M A X E N E

Matapos ang naging pag-uusap ng pamilya namin, niyaya ako ni Pierre lumabas, nakita ko naman na parang ikinatuwa iyon ni Senator dahil sa siya ang nag first move sa aming dalawa.

Nag-excuse muna ako para mag-ayos saglit sa washroom at sinamahan naman ako ni Mom, pero bakas pa rin sa kanya ang matinding pag-aalala.

"Are you really sure that you'll do this?" she asks for the nth time, "I can talk things out with Franco habang wala pang prenup."

I smiled, "Don't worry Mom, kaibigan ko naman po si Pierre, I'm sure magkakasundo naman po kami."

"But that's not the point here, you've been a lot the past months after-"

"This is different Mom," I reminded her, "Don't worry."

"How can't I," she cups my face, "Because of our incompetence we put you in this situation." She's blaming herself again, "I wasn't paying much attention enough with the status of the company, with your Dad's work. Everything. This is all my fault."

I gave her a hug comforting her.

"But then, I'm thankful Mom." I tell her as she pulls herself away looking at me with uncertainty, "Because even if you say that you're not paying attention enough, with everything else, you were there for us. For Maxwell, for Trix and for me."

"Anong sinasabi mo, madami nga akong pagkukulang sa inyo," her voice is modest, "Lalong, lalo na sa iyo, anak."

"True." I agreed, "Masama pa rin po ang loob ko sa inyo matapos ng mangyari sa anak ko." She gulped with guilt in her eyes and looks away. "But being a mother is one hell of a job, right Mom?"

"Maxene..." Mom's voice is melancholic.

"For three months, I had Hope, everyday that alone gives me a tough decision, whether I'll continue or abort the baby," I look at her, "But every time I think of aborting the baby, I remember you when you had me, Mom."

Mom cried a tear for me.

"I can't blame you if you hated the idea of me carrying my baby for three months. I can't blame you if you're mad because I decided to keep it from you, that's just a natural reaction, because you're my Mom and you just wanted what's best for me." She bit her lip and forced herself to smile.

"I know that I was selfish for ignoring your advice for a very long time. Masyado po akong nagmamarunong, masyado akong nag matigas, and in the end, I just ended up disappointing you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you without even realizing it, Mom."

She shakes her head hushing me, "I'm not disappointed at you Maxene, I was scared for you. I'm scared to lose you, your doctor said the risks and I can't accept that you're taking a chance in exchange of an innocent life." She caressed my cheek, "But I'm proud of you. I'm so proud of you." She repeated those words comforting me.

"I wish I could turn back time, para nabigyan man lang natin ng maayos na libingan si Hope, I'm really sorry for what happened and I'm sorry if I failed as a mother to you. I'm sorry for not being able to give you the support you need when you need me the most."

This time I'm the one who is shaking my head in front of her, "You did your best Mom. It's tough, but this time, I'll do what's best for us, I'll do what's best for me." I say and I embrace her again. "Trust me, Mom."

"I will, and this time if anything happens, I'm here, don't forget that." She reminded me as she kissed my temple holding a promise to me.

Inayos ko ang sarili ko bago pa mapansin ng mga tao sa paligid na ka iiyak ko lang at ganun din si Mom.

For some reason, this time, I understand why Mom is putting up a cold front every time she's with different people.

Bihira ko si Mom makitang mahina o umiyak, dahil kahit kailan hindi naman niya talaga ipinakita sa amin ng mga kapatid ko na mahina siya. Hindi dahil sa ayaw niya, dahil sa ayaw niya kami mag-alala sa kanya.

Ika niya, sa tuwing wala si Dad, siya ang nagsisilbing ilaw at haligi ng tahanan ng pamilya namin.

Hindi madali ang trabaho niyang iyon, lalo na at hindi niya kami araw-araw na natututukan. Kaya pala ganoon na lang ang higpit niya sa patakaran sa bahay pati na rin sa mga kasambahay namin.

Who would have thought that being a mother would be the most difficult job in the world? And the only foundation that she had was her unconditional love for us.

To other people, they might see my Mom as the typical ice queen because of her strict and controlling rules.

Some people might have lost faith in her capabilities of being a good leader. That's why she lost some of her people's trust, which almost led her to losing that one thing she built for many years. But I'm thankful that she also has someone like Joanne, who stood by her and defended her and the other people who still stick up with Mom until the very end.

Kaya pala noong kasagsagan ng pakikipagkita ko sa Psychiatrist ko, madalas siyang absent sa mga sessions ko, iyon ay dahil sa aberya sa kumpanya, all thanks of course to Senator Valentine, and yes, I'm being sarcastic, he's an asshole for using his power and influence over my family's business, for what, to get even with my Dad?

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung paano didiskartehan ang arrangement namin ni Pierre, pero nasabi na rin naman niya sa akin dati na: tulad ko, ineenjoy niya ang freedom niya dahil alam niyang dadating siya sa point na i-a-arrange din siya sa taong hindi naman niya gusto.

Maybe we can be allies, who knows?

Sumama ako kay Pierre at nag-date kami.

Well, ginagawa na rin naman namin ito dati, pero tamang labas lang bilang magkaibigan, lalo na at hassle ang schedule niya sa school dati, hindi ko na lang alam ngayon. Natigil lang naman ang hang-out naming dalawa dahil sa pinagseselosan siya ng ex ko.

"Who would have thought, huh? Me and you, in this situation." He tries to open up a conversation. Nakatambay kami malapit sa isang parking lot sa mall.

"Baka naman matagal mo ng alam, tapos nagkukunwari ka lang." I teased, raising him an eyebrow.

"Not really." There's this familiar humor in his voice.

"Sus, dati nga wagas kung pormahan mo ako," I tell him and he chuckled, "Sinabi mo pa sa akin na gusto mo ako, so, ano iyon?"

"To be honest, that's just me provoking him." He shakes his head as if he is remembering a funny memory. I look away. "Ni hindi ko pa nga alam kung sineseryoso ka niya talaga o tamang pass time ka lang niya o ginagamit ka lang niya para pagselosin si Monique."

That third option stings.

"Well, it doesn't matter now."Malamig kong tugon.

"Alam mo, noong huli naming pagkikita, itinanggi niya na break na kayo." He says casually.

"Why would he even do that?" I asked, since I never got to see a guy's point of view regarding break-ups.

He shrugged, "I don't know, sino ba kasi ang nakipagbreak?" He asks with curiosity and I look away, "By your reaction, I can sense that you're the one who initiated the break up, tama ba ako?" He chuckled as if he just humored himself, "Para sa aming mga lalaki, nakakababa ng ego iyon, and knowing him, surely he hates defeat. Sa grupo, iyon ang common ground namin." he chuckled, "No wonder why he denied it."

"Who even cares." I brush the topic off, "Well good for him, now he can finally be with Monique."

"True." That one word forms a knot inside my chest. "Pero sa tingin mo ba, sineryoso ka talaga ni Travis sa loob ng ilang buwan?" Him mentioning his name suddenly sends my heart in the chasm of darkness.

"Why are we even talking about this Pierre?" I shake my head, closing my eyes, "Like what we have, he and I were just stuck because of this arrangement."

"You can't even say his name." He teases, maybe he's amused by my reaction.

"It just doesn't matter anymore." I tell him, forcing a smile on my face.

"It matters because you fell in love with him." Those words were a reality slapping my face. Pierre is looking at me with sincerity, "Ikaw ang nahulog Maxene, ikaw ang talo sa sugal na ito."

A tear betrayed me and I immediately looked away before he could even notice.

"No matter what you do, it will always be Monique. He loved her for years, would you even think that he'll get over her just like that, just because what, you were arranged with him?" He added as if he is peeling onions in my heart, "Sa totoo lang, miski kami na tropa niya, duda sa kung ano mang milagro na namamagitan sa inyong dalawa. Kaya nga lagi din namin siyang tinutukso kasi kung tutuusin, nanatili lang siya dahil sa kasunduan ninyong dalawa."

I forced out an awkward laugh, "Yeah, yeah, yeah I know." I know.

"Back to my question earlier, sa tingin mo ba, sineryoso ka talaga ni Travis?"

I shrugged, not saying anything.

"You should know the answer Maxene." His voice is insisting.

"Eh, sa hindi ko nga alam eh." I snapped, but my voice is deprived as I wipe my tears away, "Bakit ba kailangan natin siyang pag-usapan?" I just want this topic to be over.

"Because you have to feel the pain, over and over again." He pauses, "Until you don't feel anything anymore."

I look at him and see warmth in his eyes, "Minsan kailangan mong maging matigas, dahil sobra ka ng nasaktan, hindi mo deserve ang nangyari sa iyo, lalo na sa-," he paused looking at me cautiously, "Anak mo."

I bit my lip inwardly.

"I pity you and I'm sorry for your loss. But looking at the bright side, at least panandalian lang nasaktan ang anak mo, hindi ba?" I'm not sure if those words are supposed to be comforting or not, but his tone is a little indifferent as if he just stepped on my pride.

I say nothing but look away, "But you have my deepest respect after all what has happened to you." He added.

I gaze up to him with uncertainty as I see his eyes with nothing but kindness. "Alam mo, kung sakali man at napunta pa rin tayo sa ganitong sitwasyon na may dala-dala ka pa, handa naman akong tanggapin ka ng buong-buo."

I gave him a confused look, "What do you mean-"

"Hindi naman ako katulad ni Dad na kapag nabuntis ng ibang lalaki ang babaeng nakalaan para sa kanya, ay iiwan niya ito dahil lang sa kahihiyan."

He...he knows about that story as well?

"I am fully aware of who Miranda Stewart is, in my father's life, Maxene." Looks like he just read me by the reaction of my face. "She was supposed to be my father's wife, but before the week of their wedding, your mother was caught in a scandal, hindi ba?" He questioned.

That's not for me to answer. As much as possible I wouldn't want to answer that question.

Because the result of that scandal was me. I'm 'the accident' that wasn't supposed to happen.

I suddenly feel awkward around him. I don't really know what to say.

"Dad sees no other woman for him, but Miranda, alam mo ba iyon?" He asks. "Ewan ko ba kay Dad at malakas ang tama niya doon sa Mommy mo." He's trying not to sound sarcastic, but I almost hear the bitterness from his voice.

"All my mother's life, she was only second to Miranda Stewart." He chuckled, "Ilang taon niyang itinago sa aming mag kapatid ang bigat na iyon sa puso niya." He looks at the sunset ahead of us. "Hanggang sa isang araw, napagod na lang siya."

I don't know why that last sentence pinches something in my heart.

"I almost see you in her," he looks at me, "Masyadong mapagtiis at matiyaga si Mom." He paused with a soft smile, "All is going smoothly between him and Dad. Dahil sa siya ang naging karamay ni Dad noong lugmok na lugmok siya sa pagkaka-reject sa kanya ni Miranda." He sighs. "Mom thought that Dad had moved on from his previous engagement because Dad proposed to her and got her pregnant. It's a happily ever after for Mom."

He shakes his head, "But then, that all changed when he found out that your Mom married your father, it just filled him with great hatred and envy when he saw your parents together." He closed his eyes. "Doon pa lang, ang akala ni Mom na sapat na siya para kay Dad ay unti-unting nauubos kahit pa gawin niya ang lahat, para lang mapunan ang takot at pangamba na iyon sa puso niya, iniisip niya, siya ang pinakasalan, kaya sapat na iyon sa kanya para maniwala sa marriage nila, nanatili siya sa tabi ni Dad hanggang sa maisilang si Addy, pero kulang pa rin ang ibinibigay niya para muli siyang pagtuunan ng pansin ni Dad."

I may not know his mom personally, but I'm already feeling sorry for her.

"Dad chooses to be stuck in the past," He stated, "Kaya mahirap mahalin ang isang taong nakatali pa sa nakaraan." He looks at me with sincerity. "Simula ng malaman ko na arranged lang kayo, oo, sinubukan kong agawin ang atensyon mo, iyon ay dahil sa alam ko naman na sa huli, hindi ikaw ang pipiliin niya. That's a fact that you can't erase Maxene."

My emotions were caught off guard as a tear fell from my eye and he wiped it for me.

"Sa isang taon na nakasama mo siya, nakaramdam ka ba ng security sa kanya?"

Para akong batang natatanga sa tanong na iyon, "I'm not sure anymore." I admitted and heard him sighed. He embraced me and gave me a comforting hug.

"Alam kong arranged din tayo," he gently pushes me away, "Pero at least naging magkaibigan muna tayo, hindi ba?" His voice cheered me up and I smiled.

"I'm not rushing you, but since we're in this arrangement, let me help you forget him." He smiled at me. "Forgetting is a choice," he says, "Willing akong tulungan ka, kung willing ka rin tulungan ang sarili mo."

I giggled, "Yeah. You're right."

"Sa ngayon, ienjoy natin ang company ng isa't-isa at bitawan natin ang lahat ng bagahe natin sa nakaraan." Nakangiting sambit sa akin ng kaibigan ko.

DAYS PASSED BY like a blink of an eye. Everything happens so fast that I have no other choice but to catch up.

My career gave me a huge break and beside me is my supportive fiance, this time, everybody knows the face of my fiance, dahil minsan na siyang naging surprise guest sa national television. Marami kaming natanggap na positive feedbacks online at dahil sa naging publicity ni Pierre, ikinatuwa iyon ng Daddy niya, pero kapalit noon ay ang biglaang paghihigpit sa akin ni Pierre na dapat daw ay pangalagaan ko ang image namin bilang magkarelasyon. I know he doesn't see me as a romantic partner, but since we're in this arrangement, what I do will definitely affect his image, vice versa.

Ganoon naman sa political marriage, isa pa, alam ko naman na nakabantay sa amin ang mga mata ni Senator.

Nakakasakal na.

Everytime, I hear the phrase, 'Put up your best behavior Maxene, first impression lasts, don't forget that,' I feel a pressure to comply with that demand.

Ilang tao pa ba ang dapat kong pakisamahan, kausapin at ngitian? Hindi ko naman sila kilala lahat.

Bakit lahat sila nakatingin sa akin?

Bakit pakiramdam ko, hinihintay nila akong magkamali?

Bakit pakiramdam ko, matapos ko silang ngitian, pag-uusapan nila ako pagtalikod ko? Ano ang pinag-uusapan nila tungkol sa akin?

Bakit pakiramdam ko... pakiramdam ko...

"Let's play." a little girl said, holding a kite, smiling at me.

Her smile reminds me of my childhood days when all I did was play, have fun and enjoy life as if there's no tomorrow.

Ang kulit at napakasigla niyang tingnan, punong puno siya ng buhay, tila pati ang mga bulaklak sa hardin ay nagsasayaw para sa kanya.

Nakikipaglaro siya sa akin na para bang sabik na sabik siyang makita ako. Hindi ko siya kilala, pero nakahinga ako ng maluwag ng makita ko siya.

"Tell me, is this all you ever hoped for in your life?" the curious little girl asked a random question. I put up a happy facade, "Say, are you happy?" the little girl asked again tilting her head as if she's not convinced of my reaction.

"I'll be fine." I answered, attempting to pat her head but she moved away playfully. I noticed how her smile fades from her lips, her reaction suddenly shows a familiar face as if I'm looking at my younger self.

"Fine is not happy." She giggled. "You're funny."

Something pinched my gut as I saw her face clearly like a blooming flower in the middle of nowhere.

I saw myself in her, but her eyes were not the same as mine.

I start to feel a heavy weight emerging in my chest. I feel my throat dry attempting to call her name.

"Playtime is over." she uttered, heaving a heavy sigh as if she's hiding the melancholy in her voice.

"Let's play a little more, maaga pa naman, oh." I tried convincing her but I failed. She turned her back at me, mouthing words I couldn't hear. "What are you saying? I can't hear you." I asked, this time she just smiled looking at me with sadness in her eyes.

Sa paraan kung paano niya ako pagmasdan, para kong nadismaya ang isang batang umaasa sa pangakong iniwan sa kanya.

But then, looking at how she looked at me, I can tell that she's not disappointed at me, her eyes were just sad. She's sad for me.

Before she disappeared in my sight she mouthed that one word that pulled such gravity in my soul. "Always..."

Every time that girl visits my dreams, it always ends the same.

I woke up from that dream, crying my heart out, again.

I wanted to hear her, but I couldn't. Para akong nabibingi.

I am trying to read the words that she's mouthing to me, but I can't. Lumalabo ang mga mata ko kapag pilit kong inuunawa ang mga salitang gusto niyang sabihin sa akin.

I can't reach her, whenever I run towards her. She's playing hide and seek with me, and when playtime is over, she's going to stand up not waiting for me to call her name, leaving me with that same expression every time that dream ends.

She's sad for me.

I PAID A VISIT with my psychiatrist talking about that strange dream of mine, and as explained, the little girl in my dream is the representation of me when I was still a child. A little girl who is filled with hopes, dreams, energy, curiosity, freedom and happiness.

As the doctor helped me understand the meaning of my dream, it unraveled that a part of me is being suppressed.

That, the reason I can't hear her, is because I choose not to hear her and the reason why I can't read the words she's mouthing me, is because I choose to be blinded by my own reality.

A part of me wants to break free from the freedom I owe to myself.

Pero sa pagkakataong ito, alam kong hindi ako pwede maging makasarili. Lagi kong itinatatak sa utak ko na ginagawa ko ito para sa pamilya ko. Para kay Mom, kay Dad, kay Maxwell at kay Beatrix.

I have to make this arrangement work.

"It's been a while since you last visited me Maxene, kamusta ka na ba?" My doctor asked with her usual friendly approach.

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko na namalayan na naka-ilang buwan na rin ang lumipas, ni hindi na nga ako aware kung anong petsa na sa sobrang bilis ng mga pangyayari sa buhay ko. Ang gusto ko lang ay ang maunawaan ang sarili ko dahil pakiramdam ko, sa pressure na nangyayari sa araw-araw ko, baka sumabog ako ulit.

I just have to handle myself better this time.

"Everything is fine, Doc. Thank you for asking." I answered by putting up my best smile just for the sake of not letting her inform my parents about what's bothering me.

Kung kailangan kong kaibiganin ang sarili ko para mapangalagaan ang mental health ko sa pagkakataong ito, gagawin ko. This is the only thing I can do for myself and I'm patting my back for doing a good job in it even though life is difficult.

Sapat na naman ang malaman ko kung ano ang opinyon ng doktor ko sa panaginip ko na iyon.

Nang minsan na dumalaw ako sa simbahan na matagal ko ng hindi ginagawa, isang hindi inaasahang tao ang tumabi sa akin para kamustahin din ako.

"Kamusta na Angela?" si Sister Elizabeth. "Kinawayan kita pero hindi mo ata ako napansin. Nilapitan na lang kita kasi halatang may bumabagabag sa iyo."

Nginitian ko lang siya bilang tugon ng may lumapit na dalawang batang lalaki sa harapan niya.

"Sister, thank you po dahil sa inyo, nagkaroon po kami ng panibagong mga magulang." sila Antonio at Miguel.

"Wala iyon hijo, alagaan ninyo ang isa't-isa ha." payo ng madre sa kanila.

"Ate? Ate ikaw ba yan?" bati sa akin ni Miguel na nakangiti sa akin.

"Kamusta na Ate?" tanong sa akin ni Tony.

"Tumangkad ata kayo at mas pumogi ah?" bati ko sa magkapatid. Natatawang nahihiya ang reaksyon na binigay sa akin ni Tony. Parang kailan lang.

"Hindi mo kasama si Kuya?" inosenteng tanong sa akin ni Miguel na dahilan kung bakit parang natuyo ang lalamunan ko, dahil alam kong hindi si Pierre ang tinutukoy nila. Tapos na ang lahat sa amin.

"Tapos na ang misa mga anak, saan ninyo gusto kumain?" tanong ng isang babaeng lumapit kina Tony at Miguel. "Kayo po pala Sister." Nginitian ng ginang ang madre at nakita ko kung paano ginulo ng lalaking kasama niya ang buhok ng magkapatid.

The couple look like on their early thirties. Pinagmamasdan ko sila habang nag-uusap. Natutuwa ako na makita na may tatayo ng magulang sa kanila.

"Siya po pala si Ate Angel, siya po ang nagdala sa amin sa ampunan, Mama." pakilala sa akin ng makulit na si Miguel.

Nginitian ako ng mag-asawa at nagpasalamat, dahil dinala ko ang magkapatid noon sa bahay ampunan, na siya ring dahilan kung bakit din nila nakilala sila Tony at Miguel.

"Thank you for giving hope to these kids. No wonder why a person like you is blessed and is loved by many." puri sa akin ng ginang.

"I just did what's best for them back then. Isa pa po mahirap na mapunta sila sa maling tao. Masyado pa po silang bata para po mapahamak kung sakaling hindi ko po sila nadala agad sa ampunan." nahihiyang paliwanag ko.

Nginitian ako ng ginang, "Ako naman ay nawalan ng anak." paliwanag niya na may lungkot sa mga mata, "I even suffered postpartum depression after I lost my baby, matagal tagal din bago ako naka recover, halos mawalan ako ng pag-asa, pero," she looked at her husband with a smile, "Buti na lang at hindi niya ako iniwan kahit pa alam ko na nagkulang ako sa kanya."

It'll be rude if I can't put up a right reaction after that "You can always try again naman po." I suggested with a friendly smile.

"Well, the doctors advised that I should heal first, and healing takes time. Hindi rin naman biro ang mawalan ng anak." nahihiyang paliwanag ng ginang.

"That's why for now, we resort to adopting at wala rin namang masama doon." proud na sagot ng ginoo sa kanyang asawa at tumingin sa gawi ko, "Itong si misis kasi sobrang insecure sa sarili kahit na sobra kong pinapaalala sa kanya na sapat na siya sa akin."

Tinawanan lang sila ng madre at ng magkapatid. I bit my lip inward maintaining a smile on my face. Good for them.

"Kung tatanungin mo kasi Angela, itong si Ariel, laking ampunan din ang lalaking ito." Kwento ni Sister sa akin.

"Ah, totoo po iyan at proud po ako." the guy named Ariel give me a small wave. "Kita naman po, pinalaki ako ng maayos ng mga nag ampon sa akin."

His wife hissed with a smile on her face, "Talaga ba? Sus buhat bangko ka lang eh. Pabida."

"Grabe ka Lena, hindi naman ganun. Ang nega lang pakinggan, ikaw talaga baka maniwala sa iyo si Ms. Maxene. Smile lang, dali." Ariel pokes her cheek teasing her.

For some reason, bigla kong naalala si Kenzo kay Kuya Ariel, pero may ibang parte rin na naalala ko rin sa kanya si... I immediately dismissed that thought.

I diverted my attention to the happy family in front of me. Kahit ordinaryo na pamilya lang sila, masaya sila. I can tell by how they look at each other's eyes. Lalo na yung tingin ng mag-asawa sa mga anak nila.

"Nako po, kahit Maxene na lang po." I humbly say because the fact that they're older than me, they're the ones who I should look up to, lalo na at napaka-down to earth nilang mag-asawa.

Hindi na ako nakasali sa sumunod na naging usapan nila Ate Lena, Kuya Ariel at Sister Elizabeth, nagkamustahan lang naman sila at hindi rin nagtagal ay nauna na umalis sa amin dahil gutom na si Miguel, nagawa pa nga niyang magyaya sa Jollibee.

Ang babaw lang talaga ng kaligayahan ng mga bata. Kung sana ganun lang kadali ang maging masaya.

"Hindi mo pa sinasagot ang tanong ko Angela." nakangiting paalala ng madre sa akin.

"Ayos lang po ako Sister." I know that's an obvious lie that I keep on telling everyone, but I just have to do my best for them not to worry about me anymore.

"Nagkita na ba kayo ulit ni Ken?"

"Hindi pa po ulit eh, busy na rin po ako, plus baka po busy siya." Natatawa kong sambit.

"Pero nang kamustahin ko naman ikaw sa kanya, ang sabi niya hindi pa daw kayo ulit nagkikita matapos ng ilang buwan, sa telebisyon na lang niya nababalitaan ang pagbabago sa buhay mo." may panghihinayang at pag-aalala sa boses ng madre, "Maaring busy siya sa trabaho, pero para sayo, gumagawa naman siya ng paraan, lalo na at nasabi niya rin sa akin ang nangyari sa iyo." hinagod ng madre ang likuran ko, "Nag-aalala lang si Ken sa iyo Angela..."

"Napakadaldal talaga ni Kenzo." natatawang nahihiya kong sambit bago pa ako maiyak. "Nahihiya po tuloy ako sa inyo Sister."

"Angela, hindi kita hinuhusgahan, simula ng dinala ka ni Ken sa ampunan, ibang-iba ka ng makilala kita sa personal kaysa sa napapanood kita sa telebisyon." she held my face, "Mahalaga ka kay Kenzo, kaya mahalaga ka rin sa akin, kami na nga ata ang naging pangalawang pamilya mo sa tuwing nalulungkot ka, naalala mo pa ba iyon?"

Nostalgic memories play in my mind as if everything is just yesterday.

"Hayaan mo ang sarili mong huminga paminsan minsan Angela." payo ng madre sa akin. "Tingnan mo siya," turo niya sa crucifix, "Hirap na hirap man siya, pero lahat ng hinaing natin sa buhay, dinala niya."

"Baka po kapag dumagdag pa ako, mas lalo lang po siyang mapagod makinig sa akin." nahihiya kong sambit sa madre. "Isa pa po, kasalanan ko rin naman po at kaya ako nasaktan." I muttered.

"Ang pagmamahal ng Diyos sa atin ay walang hangganan. Ang tunay na pag-ibig niya sa atin ay walang kapaguran, Angela. Hindi ka niya pababayaan, basta magtiwala ka lang, may plano siya para sa iyo." payo ng madre sa akin. "Ang lahat ng pasakit mo ngayon, ay may kaakibat na ginhawa sa tamang panahon."

Alam ko naman na gusto niya lang gumaan ang kalooban ko kaya naikwento ko rin sa kanya ang tungkol sa panaginip ko, pero miski si Sister, may sariling interpretation sa panaginip ko.

"Isang anghel ang batang iyon." nakangiting kumento ng madre at inilapat niya ang palad niya sa dibdib ko, "Sa puso mo, alam kong alam mo kung sino ang batang iyon."

I bit my lip and this time a tear just fell.

"I failed Sister," I uttered weakly, "I tried..."

"Walang may kasalanan sa nangyari, aksidente ang lahat Angela." pagdamay sa akin ng madre, "Hindi lang ikaw ang nahihirapan sa nangyari, dahil hindi lang naman ikaw ang nawalan, Angela."

I don't really know how to react or what to say after she said those last words. To be honest, I'm skeptical to believe in any of that. Lalo na kapag naalala ko ang sinabi ni Pierre noong huling beses na napag-usapan namin siya.

I'm stupid, and I regretted everything.

"Kung nasaktan ka sa una at sa pangalawa, ipahinga mo muna ang sarili mo sa sakit, mas mahalin mo ang sarili mo at darating din ang araw na magiging masaya ka ulit ng hindi ka umaasa sa ibang tao." muling payo sa akin ni Sister Elizabeth.

Every night after that talk I had with Sister Elizabeth, I always offer a prayer to my unborn child. Kung si Hope man ang batang nagpapakita sa panaginip ko, kahit mag-alay ako ng ilang dasal para matahimik siya, gagawin ko.

'I'm so sorry, Hope. Hindi man lang kita nabigyan ng maayos na libingan. Pero sa puso ko, hinding hindi kita malilimutan. I hope you could forgive me... I'm so sorry Hope...I failed you. I love you so much.'

I logged on to my personal blog that I kept from the noisy world that I am living in and the only people who knew about this are my two best buds. Sila Sarah at Martin.

Doon na lang ako nakakapag-update ng mga ganap ko sa buhay dahil bilang lang sa kamay ang panahon na pinayagan ako ni Pierre na dumalaw sa mga kaibigan ko. Kaya hindi rin ako nakikipagkita kay Kenzo ulit, ay dahil alam ko naman na naka alitan ni Pierre dati si Ken. Tanggap ko na rin na magkaiba ang mundo namin ni Kenzo, kung ang paraan lang para maprotektahan ko siya sa ay ang pag-iwas ko sa kanya, gagawin ko na lang. Sadyang ayoko lang na mainvolve pa si Ken sa gulo ng buhay ko ngayon.

Yung condo ko, nakakalungkot man, pero tinatapos ko na lang yung kontrata ko doon, sa mansyon na rin naman ako umuuwi dahil marami rami din ang alaalang naipon na dapat kong burahin doon.

I browsed my blog and see some appreciation on my posts, tama nga si Sarah, nakakatulong din ang pagsusulat ng blog, therapy din kasi ni Sarah ito sa sarili niya.

Bumalik ako sa pagsusulat ng kung anu-ano, sadyang napaka-random kong tao. Kahit man lang sa blog ko na ito, I can be my own person. Kahit man lang ito, maibigay ko sa sarili ko na hindi inaalala ang iisipin ng ibang tao, lalong lalo na ng pamilya ko.

I posted my old collection of poems online and saw some appreciations from it. There are some bloggers who reblogs my posts, dahil natutuwa daw sila basahin yung mga gawa ko na tamang hugot lang daw.

Yung iba naman natutuwa sa ibang scenery pictures na pinopopst ko sa tuwing may lakad kami ni Pierre. Dahil nga din doon ay binansagang akong Wanderlust ng followers ko.

I must say, that name has a pretty nice ring to it, kaya from a boring blog name, I used Wanderlust as my new name.

Encouraging words from anonymous people really helps someone who is having a hard time in their life, well hindi man lahat, dahil may toxic posts din naman online, but you can always filter the bad things from the good things. It's just a matter of perspective.

It felt nice having an online community that is open like this, kahit papaano, nakakahinga ako ng maluwag, kahit pansamantala lang. Pakiramdam ko hindi rin ako nag-iisa at hindi man tulad ng pinagdadaanan ng iba, someone out there just listens and that alone is enough for me to express myself even more without being judged.

Well, hindi ko naman kailangan ng maraming followers dahil private naman ang blog ko na ito at iilan lang ang nakakakita, sinet ko rin na unsearchable siya sa Google, dahil kapag nahanap ni Google ang account ko na ito, edi goodbye privacy.

I clicked 'New Post' as I typed my new entry for today.

W A N D E R L U S T's
Blog Post

Little girl flying a beautiful kite,
How far could you hold on to it's flight?
The wind may blew it's string away,
Little girl, holding onto the thread of faith.

Little girl, the clouds are getting dark,
You should go home before it rains hard.
Little girl, why do you keep on holding your kite?
Thunder and lightning, doesn't it scare you at all?

Little girl, the storm has passed,
I'm proud to see you face them as a strong and fearless lass,
Little girl, why do you let your kite float you from the ground so fast?
Little girl, why do you leave me with a broken heart?

Little girl, I love you so much.
Little girl, I'm sorry if I'm too weak to keep you in my heart.
My sweet little girl, please forgive me.
My sweet little girl, be my angel and guide me.

-for Hope.

Nihility liked this post.

I smiled, suki ko na ata itong si Nihility. Wala kaming mutual follower, baka private blogger din siya. With curiosity, I checked her account but I found nothing but a bunch of playlist, kulang na lang maging MySpace ang blog niya.

Next time na lang ako kokopya ng playlist, mukhang magaganda rin ang taste niya sa music kaya finollow back ko siya sabay log-off sa blog account ko.

Kailangan ko na rin magpahinga.

Tomorrow is gonna be another day.