**TRIGGER WARNING** This chapter revolves around a character that is a drug dealer. If that is a trigger for you, DO NOT READ THIS CHAPTER.

Medicate, suffocate, agitate, supplicate

Concentrate, annotate, complicate, castrate

Rabbit bait, cannot wait, magistrate 

Ice skate, schoolmate, nameplate

I don't know who I am anymore

--From the song Spin

Lyrics by: Orion Bauwens

"So I got a call from Simon..."

Ben has taken me out to lunch. Between him, Jake, and Tristan, I never eat alone now. I hate it, it's embarrassing. I shouldn't have to be babysat for something as natural as eating. It makes me utterly despise myself.

"Yeah?" I say as nonchalantly as I can muster, stabbing my salad with my fork but not actually putting any in my mouth. "How's he doing?"

"Orion."

I look up and Ben is frowning at me.

"What?"

"He told me you bit his head off."

"Well I want nothing to do with the guy anymore!"

"Okay, but you could've told him that a bit nicer."

"He asked me if I needed anything."

"Okay," Ben replies evenly, "and he didn't know you've been in rehab."

"Well, now he knows," I reply angrily.

Ben glances at my bandaged hand and wrist. "Is that what happened?"

Self-consciously I shift my arm beneath the table. "Maybe."

He narrows his eyes. "Orion."

I shove salad in my mouth. "Sorry. Yeah, yeah it is."

"He didn't deserve that, Orion."

"You're right--I should've called the cops on him and turned him in for being a coke dealer and pill pusher."

Ben scowls at me. "You and I both know you wouldn't do that. If you were going to do that you would've done that years ago."

I frown and eat more of my lunch. He's right. We've known Simon since High School. We were all friends. He started dealing weed back then. Instead of it being a phase though, his reputation grew and he started dealing pills and Ecstacy in college.

I know it's horrible that I supported his illegal ventures. Honestly though I couldn't not help him. He was my friend. I didn't want him to flounder. Once I found fame, I started bringing him to parties so he could deal. The business was good. If he was going to be a fuck-up, I at least wanted him to be a successful fuck up.

Simon to me is like a horse that's drowning in a deep river. You don't want the horse to go under. You feel bad for the horse. So you keep trying everything you can to save it--you keep throwing the rope out even though it's too short. And you feel guilty because you don't have a boat to save it with.

Even so, it was a shitty thing for me to have screamed at him. I know Simon better than that. I just panicked. I don't want anyone to know I've been in rehab. Because once it's out there then everyone--everyone, the world--will really know how much of a pathetic screw up I am. They'll know how much I don't have my shit together. They'll know how badly I've been fucking up lately.

I know I'll just become another celebrity casualty. And I don't want people to think that of me. And honestly, I don't know if I could survive that. So I try to keep as low a profile as possible.

"So have you thought about anger management?" Ben asks.

I laugh bitterly, and go back to angrily stabbing my salad, three pieces at a time. "I'm seeing a psychiatrist. I'm seeing a therapist for my depression. I'm seeing a different therapist that specializes in eating disorders. I'm going to AA meetings daily. When I was inpatient I was told I needed it, but I'm booked now." I glance at him and speak quietly. "Honestly it's all a bit overwhelming to me. I don't think I could pile that on top of everything right now, too."

Ben nods. "That's fair."

For a little while we don't say much, Ben eating his steak and eggs, me eating my salad.

"Orion."

I lift my head.

"Look. I know you and Jake are closer with each other, but I want you to know you can talk to me too, about anything, okay?"

I smile genuinely. "I know."

"I don't care if it's two in the Goddamn morning and you need to wake me up. I'm serious Orion, it's no trouble."

I nod.

"So," Ben says, smiling. "Do you have one of those people...erm, I don't know what they're called."

I can't help but laugh. "Go on, because I have no clue what you're talking about."

"The one's that help you with sobriety. They're like, a sobriety buddy you can confide in and lean on and stuff."

"Oh!" I can't help but laugh again. "You mean a sponsor?" 

"Yeah! You do have one of those, right?"

"Yeah I do. She's great actually." I laugh, slightly embarrassed. "I call her a lot actually...I feel like a burden."

"Well that's what she's there for, right?"

I nod.

"I'm sure she doesn't think that at all."

I smile.

"What's her name?"

"Heather." I chuckle. "We're quite the pair--a famous rockstar and a doctor."

"Oh yikes."

I laugh. "I know, right?" I can't help but smile fondly. "She's great though."

"I'd love to meet her sometime. Assuming she'd be okay with that."

I screw up my face. "Why would you want to meet her?"

Ben grins. "Anyone who helps my Ori is someone I'd love to meet."

"Thanks..."

"Why'd you say it like that?"

I stab three more pieces of lettuce and shove it in my mouth. "Like I said, I feel like I burden everyone."

"Orion. I need you to listen to me, and listen to me good."

I nod.

"We all just want you to get better, okay? We just want you to be happy. We want the old Orion back--the one we knew back in High School. The crazy, happy-go-lucky one. The practical joker who would do anything to get people to laugh. The one who would do anything for anyone. The selfless, kind Orion."

I shake my head. "That was a facade. You think I was happy back then?"

"Of course not," Ben replies gently. "We knew you were struggling. Come on--how many times did you come over to Jake's or my house after school? How many times did you spend the night on weekends?"

I've lost my appetite. Great, so I was a burden back then, too.

"Orion," he snaps at me, and I look at him, "and I know what you're thinking so knock it off. We wanted to help you back then, just like we want to help you now. You're not a burden--we don't hate you for that, okay?"

Tears well in my eyes. Jesus, I really hope my therapy and pills get me to stop crying all the damn time.

"We want to help you. We want you to get better. Because even though you weren't happy back then either, you could cope with it. You can't cope anymore--that's not a jab, and please don't take it as such."

I nod, furtively wiping away a tear.

"We want to help fix you. We want to help you pick up the pieces because you can't. The pieces are cutting you up, so we want to help you with that, okay?"

I nod, adjusting my glasses. I've taken to wearing them more and more.

"Orion--we love you, okay?"

I nod. They should just reject me so I don't drag them down with me. He thinks the pieces of my life cut me? They're going to start cutting them, too. I don't want to bring them pain, either.

"We love you, and we're not going to stop loving you, and we're never going to stop telling you that, okay?"

I nod again, tears getting caught on my glasses because my head is down. I can't look at Ben anymore. There's just too much shame and pain.

"Orion. Look at me."

I lift my head and sniff.

"You're the strongest person I know."

I scoff and glare to the side.

"Hey," he snaps at me, "I'm serious."

I look at him.

"Yeah you're a bit fucked up. Yeah you have your demons. But you're still going. You produced music--you toured. You still pressed on through years of pain." He reaches across the table, moving my fringe out of my eyes. "And once everything came to a head, you sought help."

I cross my arms and go back to glaring to the side. "Not like I had much of a choice."

"But you did have a choice, Orion. You really did. You could've fired us all. You could've pushed Jake and I away. You could've stopped touring--quit the band. You could've run away and hid and just lost yourself in endless bottles...But you didn't."

I wipe away another tear. God, can't I just stop crying already?!

"You didn't. You stuck through treatment for four damn months, and I know that couldn't have been easy. And now that you're out, you're sticking with it."

I raise my bandaged arm and glare.

"So? You slipped up. Are you seriously going to let that trip you up? You're not a quitter Orion--you've never been a quitter."

He had a point. He grins at me and I finally no longer feel like crying. I take off my glasses, wiping off the tear streaks with my sleeve.

"Seriously, Orion. You're the strongest person I know. You're the strongest person I'm probably ever going to encounter in my entire life. And I admire you so much for that, so very much."

I feel myself blush.

"So," he says, leaning back in his seat. "Are you done with that salad?"

I've eaten about half of it. "Yeah."

"You sure? Are you still hungry?"

I shake my head, lifting up my piece of bread that came with my meal. "I'll have some of this."

He grins, gesturing for me to give him the plate. "I'll eat it then. It looks really good."

I smile. "It is. Enjoy."