"Did you follow me?"

He didn't answer.

Hindi ko pa napangalanan agad ang mga emosyong umatake sa akin nang magsimula siyang humakbang palapit.

"Anong ginagawa mo rito, Cedric?" Pinagmasdan ko nang mabuti ang pagtayo niya sa harapan ko, arguing with myself if I would freak out or hear him out first.

The corner of his lips rose for a lazy smirk. Bahagya niyang inginuso ang phone ko matapos. "You didn't reply."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Why the hell would you follow me here?"

Balewala siyang nagkibit-balikat. Sa sarkastiko at may panunuyang tinig ay sinabi niya ito, "Do you prefer me approaching you while you're with Terrence, then?"

He chuckled but there was no humor laced in it. Mariin ang sunod niyang titig sa akin at ang pang-aakusa ay unti-unting bumabalatay sa ekspresyon.

"Guess your cool-off's really done, huh? How sure are you that he change for good this time?"

"We're trying to work it out," matabang kong tugon.

"He slept in your apartment last night, didn't he?" Sinundan ng isang matigas na tango ang pag-igting ng panga niya. "I can see how he's all over you all the time. Going strong, ah? Gaano kaya magtatagal?"

Napabuntonghininga ako sa pagsuko.

Fine. I'd been wanting to talk to him about this too.

Magsasalita na sana ako ngunit natigilan nang magsimulang pumatak ang ulan.

"Let's talk somewhere."

Tinakbo ko ang pinakamalapit na pwedeng silungan. Cedric followed me until I entered a nearby café. Bilang lang ang tao roon kaya't tanging mahinang background music lang sa café at tunog ng ulan sa labas ang rinig.

The place looked murky with the dark enveloping the street outside. Patay pa ang karamihan sa mga ilaw sa loob ng café dahil tanghali pa lang kaya't medyo madilim din. The air was dry inside too.

Binilan ko si Cedric ng frappe kahit hindi siya sumagot nang tinanong ko kung ano ang gusto niya.

"I decided to give Terrence a last chance."

He scoffed. "Lucky bastard."

"I don't know about you but I believe that everybody deserves a chance." I looked at him from across the table.

Nanatili siyang tamad na nakasandal sa kinauupuan at hindi nagbago ang sarkastikong ekspresyon.

"Too many chances at that, Eunice. Sigurado ka bang hindi mo 'yan pagsisisihan?"

Bumagsak ang mga mata ko sa sariling cup ng frappe bago dahan-dahang umiling. Habang pinakikinggan ang kalmadong musika kasabay ng pagbuhos ng ulan sa basa nang kalsada ay marahan ko itong sinabi, "My dad had an affair with a girl the same age as my older brother... my mom knew about it but didn't do anything. It's not that it was okay for her, she just didn't know how to stop him."

Nanatiling tahimik si Cedric kaya't nagpatuloy ako.

"Hanggang sa nag-uwi ng girlfriend si Kuya para ipakilala sa amin... and you know what's fucked up? My dad's mistress turned out to be my brother's girlfriend. We didn't know it at the time but there was something strange about the two of them all the while when she's there. Lalo na nang nagalit si Dad at nagtalo sila ng kapatid ko pagkatapos... I remember them having a huge fight that night that my dad ended up punching Euan.

"I was fifteen then and I had no idea what they were fighting about. Lumayas si Kuya nang gabing 'yon at hindi na siya umapak pa ulit sa bahay.

"My brother and I aren't that close like other siblings—or should I say, we used to be but not anymore. I remember hanging out with him when I was a kid. But when he entered junior high, things got different—we stopped talking. Just like that. We got awkward with each other since. It felt like he was caging himself away from us and honestly, I didn't know how to talk to him... it sucks now that I think about it because I wish I tried."

I pressed my fingers resting on the table as I drew out a breath.

"Magulo sa bahay nang gabing nagtalo sila at pagkatapos n'on, halos gabi-gabi ko nang naririnig sina Mommy at Daddy na nag-aaway. Little did I know, that that night was the last time I'll get to see my brother... or at least when he was still alive.

"It was suicide.

"I didn't know the exact details that caused it to happen at the time... Nalaman ko lang ang tungkol sa girlfriend niya nang burol niya... most of his friends were regretful because they know that my brother has been battling depression for a long time and it's finally got the best of him... it scarred me for life because just like them, I couldn't do anything for Euan too. I put all the blame on my father because I needed to point a finger to someone else...

"My family was kinda fucked up. But Euan's death triggered a change in all of us. Dad has been faithful since—or at least he's trying to be. Both of them has been very supportive of me as well. I still have a hard time understanding people but I'm trying..."

Mahabang sandaling binalot ng paglukob ng ulan sa labas at mahinang musika sa loob ng café ang hangin sa pagitan namin. I stared at the soaked gloomy street as the hurricane cast on its rage. Tila ito na ang nagbuhos ng galit para sa magkakahalong emosyong lumiligid ngayon sa sikmura ko. And for some reason, it calmed me.

"I love Terrence... and if giving him this last chance is all it's gonna take to make him change for good, then..." Binalingan ko ang tahimik pa ring si Cedric. "Tataya ako."

Wala nang bakas ng kasarkastikuhan ang ekspresyon niya nang magtama ang tingin namin.

"Stupid as it might sound to you, but for me, some people deserve to have another chance... especially those I care about."

"It's still stupid. But if that's what you believe, then okay." He finally spoke with a humorous smirk curving up across his face.

Natagpuan ko na lamang ang sariling nakangisi pabalik sa kaniya. Not that I found it funny, I just didn't give a damn about how others view my opinion with the matter. Like I said, I'd been trying to be understanding. At parte niyon ang hindi pagkakaroon ng expectations na mabibigyan iyon nang maganda o parehong sukli ng ibang tao.

Nagpaiwan si Cedric doon nang magpaalam ako pagkatapos kumalma ng langit. I felt somewhat lighter after talking to him. I was also glad to know that he cared about me enough to even follow me here just to talk.

Terrence:

You home?

You:

Yea

I had to stop by for a while inabutan ako ng ulan

Terrence:

Umuulan pa rin dyan?

You:

Not anymore. Did it rain there?

Terrence:

It's just starting to

Should I bring wine with me tomorrow?

You:

Dad would love that

Natagpuan ko ang sariling nakangiti dahil sa simpleng usapan namin. Everything seemed to be settling in and I couldn't be as content as I was right then.

"Hey." Isang ngiti ang sinalubong ko kay Terrence nang makita ko siyang patungo sa main door, Sunday ng tanghali.

May hawak siyang bouquet ng white carnations sa isang kamay at pahabang paper bag para sa wine naman sa kabila.

Ibinalik niya ang ngiti ko, his eyes then fixed on me as he strode closer. Wearing a black button down shirt paired with dark jeans and his usual black sneakers, illuminating his deep-set eyes—everything about him screamed peril but anyone still found themselves transfixed, like a willing victim.

"How's your trip?"

"Fine... but mostly, I was missing you the whole ride," he whispered, then planted a soft kiss on my cheek. "You look beautiful."

With a white halter lace dress I was sporting beside him, we contrast yet highlight each other at the same time.

"Thanks. You look good too." I chuckled before letting him in.

"Terrence! I'm glad you made it here, hijo."

Sandaling nakakwentuhan ito ni Mommy na sinundan na rin ni Daddy. They'd known Terrence since we were in senior high at noon pa man ay boto na sila sa kaniya. Well, part of it was because, out of all my suitors, no one thought to court my too parents like Rence did.

He was consistent for a year when he courted me on twelfth grade. Every weekend, he would drop by our house to ask my parents if he could take me out on a date—enduring the two hours trip every week for a year without a miss.

He would also visit my home room at random times just to say hi or give me something. Calling and texting me for updates without a single day delay. Surprising me with a flower or a gift or anything when I didn't expect it. He was so open about it that there was no soul in our campus who didn't know he was courting me—I remembered it now.

I really liked him then that was why I gave him my answer the summer before college. Our first six months together was like a scene out of a romantic movie. Until I caught him kissing another girl. Or calling them with an obvious intent to flirt or whatever.

Malambing siya tuwing pagkatapos ko siyang mahuhuli. But after just a month or so, makikita ko ulit siyang may nilalanding iba. It became repetitive that at some point, it made me numb.

Was I so sentimental that I couldn't bring myself to break up with him? O masyado ko siyang minahal? Did I hold on to the version of him that I fell in love with?

Maybe.

But what made this time different was that I could really see that he wanted to change his ways. Sira na ang tiwala ko sa kaniya dahil sa ilang beses niyang panloloko pero mas nananaig pa rin sa akin ang pag-asa. I didn't need anyone to tell me how stupid that was because I was well aware myself how so.

The day went well. 'Di tulad ng unang death anniversary ni Euan, mas open na kami ngayong pag-usapan ang tungkol sa kaniya. The years had taught us to accept some things that hurt. It was a process but it was worth it.

Sabay na kaming bumyahe ni Terrence pabalik pagpatak ng gabi. Past ten na nang maihatid niya ako sa apartment. He jokingly offered to stay which I immediately declined.

My doubts are starting to stray when nothing unusual happened on the following days. Naging abala ako para sa preparations ng upcoming foundation week. Malapit na rin ang midterm exams kaya itinuon ko ang atensyon sa pagre-review.

"Good evening po."

"Hello, hija. How's your parents? You know what, I'm thinking we should do a family dinner together. What do you think, Rence?"

Pareho kaming natahimik ni Terrence sa tanong ng mommy niya, isang beses ng inimbitahan ako nito sa usual Sunday family dinner nila. Hindi ako umuwi ng linggong 'yon dahil nahihiya akong humindi kay Tita. Minsan lang din kasi itong mag-invite ng ganito.

"Mamamanhikan na ba?" salubong na biro ni Tito habang bumababa ng hagdan. Tulad ni Tita ay nakapormal din ito sa suot na putting button down.

"O bakit? Aren't you two dating with marriage in mind?" ani Tita sabay taas ng kilay at pamaywang sa amin.

Tito chuckled while Terrence and I exchanged awkward glances.

"We're not in a rush, Mom."

O ako lang talaga ang nakakaramdam ng awkwardness dahil may sumusupil na ring ngiti sa labi niya.

"He's right. Bata pa naman po kami. There's enough time to think about it po," sabi ko na lang.

Kunwaring sumimangot si Tita sa turan ko. "Alright, then."

It was a relief to know that both our parents were supportive of us, sa kabila ng hindi nila pagiging aware sa mga personal na issue sa relasyon namin. Pero bukod sa estado namin ngayon, malayo pa ang isip ko para sa hinaharap, lalo na ang tungkol sa kasal. I still have my future ahead of me.

Tinitignan ko isa-isa ang mga picture frames na naka-display sa pader at estante nila nang matapos ang dinner. Marami ang naro'n. Mula nang bata pa lang ang mommy at daddy niya pati na si Terrence. May ilang pictures na kuha sa sari-saring lugar o bansa. Mayro'n ding iba't ibang events na mga sinalihan ni Rence magmula grade school.

Ngunit may isa roong natatanging picture na kuha sa tapat ng isang bahay kung saan kasama ang kambal niya. It was only the two of them together, both wearing a dark blue jumpsuit while sitting on the three steps front porch. Terrence was looking straight to the camera with his head lazily propped on one hand.

Contrary to his nonchalance, his twin was smiling brightly beside him, showing all of his front teeth while covering both eyes with a single hand, the other one was lying on Rence's shoulder.

Hindi ko napigilan ang gumuhit na ngiti. They looked really close. I wonder what Ainsley would be like if he was still alive—pati na si Euan.

"What are you smiling about?"

Naligaw ang atensyon ko nang maramdaman ang pamilyar na kamay na humawak sa baywang ko.

"Are you laughing at my childhood pictures?" Ngumisi siya sa akin matapos sulyapan ang mga frame.

Ibinalik ko ang ngiti niya. "Napansin ko lang, you had no family picture together with your twin."

"Yeah." Napawi ang ngisi niya sa turan ko at muling nagbalik ng tingin sa mga pictures. "Ang bata pa niya nang mangyari ang aksidente kaya hindi na namin nagawa 'yon kasama siya."

Nagtagal ang tingin ko sa kaniya nang makita kong bumalatay ang lungkot sa ekspresyon niya. He really loved his twin brother.

Isang beses ay nakasalubong ko si Cali sa hallway kasama ang isang babaeng hindi pamilyar sa akin. I gave him a small smile and wasn't planning to do small talks when he grabbed my attention.

"Hey, Eunice."

Huminto ako para lingunin siya. Like usual, his smiling face welcomed me.

"Yes?"

"I was just thinking if maybe you want to hang out with us at Varitas later after your classes?"

Varitas was a resto bar with a live band where they frequent.

May halong pagtataka ko siyang sinipat. Kailan pa nila ako natutunang ayain sa mga lakad nila? Sure, I hung out with them but I was always with Rence. Or... "I don't think I can make it but I'll ask Rence if he wants to come."

Kinagat niya ang labi, ang ngisi roon ay nanatili. "That's the thing. He doesn't want to go unless you come. Hindi ko alam kung napapansin mo pero madalang na siyang sumama sa 'min nitong mga nakakaraan." Malisyoso siyang ngumisi. "Masyado na yata kayong nagiging abala sa isa't isa."

"You should come, Eunice." Hindi ko malaman kung lambing ba o tudyo ang nahimigan ko sa boses ng babaeng kasama niya nang sinabi ito. She was looking at me with a sly smirk on her face. I didn't like it.

I gave him a distant smile. "I'll see what I can do to convince him to come without me, Cal. I have things to do so I'll go ahead."

Nakita ko ang kaunting dismaya ang ekspresyon niya bago dahan-dahang tumango sa akin. Ang babae naman ay pinagtaasan ako ng kilay, na siyang binalewala ko lang. A smile was still plastered on Cali's face until I turned my back on them.

Malapit na ako sa parking space kung saan naghihintay si Terrence nang maaninag ko ang taong sumabay sa aking maglakad. Dalawang beses akong napasulyap dito habang naglalakad para lang makasigurado dahil may kadiliman na ang daan.

"Don't you find Terrence's sudden change suspicious?"

It had been more than a month since I decided to give him a last chance. So far, he hadn't given me anything to doubt him with. And I have to admit, ang mga pagdududa at alinlangan ko sa kaniya'y unti-unti nang nalulusaw.

Isang liko bago ang parking space at huminto ako ng lakad para lang harapin si Cedric. Kumislot ang ilaw ng lamppost na kulang sampung metro ang layo mula sa amin.

What did he mean I should suspect him? "He's changing and that's all that matters."

Nakahinto na rin siya at ngayo'y nakatingin sa akin. I could almost picture the look of pity he wore on his expression despite the darkness when I heard his voice dripping with it. "Ganoon lang kadali?"

My gut went numb.

"It's a process." Muntik nang nilipad kasabay ng malamig hangin ang boses ko sa hina. Ang hawak ko sa mga librong dala'y humigpit.

"Oh, the things we do for love." Dahan-dahan siyang umiling, ang isang makahulugang ngisi ay aninag kong sumisibol na sa mga labi niya kaakibat ng diilm.

I felt uneasy all of a sudden. Matapos ang ilang araw ng kapanatagan ay heto at inaatake na naman ako ng mga pangamba. Para bang may isang importanteng bagay akong nakalimutang alalahanin at gawin. Isang salitang nagbara sa dulo ng dila at hindi magawang imutawi.

My head was then spinning with so many thoughts—it made me restless. I felt like running and doing something but I didn't know exactly what is. In that single frame of time, everything felt like crumbling in front of me. It felt like I wasn't in control. There was something wrong—I did something wrong but I couldn't point what it was.

The familiar unsettling fear crawled in my skin as my heart started pounding erratically against my chest.

Whenever I saw or talk to Cedric, lagi na lang ganito ang nararamdaman ko. Who was he anyway to tell me those things? He'd become my friend and I know he cared for me but...

"What's in it for you?" hindi ko napigilan ang bakas ng duda sa boses nang tahimik ko itong naimutawi.

Bahagyang namilog ang mga mata niya, kasabay ng pagbalatay ng humor sa boses. "Nothing... haven't I told you? I'm at your side from the beginning, Eunice."

I tried to breathe despite the harsh beating in my chest.

"Why?" Nanginig ang boses ko sa turan.

There was something unnerving about him. Napansin ko na iyon noon pa man ngunit binalewala. But right then... I wasn't sure anymore if I could still ignore it.

Hindi siya sumagot. He just stood there and smiled wider at me in silence.

"Why do you care so much about me?" I pressed.

"Eunice?"

Wala sa oras akong napalingon sa pinanggalingan ng boses. Terrence's brows were in a deep furrow as he slowly paced through the paved road towards me.

Animong nag-ugat ang mga paa ko sa kinatatayuan. Ang kaba ko'y dumoble habang pinanonood ang paglapit niya. Sa namimilog na mata at nanlalamig na sikmura ay hindi ko napakawalan ang hininga.

"Who are you talking to?"