I caught you like a bad cold

Here's my soul, forever sold

Now here I'll lie

As everyone walks by

Trying to sweat you out like a fever

Don't you dare come any nearer

--From the song Too Much On My Mind

Lyrics By: Orion Bauwens/Benjamin Hill

"God damn it that was shit."

"Relax," my bass guitarist Jake tells me. "It wasn't that bad."

"The audience lapped it up," my drummer Ben adds.

"Yeah," Jake says. "They loved it. Most people can't tell between a bad night and a good night."

"Unless the band really fucks it up," Ben laughs.

"People are idiots," I mumble, shaking my head.

"Hey, come on," Jake said. He grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me. "Don't be like this. It was fine."

"I was off-pitch the entire damn concert."

"You're not a recording, Orion."

"Yeah well, I wish I was."

"You're too hard on yourself."

"Just knock it off, okay?"

"Orion, it's okay--"

Angrily I jerk myself back, shoving Jake. "Leave me the fuck alone, dude."

Jake holds up his hands. "Okay, sorry. Just trying to make you feel better."

"I don't need cheering up."

"So..." Ben says, exchanging a look with Jake, "You're not going to hang out with us?"

"No," I reply, running a hand through my sweat-soaked hair. "You guys go ahead."

"It might cheer you up--"

I grab Ben by the collar and shake him. "I don't need to be fucking cheered up, alright!?"

Ben pushes me off him. "You're such a fucking prick Orion. Fuck you."

Jake grabs him and the pair walk away. After a moment Jake looks over his shoulder at me and glares. I look at my feet, kicking the gravel. Running a hand through my wet hair again, I then look at the sky.

"Fuck."

I walk back to the bus and lean against it. I've known Jake and Ben since High School. They're my original band mates. Other additions have come and gone over the years, but they're my core. They've always been there--they're my best friends.

But I can tell--especially lately--that they're getting tired of my shit. They're getting tired of my moods. They're getting tired of not knowing when I'll be me and when I'm going to be the bastard that bites their heads off over something small. Truthfully, I think I'd die if either of them quit the band. If they quit, that means our friendship was over. If our friendship was over, well...

I pull cigarettes from my jacket and take a long drag, then look back up at the sky. Even though it's night, I make out dark rain clouds hanging out in the peaceful sky. The first raindrop hits my nose. I don't mind the rain. I'm sweaty enough from the show anyway--what would a little rain hurt?

"Hey."

Surprised, I look to the side where the voice came from. Tristan is standing there. I don't know why I have this reaction, but I can feel myself turn red. Tossing my cigarette to the ground and snuffing it out with my shoe, I hope Tristan hadn't noticed it had been freshly lit. I just needed an excuse to not look at him right then. Lighting another one, I speak to him around the butt.

"Hey."

"What was that about?"

Rain comes down more steadily. "What was what about?"

He jams his thumb behind him. "It looked like you were fighting with Jake and Ben..."

I glare. "Why don't you mind your own fucking business?"

Tristan holds up his hands and backpedals as the rain picks up. I watch his back as he walks away. He's still wearing the bright orange rain poncho that says CREW on the back in big, block-y black letters.

"Fuck...Tristan, wait."

He turns around and I wave him over. He walks to me immediately. I look up at the sky, squinting against the rain. Thunder rumbles in the distance, causing me to shiver. Tristan leans against the bus, crosses his arms, and puts his right foot against the bus. I watch him from the corner of my eye, taking note of his jeans and his Timberland boots.

"Did you watch the gig tonight?"

"Yeah."

"How was I?"

He looks at me, an eyebrow raised. I look at him.

"How was I?"

Tristan looks at the ground and shrugs.

"Be honest with me. Please."

He looks at me again. His brown eyes trace over my face, and for the briefest moment he looks worried. I hadn't meant it, but I realized how desperate I sounded.

"You seemed off."

I resist the urge to turn around and punch the bus. Instead I simply hiss through my teeth.

"I mean, I don't think the crowd noticed."

I can't help but laugh. Tristan looks at me confused. I shake my head at him. "That's what Jake and Ben said."

He grins. "You gonna grab me by the collar now, too?"

I knock my shoulder against him. "Screw you."

"Well," Tristan says then, pushing off from the bus, "I just wanted to make sure you were okay--"

"Wanna go for a walk?" I blurt out.

Tristan looks at me. I can't figure out the look on his face. Finally he glances at the sky. "It's raining."

"I don't care."

For a moment Tristan looks like he's going to reject the offer, and I'm crestfallen. But he surprises me.

"Yeah, sure."

We walk away, not saying anything. Turning the corner from where the buses are parked, Tristan speaks.

"Uh, should you have a bodyguard or something?"

"Fuck no," I say immediately. I then roll my eyes. "I mean, technically I should, but I hate that. I just want to be me."

Tristan raises an eyebrow. "Rebel at heart, eh?" he quips, referencing one of my songs.

"Hell yeah," I laugh.

"So," Tristan says, "you keep talking about how you want to just be you. How you want things that are only yours. Why are you a rock star then?"

"Because I'm good at it. Because it's good money. Because it's fun."

He gives me a withering look. So with a sigh I drop the facade, snuffing out my cigarette and shoving the butt into my pocket.

"It's my life. It's what I love. I love music. I would be lost without it."

"Plenty of people are involved in music and don't seek fame, Orion."

"I didn't seek fame," I spit angrily. "It just--well--happened."

He laughs. "How does fame just happen?"

I groan. "Can we please talk about something else now?"

"Sure," he says easily. "So, is your name really Orion, or is it just a stage name?"

"Nope," I reply in a chipper way, "it's actually my name."

"Weird name."

"Gee, thanks."

To my surprise he bumps my shoulder with his own and grins. For a moment I look at him, but then I grin and do the same thing back.

"I do have a question I've been wondering about," Tristan adds seriously, and I don't miss the hint of trepidation to his words.

"Shoot."

"Why do you say your name 'ori-on'? Isn't it supposed to be pronounced 'O'Ryan', like the constellation?"

I purge the urge to roll my eyes, but I can't change how acrid my words sound even against my own ears. "Because I'm pretty sure my mom didn't graduate high school and my dad is about the most ignorant slob on the planet?"

Wow, didn't mean for that to tumble out. I peer at Tristan out of the corner of my eye. I can tell by the uncomfortable look on his face he's trying parse out what I just said. Guilt washes over me, and I silently curse my mouth that suddenly won't stay shut around this guy.

Tristan glances at me. "So what's Michigan like?"

I moan again. "Can we not?"

"Not what?"

"Talk about my hometown?"

"Orion."

Tristan stops walking, so I stop too. He looks at me seriously as the rain picks up even more. It's veritably pouring now. "You asked me to go on a walk with you, in the rain, but you don't seem interested in talking. What are we doing?"

What were we doing? More importantly, what was I doing?

"I don't--I don't know."

This thankfully makes him laugh. I slip my hands into my now-soaked leather jacket and turn around, heading back towards where the buses are. He follows.

"So, I get the feeling you know a lot more about me than I know about you," I say, glancing at him as we walk side by side.

"Probably."

"So, er, what's your last name?"

"Smith."

I laugh.

"What?"

I take my hand out of my pocket long enough to wave my hand. "Sorry. Just the name Smith always reminds me of The Matrix."

"The what?"

I literally stop walking. "Excuse me?"

He stops too and looks at me. "What? I don't know what The Matrix is."

My jaw drops open and then I screw up my face. "Do you live under a rock?!"

Tristan laughs deeply. He has a rich, kaleidoscopic laugh. It makes you want to laugh along. I love it, just like I love his accent. "No."

"It's a movie. From 1999."

"Wow, that's old."

"Well, yeah, but--have you seriously never seen it?"

"No. I'm not a movie person."

We walk again. "Okay, but it's a classic."

Tristan shrugs.

"It's about this guy Neo, and he finds out reality isn't real, that everyone is stuck in a false reality called The Matrix..." I'm watching his face intently for any sort of recognition. I'm floored when that spark never ignites. "Seriously? Nothing?"

Tristan grins and looks at me. "Do you have it on the tour bus?"

That question caught me off guard. I think before replying. "Uh, maybe. Probably. Actually yeah, I should."

"We could watch it together sometime."

I swallow thickly. Why did that make my heart pound? I push that physical feeling away and smile at Tristan. "Yeah, I think I'd like that."

When I board the bus, and Tristan goes to his, I'm surprised to see Gloria still awake and sitting in a seat. Water drips off me loudly. As I start to make my way to the back Gloria speaks, thunder rolling in the distance.

"Where the hell were you?"

I stop but don't look at her. "I went for a walk with Tristan."

"In the rain?"

I turn around. "Yeah. I like the rain."

She narrows her eyes on me. "It was right after a show. You could've been mobbed."

I wave a dismissive hand. "We're far enough from the stadium it's fine. Besides, Tristan was with me, so it's not like I was completely alone."

She snorts. I glare. "What?"

"Feeling better?"

When I just raise my eyebrow, she continues. "You had a rough show it seemed like. You were distracted or something. I wanted to know if walking in the rain with Tristan made you feel better?"

I don't like the way she said that, nor the fact her saying that makes me agitated. God, my mind was becoming such a mess again.

"What I do with my time, Gloria, is none of your concern."

My manager holds up her hands. She then picks up the electronic device I never see her without and swipes it, the screen illuminating her face.

"You should get to bed Orion. You have that interview in the morning."

"Right."

And as I turn on my heel, I'm surprised to find I'm disappointed when I realize I won't see Tristan at all tomorrow.