**TRIGGER WARNING** This chapter deals with addiction relapse. Reader discretion is advised.

I'd say sorry but being sorry is such a waste of time

From the song Remorseful [Not Really]

Lyrics by: Orion Bauwens

"Where have you been?! You didn't show up to the last meeting, I called you at least twenty-six times, I texted you a million times, and you didn't respond to anything!"

"M'sorry," I mumble into the phone.

"I was starting to think about calling the cops and filing a missing persons report! You really scared me Orion."

"M'sorry I said."

"Sorry isn't good enough! If you're just going to ghost on me like that I need your contacts, someone I can get a hold of in case of an emergency. Do you understand me young man?!"

"Yes ma'am."

A pause. Then the voice on the other end is less frantic. "So, where have you been?"

I don't answer.

"Orion?"

"I'm drunk."

"Oh for--"

"Minnesota."

"Minnesota?! What are you doing there?!"

"I found my birth mother."

Heather doesn't respond for a while. I wish she would say something. I'm flat on my back on the hotel bed. My glasses are off and the room is spinning. Her talking was helping to stop the room from moving. I wish she'd hurry up and say something before I puke.

"You're adopted?"

Finally! "Yup."

"I'm guessing the reunion didn't go well?"

"No no, it went perfectly. Much better than I thought it would. Surprised me, really."

A pause. "So then why are you drunk?"

I sigh heavily. "I d'no."

"Well, figure it out," she says dryly.

"Being a human being is hard."

"I'll give you that."

"I mean...'M happy I found her, and I'm happy she's not a complete cunt. Didja know she has three other kids?"

A chuckle. "No, Orion, I didn't know that your birth mother has three other children."

"Yeah neither did I!"

Another snicker.

"But yeah, I apparently have two brothers and a sister. They're younger. And her husband died. And she wants me to meet them. My brothers and sister I mean, I can't meet her husband on accounta 'im being dead and six feet under and everything."

A loud, dramatic sigh.

"But yeah. Apparently once her kids--I mean her other kids not me--"

"Jesus Orion..."

"--were old enough she told them about me, and she always said a day might come where she'd want me to meet them. I mean they meet me. Both?"

Another sigh. "How much have you drank, Orion?"

"Uhhh... only three beers."

"And you're this drunk?"

"Well, yeah. I'mean, between that I haven't drank in awhile, and I haven't eaten much, and the meds I'm on--"

"Oh shit, Orion! I forgot you're on psych meds! Is there anyone with you?!"

"No."

"You're an imbecile! You're not supposed to drink on those! Hold on, let me grab one of my old med textbooks."

I moan. "I'm fine Heather..."

"Shuddup." I hear a lot of shuffling, and then, "What meds are you on?"

"Uh... Zoloft and then Klonopin."

A long pause and I can hear pages turning frantically. Then, "Have you taken the Klonopin?"

"No. Even though my anxiety was bad I didn't wanna be tired for when I met my mom."

She sighs. "Okay...do NOT drink if you take a Klonopin, okay? I mean, you shouldn't be drinking anyway, but especially with the Klonopin." She sounds relieved. "You're going to be okay."

I giggle. "I know. Relax, Heather!"

"You're an ass, you know that?"

"Hold on, I gotta puke."

A very deep, long sigh. As I rush away I hear her say, "Don't forget I'm on the phone when you get back..."

After a minute I'm back. "Hey. Sorry. Didn't forget about you."

"Gee, thanks..."

"I'm just overwhelmed, yaknow?"

"Just because you're overwhelmed doesn't mean you have to get drunk, Orion."

"I didn't know what else to do," I say honestly. "I mean, I'm here by myself--"

"That was really stupid for you to go by yourself."

"I didn't want to bother anyone."

An annoyed sigh, and then, "Oh sweetie, you're not a bother."

I sniff. "But that's what I've felt like my entire life. My adoptive parents always made me feel like I wasn't good enough, that I was just in the way. That I had fucked up their dreams, their happiness."

"Orion--that's on them, not you. Only you are in charge of your own happiness. If they were shitty enough to blame their shortcomings on kid-you, then that's on them."

"My reflection makes me sick because all I see is a snot-nosed ungrateful kid who fucked up two people's lives."

"I can't imagine you ever being ungrateful for anything, Orion."

Another sniff. "They told me that I was. I tried to be grateful."

"It sounds like they felt entitled, like you and the world owed them something. It's a horribly narrow-minded outlook. And once again you can't blame yourself for that. Especially because you were a kid and were dependent on them."

I sniff and wipe my nose on my sleeve. "My mom--my real mom, the one I met today--made me feel welcome. She made me feel wanted. She didn't want me to feel like a discarded piece of trash she had thrown away. We're gonna have a good relationship."

"Orion...are you crying?"

"Y-yeah..."

"Oh sweetie. I'm sorry I can't be there."

"I found out what my name means. She wanted me to be strong like Orion from Roman mythology."

"Greek. But yes, that's really sweet."

"And I failed her without even meaning to because I'm not strong at all."

I completely break down. As I cry, Heather doesn't say anything. I don't know if she doesn't know what to say, or if she knew in that moment remaining silent was exactly what I wanted and needed. When I calm down a bit, she speaks.

"Are you going to be okay?"

"Y-yeah..."

"If you need anything, call me back, okay?"

"I won't--it's so late--"

"Hey, I'm your sponsor. It's what I signed up for. Call me, okay?"

"I will. I think I'll be okay though."

"Call me in the morning as soon as you wake up so I know you're okay, got it?"

"I will."

"And next time instead of cracking open a bottle call me, got it?"

"Got it."

"I'm serious, Orion."

"I know."

"Hey Orion?"

"Yeah Heather?"

"I'm really disappointed in you."

Before I can say anything, she hangs up. Sighing, I press the phone against my forehead and close my eyes.

I'm disappointed in myself, too.