M A X E N E

Do I really know the difference of right and wrong?

To be honest I really don't know anymore.

Bakit natatanga ako sa kung ano ang tama at mali para sa akin?

Bakit pinagdududahan ko na ang sarili ko?

Tama naman ang mga naging desisyon ko, hindi ba?

I'm deciding for myself this time, I owe this to myself since I always think of others first before me.

Bakit kung kailan iniisip ko kung ano ang mas makakabuti sa akin, bakit 'mali' pa rin?

Wala na ba akong ginawang tama sa buhay ko?

"I'm truly sorry for everything." mahinahong sambit ni Nihility, hindi ko naman inaakala na sa dami-dami ng tao, siya ang taong nasa likod ng account na iyon.

Hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala dahil pumayag na naman ako magpauto sa kaniya.

We're strolling inside the aquarium, para daw maraming tao sa paligid at dim lights dahil nandito kami sa madilim na bahagi ng aquarium. I didn't even know how she knew that I like animals.

She's wearing a floppy hat and a black casual dress holding her cream customized handbag. I must say, she has an eye for fashion, may potential siyang maging model o maging designer.

"I made this bag." Mukhang napatagal na ako sa pagtingin sa bag niya at kaagad naman akong umiwas ng tingin. Ano ba ang sasabihin ko sa babaeng ito? "Sa totoo lang, gusto ko talaga maging fashion designer, ang pagtatahi lang kasi ng damit dati ang hilig ko, lalo na noong nabubuhay pa yung biological mother ko." She giggled inwardly, "Masyadong maarte kasi si Mama," kwento niya kahit hindi ko naman tinatanong, "Biruin mo, dapat kapag lalabas siya ng bahay dati, dapat daw presentable at maganda siya kasi lagi siyang nagbabakasakali na makita si Daddy," she then paused like she's remembering something she shouldn't, "Hindi ko naman kasi alam noon kung ano ni Daddy si Mama dati, nalaman ko na lang noong nag rebelde si Mama kay Daddy." Bahagya niya akong tiningnan at nginitian.

"I know you're not interested in knowing anything about me, but still I want you to see the connection of where I'm going to." I stayed silent as I listen to whatever she has to say, "Ginagamit ako ni Mama para magpakita si Daddy sa amin noon, miski pa ang ibugaw niya ako sa mga customers niya, ginagawa niya para lang bumalik sa amin si Daddy, nasanay akong ganoon, isa pa napapasaya ko si Mama kapag naaayon ang lahat sa plano niya, pero noong nalaman ni Mama na kukunin ako ni Daddy mula sa kanya, halos bugbugin niya ako, murahin at isumpa dahil wala na daw akong ginawang tama para bumalik lang sa amin si Daddy." She smiled bitterly, "Pero kahit kasi anong gawin ko, hindi babalik sa kanya si Daddy, dahil iba ang social status ni Daddy sa kanya, mahirap lang naman si Mama, at ano ba naman ang imahe ng isang prostitute kumpara sa edukada at aristrokatang asawa ni Daddy?"

A part of me pities her silently as I stay silent beside her.

"Mahirap ang makihalubilo sa mga taong hindi mo katulad, pero natutunan kong makibagay, kahit pa ang lunukin ko ang sarili kong pride ginagawa ko para lang makasabay. Mahirap, pero kailangan eh." she paused as I see how she puts her hand on the glass, "I learn to get by the hardway, sa mata ni Mama, hangga't magagamit niya ako para makuha ang gusto niya, gagamitin niya ako. Kay Daddy naman, hangga't ginagawa ko ang gusto niya at ma-meet ang expectation niya, hindi niya ako aabandunahin." She faced me as I saw vulnerability and despair in her eyes, "I have nowhere else to go, no one to belong to... I was nothing. But then, I met him when I was all alone." A sudden spark in her eyes lit up as I saw the image of belongingness in her eyes when she met him.

"With him, I can be myself, I learn to accept myself and become better. Kahit papaano, nagkaroon ako ng masasandalan sa mundong hindi ako tanggap, para ko siyang naging nakakatandang kapatid noon dahil hindi rin naman ako tanggap ng Ate ko. Sabik lang ako sa kapatid dati at hindi ko naman kaagad napansin na iba na pala ang naging pag tingin niya sa akin, hanggang sa nahulog ako sa kapatid niya." natatawa ngunit mapait na kumento niya, "Hindi ko naman alam kung ano ang ugnayan niya kay Laurenz noon dahil hindi niya kailanman sinabi iyon sa akin, hanggang sa dumating ang araw na iginanti niya ako." she met my eyes once again, "He loved me, all those years without me knowing and perhaps in your eyes, you can see how I took that for granted."

"I'm not saying anything." my voice was distant as I diverted my gaze into the fishes swimming inside the aquarium.

"Pero tama ka naman doon Maxene," bahagya ko siyang tiningnan at nakita ang matinding pagsisisi sa mga mata niya, "I left him, because when I realized what I did to him, I know to myself that I can't allow him to destroy himself because of his feelings for me. I know that I have to do the right thing for him, even if I hurt him because I know he must make amends with his brother because he is supposed to be the most important person to him. That's the reason why I left him."

A sudden gravity in the air filled the environment between us, nasabi na rin naman niya sa akin kung bakit pinili niyang iwan si Travis dati, pero hindi ko naman alam kung saan siya nanggagaling.

Yet after hearing these, does it still matter?

I really don't know what to say anymore.

"And you were right, I left him and his heart in ruins. I left him when he needed me the most, that he became a monster after what I did." she shakes her head, "I hate that someone like you whom he just met, saw through him, not as much as who I saw in years we had together. Kasi tulad ng sinabi niya, hindi naman ako sa kanya nakatingin noon." She's trying her best not to cry in front of me but her voice is hurt, yet a small smile forms on her face as she looks back at me, "But I am thankful of you, because you saved him. You did something that I couldn't and I see how happy he was with you." she avoids my gaze with a ray of guilt in her eyes, "As much as possible I wouldn't want to meddle between you guys anymore."

"Hindi na naman natin ito kailangan pag-usapan Monique," I sighed impassively, "Nangyari na ang nangyari."

"Kinailangan kong gawin iyon, para muli akong tanggapin ni Dad." Pag-amin niya sa akin, "Itinakwil ako ni Dad, dahil sinira ko ang reputasyon niya noon, hirap na hirap ako sa buhay, ni hindi ako makaahon."

"So you're saying that your Dad put you up for this?" I asked her cynically and noticed uncertainties in her eyes as she shook her head.

"Napilitan akong kumapit sa patalim, Maxene. To get to my father, I have to use connections," She paused as if she's preparing herself for the consequences of her actions, "Pierre met me, one day, before Travis got into an accident. He asks me to get back in his life and convince Travis to let you go and choose me."

Wala naman ako sa loob ng aquarium para malunod sa sinasabi ni Monique sa harapan ko, pero parang naninikip ang dibdib ko sa mga nalalaman ko mula sa kanya.

"At first I thought everything would go according to his plan. Pierre knows exactly the effect I have on Travis and expected him to do what he is expecting him to do, but then that just stopped eventually, because he chose you over me." I couldn't help but to bite my lip and I felt my hand clenching from the emotions that started to emerge like an incoming storm in my heart.

"It was Pierre who sent you a picture of me kissing him, he wants you to break up with Travis, but no matter what happens, you two always come up stronger together." I gulped as I contained my feelings attempting to burst from my chest.

"Except after that one part where I didn't know that you are pregnant with his child." remorse is obvious in her voice, "Hindi ko ginusto ang nangyari sa iyo Maxene, hindi mo man ako mapatawad, pero paulit ulit kong sasabihin sayo kung gaano ako nagsisisi sa nangyari sa iyo."

I look away as that memory plays in my head.

I lost Hope when I was ready to tell him about the result of our love. I don't know how to describe the right feelings I had after that, the pain, it hurts so much that I want to curse everyone around me. It drives me crazy, crazy enough to unleash my wrath on anyone who dares to stand in my way.

I hated the world, because no matter what I do, there's this force that is pushing me around for me to be in a loop of pain because I am a stubborn girl who just wants to be happy.

Noong una, kay Kenzo, tapos kay Travis, tapos nitong huli, kay Hope.

Bakit mahirap maging masaya? Gaano ba ako kasamang tao sa dati kong buhay at kaya ngayon ay ganito kung parusahan ng mundo?

I don't know how many minutes have passed because of the sudden silence between me and Monique.

This is getting awkward. "Wala na namang magbabago, dahil hiwalay na rin kami kaya para pa saan at sinabi mo ang mga ito sa akin?" I gulped bitterly, "This conversation is useless since it's done Monique."

"But Maxene, it wasn't over for him. It wouldn't be over for him."

I'm not hearing this.

"You're now his girlfriend, so why would you-"

"I'm not Maxene." She cut me closing her eyes in defeat while shaking her head, "Kung alam mo lang kung gaano niya ako kinamumuhian matapos ang lahat."

"Eh kung ganoon, bakit--?"

"He's just using me to get back in. Ako ang koneksyon niya para muling bumalik sa mundo ni Pierre." She answered me before I could finish my question.

"Kay Pierre?" muli ko na namang naalala yung sinabi ni Addy dati, but something just don't fit. "Ano ba ang totoong hidwaan nilang dalawa?"

Involved ba ako? Ayoko namang mag-assume, pero sa kwento ni Monique, parang oo ang sagot, kasi lahat naman ginawa ni Pierre para makuha niya ang gusto niya, pero bakit kailangan niyang putulin ang pagkakaibigan nila ni Travis?

"Sa totoo lang, hindi ko rin alam." Monique answers with certainty, "Mula pa noon, halos kapatid na ang turing ni Pierre kay Travis. Si Travis nga ang tagaligpit ng kalat ni Pierre dati sa tuwing napapa-away si Pierre, kaya hindi ko rin inaasahan na ipapabugbog niya ang kaibigan na malapit sa kanya."

So, that is a fact. That happened. But why?

"Kailan nangyari iyon?" My voice sounds apprehensive.

"It happened after Pierre knew that you broke up with Travis, and," she paused, looking at me hesitantly.

"And what Monique?"

She smiled bitterly looking away, "Sa tuwing lalapitan ka niya, lalo na ngayon at si Pierre na ang fiance mo."

'It's been taken care of.' That's what Pierre texted me.

"Alam ni Travis kung ano ang mangyayari sa kanya sa tuwing lalapitan ka niya Maxene, pero ginagawa niya pa rin." pagpapaliwanag ni Monique na may pag-aalala sa boses niya.

"Pwes, sabihin mo sa kanya na hindi na niya dapat gawin iyon, huwag na siyang mag-abala pa." I keep my head up high with a stern voice. I don't know what to say or who to blame about this because what happens to him isn't my business anymore. "Ipaunawa mo na lang ito sa kanya, Monique."

"But the point is, he's not listening to me Maxene," she shakes her head in defeat, "He listens to no one."

"Kung ganoon, ako na lang ang lalayo." Ayoko na ng gulo. Ayoko nang mainvolve. Mas lalo na, ayoko ng isipin ang anumang tungkol sa kanya.

"Akala ko ba, kilala mo Travis?" muling tanong sa akin ni Monique, "Sa tingin mo, bakit niya ito ginagawa?"

"Hindi ko alam." I shake my head, "Matagal na akong nakipaghiwalay sa kanya, kaya malay ko ba?" Malamig kong tugon.

Monique looked at me humbly, trying to broaden her understanding towards a stubborn girl like me, "All I heard was, he owes you a promise and no matter what it takes, he'll do it for your sake... and he owes it also...to Hope."

Hearing Hope's name blocks the airway inside my throat. My brain seems to malfunction again after hearing Hope's name from her.

I gulped bitterly, "Hindi iyan ang sinabi niya kay Pierre noong nagkausap sila." I shake my head trying to win this argument by dismissing her excuses, "Ang sabi ni Travis noong nag usap sila ni Pierre, hindi niya anak si Hope--"

"Kung iyon ang sinabi niya kay Pierre, bakit iba ang nakikita ko kapag siya na lang mag-isa?" Her question caught me off guard. "He lies too much and you know it. He lies to hide his pain."

'All his life, only by telling lies, he could save the people he loves.' He shared that secret with me a long time ago.

He lies until he is numb to the pain.

I look away holding back my messed up emotions as memories of him play in my mind.

"Every 20th of the month, he mourns Maxene, every month." Monique speaks in defeat as I feel a tear betraying me and before she could see it I wipe it away from my face. "Wala akong magawa para mapagaan ang damdamin niya. Paulit ulit niyang itinatatak sa utak niya, na siya ang dahilan kung bakit nawala ang anak ninyo. Lunod na lunod siya Maxene, minsan hindi ko na alam kung saan ko siya makikita dahil may mga pagkakataon na bigla na lang siyang mawawala at sa tuwing magpapakita naman siya sa akin, alam kong hindi ang nakilala kong Travis ang nakakasama ko, kapag tapos na ang papel ko sa araw kung kailan niya ako kailangan, mawawala na lang siya ulit ng parang bula. Gusto ko siyang tanungin at unawain, pero sinasarili niya ang lahat. Kilala mo naman siya, hindi ba?"

I shake my head as Monique faces me.

"Maxene, he is lost and nowhere to be found because he doesn't want to be found." She added. I wouldn't want to hear this. I want to cover my ears.

"He cursed that day when he lost you and your child. He would trade anything just to undo what happened that day, but then no matter how he wished to at least keep you in his life, in the end, he lost you too." pain is obvious in her voice, she looked down, "I tell you this, because you are like me too... but worse."

Is she trying to be sarcastic in front of me? "What the hell do you mean by that?" I couldn't contain the irritation from my voice, "We're nothing alike Monique."

I hear her chuckled inwardly, almost sounding painful, "You once told me, that I destroyed his heart when I left him in ruins," she paused and looks at me, "Yet, like me, you also left and destroyed his heart, but that doesn't stop there, you also damaged a huge part of his soul that causes him to lose himself." I see a tear fall from her face, "He's beyond saving now and it pains me to see him in that state as if the light in his eyes were dead. He is breathing, but his soul is dying, do you know what that feels like?"

I shake my head, "I can't do anything about it," I tell her looking away, "If you're asking me to do something for him, I can't."

"'Can't' is different from 'wouldn't'." she handed me a piece of paper, "Maaabutan mo pa siya kung aalis ka na ngayon. Sa pagkakaalam ko, buong araw siyang nandyan ngayon. Minsan ko na siyang pinuntahan diyan, pero sobra siyang nagalit sa akin nang makita niya ako minsang bumisita diyan sa lugar na iyan, kaya din ganito ang suot ko, dahil gusto ko siyang damayan, pero alam ko naman na hindi ako ang kailangan niyang makasama sa lugar na iyan."

"What is this?"

"There, you'll find where you're looking for." Monique says with a small smile, turns her back and walks away from me.

I checked my phone.

Today is the 20th.

T R A V I S

Hindi ko alam kung ilang beses ko nang ginawa ito.

Dahil sa bilis ng takbo ng araw ko, parang kahapon lang noong huli ako tumayo dito sa tahimik na lugar na ito kung saan ako lang ang tao.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang beses ko nang nararamdaman ito.

Dahil sariwa pa ang lahat sa akin. Ang bigat, ang pait at ang sakit matapos mawala sa akin ang lahat, na halos hindi ako makahinga habang nalulunod ako sa sarili kong luha na hindi na dumadaloy ngayon pero yung sakit, tagos pa rin hanggang sa kaloob looban ng kaluluwa ko na halos nawalan na ng kulay ang buong mundo ko.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang beses ko pa pag-aalayan ng bulaklak si Hope.

Asul na rosas, iyon lang ang kulay na nakikita ko sa tuwing inilalapag ko iyon sa puntod niya.

Ang mabigyan siya ng maayos na himlayan ang tanging maayos kong nagawa para sa kanya. Kung sana, hindi siya nawala, malamang, karga-karga ko na siya ngayon. Alam ko sa sarili ko na lahat gagawin ko para sa kanya. Na lahat ng ipinagkait sa akin noong bata pa ako, ibibigay ko sa kanya.

Images of me holding her plays in my mind again. Sometimes, dreams are your deepest fantasies that can't happen in your reality. Maybe that's what keeps happening in my life.

Nawalan ng ilaw ang mundo ko, nawalan ako ng direksyon sa buhay. Minsan ayoko na lang magising dahil mas masaya ako kapag nananaginip ako na kasama siya... at si Hope.

Ang liit ng tingin ko sa sarili ko. Wala na akong nagawang tama. Napapagod na ako mag-isip na minsan hindi ko alam kung tama ba o mali ang ginagawa ko sa araw-araw na naganap sa miserable at walang kwenta kong buhay.

The air starts to blow the cold breeze as the wind carries the fallen leaves from the tree and then it drops, water from the skies starts to drop one by one, it started as light then it went heavy.

Basang basa na ang mga asul na rosas na nakalatag sa puntod ni Hope ngayon. Miski sapatos ko basang basa na.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras na ako nakatayo dito sa harapan niya, dahil pakiramdam ko kararating ko lang at may-araw pa kanina, hindi ko napansin na dumilim na ang paligid hanggang sa tuluyan ng bumagsak ang ulan.

Wala akong sapat na lakas para gumalaw.

Ayoko pang umalis dito.

Hindi pa ako tapos, pero tulad ng ilang araw na pagbisita ko dito sa sementeryo, hindi ko naman alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko kay Hope. Naalayan ko man siya ng dasal, pero ang kausapin siya, wala akong maisip sabihin sa kanya. Natatanga ako. Nablablanko ang utak ko.

Wala pa naman akong magandang maibabalita sa kanya. Ilang beses man ako humingi ng tawad at kahit lumuha pa ako ng dugo, alam kong hindi pa iyon sapat para lang ibalik ang panahon na iyon.

This is the heaviest sin that I'll carry in my life until I die.

Do you also hate me, Hope?

Hindi ako makahinga, nanghihina ang buong sistema ko.

Ano ba ang nangyayari sa akin, bakit parang hinihigop na naman ako sa kawalan?

Tangina mo Travis, wala kang kwenta, wala kang silbi, wala ka ng ginawang tama sa buhay mo. Pansin mo, lahat ng taong mahalaga sa iyo, iniiwan ka, kasi hindi ka naman karapat dapat na maging parte ng buhay nila.

You don't belong to anyone and you will never be.

Kung alam mo lang ang lugar mo sa umpisa pa lang, edi sana hindi ka nahihirapan ng ganito, hindi ba? Sanay ka nang hindi ka napapansin, pero gago kang hayop ka, napaka-makasarili mo para umasa na magkakaroon ka ng papel sa buhay ng ibang tao.

The irony, you are and will always be alone that even your own shadow is leaving you in the darkness.

Because you are nothing.

'You're nothing. You are the biggest mistake I made in my life.' Her words echoed in my soul, over and over again. 'I. Regretted. Knowing. You.'

I know that no matter what I do, it will never be enough. She's far beyond my reach but I'm not yet done... at least let me give her that one wish.

I look at the skies as I feel the raindrops pouring on my face. I'll trade everything... everything. Even if I go to hell for her sake, I will do it, just let me give her that one wish.

I promised Hope that I'll make it up with her... I'll do everything... for her.

"Travis." Isang pamilyar na tinig na parang musika sa tenga ko ang aking narinig. Ayoko siyang tingnan, dahil alam ko naman na mawawala rin siya kaagad sa paningin ko, nahihibang na naman ako.

My mind plays tricks on me again. I chuckled, shaking my head.

Suddenly, the raindrops that are peacefully running on my face start to stop as I see an umbrella sheltering me from the heavy rain. I looked down, not attempting to look at her, because everytime I do, she either disappears from my sight or she'll glare at me and curse me.

Kung magsasalita siya, magsalita na lang siya, susumbatan na naman ba niya ako?

She has every right to be mad at me, this time I'll just let her be but, how did she know where I am?

I notice a tear falling from her cheek. I would want to wipe it from her face, but I know she wouldn't want me to touch her. She's close, yet she's far from my grasp. There's this invisible wall between us and either of us wants to take it down.

Because the last time I did, I snapped and let the darkness take over my pathetic soul, yet the image of her in a constant loop of pain because of me...

I wouldn't want to hurt her, but I caused her nothing but pain.

She doesn't deserve someone like me.

Yet standing beside her, as the wind floats her scent in between our environment, feels like I've been welcomed home again.

Wake up Travis, this is just one of your dreams and fantasies.

Don't forget that you are nothing but a stranger to her, no more, no less.

"Matagal kong inakala na hindi ko na siya mahahanap," she uttered weakly fixing her cracked voice after sobbing, "Pero salamat at nabigyan mo siya ng maayos na libingan."

I should walk away, yet I know in my soul, I wanted to stay.

I want her beside me like this, but I know that this is just a dream.

I want to inhale her scent so my lungs can function again.

I want to shelter her in my arms so I can feel the warmth that I've been missing since the day I lost her.

I wanted to kiss her like I did back then in the gala, but I'm not wearing any mask to hide my face.

I wanted to see my reflection in her eyes where everything is filled with life and color.

I wanted her back in my life so bad. But because of my sins, I know I am not worthy to stand as her equal.

I've been selfish long enough and I don't want to suffocate her around my presence anymore.

With all the remaining strength I had, I turned and walked away, but after I stepped away under her umbrella, everything started to get blurry as I fell into the abyss of darkness where I should be.

M A X E N E

Hindi ko alam kung dala-dala ba niya ang kotse niya dahil hindi ko iyon makita sa paligid, buti na lang at kasama ko ang driver ko kaya nagpatulong na rin ako sa pag-alalay sa walang malay na si Travis.

Sumakay ako sa likuran para ilapat ang kamay ko sa noo niya, umaapoy siya sa lagnat at hirap na hirap siyang huminga.

"Where to Miss?" tanong ng driver ko mula sa driver seat.

"Sa ospital tayo." Bigla kong naramdaman ang kamay niya na mahigpit na hinawakan ang kamay ko pero nakapikit pa rin siya.

"Home, let me go back home." His voice is weak and it almost cracks as I cover him, transforming my pillow to a big blanket.

Tinulungan ako ng driver ko na ihatid si Travis sa penthouse kahit pa labag sa kalooban ko dahil sobrang init ni Travis, bakit kasi tumungaga siya sa ilalim ng ulan?

Nang makita ko siya sa ganoong sitwasyon, hindi ko alam kung anong kumurot sa dibdib ko, pero nang makita ko na nakatayo siya sa harapan ng puntod ni Hope, tuluyan nang bumigat ang pakiramdam ko na para bang nararamdaman ko ang kung anong nararamdaman ni Travis kanina.

Bumili na rin ako ng gamot para sakaling makatulong sa kanya dahil iiwan ko rin naman siya sa penthouse matapos ko siyang ihatid.

Nagdadalawang isip pa ako kung papalitan ko siya ng damit, kasi angalang pabayaan kong magpahinga siya na basa ng ulan ang katawan niya, mamaya magkaroon pa siya ng pneumonia, to think na noong--

Just stop looking back, Maxene.

See this as paying your debt of gratitude towards the guy who took care of you once... who...

A necklace he was wearing underneath his clothes caught my attention as my thoughts made me remember how he obtained such a crude necklace.

He's still wearing it.

I shake my head, I should focus before my thoughts lead me somewhere I shouldn't be.

Matapos ko palitan si Travis ng damit pinunasan ko siya ng tuyong tuwalya pero hindi ko pa rin maalis ang mga mata ko sa ilang pasa na nakita ko sa katawan niya, mukhang napalakas ang pwersa ko sa pagpunas sa kanya dahil narinig kong umungol siya sa sakit sa tagiliran niya.

Ang laki na ng ipinayat niya, humaba na rin ang buhok niya, pero buti na lang at kahit pa paano ay nag-ahit na ulit siya. Kasing gulo niya ang penthouse niya, to think hindi naman siya ganito dati.

Hay nako, bakit ko pa ba pinag-aaksayahan ng panahon na isipin iyon?

Gustuhin ko man ayusin ang lugar niya, pero hindi ko na naman trabaho iyon.

Makadaan nga muna sa unit ni Laurenz, baka siya, pwede niyang tulungan yung utol niyang may sakit ngayon.

Kumatok ako sa pintuan niya pero walang sumagot. Sinubukan kong ilapat ang tenga ko sa pintuan pero wala akong naririnig na may tao sa loob.

Ang swerte mo nga naman Maxene, talaga naman oh! Nasaan naman kaya yung ungas na iyon?

Nagsulat ako ng note at inipit iyon sa ilalim ng pintuan ni Laurenz, sana mabasa niya para siya na ang mag-asikaso sa kapatid niya. Hindi ko naman responsibilidad na alagaan si Travis.

Hinatid ko na siya, pinainom ng gamot at pinalitan ko na siya ng damit, sapat na iyon, bahala siya kung gagaling siya o hindi.

Papunta na ako sa parking lot kung saan nag hihintay ang driver ko pero biglang kumidlat ng malakas at nagbrown out.

Ang lakas ng kabog sa dibdib ko, oo maganda pagmasdan ang kidlat, pero ayoko ng kulog.

Binuksan ko yung pintuan ng kotse ko at sumakay.

"Uwi na tayo Kuya." mahinahong sambit ko habang kinakalma ang sarili ko.

"Miss, mukhang may bagyo ata, sabi sa balita sa radyo, malakas lakas daw po ang bagyo ngayon, magpalipas na po muna tayo dito sa basement. O kung gusto po ninyo, ihahatid ko kayo sa condo ninyo, dahil iyon po ang pinakamalapit dito."

Sounds good, but then, knowing that the building has no power, malamang sa malamang, yung taong may sakit sa penthouse...

'Let your conscience be your guide', sabi ni Jiminy Cricket, hay nako, hindi naman ako si Pinocchio para pakinggan siya pero--

Bwisit!

"Sigurado po ba kayo Ma'm?" muling tanong ng driver ko sa akin matapos ko iabot ang susi ng condo ko sa kanya.

"Balikan mo na lang ako kapag tumila na ang bagyo, ayoko naman din mapaano ka Kuya, kaya magstay ka na lang muna sa condo ko."

"Eh Ma'm paano po kayo?"

I took a deep breath and tell him, "May sakit yung kaibigan ko, kung malakas ang bagyo tulad ng sabi sa balita, hindi ko rin maasahan na makabalik kaagad ang kapatid niya, kaya aalagaan ko na lang muna siya."

"Sige po Ma'm, kung ano man po ang mangyari, tawagan niyo lang po ako ha?"

"No worries, Kuya. I'll call you. Keep safe." Paalam ko sa kanya hanggang sa hindi ko na nakita ang kotse ko na minamaneho niya.

Malas!

Muli akong umakyat sa penthouse at buti na lang at may back-up generator para paganahin yung elevator. Pagkapasok ko sa penthouse, kung paano ko ito iniwan kanina, ganoon pa rin ang hitsura nito. Madami pa ring kalat!

Nakakainis!

Wala akong choice kundi ang imisin ang mga kalat na hindi ko alam kung ilang araw ng nakakalat sa lugar niya. Nagwalis na rin ako hanggang sa mapuntahan ko yung guestroom kung saan nakita ko siyang nakahiga doon habang yakap-yakap ang mga unan na dati kong ginagamit.

Pinagmasdan ko ang kwarto na minsan kong tinulugan, ibang-iba ito sa gulo na nakita ko sa labas at sa kwarto niya. Kung paano ko ito iniwan dati, ganoon pa rin ka ayos ang guestroom na ito.

I opened my cabinet and see my stuff inside. Hindi ko pa pala nababalikan itong mga ito. Ito yung ilang gamit ko na dinala ko noong nagkaroon kami ng trip sa Japan.

Bigla kong naalala yung mga damit niya na nasa condo, hindi pa kasi ako ulit bumabalik doon. Mukhang kailangan ko na ayusin ang mga gamit ko para kunin mula dito, sakto naman at nandito pa yung maleta ko.

"Mine..." I hear him muttering weakly and see him shaking, dinoble ko yung kumot niya at umupo sa gilid ng kama nang makita kong naluha siya.

Ibang iba siya ngayon kumpara sa nakaraang mga araw kung kailan nagkakataon na nagkrukrus ang landas namin.

Halos mag tubig na rin ang mga mata ko na makita siyang ganito, pero pilit ko itong nilalabanan. I've had enough.

Inayos ko siya ng higa, kung dito niya iniisip matulog, pagbibigyan ko siya, dahil may sakit siya.

I'm checking him from time to time and I'm glad to see that he's sweating. Pinupunasan ko siya at hindi ko na nabilang kung naka-ilang tuwalya na ako para lang punasan at patungan siya ng tuwalya sa ulo niya na may mainit na tubig.

Bukas ko na lang siguro imisin yung mga bagahe ko. Mas mahalaga kasing gumaling muna yung pasyente na walang malay ngayon.

I checked his fridge and found nothing but cans of beer again. I tried my luck checking the drawers and luckily I found an instant crab soup. This will do. He needs to eat something. Buti naman at may iilang canned goods pa dito sa drawers niya, kailan ba noong huli siyang nag grocery?

The lights lit up, it seemed like the power was up after a few hours. Muli kong binuksan ang guestroom kung nasaan yung pasyente ko at muling pinalitan ang tuwalya sa ulo niya na ngayon ay malamig na.

Nagulat na lang ako nang dumaplis ang mga daliri niya sa kamay ko. May kung ano na namang kuryenteng dumaloy sa kamay ko mula sa mainit niyang palad.

I am melting to push his hand away from me. I see how breathing works difficult for him until his fingers trace my face like a soft cotton.

"Are you real?" His eyes are filled with pain as he looks into my eyes.

I want to look away, feeling his hand caressing my face gently, but it's still painful. I gulped, closing my eyes, removing his hand away from my face. "Magpagaling ka, mahina ka pa." I reprimanded him softly and saw him smiling at me like a child.

"If this is a dream, I don't want to wake up anymore." he uttered softly, breathing heavily, "Because you're here." his hand intertwined mine as he closed his eyes. "Mine..." The way he utters that endearment, pinches my soul as I look at him as the embodiment of lies, pain and suffering that he is embracing all by himself.

I shut my eyes.

I remembered Sister Elizabeth telling me, 'Hindi lang ikaw ang nahihirapan sa nangyari, dahil hindi lang naman ikaw ang nawalan, Angela.'

That image of him standing like a soulless person in front of Hope's grave under the pouring rain pops up in my mind.

'He lies too much. He lies to hide his pain.' Monique reminded me of something I knew all along. I just choose to ignore it, for my pride.

I hate him. I want to harden my heart because of the pain he caused me, yet, why does seeing him like this melts me that no matter how I fight it, I can't reason myself... That he is like me...

He is still mourning... like me...

He's in pain... like me...

He is suffering... like me...

He is crying... like me...

He lies... like me...

Muli kong inihain sa kanya ang bagay na kinatatakutan niya at iniwan siyang mag-isa.

I told him that I see through him, but I choose to be blind.

I told him that I'll accept 'his everything', but I threw them all away.

I promised to protect the weakest side of him, but I failed and gave up on him.

I promised that he'll never be alone, but I left him with nothing.

Monique is right. I am worse than her.

I destroyed not just his heart, but also his soul.

Another tear fell from my eye as my thumb traced his face and saw him opening his eyes. His hand gently holds mine on his face as he asks me with a voice filled with regret, pain and yearning.

"What happened to us?"

"We lost."