**TRIGGER WARNING** Brief mention of abortion and suicide. Reader discretion is advised.

You took flight

To the azure sky above us

You left me behind here

But you stole a piece of me with you

You took this knife

And now there's a hole carved in my chest

Cynthia dear, I'm sorry it's all my fault

Dear Cynthia, I'm sorry I couldn't do more for you

Cynthia dear, I'm sorry I couldn't be more

When your breath popped

And my actions replied with circumspect

Dear Cynthia,

I'm just one lone man

You showed me the mercurial side of life

Didn't you Cynthia? So now I'll withstand

Methodical and paternalistic

But dear Cynthia,

I'll never be safe or whole again

So Cynthia,

Maybe I've learned that

I don't need you to hold me together

But sweet Cynthia,

Maybe I want you to

And Cynthia,

You've up and fled away without me

How dare you leave without me?

I want to float away with you too

Dear Cynthia

--From the song Cynthia

Lyrics by: Orion Bauwens

When I got back home I told everyone how it went. I told them how wonderful my mother was. I told them how quaint her house is. I told them the surprise I had when I found out I have half-siblings.

I didn't tell them how I slipped up and got drunk.

They had their reservations about my clear, immediate attachments to my mother. Originally I tried to play it off, that it wasn't like that. But who was I kidding? This was a dream come true. I'm a pretty good judge of character, and she had nothing but warmth and love that day we spent together.

Maybe they were right. Maybe I should be more cautiously optimistic. I don't want to be though. Maybe I am setting myself up for heartache, like Jake has voiced his concern over. Maybe her enthusiasm is going to fade after a while, as Ben worries about. And maybe this'll turn into a toxic relationship, and she'll reach out to me only when it suits her (Tristan's concern).

This is the happiest I've been in awhile though. I think I deserve it. Yeah, it'll be bad if it blows up in my face. I'll be crushed, devastated. But that may not even happen. And if it does, I want to enjoy it while it lasts.

Before I left Minnesota, my mother and I exchanged phone numbers. I had her listed as Rachel in my phone. So you can imagine my surprise when a week after I got back my phone rings with Rachel on the screen.

"Hello?"

"Hi--Orion?"

I smile. "Yup."

"Do you have a second?"

"Sure," I say, before putting my hand to the mouthpiece. Tristan and I had been snuggling on the couch (yes, snuggling). I motion to him that I'm going to take the phone call elsewhere.

"I had a question for you, but I worry it's going to overstep a boundary."

I frown. Uh-oh. "Depends on what it is."

"You can decline, obviously." I can almost hear her shake her head. "You know what? Actually, never mind, I'm sorry to have bothered you--"

"Just ask, please? I can't decide if I don't even know what the question is."

She laughs. "Alright. Well, Christmas is in a couple days. Would you feel comfortable coming for that?"

I'm too shocked to reply. Seriously?

"You wouldn't have to bring anything except yourself. It'll just be me and the kids. I thought it would be a great opportunity for us to get to know each other. I mean, if that's something you want."

Seriously?!

"Is it something you want?"

This is literally a dream come true.

"If it's not, I completely understand. And I'm not trying to guilt trip you into anything, but your brothers and sister are actually really excited at the prospect of meeting you..."

"Are you for real right now?"

She laughs.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Yes! I'd love to!" I damn near squealed that.

"Wonderful! I was hoping you'd say that!"

When I get off the phone I start whooping and hollering like a psychopath, jumping up and down. Tristan comes up, wondering what's going on. I continue to jump up and down, grinning so large it's hurting my face.

"I'm going home for Christmas!"

~

"Oh my God it's you."

My half-sister is standing in the doorway, her eyes huge. She looks a lot more like me in person, but her hair is lighter and her eyes are blue from her father. She also has freckles smeared across her face.

"Hi," I say, offering a lopsided grin.

"Oh my God, Orion Bauwens is here. And he's my brother."

I laugh. "Are you a fan of mine?"

"Are you kidding me?!" She grabs my wrist and yanks me inside, clinging to me. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't surprised and a little uncomfortable.

"Woah, hello."

"I absolutely adored Glass Houses," she says, referring to our latest album. "It was soooooo heavy, so good! I've been playing it on repeat since it came out."

Our mother walks in, dish tower in hand. She laughs. "Let Orion in at least, for Heaven's sake!"

"Your voice is amazing," she gushes, and I can practically see stars in her eyes. "How do you hit the high notes? Is it falsetto, or is your range really that high? Where did you get the inspiration for the song Out of my Head? Is the field you sing about in True Lies an actual field, or is it a metaphor for something? I've noticed you make references to the color purple a lot--why?"

"Uhhhhhhh..."

"Down, girl."

I lift my head to be greeted by the two boys from the picture frame standing before me.

"Guys," Amy says breathlessly, pointing at me. "It's Orion Bauwens."

"We know," the younger looking one says with a roll of his eyes.

"Mom told us, remember?" the other says.

"Now calm down before you scare him away," the first one says with a laugh. He then holds his hand out to me. "I'm John."

We shake. "Hey. Nice to meet you."

The older-looking one holds out his hand then. "Seth."

"Pleasure to meet you, Seth."

Amy grabs my arm again. "Okay so seriously, the song Dark Horse, what's that about?"

I look at my sister, merely blinking at her. Then I laugh.

~

We spent the day talking and getting to know each other. It's a bit awkward at first but we all loosen up after a few hours. We play some board games; I need to have the rules explained to me repeatedly. I feel stupid, but they keep insisting I'll get the hang of it.

We become comfortable with each other after a rousing game of charades. At first I'm mortified at the prospect of Amy's suggestion. Then I think about everything in my life I actually have to be mortified over, so I agree.

Before I know it I'm in stitches along with everyone else. My mom and I are good. Amy is bad, but I have to give her credit for her hilarious, outlandish guesses and her animated, ridiculous clues. Seth is okay, and John is outright awful at it.

After that it's late and we decide it's time for bed.

"I wanna talk!" Amy says to me excitedly. "Can we?"

I shrug. "Sure."

Squealing happily she leads me upstairs. The last time I was here I hadn't noticed there was an upstairs. But there is, and she leads me to her bedroom, shutting the door and turning on the light.

I look around. She has as many band posters as I do in my room per square foot, comparatively. I'm a bit embarrassed to notice a good chunk of them are posters of, well, me.

She rushes over and covers one with her arms. She looks at me, totally embarrassed.

"I am soooooo sorry," she says, tearing it down, still looking at me with wide eyes. She crumples it, holding it to her chest, a huge awkward grin on her face. "This must be really weird for you. I mean, of course it's weird for you. I mean, I'm a fan yeah, but--"

I can't help but laugh. "You remind me of Anna."

She pauses. "Uh...whooooo is Anna, exactly?"

"From Frozen?"

Now she laughs. "You've seen Frozen?!"

"Hey, no judging. When you're on the road as often as I am, you get very, very bored...Plus the music is catchy."

She looks thoughtful a moment. Then she nods. "Yeah, I could see that."

"So," I say, sitting down in the office chair she has in front of her computer, "what do you want to talk about?"

"Well, I had questions about your music."

I lean back, hands clasped behind my head, and I start to spin in slow circles. "Sure, I'm game."

"What's with the color purple?"

"I like it. It reminds me of sunsets. It reminds me of space. Like, deep space."

"Huh."

"Next?"

"What is Dark Horse about? It's awfully cryptic."

I pause. "How old are you?"

"Eighteen."

I'm genuinely surprised, and I raise my eyebrows.

"What?"

"I thought you were younger."

"Oh. Well, my mom and dad were in the Peace Corps. when I was little. I started school a couple years late."

"Oh wow."

Amy looks a little embarrassed, tucking some hair behind her ear.

"Alright, I guess you're old enough to hear this. I knocked up my girlfriend in High School and the song is about the abortion she got."

Amy's hands fly to her mouth. "Oh my God--Orion, I am so sorry I asked that."

I shrug and continue to spin in circles. "You didn't know."

"What happened to the girl?"

I pause to look at her, then go back to looking at the ceiling. "How well do you know the track names from our latest album?"

"Very."

"Cynthia is what happened. But her name wasn't Cynthia."

"Orion," Amy says immediately. To my utter shock she comes up to me and hugs me. "Her killing herself was not your fault."

I pause. I barely know this girl. I refuse to get emotional in front of her so I just put up my wall and shrug. "No, but her getting an abortion with my kid didn't help anything I'm sure."

Amy stops hugging me. "Never mind about the rest of my questions..." she mumbles.

"It's okay."

"No, I feel awful--"

"Seriously, I don't mind."

She bites her lip. "I don't want to pry..."

"Amy. Look. The truth is I have to do this. My career is how I deal with shit. It's like therapy for me."

Or used to be, until it stopped working and I spiraled out of control.

"If I didn't feel comfortable, I wouldn't write this stuff, I wouldn't put myself out there like that. I'd write happier stuff."

She laughs, which makes me grin.

"I know, absurd, right? Me writing anything happy?"

"You wouldn't be you then."

That hurt. But it's true. "Yeah..."

"So what's with the field in True Lies?"

"Not a real field. It's my brain."

"Ah-ha! I knew it! I always argue with my one friend..." she trails off and screws up her face. "Oh. That's... really sad."

I shrug.

"So Out of my Head is literal?"

"That's why the tracks are back to back."

"Damn. Comparing your conscience as being lost in a never ending field that you finally think you're out of, only to be murdered...That sounds like something out of Dante's Inferno. Kinda like the anger circle only instead of a swamp it's a field."

I can't help but grin. "Nice. I actually drew heavily from that story when I wrote True Lies. I'm happy a fan picked up on that."

"Orion..." she looks at me, nothing but deep concern etched on her face. "Are you okay?"

I smile at her and shake my head. "Not really. But I will be. Promise."