"Stephanie's dead. Her body was found behind the campus, stark naked. Natagalan sa pag-identify dahil walang kahit anong gamit na nakita-at dahil tinanggalan ng balat ang mukha niya at hindi na makilala."

Pagkagising ay tila bumaligtad agad ang sikmura ko. Aside from the body pain, I feel sick. Isang pasada ng tingin at natagpuan ko ang sarili sa loob ng isang puting kwarto habang nakahiga sa isang puti ring kama. The room was quiet with the silent voices talking somewhere.

I was probably in the hospital because there was an IV connected on my left hand. May ilang bandage rin akong nakita sa sariling braso.

Pagkasapo ng ulo dahil sa kirot na nadama ay nakapa kong pati iyon ay may benda rin. I might've had hit my head... but from what?

What happened? Why am I here?

Lito at nanghihina, dahan-dahan kong hinawi ang kumot at kumapit sa bakal na pinagsasabitan ng IV ko upang gawing gabay sa pagtayo. Binalewala ko ang agad pag-atake ng hilo, bigat at sakit ng katawan nang dali-dali akong nagtungo sa C.R. para dumuwal.

"Eunice?"

"I'll call her doctor."

Kneeling in front of the toilet bowl, I felt terrible. Tanging likido ang naisuka ko dahil walang laman ang sikmura ko. Masakit iyon at parang pinipilipit.

"Here."

Tinanggap ko ang inabot na tissue sa akin at agad pinunasan niyon ang bibig. Sinubukan kong tumayo ngunit nagsisirko ang paningin ko. Naramdaman ko na lang na may sumapo sa akin at maingat na tumulong sa pagbalik ko sa higaan.

Eyes shut, my breathing was ragged when I lie back on it.

"How are you feeling?" anang pamilyar na boses.

Ilang sandali ko pang ginagap ang sarili bago sa wakas ay maorganisa ang gulo-gulong isip. But despite the pounding of my head, I will my eyes to open.

Una kong nakita ang puno ng pag-aalalang mukha ni Terrence na nakaupo sa gilid ng hospital bed. His eyes were bloodshot and the black circles under it made him look tired. I felt a force on my palm and realized that he was holding it.

"Thank God you're awake. You've been unconscious for the last twenty four hours. Inaayos lang nina Tita ang ilang dokumento para mailipat ka sa malapit na ospital sa inyo..."

Ramdam ang panunuyo ng lalamunan, hindi ako nakapagsalita. Suddenly, I was reminded of the night at Varitas. When I caught him kissing other girl. Cedric aiming the knife at him... I, trying to shove the latter away... and ended up rolling down the stairs...

Oh, God.

Napapikit ako nang mariin kasabay ng malalim na pagbuntonghininga sa nadamang relief. He wasn't hurt... he's safe... pero... si Cedric... nasaan si Cedric? What happened after that? Did they caught him?

Susubukan ko pa lamang sanang magsalita nang pumasok ang doctor at ilang nurse para kunsultahin ako. Terrence and Mike was standing at the corner all the while. The doctor talked to them right after he was done checking me.

Nakaramdam ako ng antok mula sa sakit at pagod ng katawan. And before I knew it, I drifted back into a deep slumber.

"He's not the one for you."

"You did the right thing, Eunice."

"Sabihin mo sa 'kin... 'di ba pareho lang tayo ng gusto?"

"Stephanie's dead..."

Pagkadilat ay sinalubong ako ng puting kisame at dingding pati nang nakabibinging katahimikan. All I could hear was my steady breathing.

My eyes were busy wandering the room until I saw someone sitting on a chair beside my bed. Gamit ang dalawang palad ay maingat nitong hawak ang kanang kamay ko. Nakayuko ito at nakapako ang atensyon doon na animong taimtim na nagdarasal.

I looked at him in silence.

Hindi ko na alam kung gaano ako katagal narito o kung nailipat na ako ng ospital, pero... bakit nandito pa rin siya?

Sa kabila ng panunuyo ng lalamunan ay sinubukan kong magsalita. "Rence..."

Agad lumipad ang atensyon niya patungo sa akin. Nang una'y gulat iyon ngunit kalaunan ay kababakasan na ng panlulumo at takot.

Matapos basain ang labi ay sinubukan niyang itago iyon sa isang mahinang ngiti. "Hey..."

Marahan niyang pinisil ang kamay ko nang hindi ako nagsalita. Ang namamalat niyang boses ay halos mabasag sa sobrang pag-iingat nang sinabi ito, "Do you need anything?"

May kurot sa puso akong nadama.

"Water..."

Binitiwan niya ang kamay ko at dali-daling tumayo para kumuha ng bottled water. Isinalin niya iyon sa isang cup at saka bumalik. Sinapo niya kaagad ang likod ko at inalalayan akong maupo sa kama. He handed me the cup of water but didn't totally let go of it as I drank.

Bahagyang gumaan ang pakiramdam ko matapos uminom. I remained seated on the bed, my back was leaning on a pillow, as I looked at his crestfallen expression. Hawak na muli niya ang kamay ko na animong iyon na lamang ang pinagkakapitan niya.

"Why are you still here?" My voice was hoarse when I spoke.

"How are you feeling? Are you hungry? Anong gusto mong kainin?"

Marahan akong umiling sa mga tanong niya.

Gumalaw ang panga niya ngunit nanatiling malumanay ang boses. "Alright."

"Are you even sleeping?"

He fell silent for a while, his eyes drifted back to our hands and continued staring at it. Nang pinisil ko ang palad niya'y dahan-dahan muli siyang nag-angat ng tingin sa akin.

"Go home and get some rest," sabi ko sa nanghihinang tinig. "I'll be fine."

Muling umigting ang panga niya. "I'll stay here."

"Rence..."

"Dito lang ako, Eunice. Hindi ako aalis."

Nanatili lamang akong nakatingin sa kaniya at hindi nagsalita. Natuon muli ang tingin niya sa mga palad namin.

"Then at least have some rest."

"I'm sorry..."

Muli akong natahimik sa bigla niyang sinabi.

"I know I promised you... and I'm trying not to break it... believe me, Cee, I'm really trying..." May kirot na nagdaan sa dibdib ko nang marinig ang pagkakabasag ng boses niya.

My eyes watered at the sight of him all dejected. At alam ko naman na sinusubukan niya talaga. Nararamdaman ko naman na gusto talaga niyang magbago. It was just so hard to trust him fully again because of the countless times he'd broken it. At hindi ko na sigurado kung kaya ko pa bang ibigay ang tiwala ko sa kaniya nang buo. Dahil sa tuwing sinisira niya iyon, kasama rin ako nitong nawawasak. And I didn't know if loving could still be enough to mend it.

Matagal kaming binalot ng katahimikan nang hindi na siya muling umimik. I didn't know what to say at lalong ayaw kong magtalo kami kaya't hindi na lang din ako nagsalita. I was also feeling tired both physical and emotional. Gusto ko na lang na magpahinga at pakiramdam ko'y kaya kong gawin iyon sa loob ng isang buong buwan.

This cheating issue between us had been dragging for a seemingly long time. Pagod na akong pag-usapan pa ito. Ang importante lang sa akin ngayon ay ang malamang hindi siya nasaktan ni Cedric...

Tila may pisi akong nadanggil nang may maalala.

"Where's Cedric? What happened to him?"

"Cedric?"

"Nahuli ba siya? How did you stop him?" Ang namumuong tensyon sa akin ay napalitan ng kalituhan dahil sa sunod niyang sinabi.

"Who's Cedric?"

I was about to say something but my words had been caught up in my throat.

Natuon ang buong atensyon niya sa akin. "Is he the Ced you're talking about? Was he there?"

Mas lalo akong naguluhan. Ang panlalamig ay nagsisimula nang gumapang sa sikmura ko. "Hindi mo siya nakita? He was practically about to stab you to death. Paanong-"

"What are you talking about?" Kumunot ang noo niya. "Tayong dalawa lang ang naro'n sa balcony."

"What?" Walang humor ang tawa ko at halos mapaahon pa sa pagkakasandal. The cold from my gut started to scatter and surge through my veins. Lips agape, my hands trembled. "Nando'n si Cedric... I saw him with my own eyes! He was holding a cutter pointed at my face! You went out-"

"Eunice."

"He was distracted by your presence and tried to attack you!"

"Eunice!"

"I was scared for your life that's why I shoved him away!"

"Cee, calm down... please, calm down."

Hawak na niya ang magkabila kong braso at noon ko lang natantong hinihingal na ako at tuloy-tuloy na ang tulo ng luha ko. Hindi magkamayaw ang paghataw ng puso ko sa 'di maipaliwanag na gulilat habang inaalala ang nangyari.

"Sigurado ako sa nakita ko. Naro'n siya. Nakita ko siya. Matagal na siyang nagmamasid. Matagal na niya akong sinusundan." Nasapo ko ng palad ang kumawalang mga hikbi. "Gusto niya akong saktan... papatayin niya ako... papatayin ka rin niya... hindi ko alam kung bakit... ang sabi niya pareho kami ng gusto pero hindi... hindi ko alam..."

"Cee, look at me." Sinapo ni Terrence ang magkabila kong pisngi at maigi akong tinitigan diretso sa mga mata. "No one's trying to hurt you... it's okay, you're all right. I'm here, I won't leave you. Whoever that Cedric was, I won't let him hurt you while I'm here." Maingat niyang pinalis ng hinlalaki ang mga luha sa pisngi kong tuloy-tuloy sa pagtulo. "You don't have to be scared, I'm right here."

All of a sudden, a familiar laugh resounded in the room.

Mula sa gilid ng mga mata'y natanaw ko ang isang pamilyar na pigura. It was Cedric. He was standing a few metres away behind Terrence, wearing the same blood stained black pullover hoodie. Unti-unting umangat ang isang sulok ng mga labi niya habang ipinapaling patagilid ang ulo nang magtama ang mga mata namin.

Walang habas na nagtindigan ang mga balahibo sa buo kong katawan. Sa namimilog na mata ay halos mapabalikwas ako sa kama at dali-daling napasigaw. Habol ko ang hininga nang maituro ko siya gamit ang nanginginig na daliri.

"What are you-why are you here?! 'Wag kang lumapit! Stay away from me! Get the fuck out of here! Go! Go away!"

Hindi ko naramdaman ang sakit nang marahas kong hinugot ang nakakonektang IV sa kaliwa kong kamay dala ng panic. Para akong binanlian ng mainit na tubig nang maramdaman ang mabilis na pagdaloy ng init sa katawan. Ang pamumuo ng mga butil ng pawis sa noo ay ramdam ko na.

"Eunice, no! No!"

I tried to get up from bed but Terrence was quick to yank me back. Dala ng panghihina ay madali niya akong napigilan at napanatili roon sa kabila ng pagpupumiglas ko. I heard him talking on the intercom while trying to seize me with his arms.

"NO! GO AWAY!" buong puso kong sigaw sa ngayo'y humahakbang nang palapit na si Cedric. Ang magkabila niyang palad ay nakabaon sa unahang bulsa ng suot na pullover. "Don't come near me! You fucking creep! Stay the fuck away!"

"Cee, you need to calm down, please..." Humigpit ang pagbalot ng mga braso ni Terrence sa akin at paulit-ulit itong sinabi sa mahinahon ngunit nahihirapang tinig, "Calm down, please, calm down..."

Nanatiling nakatayo si Cedric sa dulo ng kama at nakatingin sa akin, tila nasisiyahan sa napapanood. Grinning, a long, sickening giggle resounded from his blood-stained lopsided mouth.

Para akong malalagutan ng hininga sa malakas na kalampag ng dibdib. Patuloy pa rin ako sa pagwawala at hindi ko na maorganisa ang nasa isip nang sunod-sunod at naghahadaling pumasok ang ilang nurse sa kwarto.

Panay ang sigaw at pumiglas, unti-unting nanlabo ang paningin ko. Nauubusan ng lakas at tuluyang nawawalan ng kamalayan, huli kong nakita ang paghakbang palapit ni Cedric mula sa likod ni Terrence.

"No..."

Tumakas ang mga hikbi sa pagitan ng mga labi ko at pilit na nilabanan ang paghila ng antok. Sinubukan kong umiling, nakikiusap. Ang boses ko'y tila nasa kweba sa pandinig ko.

"Please, no..."

Umiikot ang lahat nang huli kong makita ang pagsunggab ng sakal ni Cedric kay Terrence.

A few days after slightly recovering from my injuries, my GP referred me to a consultant psychiatrist-which I strongly refused to do an interview with. Because I wasn't crazy. So what was the need to talk to a psychiatrist?

Not until I saw how worried and dejected my parents had been because of the incident-and mostly with my condition. Upsetting them was the last thing I wanted. Kaya't kahit natatakot sa maaaring kahinatnan ay pumayag ako sa huli at sinubok iyon.

I was looking at space and feeling withdrawn when I heard a calm voice.

"Can you tell me about him?"

Dahan-dahan ko siyang nilingon at pinagmasdan nang mabuti.

Him?

Bumagsak ang mga mata ko sa sariling mga palad. Slowly, I was reminded of countless glimpses and scattered memories of him. Tila karera iyong umandar sa isip ko hanggang sa hindi ko na mawari kung anong unang sasabihin.

Suminghap ako at dahan-dahang nag-angat muli ng tingin sa kaniya. Isang nakapapanatag na ngiti ang isinalubong niya sa akin.

"I... I don't know where to start." Ramdam ang pag-init ng magkabilang sulok ng mga mata, nagbitiw ako ng tingin at pinisil ang mga daliring nasa kandungan.

It had been weeks since I last talked about him because I was scared to bring him up with anyone. But right then, my fear had doubled.

"How long have you known him?"

"We... we were acquainted after he shifted course on our college... this sophomore year..."

"And how long has it been since?"

"Uhm... three... maybe four months-almost."

"You said you were acquainted?"

"Yes..."

"When did you start regarding him as a friend? And what is he like?"

I told her in detail about the first conversation Cedric and I had after we went back from our club's event-and the following instances that we talked. How we contrast each other's personalities. Until it ended with that night at Varitas. Kasama roon ang issue sa relasyon namin ni Terrence dahil iyon ang pinag-ugatan ng lahat kaya't kinailangan ko ring sabihin.

Sinabi ko ang mga iyon sa pagitan ng pag-iyak dahil nang mabalikan ko ang lahat ng iyon ay noon ko lang natanto-na may parte pa rin sa aking hirap paniwalaan ang mga nangyari.

She listened attentively and all the while, I was desperate for someone to validate that everything that happened was true... but...

"You said you tried to push him away from Terrence on the resto bar's balcony?"

Tahimik na humihikbi, tumango ako. "He was h-holding a cutter and was about to hurt Terrence... I was so scared for him... I-I panicked and..."

"Right. That might have been a terrifying experience for you. But Terrence said he didn't see anyone there aside from the both of you, is that correct?"

May pagdadalawang-isip akong tumango. "Yes... Terrence said that..."

"That means Terrence saw you throwing yourself on the stairs."

Sandali akong natigilan. May lamig na lumulukob sa sikmura.

"No... I saw him... I saw Cedric. He was there." Paulit-ulit ang iling ko. Hindi na ako mapakali sa kinauupuan. Ang kanina ko pang mariin na pagpisil sa mga daliri ay hindi ko na halos alintana. "It felt too real to not be true."

She gave me an affectionate nod.

"Have you seen Cedric talk to other students?" Nanatiling kalmado at magaan ang boses niya, kasalungat ng pagsisimula ng taranta sa sistema ko. "Did he have any friends aside from you?"

I held my breath. Binalikan ko ang lahat ng interaksyon namin ngunit wala ni isa roon ang natatandaan kong may kinausap siya o nilapitan... bukod sa akin.

"Are you suggesting that Cedric isn't real?" wala sa sarili kong anas. "How could that be? Nakikita ko siya, nararamdaman ko siya... the text! We have a conversation on my phone! He's even renting the room next to mine back at my apartment! Because he's been stalking me..."

Sa malamlam na mga mata ay matagal akong pinagmasdang maigi ng doktor. She let the silence between us ensued for a few jiffy to let me gather my thoughts and calm myself.

Then she asked, "Did he tell you his last name?"

Tila naubusan ng lakas, napasandal ako sa inuupuan at tahimik na pinakiramdaman ang paglandas ng mga luha sa pisngi.

"He... he didn't... I don't know... I don't know his last name..."

"Alright. Have you been feeling withdrawn and afraid during these times?"

Pagkapalis ng mga luha ay dahan-dahan akong tumango. "Yes... I was feeling a bit withdrawn and... something... I felt like someone's after me... following me... watching me... which turned out to be Cedric."

"And how did you confirm it was him?"

"He told me... that night at the resto bar."

"Alright. How was your study? Are you skipping classes or any school works lately?"

"No, but I-I think I've been wanting to skip some classes. I... I did it once-not attending school for a day."

"I see. How about your physical body? Did you notice any changes on it recently?"

Umiling ako.

"How about medicines? Have you been taking any?"

Muli akong umiling. "Aside from some vitamins, no... I haven't."

"Okay. Did you have any record of violence or criminal record?"

"No... I don't... I'm not... I'm not that kind of person..."

"Alright."

Tulala ako nang matapos ang interview. Marami pang naging tanong sa akin ang doktor-karamihan ay tungkol sa family history ko. Ngunit ang mga panghuling salitang binitiwan niya'y paulit-ulit na umalingawngaw sa isip ko-na sa kung anong dahilan ay hindi ko magawang intindihin ilang beses ko mang ulit-uliting balikan.

"You have both positive and negative symptoms of schizophrenia. Those delusions, paranoia together with hallucinations goes with the positive while the feeling of being socially withdrawn and a lack of interest falls under the negative symptoms. But since it's only been going on for almost four months, we can't say yet that it's schizophrenia. Prior to this interview, I already talked to some people close to you.

"And as an initial diagnosis, Miss Laxamana, you have schizophreniform disorder with good prognostic features-it's qualified as provisional since we can't be sure yet if you would recover from the disturbance within the six-month period.

"Schizophreniform has the same symptoms as schizophrenia but it only have a shorter occurrence-which is at least a month but not exceeding to six months. Hence, your case. And though the prognosis of some of these cases eventually develop as schizophrenia, it could still be managed by medications to prevent a possible relapse.

"Frankly saying, early diagnosis of this disorder is quite unlikely because most of the patient only went here when their condition got all out of hand. You were considered quite lucky to have the courage to set foot and go here.

"So this is what happens-I would be prescribing antipsychotics medication for you in order to control your symptoms."

"What... what do you mean... hallucination... delusions? I don't... I don't think I understand..."

Schizophrenia? Those people who have it were crazy, weren't they?

Marahan niya akong tinapunan ng tingin matapos magsulat sa clipboard. "Cedric is not real. He was just a product of your hallucinations together with the voices talking ill about you that you frequently hear."

Umiling ako ngunit hindi nakapagsalita.

What the hell? I'm not crazy!

"And based on what you told me, I think this Cedric manifested because of your lack of will to end your relationship with Terrence. He mirrored your alter ego in order to talk some sense to you and lead you to a decision to finally break up with your boyfriend."

I kept silent. Unable to move or to even breathe properly.

"Alter egos are also called the other 'I'. It is a person's alternate personality that is believed to be distinct from a person's original personality-and I believed Cedric completely embodied yours."