BELA

Today I'm going to open up myself in front of Mahir, I'm going to express the pain I've suffered.

It's really helpful to share our problems with our loved ones. I just skipped my death and made it till here. God helped me to stay back in this living world.

"Mummaa Maiiaa iz ready",Mahira shouted while putting her hat on.

"My Mahira is the best",I said and kissed her.

"Mahira don't trouble your daadu's OK "? Mahir said.

"OK daddaa", she said showing her incisors.

She is very excited to go with them.

My dad and Andy uncle will be here anytime soon to take her.

Mahir was shooting glances towards me. I know he is waiting for me to talk.

The door bell ringed and Mahir opened the door.

"Daadu daadu..",Mahira was beeming looking at them.

"Ready Mahira"? Andy uncle asked.

"Just give me a call if she troubles you", Mahir said.

"Bye mumma, bye daddaa",Mahira was all ready.

"Bye baby",we said kissing her.

I closed the door and turned around. Mahir was sitting on the couch and waiting for me.

"Mahir just calm down, I will not dodge you today. I will tell you each and everything", I said.

He became calm and I sat beside him facing towards him.

"From where do you want me to start Mahir"? I asked.

"The day you left to London", he said.

Tears already pooled in my eyes. I was blinking them back.

"I was already shattered by that time",I said wiping my tears.

He cupped my face and wiped my cheeks with his thumb.

"I am with you now Bela, speak your heart out to me", he said kissing my temple.

I left to London with a heavy heart. I went to the house where my dad arranged me to stay.My high school friend Suhani was staying with me.

The initial days were a nightmares to me.

I used to go to university and return back by afternoon. Suhani used to come at night 8.

I moulded up myself in a shell. I used to not talk to anyone properly. I used to call my dad once a month and change the number again and again.

Because I know, Bani di will not let me go so easily. Suhani was trying her best to cheer me up by taking me to parties and etc. But I was still inside my shell.

"Some times someone comes into your life so unexpectedly, takes your heart by surprise, and changes your life forever".

One day I was sleeping in the afternoon as I was tired,but that day I realized that I'm not the old person anymore.

I started having nightmares like someone is threatening me to leave my love and beating the shit out of me.

By god's grace Suhani came early that day and saw me getting panic attack.

I was not able to breathe,my heart rate was increasing,my vision was getting blurred.

I came into my senses when Suhani hit me. She took me to hospital and the doctors did a quick check up on me.

They told that I was at the initial stage of depression. That was not at all a shock for me. I knew that I was already into it.

I used those anti depressants for some days,but my mind was still on Mahir.

I try to sleep, his face flashes.                 I try to eat, the memories of him feeding me comes back.                            I try to go out,the memories of us hanging out comes back.

Suhani started spending more time with me. She used to ask me to share my problems. But I couldn't speak in front of her.

The panic attacks were becoming regular, I dint inform my dad.

I used to walk on the streets alone. But nothing helped me to gain my senses back.

But one day when I was walking through a street, I thought I saw Mahir. I blinked my eyes twice,pinched myself,slapped myself.

But it was true. I saw you Mahir.

I turned back and started walking towards my flat, but the memories were flashing in my mind very hard.

No! He can't be here.

"I did not see him. I was just hallucinating",I said to my self.

I was walking fast to my flat,but my vision was getting blurred,I couldn't breathe, I could feel my heart pumping blood so fast.

I composed myself and reached my flat. Suhani was not there. I was searching for my pills and I wasn't getting them.

I checked through my stuff and found them. I was prescribed to have single pill a day.

I couldn't take the fact that I saw Mahir, I decided to end my life instead of this torture.

I took a handful of pills and gulped them. I felt myself getting lost and I slumped on the floor.

I thought it was my end. I was happy that I saw Mahir before leaving this world.

But I woke up in a hospital bed. I saw Suhani crying near me.

She scolded me, hit me and she was devastated by looking at my condition.

Doctors informed that I was in depression. They told me to share my problems with them.

They recommended a psychiatrist and they were too not helping me.

Suhani informed my dad about this and he came the next day to see me. I couldn't answer his questions.

"What are you thinking of yourself Bela"? my dad asked with anger looking at me.

"I don't know dad. I...I cannot bear it",I said.

"There are many people who lost their loved ones,but still they are accepting the reality and moving on", he said.

"They are accepting the reality because they know that they are dead and they will never come back, but I cannot move on seeing my love with my own sister",I said.

"You have to move on Bela, they both are happy now. I don't want you to spoil their..",he said and realized what he was saying.

I understood what he was going to say.

I gave him a sad smile and said,
"Don't worry dad,I will not spoil your daughter's married life, I'm not a psychopath".

"I dint mean to say that Bela",he was saying.

"It's fine dad. I'm fine. Just I was not in my senses and had an over dosage. Don't worry about me,you go to your daughter",I said looking away from him.

"Bela, my baby. I dint mean to say that,it just came out from my mouth", he said.

"The words coming from your heart comes out of your mouth",I said.

"I'm fine dad. I will keep myself busy from now. I will try to forget him as you said. I cannot allow him to control my life",I said wiping my tears.

"You please leave to India.I promise I will call you once a week from now",I said and he went without saying a single word.

I can't expect more from him. He has done his part for me. As a dad he is concerned for his daughters. He is right from his point of view.

"Bela, your dad was hurt. He left having tears",Suhani said.

"My life is full of tears",I said smiling.

She hugged me and kissed my temple.

"Please talk to me when you want,I am never busy for you", she said wiping her tears.

"I will",I said.

I was really trying to move on from him.

I was talking to everyone and opening up a bit. Doctors were also happy that I was doing good.

Many of my university friends suggested me to try drugs,alcohol,one night stands and what not.

But no. I dint want to spoil my life. I never looked at that side only. That is not the solution to forget your pain.

The worst feeling is trying to forget your loved ones when they already occupied your mind,body and soul.

You can forget them only when you die.

Life is too short to live depressed,
It's too short to live anxious,
And it's too short to not to think about taking your life,
I struggled every day to live alive.

I was living with carrying a plastic smile with me,everyone believed it.

But no one knows the pain behind my smile.

People are like onions, layers and layers and layers.

I was putting up a layer daily, one after the other.

My friends,my doctors,everyone thought I was out of it. My dad too was getting happy at my improvement.

One day I was working sitting in a coffee shop and saw a boy chasing a girl.

'Mahir chased me on the first day of my collage'

I wiped that memory off and packed my things and started to leave to my flat.

I saw a boy throwing a girls phone and he was scolding her.

'Mahir yelled at me and thrashed my phone'

I shook my head and started taking long steps.

Is this a coincidence or god is flashing my memories to me.

I saw a girl hugging her man tightly sitting on the bike.

'I sat on Mahir's bike plenty of times'

"No Bela, just keep going",I said looking at my foot steps.

It was a windy day,it will rain soon.

I saw a boy proposing a girl on his knees.

I stopped in my tracks looking at them. Everyone one were cheering for them.

'Mahir proposed Bani di in front of everyone'

I blinked my tears back and moved out from there.

I looked around and I was passing by a lake, saw a just married couple kissing.

'I saw Mahir and di in their wedding attire'

I moved faster and reached my flat. I unlocked the door and entered looking around.

I changed into my sleep shirt which reaches my mid thigh, it was a cold November.

"I know what you are trying to show me god. I'm coming to you",I said.

I filled the bathtub with water and took one cutter.
I was looking at the cutter, it was inviting me to slit my wrist with it.

I gulped looking at it and sat in the tub.
I just held the cutter throwed my head back and was going through the memory lane.

My dad and sister were my world.
I loved a man more than anything.
My sister and him are happy together.
Now I don't have a reason to live.

My hands were shivering catching that cutter in my hand.

Mahir's face flashed in front of me. I opened my eyes and looked around.

What the fuck am I doing?

I can't kill the memories of me and Mahir by killing myself.

"No you bitch", I cursed myself and got out of the tub throwing the cutter a side.

God should decide when I should die, not me.

I don't have a right to kill myself.

This is not the solution,no. I can't do it.

What will dad feel? Di,Mahir,Vish,Yuvi and Vyom?

They will hate me for doing this shit. I can't do it.

I am wrong. There are many people to hear me out,but I dint give them a chance, that's it.

"There are many for me",I said to myself.

I saw Suhani coming inside.  She saw the surroundings and looked at me.

"Suhani no, it's nothing like you are thinking",I said and was awarded by a tight slap.

She have a right to slap me.

"What the fuck were you doing Bela"? she asked.

"Trust me Suhani,I thought to end it. But it's wrong,I backed off. I will never do such things",I said.

She hugged me and started crying. I hugged her back and started crying. I cried my heart out.

I changed my clothes and we both went out.
We both went to the church and stayed their for hours.

I'm not going to end my life. Never.

I started spending most of my time in orphanage with the children.

They all are orphans,but still they are living happily with each other. They have a reason to die,but my excuse is nothing in front of them.

I got a hope from them. Spending time with them was so blissful.

Many are homeless,many lost their parents,many lost their loved ones.

My pain is really nothing in front of them.

They gave me a reason to live.

Mahir will be in me forever and ever.
I can lead my life in his memories. That's enough.

An year passed like this but still the depression has not gone.

The panic attacks used to come rarely but I tried to cope up.

I was living like a jolly girl in front of everyone.

"Depression is not always crying endlessly in a dark rooms. Depression can be getting up, going to work, doing all the things you have to do, all the while feeling empty inside"

There is always a chance to come out of depression,just you have to try to get out of it.

I was trying to move on,but I understood that I can't move on.

I started reminding my moments with Mahir and started enjoying them.

I started enjoying each and every memory of him instead of mourning at the memories.

I started to read myself and sharing with Mahir's picture everyday.

You must be thinking that I am insane. But that really helped me to come out of my depression.

I heard from dad that Sumi aunty passed away. I was urging to go to India,but I need to stay away.

I can't go in front of him, I may get ruined again if I see him.

I composed myself a lot in this one year. I can't let it go in vein.

Dad told me that di was pregnant and my happiness had no bounds.

I really wanted to see miniature of my di and Mahir.

With a lot of persuading I talked to di,but only for five minutes.

I know I hurted her the most,but I'm in a fix.

I started working and established a company,I was training many people in that stream.

I was really happy with my life at that point. I was the reason those kids laugh daily,enjoyed themselves .

Everything was going well and suddenly dad called me and informed about Bani di.

My world was shattered again when I heard that news. Another panic attack,anxiety everything was back again.

I composed myself and decided to meet her.

I will be a real bitch if I will not meet her at least now. She must have cried a lot for me.

"And today I'm here as a surviver in front of you Mahir", I said.

I wiped my tears stricken face and looked at him.

He was sitting like a statue, now I was scared.

"Mahir"? I called him.

Tears were pooling in his eyes, they started flowing from his eyes.

I went close to him to wipe those tears but he took me in a tight hug and started sobbing.

"Mahir I'm over it now,please...please don't cry", I said caressing his back.

"How can you think to end yourself Bela"? he asked.

"I know I...I.was stupid,but...but",I dint knew what to say.

"I don't talk to you anymore, that doesn't mean I don't miss you,or I don't love you,because you make me feel like I was bothering you", he said.

I couldn't answer to this.

He messaged me plenty of times but not once I replied. He stopped messaging me and I never got any texts from him again.

I thought he was happy without me.

" Why did you think that you don't matter to me"? he asked.

"You can love two people at the same time,but not at the same level",I replied.

"We just parted our ways for our good sake Mahir",I said.

He took me again in a bone crushing hug. He again pulled me onto his lap and clutched me tightly.

"Suicide is never a solution Bela", he said looking at me.

"You should have a lot of guts to kill yourself", he said.

"Killing...killing yourself doesn't need guts, we just...just need...need guts to live in..in this world",I said.

He clutched me more tightly and started sobbing in the crook of my neck.

I was feeling like a touch me not plant when he is touching me.

"Mahirrr...",I said with a heavy breath when she kissed my neck.

He looked at me and tucked my baby hair behind my ear, his eyes were still puffy.

"Mahir please don't cry over me, I don't want you to cry for me",I said sobbing.

"I'm not able to digest that you tried to kill yourself Bela", he said.

"I dint even tell my dad about my attempt, only Suhani and now you know about it",I said.

"You should always express your love", he said.

"But I'm not a home wrecker Mahir. I cannot break my di's home",I said.

"I never knew I had someone who loves me more than  Bani. I'm feeling like even her love is so short lived in front of your love", he said.

"I know about my di Mahir. She has never loved anyone as much as she loved you",I said.

"She was an introvert, she never looked at a boy, but she loved you. That means she trusted you and made her future for you",I said.

"She will not even think twice to sacrifice her love for me if she gets to know about my love for you.",I said holding his face in my hands still lying on his lap.

"She took care of me like a mother. A mother will never think twice when it comes to her child",I said.

"I am really stuck",Mahir said caressing my face.

"You were never wrong Mahir",I said and snuggled into his chest.

He scooped me closer and inhaled my scent. I was feeling jittery again.

He slowly bought my face out of his chest and looked at my lips. I was not even blinking,I don't want to miss that look on his face.

He slowly angled my face and brushed his lips against mine. I clutched his coller tightly and closed my eyes at his touch.

_____________
Hey guys! I'm really devastated after hearing about Sushant. Depression may lead to suicide. Please feel free to talk to your loved one's, and help them out.

I repeat again "suicide is not the solution".

Just listen to the above song, listen to every line carefully. Everyone must have gone through some sort of depression,but we have to fight back.

Lost a gem today. I sat to write this chapter in the afternoon and I heard about his suicide. I couldn't write anything.I need to write about this substance today and I heard about him.

2020 can't get more worst😔😔.

Feel free to share your feelings with your loved ones or anyone even if you know them barely. But don't mould up yourself.

It's my mom's birthday today,I dedicate this chapter to the strongest women I saw in my life,my mom.

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