...you were crying. I saw the bracelet I'd made in your shaking hands. I knelt in front of you, brushing away your tears. "Madelyn." I heard my mother gasp. I think she thought I was proposing. I took the bracelet from your hand, attached it around your wrist, touched the engraved plates. My hands shook now, my nerves electrified. I was nervous, praying you'd like it. Anxious, hoping you'd understand the meaning behind this gift, the promise of my love for you. I forced myself to look away from the glittering beads to your dark eyes, shining with emotion. I touched your tear stained cheek, kissed your slightly swollen lips. "I wrote these songs as I was falling in love with you, Maddie. You make me so happy and so much stronger, and I will always try to do the same for you," I paused to take a breath, to steady myself, to kiss you again, "I love you, Madelyn Turner."

You kissed me tentatively, still seeming shy to show affection in front of my family. I cupped your cheek, my shaking fingers smearing your trailed tears. "It's beautiful," you murmured.

"I'm glad you like it," I said, my voice thick in my throat. It was this underlying fear that it might not have been good enough, that same old underlying fear that I might not be good enough. And your reaction to it, your emotion. It meant so much to me. It showed me that it was good enough, that I was good enough. "And thank you so much for the concert tickets. I'm..." my voice trailed off, unable to capture the words to express how I felt.

"It's not just a concert," you grinned. "Back stage, meet and greet."

I nodded. I'd still managed to read the itinerary in my exuberance. "How?"

"I've got connections," you smirked, winked. Cheeky girl. Of course you did. Duh. I thought you must be able to go anywhere and do anything you wanted in the world. What power. What freedom. Then I remembered the paparazzi following us to Liverpool and back, always watching you. I thought about how you hardly leave your house, besides work and school. Those photographers, they were like a tether, a cage. Worse, they were like wolves, hunting you in packs. My poor girl, never a moment's peace.

"Thank you," I said again, shaking off those unpleasant thoughts.

"You're welcome, love." My heart fluttered to hear you call me by this pet name, here in my mother's house. You grabbed my hand, "What else did you get?"

"I got sweaters and--"

"What in the holy is hell is a Sweet Creature?" Gemma's voice broke through, both bitter and amused.

I laughed, "it's you Jimmers." I hadn't actually put her name on the tag, just that phrase. But inside, along with the sarcastic gifts, I'd included a poem about her, about us. I can't believe I forgot to bring this up sooner. I was frustrated by how we'd been relating lately. Everything was an argument, everything was just tense. But seeing her again, being home here with her, all of that washed away, and I just felt the pure unending love of siblings. Shit. I always feel uncertain talking about shit like this. But I suppose you know what I mean, having realised the good between you and Matty, and finding a way to see Ty. There's this instant, undeniable love. This feeling just being near, that you're home. That no matter what, this one person will always have your back.

Gemma flipped me off and opened her present. She laughed at the book title and played for a moment with her sarcastic 8-ball, cracking up even harder. Then she fell silent, reading the page in her hands. Mum urged her to read it aloud. I looked away, redder than the Santa hat on my head. I pulled it off and buried my face in it, embarrassed as hell. Gemma shook her head, took a breath and read, "Sweet Creature
Running through the garden
Oh where nothing bothered us
But we were still young.
I always think about you
and how we don't speak enough." Her voice caught in her throat.

She coughed and continued, "We started, just two hearts in one home
It's gets harder when we argue
We're both stubborn I know
But oh, sweet creature,
Wherever I go,
You will bring me home.
Sweet Creature,
When I run out of road,
You will bring me home."

"That's so lovely, honey," mum said, petting my hair. I beamed up at her, still so very red. She was teary-eyed and smiling, her little dimple as deep as her love.

"Thanks mum. And um, thanks Gem, ya know. For," I swallowed and glanced nervously at you before looking at her, "for being my sister." You smiled though, no hint of sadness or bitterness that you didn't have this. So strong. Always, so strong.

"My Hazza. Such a cheese ball," Gemma said. But she was fully crying. I got up and hugged her for a long time, until her tears subsided. "But creature though?" She shoved me gently. "Like I'm some beast." She shook her head, rolled her eyes, and laughed.

"Oh! I can't believe I forgot!" Robin exclaimed. "There are presents for you kids and Annie from Mike and Carol in a bag by the door."

I turned, "Oh, okay. I'll just grab them."

"Nah, you stay, I'll go," Gemma offered. I think she was glad for a chance to step away and get herself together. She handed me two packages a few moments later, and I opened them to find two more sweaters, one a sort of sage green and the other an oatmeal coloured cable knit. I was glad of the warm wear while we were here, but I doubted I'd have much use for these when we got home to LA.

Just then, mum tore open my gift for her. I felt that quick insecure fluttering again—I don't know why, given her response to the poem for Gem. Would she like the song? Would she understand how it was about her? Would it be enough of a gift? I glanced at her face; tears rolled slowly down her tanned cheeks.

"Um, here let me play it."

"Oh you've recorded it too?" her voice trembled, more tears threatening to spill. "My sweet darling boy." My eyes misted over as she touched my cheek, making it harder for me to find the recording on my phone. I set it to play, so incredibly nervous. It started with my thumping bass, and then me singing. Mum smiled instantly as she heard my familiar voice. I took her hand in mine, and ran my thumb over the back of her hand. Her eyes stayed on the framed lyrics, following along with the song, her mouth moving ever so slightly as she murmured the words. At some point I glanced at Robin, who was watching her as intently as I had been. Then I turned to look at you, and your face was as misty as hers, a beautiful rainforest of emotion. Every moment I looked at her, at Robin, at you...I was composing more of my speech for the wedding in my mind. Every gentle touch, every longing glance, every beam of loving light that radiated from all your smiles. I was inspired. I wanted to pull out my phone and add to the already sketched-out frame of my speech, but I didn't want to disengage from mum. "Again," mum whispered, her voice stolen by my words, or at least that's what I hoped. I played the track again. Mum leaned into me and wrapped her arms around me. "My sweet, sweet boy," she kissed my cheek. "Nobody can drag you down."

I kissed her back, "no mum, not with you behind me, they can't."

"Oh god, this sappiness is toooo much, Haz. Can we eat dinner before I get too nauseous," Gemma whined, but her eyes were still shiny with emotion.

We all moved to the kitchen and set about getting the meal together. There wasn't much to do as mum had put the roast into the oven a few hours ago, just heating the sides and setting the table. You helped silently, going wherever directed. Before we sat to eat, you pulled me aside into the tiny laundry area off the kitchen.

"What's up, Maddie?" My eyes searched yours for a sign of trouble, but you were just happy, just smiling.

"I love you," you whispered.

"I love you too, baby," I whisper laughed. "Why are whispering?"

You kissed me, one of those soft kisses you describe so well. Just lips touching over and over gently. "Too much sap. Don't want Gemma to puke all over our dinner." I laughed, that loud explosion of high pitched sound, and kissed you again.

"I'm hungry," you shrugged. The Maddie shrug. I touched your cheek, laughing silently. You rolled your eyes. My eye roll. I kissed you again.

During dinner Gemma mentioned that there were four tickets for the horse racing the next day. "So mum, I thought you'd come with the three of us," she gestured across herself to you and me.

"Oh darling, that would be fun, but I have so much to do," she blushed faintly, "erm, here tomorrow," her eyes flicked to Robin. Uuhhh gross Mum. "Why don't you kids take Liam along instead."

Gemma and I both looked at you expectantly. You shrugged. The Maddie shrug. "Yeah, sure," you said.

"He'll die just at the suggestion," I grinned at you. Again, you treated me to the eye roll that always always makes me want to kiss you. This time, I suppressed it. I didn't want Gemma to puke on our dinner either. "I'll ring him up after I clear up the dishes."

"I can do it," you and Gem said at the same time, then looked at one another laughing. "Together," you said again at the same time. "Jinx," you both said. You looked at me with your mouth pressed closed, your eyes dancing with humour. You rolled your eyes and shrugged, then silently took the plates from the table to the sink.

I went to the living room to call Liam, and I could hear you and Gemma laughing and chatting away. That might be the shortest jinx ever. Gem probably couldn't bear being there with you and not talking. "Harry!" Liam cried, "happy Christmas!" Yep. He was drunk. It was 4 in the afternoon, and he was drunk.

I laughed, "happy Christmas, mate. So, Gemma bought Maddie these tickets to the Wolverhampton Boxing Day races. We thought you might want to come along?"

He breathed out into the phone, "really? But why? I mean why me?"

"Have you forgotten that you're my best mate?" I laughed again, "jeez, Liam. You're our friend."

He almost cut me off, "well yeah yours, and Gemma's too but..."

"All of us." I shook my head and paced circles around the sofa. Liam drunk was funny as hell but also really hard to deal with sometimes because he just got so overly emotional. Many times I'd sat with him while he cried over nothing in his intoxication. Literally once he cried because there was litter in the street. And not for like the environmental reasons you might think. He was sad for the trash. Because it had been thrown away.

"Maddie too?"

"Yes, Liam."

"Did she say that?" The question was barely above a whisper, and I wasn't entirely sure I'd heard him right.

"Yes, Liam." I rolled my eyes. "So we'll be up to yours pretty early. Better knock off the drinking for today, mate, or you're going to be hurting tomorrow."

He muttered something about being your friend and clicked off the line.

When we had all settled into the sofas in the living room to watch the telly, I noticed you kept playing with your bracelet. I started to feel nervous and uncertain again. Had I chosen the wrong base...was it hurting you or too small...or was there some other flaw you noticed that I hadn't? Finally, I asked and you reassured me you loved it.

"Obviously, you had it made," you said, still staring at the beads and spinning it around on your wrist. I thought of the way you teased me about the vegetable flowers I brought you on our first date, suddenly self conscious about that months-old gesture. Was I ever enough?

I ran my hand down my thigh, that nervous tic of mine. "Well, I had to get the words engraved, but I made it."

You widened your eyes at me. Again, the anxiety flooded through me that it wasn't enough. Wasn't good enough. That I wasn't good enough. Most boyfriends buy their girls gifts. But I couldn't afford it, so I had to make it. Your kiss stopped my worrying in its spot. "I love it," you murmured into my lips, "I love you." Relief isn't a strong enough word. I felt so incredibly lucky. And I told myself to remember this, remember this moment. She doesn't care about money, she cares about you. She doesn't need for any thing, she needs you. I deepened the kiss, clawing my fingers into your hair. A pillow bounced off our joined faces.

"Oi, too much sap Haz," Gemma complained sternly.

We laughed and pulled all the way apart. But as you settled back into your reclined position, you rested your feet on my lap. I shot you a warning look, as your feet were right on top of my hard on. In response, you gripped your toes around it, moving them slightly. Two can play at this wicked game. I slid my hand under the blanket and between your thighs to the wet waiting there for me. You hopped up almost immediately.

"I'm going to go call my mom," you said shakily. I'm sure family just took it as emotion over that relationship, but oh I knew. I knew you were wet and wanting release. "Anne, thank you so much for everything today," you leaned down and hugged her quickly before heading upstairs. I followed, obviously. Obviously.

By the time I got there, you were already down to your panties. I closed the door quietly as you reached for my hips, tugging down my pyjama pants and drawers all in one go. At the same time, I pulled my shirt and hoodie off. Then I stretched my hands out and toyed with the band of your panties, but you shook your head, pointing me to the bed. You directed me where to sit, how to sit, and I just watched. You had a hunger in your eyes, and you moved like a cat towards its prey: decisive, agile, strong. Fierce.

You straddled my hips and kissed me, your body slowly lowering. As your panties touched down on my waiting cock, I could feel your arousal, slick against me. You started to move, and I nearly lost my mind, it felt so good. I'd never experienced anything like this, the wet pool in your panties dragging up and down the underside of my throbbing, aching erection. My hands wandered over your body, wanted to touch every centimetre of your skin, wanted to make you feel as good as you made me feel. You moaned when my exploring hands returned to your breasts and my mouth joined them, and I knew I was on the right track. I put one hand on your hips, pushing you down harder against me, that friction leading quickly to my release. I tipped you back onto the bed and made quick work of yours as well, you moaning and writhing at the mercy of my hands.

After we'd showered and you'd rung your mom, you raged about her breaking your trust. I winced against your hair, holding you close so you couldn't see. Oh Maddie, I was stinging with the regret of yelling at you about the tickets all over again. You'd said almost the same thing about me, to me. My trust is shaken, need to build back that trust. So I murmured "let her in, give her time," thinking surely if I could break your trust and be let back in, so could she.

The next day we went to the races, and I remember a few things: you didn't want to kiss me when we first woke up, complaining about your own morning breath. "My love, I want to kiss you the moment I see your face upon waking." You were a soft subtle rainbow, like perpetually misty skies in the new light of sunrise. Your kiss was warmer than the sun's rays caressing my skin, your touch gentle and sweet.

I remember watching your face while up in the luxury box, how people sort of manhandled you and the look of discomfort on your face as you twisted your body to remove as much of the contact as you could, all the while smiling that fake smile, still so beautiful but so very very sad. I hated them for treating you like an object. I hated your mother for an insane moment for putting you in this career path that made you so unhappy, that put you in the position to be objectified in the first place. I hated myself a little bit for the way I had objectified you, too, once upon a time.

I remember chatting with Liam about you and how everything was going when we went to get snacks. In true best mate fashion, he could tell that I wasn't okay, and that I hadn't been since before we came home. I told him about my explosion over the cost of the tickets. "Shit, that's a lot of money," he shook his head. "But I mean, Harry you knew what you were getting into, right? She's loaded."

I shrugged, "sort of I mean, yeah I did, but Liam that wasn't really the problem. I know now she wasn't, but I felt at the time like she was throwing it in my face." I explained my shitty day leading up to it. "I know I was wrong, totally completely wrong. I never should have spoken to her like that, and I just can't shake the feeling that I've ruined us. I mean, she's being really great, here with everyone, but I'm terrified we're going to get home, and she's going to realise what an ass I am." I shook my head, turning away for fear of tears. In a damn snack line. "That she'll leave me."

"Mate, come on, Harry," he pulled me into a hug. "The girl is crazy for you, but yeah you should tread carefully. I mean, if you yelled at me like that," he raised his eyebrows and shook his head.

I shoved him lightly, "you'd yell right back then buy the next round," I joked. He nodded in agreement, laughing. "You're right though. I gotta get better. I have to be more careful," I said as we stepped up to the window to give our order.

Oh Maddie, I ache inside thinking of how many times I've hurt you. I've let you down time and time again. You've got enough people in your life who've hurt you, and the last thing you needed was me to do it too. You said to me once that I didn't need to be careful with you, but baby I do. I'm deeply flawed, and anger is without doubt the worst of my flaws. I never want to hurt you, to let you down again, and I want to cry now writing this, knowing how many more times I have and will. It's my one regret in life, and the thing I need to work on the most. I just pray that you'll continue to forgive me, that I can repair what I've broken.

All of that was on my mind the next day as Liam and I organised Robin's stag do. He and mum were due to be married in just two days. When I asked Robin at the tailor what sort of party he wanted, he just laughed and said he didn't need one, that he'd been married before. But my stepbrother Mike agreed, so we pushed again. He finally gave in and said we could have a little something at a pub. So I tasked Liam with getting stuff to decorate and started calling all of Robin's mates. Though he feigned disinterest in the event, Robin went all mushy when he saw all his friends assembled for him, until Liam draped a groom sash over his shoulder and placed a stag antler head band atop his head. Then he laughed, a deep guffaw that shook his whole body.

Liam had gone all out. There was a banner that read Congratulations, Robin! And a huge bowl full of party poppers. In one corner of the room, Liam had set up a little photo booth with a ton of silly accessories. As the party got into full swing, I took a few shots. The liquor made me sad, and I thought of you, crying after I'd yelled at you. I took another shot to try and erase that image. Finally, I'd had enough to be silly drunk instead of sad drunk. At one point in the evening, I decided I had to wear the rainbow boa and red cowboy hat from the photo booth at all times. Yeah, I was pretty drunk. I started hugging every guy there. Okay, I was really drunk. Robin had to help me inside and upstairs when we got home, still wearing the boa and cowboy hat. Gemma came out of her room and took over, leading me towards her room.

"Whyyyyy?" I whined, or slurred, or maybe didn't even say it at all. "I want to go to my Maddie."

"Hazza you will regret that, I'm sure," Gemma argued. I stuck my tongue out at her as she pulled me down the hall. For some reason, I started laughing. Loud. You opened the door of my room. She looked at you, "This one had too much fun at the party." Did I? I frowned. It hadn't been much fun til the end, when I got all those hugs. All I'd done before that was miss you.

"Maddie!" I cried, trying to pull away from Gemma's iron grip.

"Shut up!" Gemma hissed, hitting me.

"Ow."

"Mum's asleep."

"Not anymore," mum said tiredly from her doorway. Gemma flinched, loosening her hold on me.

"Mummy!" I curled myself around her with my head on her shoulder.

"I'll go get him some water," you said quietly.

"Maddie!" I released my mum and tried to run to you. Instead I tripped and ended up on the floor. You were laughing. "Why are you laughing at me?" I pouted.

"I'm sorry," you smiled, walking closer.

"So pretty," I touched your cheek.

You rolled your eyes, my eye roll, "come on, cowboy," you extended your hand to me.

Instead of getting up, I tried to pull you down with me, but you just wouldn't fall like I did. "Yee-haw," I whispered into your ear. You laughed and shook your head again, and the three of you, my three girls, got me on my feet and into my bed.

Oh god.

"I'm sorry you had to see me like that," I apologised the next morning, squinting against the blaringly bright light. You just laughed again. "I really should apologise to mum too. She shouldn't be worrying about me stumbling around drunk."

"Harry, I think you're all right. We were all more amused than anything else. Well, maybe not Gemma," you laughed again, but there was tension in your shoulders and your laugh didn't reach your eyes. "Drunk Harry is pretty funny." I couldn't even remember the whole night.

Despite your assurances, I apologised to mum later and she said pretty much the same thing you did. No big deal etc etc, but I just felt like a disaster. A screw up. Mum was stressed with wedding plans. And you. Oh you. Liam had advised me to be more careful and instead I got wasted. And it affected you. I could see it did. I don't know why you didn't include this in your journal. Maybe you really weren't bothered, or maybe it bothered you too much. Whatever is the case, that day I felt like I had mountains to climb to get back to what we had before. I'd been someone for you to rely upon but lately, I was the source of your pain, or so out of it I couldn't be there for you. Dammit, I thought, I gotta get better. I've got to show her.

Maddie, all I want, ever, is for you to know, unquestioningly, unequivocally, that I love you, that I will always be there for you. Whenever that incredible strength of yours falters, I want you to know I'll be there to hold you steady. I need you to know it's not an empty promise, that I would do anything to keep you safe and make you feel loved. If we just hold each other tight, meet in the middle, find our way through the shadows into the light, Maddie, we can make this work. We have to.

~~~~~

Oh. My. God.

It's been more than TWO YEARS since I updated this book!

As many of you know, I had some health issues, which caused me to leave my teaching job in the fall of 2016. I still have those issues but now I guess I've dealt with the emotional pain of leaving my students and can write again? I mean, I guess?

I have a lot of the next chapter written already (and btw plans for books THREE AND FOUR), but idk when I'll have it for you. My goal is within the week, if not sooner. But it's thanksgiving this week in the US, so I'll be busy making Maddie's famous apple pie 😉🥧😉😉😉

Much love to all of you 💖