I woke up at 4:15 the next morning, excitement fluttering in my stomach like when I was a kid at Christmas, or right before going on stage for a gig, or when I looked into your dazzlingly dark eyes. I made the rounds, waking up the rest of the guys. When they got downstairs, Louis and Zayn both grumbled about needing coffee, and Niall chimed in that he needed food. I told them all to suck it up as we stepped outside.

You came around the front of your Rover and gave me a quick kiss, "Morning."

"Factually true, visually false," Louis griped.

"Not one for early days?" You chuckled and hugged each of my bandmates in turn. There was a chorus of cranky voices. "All right, come on. They've got coffee and breakfast treats on set." Amazing how quickly they changed their tune.

Zayn and Niall were the grumpiest and therefore were relegated to the back, with Liam and Louis taking the centre row of seats. Once we were all buckled in, you rested your hand on my arm, nails painted a metallic coppery colour, and steered us down to the lot one-handed. At the security gate outside the studio, you stopped and spoke with the guard. Liam was leaning over Louis in a desperate attempt to see outside.

"Mr. Gaston said I'm to collect paperwork for the visitors before giving them badges," the young guard said. He was puny. Tiny. It caused me a brief moment of worry to think you were so ill protected by this slight figure until his much larger partner arrived.

You turned to me, "you got the NDAs?"

"Yeah, they're right here," I slid a folder out of my bag and handed it to you. We'd all happily signed away our rights to discuss the show. Just getting to see where it was filmed in person was worth never being allowed to talk about the show again, ever.

The scrawny guard glanced at the papers, scribbled on his clipboard, and handed over a set of visitor badges.

"Visitors must be accompanied at all times."

You nodded and replied, "yeah yeah, I know." I was pretty sure I caught the end of an eyeroll. Do you roll your eyes at everyone? It's not just me?

You drove through the gate and pulled into the first parking spot, which had a plaque with your name on it, and I caught Liam sneaking a picture of it as I handed him the name tags.

Louis laughed out loud when he took the pile to find his and hand the last two back to Zayn and Niall. "Here you go, Naill!" He laughed so loudly in that confined space, mockery bouncing off the tinted windows.

Liam stuck his name tag on a little too excitedly, poking himself with the pin. "Agh!" He winced and corrected his aim. But as he got out of the car, his excitement erupted again. "How cool that you get your own spot just right inside the gate like this."

"Oh, yeah," you waved your hand indifferently. "It's because I leave before most everyone else, for school." You opened the door of a large caravan type building next to your parking space. "This is my trailer," you gestured for us to go in. I waited beside you while the lads hurried in, exchanging eager discussion about what they saw. I leaned down to kiss you, sliding my lips between yours delicately. You blushed, a lovely radiant pink, mirroring the haze in the sun-kissed sky. Your voice dropped to an almost inaudible level, "Thanks for coming." As if I was doing you a favour.

"Thanks for having us," I smiled down at you.

"Oi," Louis called from the door of your trailer, "you said there'd be coffee?" I glared at him, hating how his crass self-interest disrupted our moment.

You stepped halfway up and stuck your head into the trailer, the inside of which I had yet to see, and beckoned the rest of my band to follow you. We walked across the lot to the huge studio building, all of us marvelling at the mural of the marina. As we approached, a man with a headset came out of the building.

"Cal," you held up your hand in greeting. "This is Harry, my boyfriend," you rested that hand on my shoulder, "and his band." You named each of them. "Cal is one of the writers and directors." After a round of handshakes and casual greetings, we went inside.

It was incredible. It was so brightly lit inside the huge warehouse. Liam and I shared an excited glance as we took in the facades of your fake tv life, this fake tv town bustling with people, most of whom wore nondescript clothing and headsets for communication, like Cal had.

You rested your hand on my arm, introducing me to another person. I turned to see Niall with an entire doughnut in his mouth and another in each hand. Mitch approached, laughing, and told us all to help ourselves, shaking each of our hands in turn.

"Maddie, we've got about an hour, maybe a smidge more before call time."

"Okay. I'll just show them around quickly then get ready while the cast do some pics." Pics? Liam literally jumped. You didn't see because he was behind you. He literally jumped. I waved to get his attention then drew my finger across my neck. Murder. There would be a murder if he got embarrassing. "Grab your coffee and such, and follow me," you started walking backwards, sliding your hand down my arm and into my hand. "Behind me you see the front facades for wide exterior shots. We usually just use them for cut-aways."

As you led us around the studio, you paused every time we crossed someone's path to introduce us. This is my boyfriend Harry, you would say. Every time. I felt like a summer thundercloud, floating and filled with intense electric energy, ready to explode, unleashing a torrent. Okay, that just got a little grotesque. Not like that. More like...love. I was bursting with love for you.

I learned a lot about you that day, just watching how you were with all of them. You greeted everyone you saw by their given name. You acknowledged their hard work, their good work, their loyalty. You've said you aren't affectionate, yet you showed your crew they mattered with a kind word, a brief gesture, a shared laugh. And they all loved you. So much. Admiration and concern for you was painted across every face in that building, including mine, I'm sure.

We turned the corner to the back of the studio, and you paused for a moment to speak with a guy you introduced as Bob, a gaffer. I had no idea what a gaffer was, but you seemed to know him well, and his face lit up when he saw you. Like you were an angel.

"How's your wife?" You asked after the usual introductions.

"She's doing better, thanks, Maddie. Still not out of the woods entirely, but much better." You gave him a half-hug. "And thanks for, for...all your help."

"Of course, yeah." You shook your head. "Please give Terry my best, and Bob, please let me know if there's more I can do."

"You've already done so much. We really appreciate it." He looked a bit choked up and excused himself.

As we continued further into the three-dimensional sets, Jenna and Louise approached. "Sorry boys. I have to steal this one away," Lou wiggled your shoulders from behind.

"She has to make it look like I have no pimples."

"You don't have pimples," Liam said immediately. You laughed and shook your head as you walked away, our fingers joined to the last stretched second. Once you were out of sight and I suspect also earshot, Liam turned to Jenna. "Um, Jenna, Bob the gaffer--"

"Oh, yeah. Great guy--"

"What, um, what happened to his wife?"

"She has lung cancer," Jenna said quietly, shaking her head with a wan expression. "Never smoked a day in her life. Just bad fucking luck."

"How did Maddie help them?" Louis asked, bolder than I ever could have been. Yet I was dying to know the answer.

"She held a fundraiser to cover the costs of an experimental treatment the insurance wouldn't cover." Jenna led us into the Turner family kitchen and leaned against the back counter, carrying on with the tale. "And then she fought with the network to increase the health insurance for all the union workers on our staff, which in turn forced all the major networks to renegotiate their union contracts." Louis raised his eyebrows at her, clearly impressed. As we all were. "And then she covered Mrs. Dolman's salary so the family wouldn't struggle while she was unable to work." You had spoken to Bob the gaffer so casually. Like it was no big thing. Like it was nothing to do that for him and his family. But it was clearly everything. You were an angel to him, to her, to everyone who loved her. How had we never heard about any of this until now?

"Does she work here?" Liam pressed his hand flat on your tv kitchen counter, looking down at it for a moment with an expression of absolute awe that he was actually there.

Jenna shook her head, "No. She's a teacher." God help me. I nearly ran to you, took you in my arms, and told you I loved you right then.

"Why would she do that?" Zayn muttered, not low enough to escape hearing.

"We're a family," Jenna answered immediately, unfazed by the impertinence of Zayn's question. "When one of us hurts, all of us hurt. Everyone here has been with us since the beginning. Many of them have worked with Maddie since she was four years old." They must have worked on the Grumpus movies, I reasoned. "So you're asking the wrong question."

"What's the right question?" Zayn asked, almost a challenge.

"How did I get so lucky to have her in my life?' Jenna stared pointedly at Zayn. When she turned towards me, I gave her my best apologetic face. How did I get so lucky to have her in my life? It's the question I ask myself every day. "So, I have to get my hair and makeup done and then we have to film a pretty big scene today. Let's go back over to the craft services table, and as the other cast members come onto the set, you can get pictures with them, if you want."

I slipped out of the large bay door and across the small roadway to your trailer. The door was standing open, and you waved me in. I pressed my nose into your hair and whispered, "can I stay with you?" Your dark eyes met mine as I pulled away. You nodded, so I took a seat on the sofa to the left of the door. You held my gaze as Louise fussed with your hair, and as soon as she was gone, you sat on my lap (I so loved it when you sat on me) without a word and kissed me.

"You better be dressed!" Mitch called into the trailer. You rolled your eyes as you climbed off me. "Come on, kid, we gotta film some shit today. You ready to cry?"

"Ugh, I guess." Back inside the large studio, I wrapped my arms gently around your waist. You smiled back at me and poked at my dimple with your forefinger. "This way," you murmured. Your tv family had assembled in your tv kitchen and stood taking pictures with my band. You tugged on my hand and we slid into the edge of the shot. Then you introduced me to the rest of them. Sam shook my hand, hard. It reminded me of how Robin crushed Gemma's first boyfriend's hand. The poor fellow never stood a chance. Sam wasn't just your tv dad. Jenna wasn't just your tv mom. This place wasn't just your tv home. They loved and protected you as real parents do. It sheltered you, as a home must.

"Okay, let's get the shot set, please," Cal shouted from the shadows. Louise and a few other staff came and made final touches as the lads and I moved behind the camera. "Lights up." The windows lit up, as if sun were streaming in, like magic. Liam and I exchanged another amazed glance. It all looks so real on the small screen, but here in person, we saw the science behind the magic. "And places." There was a shuffling of bodies. "All right, we're editing out the sound in the first twenty seconds or so, so just start talking about anything at all," your tv family burst to life, "and roll camera."

It was fascinating. The camera angles, the false doors, the light and sounds. Bob the gaffer, with his hand in almost everything, switched things off and on, making the flat fiction into a 3D reality.

And you. Oh, you. My beautiful girl. My love. You were entrancing to watch. You have this captivating charisma that comes out when the camera is on you. Like you were born for it. Like it was in your blood. And God when you cried. My heart was clawing at my chest, trying to reach you. You evoked this emotion with such ease. You made everyone in the room feel what you were feeling, what your character was feeling. It was extraordinary. Magical. Perhaps that empathic magic is real after all.

"Cut." Cal uttered, so low I doubted if the cast and crew actually heard. "Jesus," he rubbed his hands over his face.

"We good?" Mitch asked. You'd done the scene maybe five times. The first four felt like a warmup in comparison to what we just watched.

Cal nodded. "We can watch it back if you want to make sure."

He shook his head. "Nah. I don't think any other take could top that." He held a thumbs up sign to you, "good job, kid. Way to cry." You wiped your face on your shirt, exposing your pale belly. Mitch laughed, and I looked at him confused, but a glance back at you explained it all. You had your shirt tucked into your hands, covering your face, with both middle fingers extended. When you let the fabric fall away, you too were laughing. Mitch waved an irritated hand at you, "Go on, you're done for the day."

"You guys can watch them film a bit more while I get changed," you said to Liam, taking my hand without even a glance at me, and dragging me along behind you. I stumbled after you, up into your trailer, and onto the plush leather bench.

We kissed,
this urgent, grabbing, intense kiss.
You took control,
like you had something to prove too
to me, to you, to I don't know who
while I tried to show you
everything I was too afraid to say.
I love you
and
I need you
and
please don't ever leave me
desperately working at your flesh
with my teeth and tongue
and hands and hips,
so you would know.
So you would never doubt.
But kisses can't say it.
I have to say it.
Why is it so hard to say it?
I breathed myself back,
away from your lips
to say it.
I couldn't look you in the eye,
so I stared
at this false piece of hair
that was everything you hated about this world.
I hated it too.
for you.
Because I loved you.
"I--"
I made a stuttering attempt.
And failed, blushing
obviously,
awfully.
"The, uh, the people you work with, they, um, they really love you, you know?" You know.

You smiled the most radiant smile,
this fucking face rainbow.
A perfect, sparkling collision
of air and water and fire,
hovering above me as earth.
"Yeah, I do.
I love them, too."
You relaxed against me,
and with that one settling movement
came the realisation that this was your home,
not that detached house,
You detached from me
Detached from everyone,
Hidden away in the hills.
This.
Right here.
This collection of people who loved you.
Adored you.
Who supported you and whom you supported.
That little caravan and that cavernous, echoey warehouse
Your reverberations sounding against the walls
In perfect pitch
Declaring your existence
This was truly your home.

I didn't quite understand why you wanted to leave it.

I kissed you again, just as Liam poked his head into the trailer. "What time do we have to leave to get to school by noon?"

You looked at the clock above the makeup station, then rolled your eyes dramatically. "Ugh. Now." You held your hand out to me, "come on."

"Um," I kissed your hand, "give me a moment. I'll be right behind." Your eyes fell to my lap, and you squeaked. Our cheeks were complementary shades of pink, I've no doubt. I stood and kissed your rosy cheek, warmed by your blush. "What do you expect?" I muttered into your ear, eliciting a throaty giggle. God damn Liam for his shitty timing.

As you bustled out the door, I turned away, rearranging myself and wishing I had worn a baggier shirt to hide my friend's obvious arrival. The ride to school was alight with excitement, mostly Liam's excitement. My excitement had...faded, thankfully. But my inspiration was bubbling, and I spent my time in creative writing composing piece after piece about you, my muse. My sweet beautiful Madelyn. Who cries on cue and laughs from the depths of her soul and smiles at me like I am a king and pays for the life of Bob the gaffer's cancer-riddled wife.

I've never known anyone like you. You're brave and strong and clever and so so witty and so unbearably beautiful in every way. Sometimes I feel like I can't physically contain my love for you. Like you're seeping out of my pores. I'm sweating love. How did I ever get so lucky to have you in my life?

(You're sleeping beside me right now as I write this at 3 am in our hotel in London. And I can't contain my love for you. It's pouring out of me and onto the page. It's so important to me, my sweet beautiful Madelyn, it is so important that you know, without a trace of a doubt, that I love you. That I will love you forever. I think perhaps I have loved you forever. And not the tv version of you, although I am still quite fond of her too. I love you. The girl who drinks diet cherry coke for breakfast, who rolls her eyes and shrugs at the world as if she doesn't care, but all the while she cares more than anyone I've ever known, who has read more books than the Holmes Chapel library even holds, who has endured unthinkable tragedy yet will selflessly tend to others' needs before her own. I love you, Madelyn Turner. And I'm sorry to this day that I didn't tell you sooner because I know now how little you heard it from everyone else. I will tell you ten times a day, an hour even, to try and fill the holes where all those I love yous should have been.)

~~~~~

I had to cut pt 3 in half bc I was 6k words 🙀 I think I'm gonna do a double update so you get the smut as advertised.

Please vote and comment and share! ❤️