Float in the atmosphere

Watch the purple streak bye

Maggots on the sky-streaked knives

A reset of character would be a welcome storm

The gluttonous differential

--From the song Differential Lane

Lyrics By: Orion Bauwens

"I'd like to take some time off, guys."

It's Jake, Ben, and myself. I've asked them for this meeting. It's the following day. After our talk, Tristan and I had returned to my house where he spent the night. He's still there; my band and I are in Ben's house right now, drinking tea. (Ben's choice. Yeah, Ben's weird.)

"Sure," Jake says.

"Of course," Ben agrees.

I let out a deep sigh. "You guys are great."

"What," Jake replies, eyes twinkling, "you think we'd fight you on that?"

"We've been touring almost non-stop for two years," says Ben. "I think we all could use a break."

Now comes the more difficult parts of why I wanted to talk to them. I scratch the back of my head. "I need help convincing Gloria."

Ben chuckles. "I kinda doubt after everything you've been through lately she's going to need any convincing."

"Y-yeah," I agree. I hadn't thought of that.

I put my head down, interlace my fingers, and stare at my palms. An uncomfortable silence settles over the room. I can hear a clock clicking somewhere. I enjoy rhythmic, constant sounds. The repetition soothes me.

"Ori?" Jake asks.

"Erm. I have-I have something to ask you guys."

"Of course."

"Well, a favor really."

"In case ya haven't noticed by now," Ben states with a chuckle, "we'd do just about anything for you, buddy."

I suck in a deep breath and close my eyes. Even getting my tongue to wrap around the words is difficult. I don't want to say it. I don't want to do it. But I've been told I have to.

"I want to go to Michigan."

Silence.

"I mean, I don't want to, I kinda have to."

Still nothing, so I open my eyes. I can't read either of their faces, and it makes me uncomfortable.

"I was wondering--well, hoping--well, actually kind of maybe begging--"

"For us to come with?" Ben asks.

"Of course," Jake agrees without even knowing if that's actually what I mean.

"Yeah; when do you want to leave?" Ben asks.

I let out my breath, my breath I didn't even realize I had been holding. I manage a small smile. "Why are you guys the best?"

Ben grins. "Because you're the best?"

I know arguing will do nothing, so I merely grin back and shake my head slightly. "Also there's one more thing."

"Shoot," Jake says, leaning back.

"Uh...would either of you mind if I bring Tristan?"

Ben raises his one eyebrow. "Not at all..."

"But?" I finish for Ben.

"What's going on with you two? Are you seeing each other, or...?"

"I'm not sure, honestly. We haven't really labeled anything."

"So just a fuck-buddy for now?"

"No! No, we haven't done anything yet."

Jake and Ben look at each other.

"What?" I ask irritably.

Jake looks at me, eyes twinkling. "It's just usually the second you like someone you end up sleeping with them."

I roll my eyes and tisk. "You make me sound like a man-whore."

"You kinda are, Ori..."

I laugh and throw my pillow at him. He deflects it at the last second. "Okay, says the swinger."

"That's different! I never sleep with someone the same day I meet them."

"So waiting makes it so much more acceptable..."

Now he throws his pillow at me. Before anyone knows it, we're all flinging pillows at each other. Yeah, I know. We're a bunch of grown ass adults. Welcome to my life.

~

"So I had a question," I blurt to Tristan later that night over dinner.

Truthfully I don't have much of an appetite. My stomach has turned into one gigantic nauseous knot. The thought of eating just makes me want to get sick.

But Tristan is watching me, so I take small nibbles of my pizza and wash down every bite with water.

"Okay," he says around the bite of food he had just taken.

"So," I say, nervously poking at my pizza, "my shrink thinks that I'd be a lot happier if I made peace with my past. And...my past is in Michigan. So I was hoping you could come to Michigan with me." My eyes flick up at him as I rush on. "I mean, I don't want to just drag you around the country with me."

He smiles. "You're not."

"I don't want to just sweep you up in my life."

His kind expression sticks around. "What if I want to be swept up into your life?"

My eyes drop again. "I don't want you to become resentful."

"Orio--why would I get resentful?"

"Because you're young, and you might end up regretting living someone else's life instead of your own when you're older?"

"Orio." Tristan reaches across the counter and puts his hand over mine, which causes me to look at him. He has his glowing smile on, the one that matches his glowing tan perfectly. "I know you don't know me that well, but I'm not the type of guy who just goes along with things. If I don't wanna do something, I don't."

"But--"

"I'm not done."

I close my mouth.

"The second I don't feel comfortable with something, I'll leave. And if that means we get to Michigan and I don't like something, I'll stay in Michigan."

"What if you don't like Michigan?"

"Then I'll go somewhere else."

I can't help but smirk. "You want to be a bit of a rolling stone in your life, don't you?"

"Mmm, I think I like the term 'free spirit' a bit more, Orion."

I laugh.

"Also, taking a trip to Michigan I think will be the perfect way to get to know you."

My stomach lurches and I look away. It's official--I've completely lost my appetite.

"What's in Michigan, Orio?" he speaks softly.

He's looking at me compassionately. I swallow thickly, trying to get saliva into my suddenly bone-dry mouth, trying to push down the lump in my throat.

I haven't been to Michigan since we first started touring six years ago. We hit up Detroit and Lansing. I was such a wreck the entire time we were there. That was when the panic attacks started, and puking before and after every show. I don't even know how I managed to perform like nothing was wrong.

Ben and Jake knew I was having a rough time. How could they not? I needed a trash can immediately off stage for those six performances. I told them it was just nerves--which it honestly was. But back then I didn't quite grasp that it was the beginning of...Well, how fucked up my life was going to get.

I vowed never to go back to my home state. I have kept to that promise this entire time. But now? Well...

"In Michigan are my adoptive parents. In Michigan is the foster house I spent the first ten years of my life in. And hopefully in Michigan is where I can find my birth parents."