The memory of our first day in England for the holidays is a bit fuzzy to be honest. Of course I remember well the moment I saw my family. It had been far too long. When mum folded her arms around my back, I felt so warm and so loved, like I was four years old again. She had that familiar smell of home, so uniquely her. It was a mix of warm buttery sweets and earthy garden and some unidentifiable element that's just her. No one and nothing has ever smelled exactly like her, in my experience. She smelled like safety and comfort and...just mum. That undefinable scent of mum that instantly filled me with a sense of calm and security. I know you're not close with Meredith, but do you relate to this at all? Does your mum have this unique aroma of home and childhood?

Anyway, I remember noticing a crowd of paparazzi that day at the airport. As we walked to the car, I muttered to mum and Gem to ignore the cameras, as you had taught me. "Just don't say anything at all," I said when Gemma hissed that they were shouting questions. "They try to trick you into saying something they can use. Just pretend they aren't there at all."

The conversation during the ride to Holmes Chapel was a blur for me. My mind flooded with nostalgia, memories of a pleasant day spent here or an argument had there or the time Liam crashed his parents' car his first day driving, just across the road there.

But oh Maddie, I recall so vividly the look on your face when we finally got to my childhood home, and you saw the pictures of me hanging on the wall. You seemed to have become completely entranced and didn't even hear me calling your name. I knew the feeling. I felt the same way when I saw the pictures in your room and when you showed me the photo albums on Matt's birthday. Just completely lost in the pictures, lost in a past I never knew but felt so strongly, as if I had lived every moment of it with you.

The afternoon and evening sped by in a drowsy daze. Oh, of course it was beyond my wildest teenage fantasies to have you naked in my shower...but other than that, I can't remember many details until we settled into my tiny bed later, and my mind finally slowed, as did your breathing when you slumped into a deep sleep.

I lay there awake for another hour or maybe even two, gazing at my beautiful girl sleeping so soundly, at the dark night sky sprinkled with stars like sugar on a pastry, at the stark white walls of my room which were foreign in their barrenness. Careful so as not to rouse you, I stroked my fingers lightly along your arm, muttering adorations like my love, my beautiful, my Madelyn, marvelling at the reality of your presence there where I had oft dreamed of you. Where I had fantasised about you for years.

Is that creepy? It is, isn't it? God, I'm so creepy. I'm sorry.

There was just something about you being there in my home that made our relationship feel...kind of...different. I'm not quite sure how to express it. Our first few months had been, like, on your turf. In your world. I was a ship loosed from its moorings adrift in an unfamiliar sea. You were my mermaid, splashing through the waters, entrancing me, guiding me through your mystical undersea world. Even with our mutual I love yous, I was still lost, uncertain, anxious; I couldn't hold the helm. Here, though, with the ropes properly knotted on the dock, back on my home soil, in my home town, I felt sturdy, steady, on a proper heading. Confident. Mum was the beaming lighthouse beckoning me to shore. I felt sure of myself and sure of our love. The fact that you were here with me made me sure. But I was well aware you were a fish out of water, scared and gasping for air. I knew you needed me to help you find your footing among my family.

I drifted off to sleep with these nautical images floating behind my eyes and I love you floating from my lips. Strange dreams of familiar homes crumbling and unfamiliar faces dissolving haunted my sleep, and I startled awake some hours later, blinking away the darkness, squinting to make out your outlined form leaning toward the now open window.

I rasped, "Maddie, are you okay?"

You turned back to me, your face caught in profile against the low winter moon. I wished in that moment that I had any artistic talent. I would paint that image: your shadowed figure against the purple sky. You're so beautiful, even in utter darkness.

"I'm okay, it's just hot," you huffed.

"Sorry, baby, mum leaves the heat on all night. Leave the window open and come back to me." You curled against my side and kissed my neck. I let out a low hum, which spurred you on, it seemed, as you moved higher to my nibble ear. When you climbed on top of me, I ran my hands up your thighs to the lacy panties at your hips. My sleeping friend sprang to life.

"Fuck, these panties are sexy." Though you were still illuminated by the moon, I couldn't really see your bottoms and honestly don't remember now which ones they even were. All your panties are sexy to me.

"Yeah?" You sounded surprised.

I let my hands roam all over them, tracing the intricate pattern with my fingertips. "Yeah. The first time I saw you in your panties, I nearly came in my pants," I admitted. "And then you pulled the matching bra out from under your shirt. Oh god. I was so done for." You giggled and leaned down to kiss me. I hooked my fingers into the elastic band curving from your thigh around back. "But these, this," I grabbed a handful of your ass, "that's not what I'm in love with. I hope you know that. I want you, physically, yes. But I'm in love with you for who you are, Madelyn." It was important to me that you knew that. That you knew the physical wasn't the end game for me. Especially after our recent break from engaging in such activities. I needed you to understand that my love for you ran so much deeper than this physical lust.

You nodded, moonbeams reflecting from those dark eyes that so captivated me from the start, now wide and wondering. "Tell me," you whispered.

I trailed my fingers down the top of your thick beautiful thighs, always driving me so wild, now wide around me, "Tell you what, baby?"

Your voice trembled, "Tell me why you're in love with me," you were fragile and vulnerable and so absolutely lovely. Where in others this request might come across a needy artifice to elicit compliments, from you it was so pure and so raw and so genuine. It was endearing.

"Your wit, to start. You're so clever and smart and cheeky and I'm just so in love with your mind. I love the way your mind works." I ran my fingers through your hair; you tipped your head into my touch. I felt the heat of a blush radiating from your cheeks. "And you're so funny. That sort of goes along with the first part I guess. You are so funny, Maddie. You make me laugh every day and the way you see the world is so...amazing." I was shaking a little as I spoke, nervous for no real reason, except my love for you was so overwhelming. You took my hands in yours, as if you could sense I needed soothing. I went on, "You're so kind, so generous. So down to earth and humble. But I think the thing that truly captivated me from the very beginning," I squeezed your hands and tugged so that you leaned down to me, "is just how unbelievably strong you are. You inspire me so much, my love."

We kissed. Every kiss with you is unique and special and beautiful in its own way. This kiss was unique and special and beautiful in its delicacy. Our lips connected so softly, as a feather is kissed by the breeze. Every drop of love that coursed through my veins pulsed through my lips, pressing against yours with the desire only to convey that love.

But you were determined to convey a different sort of desire, it seemed, deepening that kiss, then moving those kisses down to my chest. You teased my torso with your tongue and teeth until you reached the waistband of my pants. The look you gave me as you slid one hand in, oh Maddie, you don't know what you do to me. And then your mouth. My body raced up the mountain of arousal, so close already to the peak. I stifled my groans, worried that my family would hear us. I became briefly paranoid that I could hear footsteps outside and reached down to alert you. You sucked with more vigour, and I literally could not bring myself to stop you, instead clawing my hands into the bedsheets. Still, the distraction of the possibility that someone was at the door was enough to loosen my carabiner and send me tumbling back down the hill, foiled and frustrated. You were determined to get me there, though, like the most skilled Sherpa.

Oh my god, Maddie. I'm so sorry. I'm such a dork. You are nothing like a tiny Nepalese man. Except in that you are quite skilled. 😉

When I finally reached that summit, you asked for my mouth. I was so ready to explore your cave. A spelunker on a mission. Okay, this mountain-climbing cave-diving metaphor may have gone too far.

Suffice it to say, we shared a beautiful and powerful moment of mutual desire and love, physically manifested. Sated and besotted, we fell asleep in one another's arms again. I'd truly never felt as happy in that house as I did that night.

I woke in the morning to your laughing. "What's going on?" I mumbled, still in the haze of sleep.

You pulled my hand around your body to your bare breast. "Gemma's just gotten an eyeful."

Shit. My heart began to thud. I don't know why exactly. It's not like my sister thought I was a celibate saint or something. It's not like she would tell our mum what she'd seen. You were still shaking with laughter. I allowed myself to find the humour in it, as you did, rather than dwelling on worry. "Well, now she's lived out one of her teenage fantasies, too."

You swatted at me, a playful gesture I had grown to love. When I gathered your wrists in my hand, you went limp and cuddled down onto my chest in surrender. "So Gemma watched the show, too?"

"Of course." I released your wrists, setting one of your hands on my moth tattoo. You began to trace its wings, as I hoped you would. As you often did. Another of my favourite gestures. It makes me feel...loved and special. "She's ridiculously obsessed. When I told her we were seeing each other, she asked what you smell like."

You laughed and buried your face against me, mumbling, "What did you say?"

"Caramel and coconut," I inhaled the familiar scent, like an aphrodisiac now in its familiarity.

You sighed and snuggled tighter, wrapping your arm around my waist. "I don't think Gemma really likes me, though."

"What?" I screeched. "What do you mean?" I felt that nervous pounding of my heart stirring again. What had she said? What had she done? I felt anger boiling up.

"She just...when she and your mom called me about the trip, she was kind of...she was upset about you getting arrested, I guess." You moved your hand to pet my tattoo again. I'm sure my body was tense with my heated emotions, and you once again showed that you were attuned to my moods, my needs. "And uh, well, she just kind of made it seem like she...just...doesn't...really...like me."

I thought back to the phone call in which she chewed me out about you. I was going to have to sit her down to talk about this. I was livid. "Madelyn, she wasn't upset with you, I assure you. She was angry with me. I'm sorry she took it out on you."

"But I mean, it was my fault," you argued.

"No," I insisted. "It wasn't. It was Jonas's fault. And mine. He never should have raised his hand to you like that, and I shouldn't have hit him so many times. You did nothing wrong. Gemma should not have laid this on you. And you can't put this on yourself either. It was me." I caressed your cheek as you looked up at me. "And Maddie, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I will never let anyone hurt you."

"I know," you stretched to reach my lips. "Thank you."

That kiss flamed into a full-fledged forest fire, and we repeated most of the previous night's activity, dousing the conflagration with our release.

I like analogies, okay? And alliteration.

"I've missed this," you whispered into a gentle kiss.

I kissed all over your face. "Me too, baby. I'm glad that you were strong enough to tell me what you needed, though."

"Thank you for giving me what I needed. Then, and now."

Always so cheeky. "Always, my precious--" the next word got stuck in my throat. I looked at you, fear flooding through me. Fuck. I called you precious. The word that had so deeply hurt you. As you had all night, you read my body language in that moment fluently, kissing me to break the tension. "It was my pleasure," I murmured with a sigh.

We laid in bed and talked about everything from movies and music to my past relationships to our experiences travelling to different countries, to just the minutiae of everyday life. Like painting a landscape, we were filling in the background with trees and mountains and people to make the image complete.

After dinner that night, you stepped outside to call Mitch about something. Mum went upstairs to ring Robin. I stayed in the kitchen, washing the dishes with Gem.

"So, um, Gem. I wanted to talk about your birthday."

She stilled with a plate in her hand and turned toward me warily. "Okay..."

"I get that you were angry with me for missing mum's birthday."

She nodded adamantly. "You're damn right I was."

"I get it. Believe me I do. You were right to be upset with me. Hurting mum is never okay." She widened her eyes then nodded and went back to washing the plate. "But," she snapped her head back up to me, "what you said about Maddie really bothered me--"

"She--"

"No, let me finish. You have completely misjudged her. My mistakes are my own, not hers. I failed to call mum. I punched Jonas. I did the things that bothered you, not her. She is nothing but supportive and protective of me. Whatever happens in the future, I just ask that you give her a chance and judge her based on her actions, not mine." I watched her for a moment, trying to gauge her reaction, but her face was rather impassive. "This is the girl I'm going to marry, Gem. I'm completely in love with her. I need you to give her a chance. Okay?"

She nodded, sighing. "I know I was unfair in the way I spoke about her...and to her." I raised my eyebrows. I wasn't going to sell you out by explicitly saying that you'd told me, but she gave me the details herself, recounting your phone call. "I'm sorry. She's nothing like that, I get that, and she obviously cares for you so so much." She hugged me, holding her wet hands away from my body. "I love you, Haz. I'm sorry I was so hard on her, on both of you."

"It's okay, Gemmy. My fierce little bulldog." She growled. "Always guarding my back."

"Always."

I left her to finish cleaning up and went in search of mum. You clicked the back door closed as I walked past. "Hey baby. I was just going to find my mum. But I can catch her later. You wanna watch tv or something?"

"No, love, go on and spend some time with your mom. I'll be fine here," you waved your hand at the sofa in the lounge. "I have a bunch of messages to return."

"Are you sure?"

You nodded. "Oh! Um. By the way..." You flicked your eyes from your phone to my face and back, "I've been nominated for a Golden Globe. Best actress in a comedy series."

I beamed at you. "Of course you have. Congratulations, my beautiful girl. You deserve it, and so much more."

You blushed adorably, ever humble. "Thanks. Um. The ceremony is the weekend we get back to LA...would you want to go with me?"

"Yeah?" I questioned. You nodded, biting your lip. "Yeah! Of course I would. I'd be honoured to be by your side, Madelyn. Then and always."

"Okay. Okay, cool. It's usually kind of boring, but it'll be a lot more fun with you there. And um, Mitch said there's a network after party and the guys are invited to that. They'll each have a plus one, too, actually."

"Oh yeah?" I imagined Liam's face when he heard this news. "That's so nice of him. Tell him thanks for me."

"I will." You held up your phone. "Well. I'll get to this. You go on and catch up with your mom."

I gave you a quick peck and trotted upstairs. I found mum sitting on the edge of her bed, just clicking off the call with Robin. "Hi mummy."

"My baby," she stood and put her hands on my cheeks. "My sweet darling boy." We hugged for a long time. "I've missed you so much."

"Oh, mummy. I've missed you, too. I love you." She kissed my cheek, then wiped at the tears pooling in her eyes. "How come Robin isn't here?"

"He's with Mike, Carol, and Archie. We thought it might be overwhelming for Maddie to have them all here, but he wanted to spend the holidays with them."

"Aw, mum, I'm sorry. I had no idea you'd be apart like this. Maybe they can still come down."

"No, no," she waved her hand. "It's fine. He's coming back down for dinner a few times, and he'll be here Christmas Day, so it's okay." She started shuffling things around, kind of scatterbrained, like. "Where is it?" She muttered to herself. "Ah. Here. Do you have the pictures for me? I want to finish Maddie's gift." I hurried to my room and pulled them out of my carryon bag. She grinned so broadly when she examined the pictures of you. "Harry, she's so lovely." She looked up into my eyes. Holding the pictures aloft, she went on, "and not just in photographs. She's really such a lovely girl. I can see why you've fallen so hard."

I grinned at her. "She is an easy girl to love."

"Sit, my beautiful boy. Tell me everything. Tell me about LA. Tell me about school. Tell me about the boys and your music. Tell me about your love."

And so I did. I caught my mum up on the last year of my life. Obviously we spoke on the phone regularly, but you can never express everything that way. It was so nice to share it all with her. And while I talked, she put the finishing touches on your gift. She held it up for me to see.

"Oh, she'll love it," I smiled, warm with the anticipation of seeing your face when you opened it.

She wrapped it in pretty shiny paper. Then she went to her jewellery box. "Darling, grandma would be so proud of the man you've become, of the love you've found." She turned with a delicate ring in her hand. "She would be honoured to know you gave this to the girl you gave your heart to."

I stood and hugged her. "Thank you." I was emotional. "We're not there yet, but I know one day we will be."

"Take it now, anyway. You love her. She loves you. Everything else can be sorted."

I nodded into her hair, still clutching her in a tight embrace. "I love you so much, mummy. I'm so grateful for everything you've done for me."

"My sweet boy, I would lasso the moon and corral the stars for you."

I kissed her cheek again. "I would do anything for you too, mum."

As I left her room, I examined the ring. It is beautiful, Madelyn. Fitting for my queen. I know that you will love it. And I think you know by now that this is the future I see for us. We've said as much. I'm just kind of waiting for the perfect moment to ask you, like, in a grand gesture that you will never forget. I want the day I propose to you to be the greatest of your life. I want to show you how much I love you, to show you how much I treasure you.

I tucked the ring away in my wallet, my stomach fluttering with a swarm of breathtaking, wonderful emotions. It's fluttering that way now, writing this. If I'm honest, you kind of always make me fluttery.

~~~~~

Special thanks to the lovely and talented hesinstripes for spending the day with me as I worked on this chapter. You have her to thank for the idea of the spelunking and mountain climbing metaphors. 🌋

Thank you as always for reading. Please vote and leave me a comment or two or twenty. 💖