M A X E N E

We lost the fight that we're fighting for, because we're weak.

Maybe our love wasn't enough. Maybe we are meant to be just a phase.

I admit, maybe I'm still naïve that I gambled everything just to stick in the relationship we made out of the arrangement we had. With him, I found company to erase my own misery.

I wanted to keep him, because I was left with nothing back then with a broken heart. Hell, I am even willing to be his second choice back then, just to keep him in my life. But I'm very selfish that I want him all for myself because I wanted him to see that I can be better than his first love.

I am better than her.

I am stubborn. Now I am admitting this to myself because I've kept this insecurity for so long in the darkness of my heart.

I couldn't help comparing myself to her everytime.

I remember that she loved him and just waiting for the right moment to give their love story a chance... but then, poof, here comes the selfish me.

Knowing how much he loved and waited for her, I know to myself that I wanted that devotion, loyalty and security with him.

Oo, naiinggit ako kay Monique.

Marami siyang katangian na wala sa akin. No wonder kung bakit napa-ibig niya si Travis ng walang ginagawa. Ni wala silang kung anong arrangement, hindi tulad naming dalawa.

They were friends to begin with, and that foundation is stronger than being someone you just met out of inconvenience.

The years he loved her, was nothing compared to the months we had together.

I thought our love was strong enough to keep us together, because he is selfish like me.

Akala ko kapag binigay mo na ang lahat, sapat na iyon para hindi ka niya saktan, iwan at ipagpalit sa iba.

Akala ko sapat na ang mahal ko siya dahil alam kong mahal niya ako.

I thought love was enough for us to be together, but I was wrong.

I was wrong because we always end up hurting each other.

I just don't want to get hurt anymore.

Napagod akong matakot, masaktan at umiyak.

I'm helping myself to move on because this shouldn't be this painful. It's just a matter of acceptance from the stated fact that: we were just arranged.

I know that I am making progress since I broke up with him. But now that he's back, I don't know why I am back to square one. I'm not even sure if I am going on the right track or if I'm just fooling myself.

I'm trying to reason with myself every damn time, especially that I don't want to cause any misunderstanding between me and my new fiancé.

Travis and I didn't even last a year to begin with, our relationship wasn't established enough because it all started in an arrangement that we both agreed on.

Wala namang pinagkaiba ang arrangement namin ni Travis sa sitwasyon ko kay Pierre, kaya dapat madali lang ito lahat sa amin, hindi ba?

Tulad ng minsan na sinabi niya sa kaibigan niya, hindi naman talaga kami magkakaroon ng relasyon, kung hindi siya ang pinili ko noon.

Am I really regretting every decision I made?

Looking at him now, he's not the same Travis who looks at me like a cunningly degrading me in front of other people.

He's not the same person who dismisses me in front of his friends, boosting his ego, pride to be the person his environment expects him to be.

He's not that person who saved me a couple of times in trouble showing a face that hides his true intentions within a layer of lies.

I'm stubborn to admit to myself that those were just another of his personas to hide his real face.

This face.

Who is drowning from his own tears while covering his face away from me. Who sobs like a helpless child in a vulnerable fetal position. Who keeps saying how sorry he was for everything he has done wrong. Who keeps blaming himself for the loss of our child.

Who keeps hurting because he couldn't stop himself from embracing this pain alone.

I am still hurting him.

Ever since the beginning, I know... I know how this love between us is painful.

I took a leap of faith and gambled everything just to keep him in my life. But in the end, I couldn't hold on because I wanted the pain to stop.

I just want to make it stop before I could self destruct.

Masama ba ang iligtas ko naman ang sarili ko?

Loving him causes me nothing but pain. He knows it, that's why he bathe himself in lies after I left him. To keep himself together from falling apart.

Yet, every time he looks at me like a stranger, he lies.

Every time he talks to me unkindly, he lies.

Every time he is outside of this place, he lies.

Except inside this room, where I once was using. This serves as his only sanctuary, because here...

I was here.

I couldn't stop my tears from crying as I embraced him from behind.

He is crying, keeping everything inside of him.

The pain I am feeling from his cries is identical to the one that I locked away inside my heart.

He is breaking as pieces of him scattered everywhere.

Breathing properly fails him as I hear him sobs like a lost child finding his way back home.

I want to stop him from crying, but his emotions were all over the place.

If only I could take every piece of him in my hand, I would just to save his heart. But holding him makes my heart bleed, like I'm holding a broken glass that fell from the highest building.

Embracing him stings.

But I know that I am responsible for this mess. I want to lessen the burden, even if I have to take my share of this pain.

I give him that one thing I know could take away this pain, "I'm so sorry Travis. I'm very sorry..."

I have to apologize and forgive him, so he could move on and start over.

He should try, at least.

He owes this to himself.

His breathing changed as if he clicked a switch that changes his character in an instant and suddenly I feel this invisible wall between us.

This is him, shutting himself away from me.

He slid away from me facing the opposite direction of the room. "I don't regret anything I've done...so you should too." that was him lying to me, as he convinced himself with that lie.

"Travis..." I see him clenching the sheets. He's still not looking at me.

"I know how much you regret... meeting me, but it happened." his voice almost breaks but he manages to finish his statement as if he is a different person from how he was a few minutes ago.

"Travis..." I sighed, "It's true it happened, everything. Hindi naman natin pinlano ang mga nangyari sa pagitan natin, pero nangyari ang lahat ng nangyari." I hope he accepts my reason. "Lahat naman ito umiikot lang sa naging arrangement natin dati. Kung hindi naman dahil doon, hindi tayo magkakaroon ng ugnayan." I see him letting out a deep breath as if he is fixing himself together.

"Let's just be logical with the situation, we are just arranged, out of inconvenience," I uttered swallowing a huge piece of an invisible apple, "Nagkamali tayo, oo at hindi man madali para sa akin, pero subukan natin na patawarin ang isa't-isa para makapag move on na tayo sa mga buhay natin."

He slowly adjusted his shoulder and barely looked at me, but his eyes hid in the shadows where I couldn't read him.

I'm not sure how he feels after I speak my mind, I hear him scoff as if he is belittling me again, but his jaw hardened, he was about to say something but chooses to shut his mouth and avoids my gaze again.

"Why the hell are you here anyway?" His voice is cold, he is pushing me away rerouting our conversation.

"Natumba ka sa sementeryo kanina," malumanay kong sagot sa kanya, "At nag-aapoy ka sa lagnat. Pinalitan kita ng damit kaagad bago pa lumala ang--"

"I don't need your goddamn help." He cut me with a stern voice.

"Look, I'm just trying to be nice to you, especially after Hope--"

His shoulders stiffen, "Umalis ka na." His voice is solid, dismissing me, "You have no business here, so just leave."

"Travis..."

He stood up and faced me, his eyes hides in the shadows as if he is talking to an unwanted guest, "If you're here for your stuff then go. Just go, get all of your stuff and leave. Never look back." His voice is unfriendly and he slams the door walking away from me.

Hindi naman yung mga gamit ko ang sinadya ko dito, pero parang iyon ang gusto niyang paniwalaan.

I shake my head as I did what I was told.

Pagkatapos ko mag-impake, tiningnan ko ang dating makulay na minsan kong naging kwarto na parang nawalan ng buhay.

Nilabas ko na ang mga gamit ko sa may hallway at nakita ko siyang nakatalikod sa akin at nakatayo habang pinagmamasdan ang maulan at madilim na kalangitan.

Malakas pa rin ang ulan, pero sa tingin ko naman, mukhang bumalik na kahit pa paano ang lakas niya. Itetext ko na lang si Kuya driver para masundo niya ako sa basement. Kung alam ko lang na magiging maayos na ang lagay niya, edi sana hindi ko na pinaalis si Kuya driver.

Hindi na naman niya ako talaga kailangan dito.

"Aalis na ako." paalam ko sa kanya pero hindi pa rin niya ako tinitingnan pabalik, parang wala siyang narinig.

I sighed, "May soup akong niluto para sa iyo, kainin mo na lang." Tumalikod na ako at hinila ang maleta ko nang marinig ko ang maingay na kumalabog galing sa kusina.

Tinapon niya yung niluto kong soup sa lababo.

"What the hell was your problem?" Hindi ko na napigilan pagtaasan siya ng boses pero dinaanan niya lang ako na parang hangin.

I don't like this attitude.

Hinablot ko ang braso niya pero hinawi niya ito palayo sa akin, "Why did you do that, sayang ang niluto ko para sayo."

"I didn't asked any of it in the first place." He answers impassively, his voice sounds unkindly blaming me, "Kasalanan mo kung bakit nasayang yung pagkain."

I scoffed, "Ako pa ang sinisi mo, really Travis?"

"Bakit ba masyado kang nagmamagaling? Pakialamera?" Kunot noo niyang tanong sa akin, "You have no permission to use my kitchen, sinabi ko bang magluto ka?"

"Travis, nagmamalasakit lang ako, dahil may sakit ka. Pero ano ba namang attitude ito?" I shake my head letting out a frustrated sigh.

"Ang kapal ng mukha mo pangaralan ako sa sarili kong pamamahay! Para sabihin ko sa iyo, wala kang karapatan pagsabihan ako sa mga gusto kong gawin sa sarili kong teritoryo, kaya lumugar ka Maxene." Seryoso niyang sumbat pabalik sa akin habang dinuduro duro niya ako.

This is not the same Travis I saw earlier, this is him putting up a tough facade to push me as far as possible away from him.

"Travis," a sudden guilt took over my entire body. I am seeing the person Monique describes him to be. His eyes were lifeless as he lock his feelings away where no one could reach him, but remembering how this side of him manifests in front of me, triggered because of that one name, "Hope--"

He closed his hand as if he's holding a ball of rock. Growling he uttered a strong warning, "Shut up."

I shake my head, "Hope wouldn't--"

"I said shut the fuck up!" His voice echoes the whole place in bitterness and he turns his back away from me breathing heavily.

Seeing the drops of blood on the counter top, my eyes immediately looked at his hand that is bleeding. He just hurt himself to contain his temper.

For him not to lash out of me.

This is someone who is grieving. This is someone hiding the pain until it damaged him from the inside.

This is how he choose to cope up of Hope's loss.

This is my fault.

He's a mess.

I am an unexpected storm that causes him this disaster.

I want him to at least recover. I wish him no ill.

It took me a while and approached him, "Hindi niya gugustuhin na makita na nagkakaganito ka Travis." I see how this conversation push a sensitive button on him that his lungs fail to work with him. But he has to hear it, "Walang may gusto sa nangyari kay Hope. Huwag mong sisihin ang sarili mo, let it go so you can move forward Travis."

"Tangina!" sigaw niya at binalikan ako ng mapait na tingin, "Ganoon ba iyon kadali sa iyo Maxene?" Napaatras ako sa takot na marinig ko ang matinding poot at panunumbat sa boses niya. "You're one hell of a hypocrite!" He shakes his head looking at me with disappointment. "Kung wala kang sasabihing maganda, umalis ka na lang nga, tutal doon ka naman magaling!" bitterness is obvious in his voice as he keep his distance away from me.

"Para sabihin sa iyo, hindi madali sa akin ito Travis." depensa ko sa kung ano man ang maaaring tumakbo sa isipan niya ngayon, "Pero kailangan ko itong tanggapin," I paused, "Kailangan nating tanggapin para makausad tayo sa mga buhay natin."

"Walang tayo, walang atin, walang natin." malamig ngunit may diin na paalala niya, "Ayusin mo ang mga ginagamit mong salita Maxene," he shakes his head gritting his teeth with a disappointed grin, "Minsan nakakalinlang ang mga binibitawan mong salita."

"What was that supposed to mean?" I paused, "Gusto ko lang ipaunawa sa iyo ang sitwasyon Travis--"

He laughs sarcastically cutting me, "Ipaunawa?" he scoffed, "Sitwasyon?" he faced me with an unfriendly face, "Sa tingin mo ba, ganoon ako ka-tanga para hindi maunawaan ang sitwasyon natin, Maxene?"

"Where is this coming from?"

"Tigil tigilan mo nga ang pagtatanga tangahan mo sa harapan ko! Alam mo kung ano ang sinasabi ko."

"Travis, wala ng dahilan pa para pag-usapan natin ang kung ano man ang namagitan sa atin noon." I reminded him, "What we had was over a long time ago."

"So ano ang gusto mong sabihin Maxene?" Inis niyang tanong sa akin, "Ano, sabihin mo?"

I bit my lip inwardly, I'm not going to let him talk big in front of me, "Stop investing your time into something temporary."

"Bullshit!" he cussed angrily, "Kung pansamantala lang pala ang lahat ng iyon sa iyo, sana nilinaw mo. Sana nilinaw mo sa akin, punyeta!"

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang ikinakagalit niya para sumbatan ako ng ganito.

"Travis, there's no use looking back. We just didn't work out." I couldn't hide the frustration in my voice.

I saw him shaking his head, gritting his teeth that he hides behind a sarcastic face. His emotions were all over the place. I witnessed how how his rage, frustration, disappointment and hopelessness were fully expressed as he grabbed his own hair aggressively.

"It could have worked it out." Hindi ko alam kung bakit niya ipinipilit ito sa harapan ko. "From the start we set our boundaries, we made the rules, five fucking rules to make our 'situation' work!" I see him clenching his fists as if he is containing his feelings aside while proving something in this argument, "May kanya-kanya tayong commitments. Pumayag ako na paniwalain ang mommy mo sa arrangement natin para makalaya ka sa responsibilidad mo sa pamilya mo, iyon ang plano!"

"Bakit ba natin pinag-uusapan ito?" I paused, "Tapos na iyon, plans changed, it's over." He bitterly closed his eyes, "So ano ito, kompetensya ninyo ni Pierre, pataasan kayo ng ihi, ganoon ba?" He looks at me in disbelief, "Dahil ba siya na ang fiance ko ngayon, naapakan ko ang ego at pride mo, ganoon ba, Travis?"

"That's not it." malalim at malamig niyang tugon na para bang pinipigilan niyang magpakatotoo sa harapan ko.

"Kung hindi, eh ano?" I sighed, " Ano Travis?"

"Do you have feelings for him?" he questioned out of the blue.

"Feelings aren't necessary." I uttered, looking away.

"Ganyan din ang sinagot mo kay Pierre noong tinanong ka niya sa arrangement natin, tanda mo ba?" He scoffed.

I shake my head, "Things changed and this time, it's not what I want anymore. This is not about me anymore." he looks at me as if he is reading my thoughts, "I have to make this arrangement work with Pierre. Kaya sana huwag mo na kami guluhin pa, Travis."

He shakes his head letting out another sarcastic chuckle, "Ako pa talaga ang nanggugulo."

"Bakit, hindi ba?" I raised him an eyebrow, "Stop pissing him off, stop meddling with my life and stop doing this to yourself."

"Kung ganoon, ano ang tawag mo sa arrangement natin? You know we could make it work." Muli niyang ibinalik ang usapan sa arrangement namin dati.

"Why is this a big deal with you?"

"Dahil pakiramdam ko naisahan ako!" Sigaw na pag-amin niya, "Pakiramdam ko, ako lang ang sumugal sa isang laban na hindi ko alam kung mananalo o matatalo ako... hindi ko tanggap... Tangina, hindi ko tanggap na ganito ang naging kahihinatnan ng lahat!"

"Travis..."

"Umpisa pa lang Maxene.. umpisa pa lang, alam ko ang lugar ko at wala akong balak lumagpas sa hangganan ng sitwasyon natin noon." He uttered, shutting his eyes but his face failed him to hide his emotions any longer.

"Yet, you gave me something that I know I would fight for... You gave me hope."

A tear escaped from my eye.

"I knew my place very well, I am safe where no one could see or notice me. Sanay na akong ganoon bago kita makilala." He uttered weakly, "But the hope you have given me," he shakes his head as he covers his eyes with his left hand, "The hope you gave me, is the reason why I choose to be better than who I was before... gusto kong maging karapatdapat para sa iyo..."

"Travis..."

"Pero tangina, kulang pa rin..." dismayado at nanghihina niyang sambit at tumungo, "Kahit anong gawin ko, kulang pa rin." Natatawang lait niya sa sarili niya, "Hindi ko napangalagaan ng maayos ang damdamin mo, dahil kulang pa rin ang mga ginagawa ko para mapanatili ka sa buhay ko."

I bit my lip as I let my tears flow from my face.

"Pero kung tulad ng sinabi mo na, pansamantala lang ang lahat, dahil lang sa na-arrange ka sa akin dati, sana nilinaw mo sa akin ng maayos ang totoong sitwasyon natin dati. Baka mas madali kong matatanggap ang sinasabi mong, 'move on'. Kasi kung wala naman tayong naging relasyon sa labas ng kasunduan na iyon, edi sana... sana..." mapait niyang ani habang pinipilit niyang pigain ang mga salitang sumasakal sa dibdib niya, "Tangina, sana hindi ganito kasakit..."

"Travis..."

"Sana hindi mo pinadama at sinabi sa akin na mahal mo ako, para hindi ako umasa sa kung ano man ang namamagitan sa ating dalawa." halos mabasag ang boses niya at piniling talikuran. Tiningala niya ang ulo para pinipigilan ang luha niya bumagsak, "Sana, hindi naging komplikado ang lahat," mapait siyang umiling, "Sana mas naging maluwag pa ako sa iyo kung sakali man na makipagbalikan ka kay Kenzo." gigil niyang dagdag habang pinipindot pindot ang sentido niya, "Sana isinaksak mo sa utak ko na wala tayong ugnayan maliban sa na-arrange tayo sa isa't-isa."

Bakit ibang iba ang narining kong sinabi niya kay Pierre sa recording sa kung paano niya ako harapin ngayon? Mas madali na yung version na lang niya noong kausap niya si Pierre ang naririnig ko, pero bakit... bakit... bakit...?

I want to see his face. I want to face him equally, but he keeps his distance hiding his face in the dark.

"Sana hindi mo ako itinaas kung saan makikita ko ang buong mundo ko, dahil ibabagsak mo lang din pala ako," tears kept falling as his face expresses the pain, despair, helplessness and hopelessness altogether.

My heart starts to feel that weight in my chest again.

"Edi sana hindi nadamay si Hope." ang pundasyon na inaapakan niya ay nadurog hanggang sa siya'y napaluhod sa harapan ko. Muli niyang sinabunutan ang buhok niya, "Tangina, tangina, tangina bakit hindi pa rin sapat ang lahat ng sinugal ko para sayo Maxene?"

Bigla kong nakita ang sarili ko sa kanya noong iniwan ako ni Kenzo.

"Ano pa ba ang kulang... Ano pa ba ang dapat kong binigay sa iyo?" Tinakpan ang mukha niya habang unti-unti siyang nalulunod sa sarili niyang luha. "I lost everything all at once. I lost Hope. I lost you too... When you said you wouldn't leave me alone... That I'll never be alone anymore..."

Those words crushed my soul as I witnessed how he is losing every part of himself.

'He's breathing, but his soul is dying. Do you know how that felt like?'

Ito ang sinabi sa akin ni Monique kanina.

'He's beyond saving now...'

I shake my head. He doesn't deserve this.

He doesn't deserve the pain I once felt.

"Travis... I... I'm sorry..." I level myself towards him and hear him succumbing to his own guilt, tears and agony. "I'm sorry..." my heart breaks seeing him in this state. I know saying 'sorry' wasn't enough.

God, it wouldn't be enough.

But I wanted to save him, I want to carry the weight that he is carrying alone. "I'm so sorry Travis..."

I hold his hand as I feel the weight of his tears on my hand. He fills the gap between our fingers, even if that simple gesture hurts him like how it hurts me. It's like we're holding a rose filled with thorns that are stinging our skins.

"I'm sorry for causing you too much pain." I tell him, touching his cheek. I fix his hair enough to see his face that he keeps hiding in the darkness, "Tama ka rin naman." He looks at me as tears falling from his eyes. I force myself to put up an awkward smile, but my own voice cracks in front of him, "You're right, I messed up... it's my fault that I fell in love with you."

His wounded hand caught my tear. Our lungs malfunction as we share each other's breaths facing one another.

"But I don't regret any of it..." I admitted before I could let this moment pass. "Because it is real." I smiled weakly,. "It may took us just a while, but I loved you."

Even if it is painful, I couldn't help to love him this much.

His forehead lands on mine as I feel his hand on my cheeks. His eyes mirror my soul. He traces my face as if he is painting my face in his memory, his thumb brushes my lips as a tear falls from his eyes.

"Seems like you're right too," he uttered with a weak voice, "We're just a phase. We're past tense now." his eyes shows regret and sorrow as he swallow the bitter truth of our reality. "Kaya rin siguro nasira ang bracelet natin," He chuckled weakly, molding his hand with mine, "You said that, in a lifetime, you'll meet someone who is destined to be with you at the right time and in the right place..."

Tila naging eksena sa isang pelikula ang alaala na iyon noong nasa Japan kami. Iyon din ang araw kung kailan naging kami.

Iyon din ang araw na isinuot ko yung red bracelet namin na nagsilbing pangako namin sa isa't-isa, na naputol din naman kinalaunan.

Maybe promises are meant to be broken.

"Pero pakiramdam ko," he shakes his head weakly, "Pinagkaisahan tayo ng sinasabi mong tadhana."

"Travis..."

"Yet, would it be possible," he started a question as he looks into my eyes like a lost child finding his way back home, "If I could hope again... would it be possible that if not now, maybe," his smile breaks, "Maybe someday or maybe in the next lifetime... would you still fall in love with someone like me?" his eyes were looking into my soul filled with warmth.

His question drowns me in my own tears as he wipes them all for me.

"Hindi ka naman mahirap mahalin, Travis eh." I'm trying my best to lighten up the mood between us, but humor fails me. "I know, I would...I would."

He smiles as another batch of tears fell from his eyes, "Kung ganoon, hihintayin na lang kita sa susunod na mabigyan tayo ng pagkakataon. Maghihintay ako, hanggang sa mahalin mo ako ulit, Maxene." He bitterly plays with the ring, that he didn't put in my finger. "Hihintayin ko ang araw kung kailan ka magiging akin ulit."

"Travis, you can always open your heart to someone better than me..." sana hindi niya ikulong ang sarili niya sa posibilidad na pwede siyang magmahal ulit.

His eyes gently looked into my soul as he uttered in a whisper, "I wouldn't want anyone else, but you." he closes his eyes as he put my hand to his cheek, planting a gentle kiss. "You are more than enough for me." a small smile form on his lips as he tells this secret to no one but me. I see how he tries so hard to hold himself back from everything he's feeling, yet pain and longing matches his the color of his dark brown eyes.

Travis...

"Ayokong nasasaktan ka ng ganito," I tell him like a concernes friend. His gaze softens. The look on his face reminds me back when he lay out his feelings for me. But that was all in the past now.

"Pagbigyan mo ang sarili mo na umahon sa sakit at pait na natamo natin sa katigasan ng ulo natin." I tell him, trying my best to make it as a funny joke, "You shouldn't settle with anyone less--" He cuts me with a kiss, silencing the shadows of my heart. It's painful, yet it is comforting at the same time. But this is not right. "Travis..." I cut the kiss, pushing him away and shake my head, "We lost..."

He smiled bitterly, "You don't have to state the obvious, Maxene," he says with a small painful smile, "I'll let you go... I'll let go, after I'm done. I promise you that..."

Anong ibig sabihin noon?

I shake my head, "You should stop hurting yourself like this, it's not worth it."

Not anymore.

"You're. Worth. My. Pain." he muttered softly next to my ear. In a blink of an eye, his lips closed the gap between us. I felt and tasted our tears together with our emotions burst like fireworks of July.

It started gently. Like how one musician plays the gentle harp, succeeded by a series of anxious kisses that a piano could represent with it's different tempo and dynamics. Until the kiss shifted to a cautious and needing for air, like how a groovy saxophone is played. Followed by a sad and delicate kisses as the sound of a violin, that could take away the whole concert room.

"Stop me..."  his lips parted, panting for air, "Tell me to stop, I'll stop Maxene." His words became lies seeing how his actions fails to stand his ground. Yearning kisses takes our breath away like percussion instruments vibrate and echo between two souls singing as one.

"Push me away... and I'll stop..." Looking into his eyes, his soul says otherwise.

I see my own reflection in a pair of dark brown eyes holding a strong wish.

I want to be whole again.

This time I pull him closer, granting my heart this one selfish wish as we become one.

Feel his kisses everywhere, I shelter him in my arms. The color of life is back in his eyes, awakened from a nightmare where he is stuck for a very long time. His hand strumming every inch of my skin as we sing the same music that our voices hum together like a bittersweet melody. The rhythm that our souls composed danced in one harmony. Leaving a mark in each other's soul not letting go of this one moment.

We are just too stubborn.

We're rebelling because fate deceives us.

This is a revolution to a war that we lost.

We were panting as we shared each other's heat and energy. He gazed into my eyes, caressing my face with a sad smile. Putting my arms around him, I planted a kiss on his shoulders that were caging me. Brushing my hair, I feel his heartbeat singing me this one last song.

I cried and I feel his tears.

This will be the last time that we'll allow ourselves to surrender to one another.

With one last deep sweet kiss, we finished the last song that our soul made for one another. Embedding this moment in the deepest part of our hearts, like an old vinyl that can only be played in a disc record.

As I hear his heart in sync with mine, I hide my face in his heart.

"This will be... the last time Travis..." I uttered, "I'm so--"

"Do you regret this?" he asked with pain in his voice. I look at him and see him covering his eyes with his forearm.

I adjusted myself and see him hiding his eyes. I take his hand, putting it to my face as I let him see my answer.

I shake my head with a small smile.

"Then don't apologize," his thumb brushes my cheek, "It'll make me feel that you regret this."

"I don't regret meeting you, Travis." I embraced him and feel his thumb encircling my shoulder, "I know that I said that we're just a phase..." I feel his arms around me, holding me tightly, "But they'll always be... my always..." I uttered before I regret not letting him hear those words.

He planted a long kiss on top of my head, inhaling my scent.

"The only thing I regret, is hurting you... I'm sorry for hurting you." I close my eyes hearing every beat of his heart.

"I wish that you let yourself heal, kahit na ang kapalit ng pag galing mo ay ang paglayo natin sa mundo ng isa't-isa." Mas humigpit ang yakap niya sa akin at niyakap ko rin siya ng mahigpit, "It's all worth it, until it lasts..."

If this is a dream, I wouldn't want this to end. I know he wishes the same, but we can't stay in this temporary fantasy. For we need to wake up tomorrow and accept our reality.

That our story is long over.

"Always."

I'm not sure if that was his voice singing me a lullaby, but I know that this is the last time that I'll allow myself to be selfish to stay in his arms like this.

T R A V I S

Hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili kong gumuho, matunaw, at sumuko sa harapan niya.

Sana pwede tumigil ang oras, kasi hindi pa ako tapos, hindi pa ako tapos mahalin siya.

Hindi ko ata alam kung matatapos akong mahalin siya.

Her head is on my chest as I cradle her in my arms.

I wouldn't want to let go, but fate says that our time is up.

I know from the start what I should do. I'm just not prepared to do what I must, or maybe I am stubborn to accept that I lost this fight that I am stubbornly fighting for.

I lost Maxene a long time ago.

Tama naman siya. Matagal na kaming tapos, pero hindi makatarungan ang paghihiwalay naming dalawa.

Hindi ko tanggap, hindi ko kailanman iyon matatanggap.

Hindi pa ako pagod, hindi pa ata ako pagod masaktan habang yakap-yakap siya kahit sa hiram lang ang oras na ito.

But it's done.

It's done.

Yet I can't let her go, not yet... not like this...

Ang sakit. Pero kailangan kong tanggapin ang sitwasyon namin ngayon, tulad ng sinabi niya.

It wasn't easy, it will never be.

God I wish I knew how I'll make this easy for me.

I'll let go when I'm done and I promise you won't ever see me again.

Buong gabi ko pinagmasdan ko ang natutulog niyang mukha dahil alam kong magpapaalam ulit kami sa isa't-isa kinabukasan.

After tomorrow, we'll be strangers again.

After tomorrow, I will see her in someone else's arms.

After tomorrow, she will be someone else's fiancé...

After tomorrow, I have to endure... until that day comes.

Just make this last one, worth it.

I took out my phone and entered a text.

Travis: Sunduin mo si Maxene bukas dito sa penthouse.

Muli ko siyang binalikan ng tingin at naramdaman na nag vibrate ang cellphone ko.

Natasha: Will do, young master.

Whatever happens, I know my resolve.

By then, I'll grant her wish...

The one promise that I owe her and to Hope.

I will set her free.

After I'm done...