A mere twenty minutes after we'd fallen asleep, I woke with my cock pressed into your bottom. I'd come to bed half hard and sweet dreams made up for the other half. I slid out of bed quietly and scuttled to the loo to take care of it. But as I glanced back at you, your cheeky panties revealing so much rounded flesh, I decided I wanted to look at you. Ya know. While. Oh god.

I really am so creepy sometimes. I'm sorry.

I got some lotion and the box of tissues from the counter by the sink and got back into bed. I slid the waistband of my boxer briefs down just enough to reveal my cock. I touched it lazily, softly, for a moment, admiring the curve of your hips. When my eyes landed on the shadowed space where your thighs touched just below your bum, my cock gave a little jerk in my hand. I moved my hand more intentionally now, sliding along with more force and fervor. I wanted to hurry. God forbid you were to catch me like that, watching you sleep while I wanked off. A wave of shame rushed over me, and I closed my eyes, remembering the way you felt in my lap earlier. I stifled a groan and moved my hand faster, trying to stay as quiet and still as I could so as not to wake you. Fuck. I peeked at your backside again, so round, so full. "Fuck," I breathed with my release, spilling over my hand and onto my stomach.

I wiped up and tossed the tissues in the bin, took a piss, and came back to bed. My face was hot with this odd mixture of guilt and arousal. I pressed my cheek against your cool skin, curled my body around yours, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, I woke with you pulling on my arm, trying to loosen my grasp. Without opening my eyes, I tightened my hold. "Stay with me," I said, burying my face deeper into your hair, inhaling a deep sigh scented sweet like candy.

You strained against my hold. "Don't mock me." I released you, and you sat at the edge of the bed, with your back to me. I had never heard your voice so hard. So cold. Glacial. My heart started to race, trying to warm my chilled body.

I didn't know what was happening, but it felt all too familiar. I pulled you back to me, praying you'd soften under my touch. "I want you to stay with me," I explained. Begged. My voice was shaking, I could hear it, just like my hands were shaking. "I'm not mocking you, Maddie. I..." I love you. I almost said it again. I didn't want to say it then. I didn't want to say it when you were upset. To use it as a way to pacify you. And the more you stared at the ceiling instead of me, the more your body tensed in my embrace, the less certain I was that you loved me. I didn't know what to say, though. I ran my hand through my hair, that nervous habit, and sighed in defeat, "I don't understand what's happening right now." Your chin wobbled and your eyes filled with tears. Fuck. What the hell did I do? My brain replayed the last twelve hours. Did she see me jerk off? She thinks I'm a creep. A tear slid from your eye and down your temple toward you hair. No, this is bigger. Why don't we go there.... Oh no. I promised you I wouldn't pressure you, and then I did just that, touching you when you weren't ready to be touched. I couldn't believe I was making the same mistakes again. The biggest mistake I made with Abby was leaving her alone with her pain. I wouldn't, I couldn't do that to you. I dropped my hand from my hair onto yours instead, brushing strands stuck to your tears away from your face. "Maddie, I'm so sorry. You clearly told me you weren't ready for more, and I pressed you. I shouldn't have done that. I never want to make you feel like you have to do something. I just. I thought... I thought you would like it."

Fuck. Fuck.

I sounded like such an asshole. I don't want to pressure you, but hey you should have liked it. What the fuck was wrong with me? How the hell was I going to salvage this? I was beating myself up in my mind, calling myself all sorts of names. Idiot. Loser. Asshole. I had this overwhelming feeling that I was on the edge of losing you. Just like I had lost Abby. I held my breath, afraid that if I said any more, I would well and truly end us.

"I did like it. It's not that. It's not you. It's me."

No. Nonononononononono.

I felt tears forming. No. No. This...no. "Are you breaking up with me?" I managed to ask. I couldn't breathe. My heart was hammering so hard inside my chest that I thought it would spring a leak.

"What? No!" You looked at me like I was crazy, and even though you rejected the notion immediately, I still felt like we were over. Or would be soon. I don't know how to explain it. I felt like the rug had been ripped out from under me, throwing me all off kilter. Like I was just starting to feel like what we had really was love, and here you were shutting down on me, shutting me out. And it was my fault. That was the worst part. I could have prevented this if I had only kept my fucking hands to myself. "Why would you say that? I literally begged you to stay with me."

"You said that 'it's not you, it's me' shit people always say," my voice cracked. Fucking hell, I was a mess. I honestly don't know how I held it together. "What's going on, Maddie? Tell me, please."

You started to sob and covered your face with your arm, your whole body shaking. I kissed the side of your arm exposed to me, urgently wanting to comfort you as my own tears spilled over. I swiped them off my cheek in one swift motion. "Harry, you just don't understand how messed up I am. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to feel this. All of this. I don't know how to, how to be...normal. I'm sorry. I'm a fucking idiot," your words came out like wails, and even though you said later that you thought I couldn't possibly understand what you'd said, my love, I heard you well. I pulled you closer, wrapping my arms tight around your back, my fingers circling slowly across your shoulder blades. And my too-fast heart clenched, aching to hear you cry like that. I hated that I had made you cry like that. I hated hearing you talk about yourself like that. (Yes, I know, I was thinking the same sort of dark thoughts about myself...)

"Baby, oh god, Maddie, I..." I love you. I loved you so very much. All I wanted was to make you understand how much I cared, how highly I thought of you, how wrong you were. When I looked at you, I didn't see someone who was messed up or broken or idiotic. I saw someone who was scared. Who had been hurt. But instead of pushing me away, as difficult as it was, you opened up, dissolving the wall that had been raised. That takes such strength. I think if someone were to ask me to describe you in one word, the answer would be strong. It was the quality I admired most in you. Your strength is beautiful. Like a diamond. It came from a dark place, as a diamond comes from coal. But that suffering is fuel; it made you who you are. That strength might not always be evident, hidden by layers of dirt and rock, but you shine because you are strong. "You have no idea how beautiful you are to me."

You sucked in a huge breath and took your arm away from your face. "I need tissue." I handed you some and waited while you cleaned up. "I'm not as crazy as I seem," you looked up at me finally. Baby, you are so beautiful. When you cry, your long lashes stick together and your usually pale cheeks and lips go red. I kissed you, just the gentlest grazing of my lips against yours. "Last night was amazing. It's just... I have never felt so exposed, so vulnerable in my life. Not just because of the physical stuff. But because of all these fucking emotions. I'm trying so hard to be the real me buried underneath all this shit from my past, but it's hard. It's so fucking hard. The way that I begged you to stay with me, telling you that I need you, that I...that...was so hard. And right now I thought you were making fun of me."

Madelyn, you have often said you don't know how to be normal. That may be true. You are not normal. You are extraordinary. This bare honesty is unusual. Most people are hiding behind a façade. You are the exception. A beautiful exception. An awe-inspiring exception. "I need you, too," I said, for a start. I've never needed anyone in my life, but I know I would never be the same without you. You make me into a better version of myself. More creative, more generous, more thoughtful. Steadier and stronger. I am so much stronger with you beside me. "I really meant that I wanted you to stay, and I've never felt this way before, Maddie." I had never felt anything this intense. I had never felt such a strong connection to someone, so quickly and so completely. "About anyone." I hoped you'd understand, that you'd read between the lines and know I loved you without my having to say it. I don't know why it was so hard to say it. The way you kissed me hinted that you did understand, that you knew.

"I'm sorry for freaking out and shutting down instead of listening to you," you finally made lasting eye-contact. I kissed you again. "Thank you for staying. Last night and now."

"There's nowhere else I want to be."

When I awoke, the sun was streaming in through your French doors, and you were nowhere to be seen. I took a quick shower and handled my morning wood, double entendre intended. I pulled on some grey joggers and found you in the kitchen, unloading food from a Sal's bag. I pouted, complaining that you left me there alone.

"I always get up before the sun, so I get a bit restless if I'm still in bed when it rises. I've only been up for a few hours. I swam a bit, ordered breakfast."

I ran my hand over your wet hair, "Maddie the mermaid," and pulled you in for a kiss. We had a playful morning, kissing and cuddling as we ate our bacon sandwiches. Your mood was so bright after such a dark night; I wasn't sure what to make of that. You always seemed to bounce back from difficulties so easily; was that just a learned resilience? As I got ready for work, your face fell. "I'll stay, if you want me to."

"I always want you to stay."

Such a simple sentence, with such significant sentiment.

You sent me off to work, though, and as I walked down the hill, I called home. Gemma answered, and I chatted with her briefly.

"How's the damsel in distress?" Sarcasm dripped from every word.

"Don't be such a snot, Gem."

"What? I'm just worried about you, Haz. You have never hit anyone, now suddenly you're a UFC champ and a felon."

I gritted my teeth, "I'm serious, Gem. Drop it."

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. So really, though, how are you guys?"

"We're good."

"That's it? That's all I get?"

"When I tell you shit, you throw it back in my face," I snapped.

"I'm sorry," her tone finally matched her words. "Please tell me how you're doing? You're so far away, and I just want to know that you're okay."

"We're good. I'm completely crazily in love with her."

She made this weird awwing sound. "I'm happy for you."

"Are you?" I wasn't trying to be a dick. I just...she was just calling out our relationship. She didn't seem happy.

She sighed, "Yes, I really am. Please don't mistake my worry for criticism or lack of support."

"Okay. Well, yeah. Things are great."

"So, you're in love. How does she feel? I mean are you guys saying it?"

"No, not yet." I pushed my hair out of my face and reached for the back door of Sal's. "I want to tell her; I just want to make sure the timing is right."

"Are you, I mean have you guys...are you intimate?"

"Gemma!" I balked. She muttered an apology through her laughter. "Not...not everything. Hold on a second." I changed into the white uniform shirt with my name embroidered on the pocket. "Okay. I mean, so yeah we've...just kinda barely reached third base. Sorta." She giggled. "Shut up!"

"I'm sorry," she panted, "you're just so awkward."

"Of course I'm awkward! We're discussing my sex life!" She laughed again. I glanced at the clock. I had ten minutes left. I decided to explain what happened the night before and get a female perspective. So I summarised, skipping over the major details of our actual physical contact, and elucidated the emotional impact it had on you. I was still a little freaked out, and just wanted to know if I still needed to do more to make you feel comfortable.

"Whoa. That's...heavy," Gemma said after a drawn out pause. "How is she today?"

"Well, funny you'd ask, 'cause I was reflecting on that as I walked to work. She's fine. Like totally fine. As if it never happened."

"Maybe she's bipolar?"

"I don't know. I just..."

"You said the other day that being with her sometimes was like a roller coaster. Like you didn't know if she was going to be up or down..."

"That's quite a leap," my mum said in the background. Oh fucking Lord. Had she heard me talking about the sex stuff?

"I'm just saying--" Gemma started to defend herself.

"It's just not very nice to make assumptions about people's mental health, darling. Maddie has, from everything Harry's told me, lived a far more difficult life than most. It makes sense that she..." Mum's voice trailed off, or maybe Gemma covered the phone or I don't know, but when Gem came back on the line, she apologised and said mum was right.

I stuck my phone in my pocket and got to work. Sal was cranky as hell right away because I was a little bit late. I hustled to collect the deliveries and get out of there, so bothered by his tone. I got lost in West Hollywood, where Santa Monica splits into two streets, north and south, and was even more late delivering the last order to an even more confusing apartment complex. The guy gave me a shit gratuity and bad attitude to match.

When I got back to Sal's all I wanted was to take my lunch break and come home to you. I made us both sandwiches, tossed fifteen bucks into the cash register, and took the van to drive up to your place, calling out to Sal that I had another delivery. Was it entirely honest? Okay, no. But technically, someone ordered a sandwich to be delivered to your house, and why should it matter that it was me?

I knocked lightly on your door and waited. No answer. I knocked again, just a touch louder. Still no answer. Your car was in its usual spot, and I thought maybe you might have gone running, or maybe there was something wrong. Figuring it would be locked if you'd gone out, I tried the knob. It turned. Now I was really worried.

"Maddie?" I called as I pushed open the door, stepping into the dim entryway. Something was different. I froze, listening, but there was no sound. It felt like...like when someone had been in your room when you weren't there, and you could just tell something was off. "Maddie are you here?" I walked into the kitchen. Things had definitely been moved around since I was there that morning. And there was a strong scent of...bleach. My mind raced, stupid CSI shows flashing through my thoughts. Where is she? Is she okay? Why are all the lights off, and why is her car here? I set the sandwiches down on the marble work surface and jogged down the hall, glancing into your dark office, to your room. A small robotic vacuum rolled out from under the bed and headed toward the closet, scaring the shit out of me. "Maddie?" I shouted. Calm down, Harry. She's fine. She's fine. She's probably just out and forgot to lock the door. But no because you never would leave it unlocked, for your own safety, for your privacy. I rubbed my face with both hands and walked back out to the living room. A flash of movement in the garden caught my eye. A hummingbird. It hovered around the tropical looking pink flowers that lined your back fence. I went to the door anyway, since the garden was the only place I hadn't searched. You were curled up on a patio chair with your back to the door. "Maddie?" You didn't stir at all. "Maddie!" I shouted. You jumped and turned halfway. Your face was streaked with tears. "I've been calling your name. What's going on? Are you all right?"

"I was just talking to the shrink," you wiped at your face as you stood, shaking.

It was windy and cold, and you were wearing a tank top, shorts, and running shoes. "Come inside," I reached for you. "It's freezing out here." I tried not to be freaked out, finding you like that. Figuratively frozen, as your emotions seemed to have paralysed you and as the chilled autumn air must have stung your bare skin. I thought about what Gemma said, what mum said. This...this worried me. I worried that there would be moments like this when your past, your grief would overwhelm you and I wouldn't know how to help. And that I would lose you as a result. I thought about how mum always helped me. She listened. She reassured. She gave me physical comfort in a warm hug, a gentle touch.

I listened as you explained that it was Matt's birthday, that he would have been 21 if he'd lived. I nodded reassurances. I touched your hand, caressing it gently with my thumb. "I've been so happy," you continued, and I met your eyes in surprise, "that I forgot what day it was. Usually, around this time of year, I am marking off the days in my mind. Thirty more days until his birthday. Five. Four. Three. This year, I didn't even notice it had arrived." I picked through the thoughts strewn around my brain, like searching for a clean shirt. What could I say that would be safe? That would make things better and not worse? I discarded so many on the dirty pile, and ended only with a simple are you okay? Like a plain white tee shirt; sometimes that's all you need. You nodded, "I'm happy. You make me really happy, Harry."

I don't know if I'll ever truly be able to tell you how much those words meant to me. "You make me so happy too, Maddie." We joked about doubling Kline's pay and finished our lunch. As I cleared the refuse, I said, "I really don't want to leave you here. I'm going to ring Sal."

"No, I'm really okay, Harry. I have to call my mother, anyway."

"That's good." I pulled you into a hug and kissed the side of your head several times. "I'm sure she's a mess today."

I drove back down to Sal's and as soon as I walked into the back room from the carpark, Sal started shouting at me. Blah blah blah late. Blah blah blah van. Blah blah blah respect. I finished my shift by cleaning every surface in the store, including the toilets, as some sort of sadistic punishment. I was completely shattered, all my energy drained by the time I left at five.

As I walked up the hill to your house, I told myself to push down the frustration I was feeling and put on a happy face. To put your needs before mine.

You were on a call to your mother when I came into the kitchen. "I have to go mom; he just got home." There was a pause while she replied. "No. Sort of. On weekends." What did she ask? I couldn't help but wonder. I beamed at you, a face so full of rainbows, there had to be a pot of gold somewhere. "I'll call you in a couple days. I love you, mom." You looked like you immediately regretted saying it. A moment later, as you dropped your hand away from your face, you started to cry.

"What happened?" I moved closer, one hand low around your waist and the other wiping at your tears.

"She told me she loved me." I frowned. It was clear that this was not something you heard often. It made me so very sad to think of tiny little Maddie, feeling lost and unloved. Heartbreaking.

"Of course she does," I murmured into your hair. Reassurance and a warm hug. My hands made small circles on your back, a gentle touch.

"She wants to meet you."

I pulled away to meet your gaze. "I'd love to meet her," a gentle kiss. Your whole body seemed to relax, though I could feel your hands still clinging to the back of my shirt. "Are you hungry? Wanna watch tv?" You shook your head, chewed on your lower lip, batted those long eyelashes at me. "Make out?"

"Now we're talking." Ha! Always so insatiable.

We sat in your living room and kissed, but it wasn't really 'making out.' Every movement was slow and tender. I kissed you with love instead of passion. My hands shook like the first time, but I didn't even care if you noticed. You had bared yourself to me, time and time again, showing me your vulnerability and your strength. I would let you see mine, too.

That night was one of my favourite moments with you. In part because of the shift in the way we kissed. But also because you showed me the photo album of you and Matt. You told me the stories behind the photos, your memories of him. You talked about how much he had meant to you, how you had looked up to him. You told me how hard it was to lose him, how it broke you. You cried, and I cried with you.

For the girl you were that night, and for the girl you'd been before. Lost. Broken. With no one to tell her she was loved.

~~~~~

Thank you so much for reading! I appreciate each and every one of you!!

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