When I was four, I learned what it was to lose someone you love.

Max was my best mate. We spent every moment together. He was the one I told all my secrets to. I would even share my ice cream with him, and you know how territorial I am about my ice cream. He slept in my bed with me every night. He licked my face to wake me up, which made me laugh so hard.

I should probably mention he was my dog.

He was black, with white hairs around his nose and eyes from old age. He was ancient by the time I had any real memory of him. But he was everything to me. I can remember sitting on the floor of the kitchen in my underpants, my arms wrapped around his neck. He was taller than I was then.

That year, he got slower and slower. His vision seemed to be failing him, and he sometimes walked into the doorways, reversing and trying again. It would have been funny if it weren't so sad. His body became tender, and he would whimper or even snap if we tried to pet him. He hardly ate.

I just wanted to hug my arms round his shoulders like I had when I was littler. I just wanted to make him happy like he had always done for me. I just wanted him to be okay.

Mum took him round to the vet, obviously, to see what was wrong. I didn't learn til I was much older that he'd had a tumor in his stomach. There was nothing to be done. We had to euthanize him. Mum made me and Gem say goodbye to him at home--she didn't want us to be there when they actually put him to sleep.

But my childish mind couldn't grasp what had happened at first. I kept asking mum where he was. "Mummy, where's Max?" "Mummy, when is Max coming home?" I cried so much. I was so sad without him, and my bed felt so cold and empty without him. Okay, again. He was my dog. But he was my whole world.

My mum cried when she sat me down to explain it again. "Harry, my love," her voice cracked. "Max can't come back, sweetheart. He's gone forever."

"But whyyyyy?" I sobbed. Gemma held my hand, squeezing tighter as I cried harder.

"When someone dies, they go to heaven. Max is in heaven, with God. He's chasing bunnies in a huge field." Mum wiped at her tears.

Max did always love to chase the bunnies in our yard. I always felt a bit bad for the bunnies, but he never hurt them. Maybe it was a game. Maybe the bunnies were his friends. "Is he happy?" I asked hopefully, wondering if the bunnies would take care of him as well as I had.

"Yes, love. He's so happy. He's not hurting anymore, and," she stopped, wrapping her arms around me and Gemma. Her body shook. I didn't really understand then, but I get it now. She was sobbing. I was so sad and missed the dog so much. But I'd only known him for a few years. He'd been fifteen when he died. My mum had gotten Max when he was just a pup. She'd known him for fifteen years. It must have been so hard for her to try and comfort me when she needed comforting. She had lost someone she loved. A part of our family.

For the record, Maddie, I will be a sodding sobbing mess when Molly dies. I'm a sobbing mess writing this, hoping you won't wake up and catch me. I was a sodding sobbing mess when I lost you. We are family. I love you so much. I'll never do anything to make you want to leave again. I promise. I can't bear it. Fuck. I'm crying so much, it's shaking the bed, and I think you're going to wake up. I love you. 💖

~~~~~

I'm a sodding sobbing mess.

I've loved and lost so many pets in my life, and each one still hurts just as much as they day they died.

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