Terrence

"What's her name again?"

"Hmn? The not so new girl? Eunice. Eunice Laxamana. Bakit?"

I was used to being competitive but every time things didn't go my way, I felt a surging rage within me to the point of going berserk, like I wanted to inflict pain and hurt someone. Which could only be pacified by acquiring something I badly wanted.

Ang madalas kong pagkakabagot ay halos nakamamatay. I always found myself constantly looking for something stimulating to do. Hindi ko hinahayaang maging blangko ang utak ko, kailangang may lagi akong pinag-iisipan o ginagawang bago. Dahil kung wala ay kung saan-saan napapadpad ang isip ko.

But I felt strange whenever I see her around. I found myself curiously watching and predicting her every move. What got me interested was the fact that she rarely did what I expected her to do. Maybe that was why I started to wonder how and how long it would take me to manipulate her if I tried. But before that... I need to know her more. That was why I plotted a plan and pursued her. I didn't expect it to be entertaining—or maybe she distracted me so much that it lasted for almost a year.

Natagpuan ko na lamang ang sariling hindi na madalas naghahanap ng pagkakaabalahan, dahil sa pagpaplano ng dapat kong sunod na gawin. Mula sa kung paano ko makukuha ang atensyon at interes niya sa unang beses pa lang ng pag-uusap namin. Sa kung paano ko maipakikitang interesado ako sa kaniya para mas makilala ko pa siya—lahat ng lakas at kahinaan niyang pwede kong magamit. Hanggang sa makuha ko nang tuluyan ang loob niya.

She stimulated me. And the more I got acquainted with her, the more interested I got.

"You had a fight? How serious was it?"

Pagkaupo sa likod ng sasakyan ay mabagal akong nag-angat ng tingin at natagpuan ang nag-aalala niyang ekspresyon. Humahakbang siyang palapit sa akin. Naroon kami sa likod ng stadium, sa parking. Katatapos lang ng game sa instrams at pagkakainitan namin ng isang ka-team ko.

"Did you get hurt?"

Matapos pasadahan ng mga daliri ang basa pang buhok mula sa shower ay tumitig ako sa kaniya—habang inoobserbahan niyang mabuti ang mukha ko para sa marka ng kahit anong sugat. She sighed in relief when she saw no wound or scratch on it.

"Tell me what happened. Bakit ka nakipag-away sa ka-team mo?"

Ahh. I liked it when she's being like this.

Contrary to my parents and friends who didn't give a damn about how I attained everything I have, she was different. I could tell that she really gave a fuck about me—how I am as a person, my efforts and everything that's me.

Hindi ko alintana ang awang na mga labi habang pinagmamasdan siya. Kung paanong muling mapintahan ng pag-aalala ang bawat kurap ng mga mata niya. Bawat takas na buhok na humaharang sa magkabilang gilid ng mukha niya. Ang pagbukas-sara ng maninipis niyang labi na para bang ang dami niyang gustong sabihin ngunit hindi alam paano magsisimula.

"Terrence."

Para akong wala sa sarili nang mahinay ko siyang hinigit palapit mula sa braso niya. Inabot ko ang pisngi niya at marahang hinaplos matapos. Ang kaninang pag-aalala sa ekspresyon niya'y agad napalitan ng kaunting pagkakagulat. Lalo na nang inilapit ko ang mukha at pinatakan siya ng isang magaang halik sa labi.

"Ang ganda mo talaga," binulong ko ito sa labi niya.

She blinked a few times as I licked my lips and smirked delightedly with her astonishment. I could feel the slight burning from her cheek in my palm while we stared at each other. Ang tila papel niyang kutis ay napintahan ng pamumula dahil dito.

I knew a lot of things about her then. And one thing I liked the most was knowing that she never had a boyfriend and she's reserved. I started thinking how I could break her belief enough to give in to me. But I figured I wasn't in any hurry because we weren't together yet. Or until she said yes to me that summer before we went to college.

Hindi ko alam kung saang punto nagbago ang tingin ko sa kaniya—mula sa isang interesanteng bagay na gusto kong subukan at makamit patungong isang importanteng tao sa buhay ko.

"Rence, come on, they're waiting for you downstairs," boses ni Eunice mula sa labas ng pintuan ng kwarto ko.

Binigyan ako ng isang makahulugang ngisi ng kakambal nang magkatinginan kami.

"She's pretty nice. We met once."

Natigilan ako sa akmang paglabas sa sikretong kwarto niya roon sa rest house dahil sa narinig.

"You met her? When? Here?" Hindi ko inasahan ang pangambang gumapang sa akin. But I was sure as hell it didn't show on my face.

Ainsley shook her head idly, a grin still plastered on her lips. Imbes na sagutin ang tanong ko'y ito ang sinabi niya, "When's the next stage happening, twin brother? I'm getting kinda bored with your tales. We got her now, didn't we? What now, then?"

Hinintay niya ang sasabihin ko sa nasasabik na ekspresyon. I gave back her smirk and patted the top of her head.

"We'll see."

Tila nababagot siyang bumuntonghininga kasabay ng pagsandal sa headboard ng inuupuang kama.

"You've been dating her for half a year now. Aren't you getting bored?" aniya pang hindi ko na nasagot dahil kailangan ko nang sagutin ang mga katok ni Eunice sa pinto.

I had a lot to drink with my friends that night. Hindi ko na alam kung saang kwarto ako pumasok. Naalimpungatan na lang akong may katabi ako sa kama. Si Eunice. Nakatalikod siya sa akin at mukhang payapa ang pagtulog.

Groaning a little, hinilamusan ko ng palad ang mukha sabay buntonghininga. I didn't have the energy and the will to stand up and leave. Dammit.

Eyes a pair of heavy lids, I looked at her again. And I suddenly found myself scooting closer, until I she was wrapped around my arms.

Suminghap siya at bahagya akong nilingon. Tinawag niya ako sa mahina at namamaos na boses matapos. Ngunit nang hindi ako sumagot ay dahan-dahan siyang bumaling paharap sa akin.

"Hey..."

"You okay?"

The corner of my mouth rose for a humorous smile. I probably looked like a corpse when I came here earlier for her to ask me that.

If someone were to ask, one thing I liked about her was her innocence. Because it made me feel like I own something no one ever had before—'di tulad ng mga bagay na mayroon ako.

"Cee, aren't you scared of me?" I slurred instead of answering her question, my eyes half-opened.

Hinawi ko ang ilang hibla ng buhok palayo sa mukha niya. Gamit ang hinlalaki ay paulit-ulit kong hinaplos ang pisngi niya, habang nagpapalitan kami ng tingin.

"No... I'm not," bulong niya sa nanghihinang tinig. "Why would I be scared of you?"

You should be though... because I might hurt you so badly you'll hate me for it.

I trained my eyes on hers thinking where she'd been all my life. Dahan-dahan akong lumapit at muling binalot ng mga bisig ko.

"I love you, Cee," I whispered on her lips. I felt her smile when I pressed mine against hers.

"I love you too, Terrence," she whispered as she kissed me back.

Oh, her voice was music to my ears.

Have you ever had a feeling so precious you didn't want to spoil it? Because I think I had.

"Fuck." I groaned and guided her waist up and down as she thrust on top of me, both my fingers were almost buried in the bare skin of her hip.

Her long wavy brown hair was dancing together with each rhythm of our movement, some of it sticking on her sweating face and body.

Lumipad pabukas ang mga mata ko nang marinig ko ang maingay niyang pag-ungol. Igting ang panga, nagsalubong ang mga kilay ko at hinayaan siyang gumalaw mag-isa.

"Shut up, you're too fucking loud." I got up and cupped her mouth with my hand because I couldn't concentrate.

Bahagya tuloy akong nawalan ng gana dahil naalala kong hindi siya si Eunice. Nakakairita. Sinabi ko na kaninang ayaw ko ng maingay.

Patay ang lahat ng ilaw dahil hindi ako interesadong makita ang mukha niya. And because only then I could think of Eunice and got turned on. I just had to silence the wench every time and I was satisfied. Kahit panandalian.

I needed a release or maybe a stimulant or whatever the fuck it was called. And I found out that sex could give it to me somehow—to feel something. But aside for the momentary satisfaction, there was nothing else in it for me. Dahil tulad ng laro o ano pa mang pagkakaabalahang bagay, sex was nothing but another activity. I didn't see anything sacred or special about it when it came to me doing it with anyone. Pero kung si Eunice siguro ang kasama ko ay ibang usapan na iyon.

That was why I took her refusal to do it as a silent consent that I could do it with someone else, or at least while I waited for her to be ready. Fair enough, wasn't it?

Ang importante naman ay siya ang mahal ko.

I couldn't see it as plain wrong but somehow, Eunice knowing about it wasn't in the plan. Pero tangina, nang nahuli niya ako isang beses na may kahalikan ay pakiramdam ko katapusan ko na dahil sa takot na iwan niya ako. Pero hindi niya ginawa. At hindi niya magawa.

"Cee, I'm sorry. I told you—I didn't mean it."

Rinig ang pag-alingawngaw ng bandang tumutugtog sa loob ng Varitas mula sa walang taong balcony ng second floor kung nasaan kami.

Kalmado na siya matapos ang sandali naming sagutan. Namumulang ilong at magang mga mata dahil sa pag-iyak, nasa malayong kadiliman ng kalsada sa baba ang tingin niya. Hindi iyon natinag kaya't sinapo ko na ang magkabila niyang braso. Mabagal ko siyang hinila palapit at dinala patungo sa dibdib ko matapos. She didn't move and just let me wrap my arms around her. Ibinaon ko ang mukha sa buhok niya bago marahang suminghap. Pikit-mata, ang bahagyang hilo dahil sa epekto ng mga nainom ay naiwan pa sa akin.

"It was a mistake... wala lang ako sa sarili dahil sa dami ng nainom ko."

Wala pa rin siyang imik.

I drawled, "I won't do it again."

Pumiglas siya sa yakap ko kaya't mas hinigpitan ko iyon at hindi siya hinayaang kumalas.

"Eunice, come on, please... you know how it was with your dad..."

May sumupil na ngisi sa mga labi ko nang matigilan siya.

"But he's trying... and so am I... forgive me, please? You know how much I love you, Cee... hindi na mauulit..."

She was sobbing then, shaking in my arms. Hinaplos ko ang buhok niya nang paulit-ulit at maingat na pinatakan ng halik ang tuktok ng ulo niya.

"You won't... you won't do it again?"

Ang ngiting kaninang sumusupil sa mga labi ko'y unti-unti nang kumawala. Muli kong hinaplos ang buhok niya habang tinatahan siya sa pag-iyak.

That's right. You can't leave because I have you wrapped around my fingers now. "Hindi na... hindi na mauulit."

Nang ilang beses pang mangyari iyon ay halos wala na akong pakialam. She forgave me so that meant she understood—and there wasn't anything wrong with it. Using other girls meant nothing to me because like I said, I didn't do it out of anything aside from a quick satisfaction.

Dahil unti-unti na rin akong nawawalan ng pandama. At habang tumatagal, mas lalo akong nagiging desperadong may maramdaman. Kahit sa paanong paraan. Paulit-ulit niya akong pinatawad at pinagbigyan pero hindi ko 'yon nakita. Hanggang sa tila bumaligtad ang buong mundo ko nang sa unang pagkakataon ay hiningi niyang makipaghiwalay sa akin. At nang matanto kong seryoso siya ro'n at kaya niya 'yong gawin.

She was the only one who cared. And I should've lose my mind a long time ago but I owe it all to her that I didn't. But now it was her I lost.

I was confused at first because I didn't know where I went wrong. May mali ba sa mga nagawa ko? Akala ko ba naiintindihan niya? She knows I love her, right?

I wasn't aware that I was planting hurt on her because I was too busy searching for something that could make me feel, some kind of proof that I was still alive—until she made me. I'd never thought pain could be lethal to the point where I thought it would kill me. For thinking she didn't love me anymore. That she found someone else better because truth be told: I didn't deserve her. All along I was digging my own grave.

I only started tracing back my steps then to see where I went wrong. But the answer always looped back at me—because the thing that's wrong was me all along. I love her but there was something fucking wrong with me.

Ainsley was my twin, my other 'I', whom I thought to be an ill part of me—but she wasn't. It was something rooted inside of me.

I saw myself as nothing but bad before Eunice happened. Dahil siya lang ang nakapagparamdam sa akin ng mga bagay na iyon. Mga bagay na muntik ko nang malimutang mayroon ako. I felt for her. I didn't want her in pain. I feared the thought of losing her. I was thoughtful with things about her. I gave a lot of damn when it comes to her. And yes, I manipulated her but it all backfired to me because it pained me more. She was the only person I felt connected to aside from my twin and I never once thought of hurting her—or at least not intentionally.

"We didn't know what to do then... we were so scared! Sa tingin mo ginusto naming gawin 'yon sa kambal mo—na itago siya at ilayo sa 'yo? We didn't!" Mom had a lot to drink in one of our usual Sunday dinner. She started sobbing uncontrollably then. "But why did she always has to complicate and ruin things like this for us?!"

Aside from Ainsley's case, they've been busy contemplating whether to leave Willow Grove or not. I've been constantly hearing them talk to some of our relatives regarding our business.

"It wasn't her fault we couldn't be a family she badly needed."

Natahimik ang hapag ng magsalita ako. Mom immediately stopped from sobbing just to throw me a horrified look. While Dad was quietly shooting me a questioning look from across the table.

"We all knew there was something wrong with her. But instead of trying to help, we all turn a blind eye and abandoned her."

"How could you—" Natigilan sa akmang pagsigaw si Mommy nang sinapo ni Dad ang kamay niyang naro'n sa lamesa.

Mapait ang ngiting gumuhit sa mga labi ko habang tulala sa sariling pinggan na wala pang bawas ang laman.

"It was our fault from the beginning. And no, we have no rights to cry foul and put it all on her again."

Nang mag-angat ako ng tingin sa tahimik kong mga magulang ay naabutan ko ang pagbalatay ng gulat sa mga ekspresyon nila. Dahan-dahan iyong napintahan ng gimbal at guilt matapos naming magpalitang tatlo ng tingin. Tila ba noon lang nila iyon natanto.

Marahang umiling si Mommy, tulala at panay ang tulo ng luha. "I loved her—she's my daughter! But is it my fault that she wasn't normal?! May nagawa ba akong mali habang pinagbubuntis ko siya?"

"Hon." Hinaplos ni Dad ang kamay ni Mommy para lang mapakalma ang paghikbi nito.

"I love her too. Pero maling pagmamahal ang hayaan siya sa mga bagay na alam kong hindi tama. At sana makita n'yo rin kung saan kayo nagkamali. We can't bring back what happened and what she did. But we should at least see where we went wrong and learn from it instead of turning a blind eye again."

Hindi ko inasahan ang naging desisyon nilang tuluyang umalis. Whether my words struck something to them or because they didn't want to taint their reputation even more. But nonetheless, I guess that was for the best.

"Isn't it great? I got out from that house but look where I ended up—in another cage! The fucking irony," Ainsley started saying, from one of my visits.

"Kumusta ka rito? I bought you some things you might need. Kung may gusto o kailangan ka pang iba pwede kong dalhin sa sunod na—"

"Where's that shrew?" she asked suddenly. Mabagal niyang isinandig ang mga braso sa lamesang nasa pagitan namin matapos. Ang tingin niya'y nakadirekta at hindi nawawaglit sa akin.

"Why?"

Shrugging a little, a small smile curved on the corner of her mouth. "I wanna see her."

Natigilan ako. I doubt Eunice would agree to do that, given what Ainsley and I did to her.

"She won't come here to see you."

"Why is that?"

"We broke up."

She snorted until it slowly turned into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. She was even slapping the table with her palms out of amusement.

Igting ang panga ko siyang pinanood nang maigi mula sa tapat ng inuupuan ko.

"You broke up? She broke up with you?!" Her laughter echoed in the four corners of the room.

Halos nakabibingi iyon sa pandinig ko ngunit mas nangibabaw ang matinding iritasyong nabuhay sa akin.

"Shut the fuck up, there's nothing laughable about it."

Mabilis siyang huminto para lang tapunan ako nang nahihiwagaang tingin. Sa tinig na may pang-uuyam ay sinabi niya ito matapos, "Aww. Don't tell me you still love her?"

Hindi ako sumagot at pinanatili lang ang mariing tingin sa kaniya. I was wondering how sometimes, we could love something or someone so much as we hate them.

Dahan-dahang humiwa ang isang nakadidistorbong ngisi sa mukha niya matapos ipaling ng bahagya ang ulo patagilid. "You poor thing. After all you've done, look how you ended up—alone and hurt. Just like an abandoned, injured animal in the middle of nowhere. No help in sight. But is it really your fault?"

Kunot ang noo, ang paghinga ko'y unti-unti nang bumibigat. "What are you talking about?"

"Are you one of the believers of the so called power of fate?"

"What bullshit are you on about?"

"Right!" She chuckled. "All that was bullshit—same goes with that shrew." Napalitan ng hungkag na ekspresyon ang mukha niya matapos humupa ang kanina pang nakapintang ngisi. "You waited for her. You tried to change because you wanted to win her back. You were always there for her and never once left her side.

"Can't you see, Terrence? Everything you did was nothing but acts of love. While all she did was try to find fault in you just to have an excuse to end things. Then how can loving her be so wrong?"

Couldn't utter anything, my lips were pressed in a thin line.

"You're waiting on her since... you kept waiting and waiting... until poof!" She gestured an explosion with both her hands cupped as it slowly went down. "All of a sudden, everything was your fault. She left you. Your friends betrayed you. Our family's ruined. You were robbed of almost everything. Now here you are, turning away with your back, accepting things as it is without no one to blame but yourself."

It was partly my fault. And I wanted so bad to interject but her words started to make me think... that somehow, she had a point.

"Love can never be a bad thing."

Tulala ako sa mukha ng kakambal nang mabilis rumolyo pabalik sa akin ang lahat. Magmula sa punto kung saan iyon nagbago hanggang sa kung paano iyon nahantong sa ngayon. But unlike the first time, watching it inside my head right now felt different, just like having a new-colored glasses on.

"She'll change her mind once she realized all the things you did out of your love for her. Actually, I'm betting she's doing this because she knows you too well—she's probably thinking you'll try to take her back like you always do."

"You think so?"

Habang nagpapalitan kami ng tingin ay muling kumurba pataas ang isang sulok ng mga labi niya. "Yes. She will if you try to win her back. After all... you already lose everything so what's another gamble?"