...” I was standing calmly, counting up on my fingers while Ash danced around me majestically, trying to throw me off with his terrible spells. I guess that was a benefit of knowing Dumbledore’s memories – I knew all of the spells he knew. I could literally block these spells with my sass. (IT’S NOT JUST A FIGURE OF SPEECH!) “Calm down Ashley, don’t hurt yourself.”

“I’M NOT ASHLEY YOU BITCH!”

“Okay then Ashley, I’ll keep going. Where was I? Right, When The Dark Constipation tried to kill me for the philosopher’s stone; when I was stabbed the following year; when I ate a cupcake without sugar – that counts too...” I was out of fingers, so instead, I magicked the numbers in the air. “When I was stuck living with Snape for a few weeks; when Lockhart and I had to be in each other’s presence; when I took Polyjuice potion – that mightn’t have even worked, so that counts; when I nearly kissed Draco; when I looked the basilisk in the eye; when I was nearly eaten by giant spiders – just because I wasn’t technically corporeal, I still could have died.”

“Who are you verifying yourself too?” Ash asked in frustration. He was still trying to curse me.

“You, of course. I know how interested you are in my past, Ashley.”

“For fuck’s sake –“

“When I went into the chamber of secrets; When Hagrid sent me a book that tried to eat me; the hotness of George Weasley; Dementors – that is about five times now; being in that perfumed tower with Trelawney; When people give me looks that could kill – thats and extra...thirty...” my magical floating number flicked over to fifty five. “Ha. Okay, Peeves;  Scabbers or Peter Pettigrew; My friendly neighbourhood werewolf; Quidditch World Cup; Dragons; illness; boredom; drowning; mermaids; McGonagall hit me; I tried to tap-dance...” I’d unintentionally gathered a crowd now. They were cheering over my giant, flashing sixty six. “I had a sense of humour in potions, and that wasn’t the best idea with Snape; The graveyard, where the constipation sensation rose from the dead – I’ll add about three there, because there were lots of death eaters and killing curses; Mad-Eye Moody, who wasn’t Mad-Eye Moody. He probably would have ganked me too...”

“SEVENTY ONE” someone hollered, looking at my number.

“Mundungus Fletcher, being a douche nearly killed me; Harry nearly killed my by being a twat; Umbridge’s personality; Some rapist called Bart – twice...”

“Are you just listing off bad shit that happened to you now?” A member or my audience asked.

I looked up, and realised Ash was still trying to curse me.

Holy flying fuck. Will he give up?

“If I was listing bad shit, it would be in the millions.” I winked, and continued listing. “Ahem, anyway. There’s also: Having to sit my OWLs; That time I broke into the ministry of magic, I’ll add about six for that because that night was intense; I was also cursed by Voldy on that night too, and I didn’t die about nine times there.”

NINETY TWO!

“Being in the presence of a French chick for an extended period of time; OH HEY, I forgot to add that time I was hit in the head by a bludger; That little battle at Hogwarts last year...” I paused for a moment and I remembered August.

He’s be proud of me for being a cocky little bitch right now.

NINETY FIVE!

“Uh, when we tried to fly Harry to safety at the beginning of this year – I’ll add three there, because there was fighting in the sky, my fall, and the fun session of torture afterwards;”

NINETY EIGHT!

“I was nearly killed in a coffee shop;”

NINETY NINE!

“I worked in a grocery store – that’s enough to die;”

ONE HUNDRED!

“I went to Australia, and that’s practically a death sentence in itself ‘cause all the wildlife (And/or residents) would have killed me if I was there a minute longer;”

ONE HUNDRED AND ONE!

“Uh, then we go back to Voldy-dearest again;”

ONE HUNDRED AND TWO!

“Amycus stabbed me and left me to die;”

ONE HUNDRED AND FOUR!

“and uh, I guess Ashley who has been trying to kill me for the last fifteen minutes also counts.”

“ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE!” My audience – which seemed to be a good proportion of the year – cheered.

“Excuse me, what is all this commotion?” Amycus Carrow was forcing her way through the crowd.

“Ash was just saying how he wanted a duel with you.” I said simply, and I walked off.

I don’t know if they actually started duelling.

But I didn’t care.

I’d been immortal one hundred and five times – pretty much. And my non-legit answers probably made up for the times that I have died and I forget I’ve almost died.

Anyway, the point of my list was to say: fuck it. Why mope about the future, or the past, when I can live for the now?