T R A V I S

Agad ko siyang isinugod sa hospital at agad rin naman siyang inasikaso sa Emergency Room, nilagyan siya ng oxygen mask dahil halos mawalan na naman siya ng kulay. Agad na pinuntahan siya ng doktor niya at chineck ang vitals niya.

Gulong-gulo na ako ang bilis ng mga pangyayari sa hospital at sa paligid ko. Kinailangan daw iadmit si Maxene kaagad.

Everything happens so fast I couldn't catch up, kanina lang nasa emergency room kami, tapos dinala nila si Maxene sa operating room, hindi ko pa maintindihan kung bakit kailangan siyang dalhin doon dahil wala akong naririnig kundi ang tunog ng heart monitor niya.

Pwera sa cardiologist niya, may iba pang specialist na tinawag para umalalay sa kondisyon ni Maxene ngayon, hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit kailangan ng maraming doktor na dapat umalalay sa kanya, pero mas lalo kong ikinatakot iyon dahil, ganoon kaselan ang sitwasyon niya ngayon.

Para akong asong naka sunod kung saan siya dalhin.

Ayokong mawala siya sa paningin ko...

Ayokong marinig na lang na nawala na siya...

Hindi ko kaya.

I'm so overwhelmed by everything.

Everything was noisy and I couldn't hear my own voice.

Everything is falling apart in front of me.

I was left overrun with everything I couldn't carry all at once and I can't even ask why.

Everything is heavy as the gravity drowns me in the pit of darkness.

Everything is so wrong I couldn't think straight anymore.

I hold my hands together, keeping myself from breaking down. I hold my hands tightly and close my eyes.

I took a deep breath as I started praying in my heart like what I did when I almost lost my biological mother.

After all these years, I cling into the impossible, hoping for a miracle to save the woman I love.

'I'll do everything, just please let her be alright.

If you're doing this to punish me for everything I've done, please, I'll take everything, just spare her life.

Ako na lang po ang parusahan ninyo, huwag lang siya.

She doesn't deserve this... She's in too much pain already... Please... save her... God, save her... I beg of you... '

Tumungo ako habang nararamdaman ang bloke ng kongkreto sa dibdib ko na nakadagan sa puso ko, nahihirapan akong huminga.

Inilapat ko ang palad ko sa dibdib ko habang sinusubukan kong pakalmahin ang sarili ko nang mahawakan ko ang isang maliit na bagay na nagbigay ng liwanag sa akin.

I opened the silver pendant she gave me and saw our picture together.

I smiled and held on to this little thing as I gathered everything I have left in me, setting aside my fears and doubts.

This is not the right time for me to fall.

I have to stand firm and gather every strength my heart has left.

I have to stay strong for us.

I have to stay strong for Maxene.

Nang maging stable na ang vitals ni Maxene, dinala na siya sa isang private room.

Wala pa rin siyang malay, naka-oxygen mask siya at nakasaksak yung dextrose sa kamay niya.

Seeing that same hand where her bracelet is supposed to be, I felt melancholic because it's gone now.

Our bracelet broke.

Yet seeing that ring I gave her, is something that I will cling onto.

I remembered the promises I gave her, and no matter what, I will honor them with every beat of my heart.

I hold her hand.

I will do everything for you, Maxene.

I plant a soft kiss on her hand.

I love you Mine. I love you so much Maxene.

"I'm sorry for your loss." That's her doctor's voice.

Hindi ko alam kung sa akin niya ba yun sinasabi, pero ng tiningnan ko siya, nakumpirma ko na ako ang kinakausap niya.

"What?" I asked her, I couldn't recognize my own voice anymore, my voice almost broke. My reaction confuses her. "Anong ibig mong sabihin doon, Doc?" Muli kong tanong sa kanya.

I see her looking at me with uncertainty as if she wants to retract the words she said, "I'm sorry, I thought you're already aware of her situation."

"I know she's sick. But she's stable now, right?"

"She is stable, for now." The doctor uttered softly, "But I don't know how she'll take it."

"Doc, ano po ba ang ibig mong sabihin?" Gulong-gulo na ako, pwede ba, sagutin na lang niya ang tanong ko. "Ano pa ba ang hindi ko alam sa fiance ko?"

"She was three months..." The doctor gulped and cleared her throat, "She was pregnant."

I gulped.

She's...What...?

My voice failed to say those two words.

"I'm sorry, akala ko alam mo na, akala ko sinabi na sayo ni Maxene." The doctor's voice is all that resonates in my ears as I give her my undivided attention.

The doctor explained Maxene's situation and I listened.

She informed me what she told Maxene back when she found out that she was five weeks pregnant.

The doctor couldn't guarantee if both the mother and the child could survive because of the possible risks that could happen along the way with a condition like Maxene's.

Pero mas pinili ni Max na dalhin ang anak namin kahit na alam niya ang maaaring mangyari sa kanya.

The doctor informed her of the possible consequences if she decides to conceive a child with a heart problem like her.

Either possible na kulangin sa blood supply ang bata sa sinapupunan niya, o magkaroon siya ng fetal distress or worse miscarriage.

Which, what happened to her... today.

This news is the heaviest blow in my soul that this day has given me.

Parang hinihigop ang puso ko sa kawalan, ano pa ba ang dapat kong maramdaman ngayong araw na ito?

I couldn't speak of anything after I hear everything from her doctor. Para akong nata-tanga sa nangyayari ngayong araw na ito.

Everything just made sense now.

Her cravings, that one time I witnessed her morning sickness, her unstable mood swings.

She was three months pregnant.

Three months, that was way back before her birthday.

It was... it was that one time.

Every strength I had in my gut, left me.

Napaupo na lang ako sa silya na katabi ng kama ni Maxene.

Pakiramdam ko binagsakan ako ng langit at lupa.

Bakit kung kailan nalaman ko, huli na?

"I'll just come back later." Paalam ng doktor niya sa akin. Ni hindi ko na nakita kung paano siya umalis ng kwarto dahil hindi ko maalis ang mga mata ko kay Maxene.

I remember her face earlier when she kissed me, when she held my hand when she embraced me.

Earlier, she's giving me hints already.

Knowing her, I know she wants to make today special because she's the only one who knows what today is... she planned everything that has to happen today for me...

Tama ba ako Max?

She is about to tell me today, but I messed up again. I fucked up and everything all at once fell in front of me.

Gusto kong matawa, para akong masisiraan ng bait sa nangyayari sa buhay ko ngayon. Kusang bumuhos ang luha ko sa harapan niya. Hinawakan ang kamay niya at paulit-ulit na hinalikan ito.

"Why didn't you tell me this sooner?" I uttered, holding my voice together from falling apart.

Sana nalaman ko agad para naprotektahan kita sa kagaguhan ko.

Is this my punishment for everything I've done in the past?

Ito na ba ang karma ko?

I couldn't help being disappointed in myself. I failed her.

"Please Mine..." I plead for her mercy. "Please, forgive me, give me one last chance... This time I'll make it right..." I sob helplessly holding her hand tightly. After everything that has happened today, I can't lose you too.

Please... Come back to me...

Hindi ko namalayan kung ilang oras na ang nakalipas pero hindi ako umalis sa tabi niya hanggang sa nagkaroon siya ng malay.

"Maxene." My voice was hopeful as I greeted her, "How are you feeling?" My voice sounds friendly holding her hand, but she weakly takes it away from me as if waking up with my hand intertwined with hers is a nightmare.

I gulped as I fixed myself in front of her, but she barely looked at me. The light in her eyes was gone. My guilt eats me from the inside out.

"Anyway, may gusto ka bang kainin?" I asked but she didn't respond. "You skipped breakfast, are you hungry?" I tried again but she said nothing.

I'm not giving up.

"Masama kang nagugutom." I humored her but she's not showing any expression as if hearing my voice displeases her.

"Maxene..." My voice almost left me seeing this invisible wall between us, she's pushing me away.

If you don't want to look at me, at least, please talk to me.

May pumasok na nurse para icheck ang vitals niya. Kinamusta siya ng nurse at inasikaso siya.

"May pasyente lang si Doc na pinuntahan, pero ibibilin ko na gising ka na." Sabi sa kanya ng nurse na pumasok.

"Can I ask you a favor?" Maxene asked the nurse with a soft voice.

"Sure, ano po iyon?"

"Would you please call my parents?" Her voice is cold but she puts up a weak smile to face the friendly nurse.

"Ah, sige po, don't worry." Napatingin siya sa gawi ko na parang naguguluhan, hindi naman niya alam ang number ng parents ni Maxene.

I stand as I face her with a friendly face attempting to approach her, but before I could speak up, Maxene already filled in the nurse's question in her head.

"I'll call them right away po." Umalis na ang nurse at muling nagkaroon ng katahimikan sa pagitan namin.

Para akong invisible sa mga mata niya.

Ang lapit niya sa akin, pero hindi ko siya maabot, ni ang hawakan siya, ayaw niya. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagkamuhi niya sa akin at hindi ko siya masisi dahil ang gago ko lang talaga. Pero kung ayaw niya akong kausapin, hindi ko siya pipilitin pero hindi iyon sapat na dahilan para umalis ako sa tabi niya.

Ilang oras pa ang lumipas at dumating na rin ang parents niya.

"What happened to her, Travis?" Si Tito Ben. Ni hindi ko alam kung paano ako sasagot, dahil hindi ko rin naman alam kung paano magsisimula.

Tama ba na sa akin manggaling?

"Maxene, anong nangyari sa iyo?" That's her mom who is now talking to her. "Inatake ka ba ulit?" Maxene lightly shakes her head saying nothing. Her mom caresses her face but her expression didn't change.

Sakto naman na dumating yung doktor niya, "Mrs. Campbell." bati niya sa mommy ni Maxene.

"Doc, what happened to my daughter?" Muling tanong ng mommy niya sa doctor, "Inatake ba ulit ang anak ko?"

"Hindi naman po sa ganoon, Mrs. Campbell." Sagot ng doctor niya sa mommy ni Maxene at napatingin sa gawi ni Maxene.

"Kung ganoon, bakit siya na-admit dito ulit? Ano ang nangyari?" Hindi mapakaling tanong ng mommy ni Maxene sa doctor.

"Miranda, calm down." Pag-alalay ni Tito Ben sa asawa niya.

I see how Maxene gave her doctor a light nod as if she's giving the doctor her go signal to whatever her parents have to know about her condition.

Napansin ko rin na nakita iyon ni Tito Ben at muling humarap sa doctor ni Maxene.

"Doc, please tell us what happened to Maxene." kalmadong tanong ni Tito Ben sa doctor.

Nagsimula ng ipaliwanag ng doktor ang nangyari kay Maxene. Mula sa naging aksidente sa hagdan kanina, na naging dahilan kung bakit nalaglag yung batang dinadala niya ng tatlong buwan. Pati yung ilang beses na siyang nagkaroon ng mild attacks, dahil sa stress, na hindi kailanman ipinaalam sa akin ni Maxene.

Habang nagpapaliwanag yung doktor, ramdam ko ang matalim na tingin sa akin ng mommy niya, malamang pati so Tito Ben, galit na galit na sa akin ngayon.

Hindi ako makatingin ng derecho sa kanila dahil wala akong nararamdaman ngayon kundi ang pagkamuhi at hiya sa sarili ko.

The bottomline of the conversation between the doctor and Maxene's parents was about her upcoming operation.

"I may want to settle things with my parents for a while Doc." mahinahong pakiusap ni Maxene bago pa man masimulan ang pag-uusap tungkol sa nalalapit niyang operation.

"Okay, I'll just drop by tomorrow, may pasyente pa ako sa kabilang ospital." Paalam ng doktor niya sa kanya at sa mga magulang niya.

Pagkalabas ng doktor, tatlong hakbang lang ang ginawa ng Mommy ni Maxene patungo sa akin at isang mabigat na sampal ang tinanggap ko mula sa kanya.

"How could you do this to my daughter, Travis?" Disappointment is obvious in her voice. "I trusted you. I thought that you knew better, but what is this?" 

Wala akong boses para masagot ang tanong niya sa akin.

"Ano na lang ang mangyayari kapag natuloy ang pagbubuntis niya?" Muling tanong sa akin ng Mommy ni Maxene, "Pinaalalahanan ko naman kayo na huwag kayong magpadalos dalos, pero ano ito?"

"Miranda." Mahinahong suway sa kanya ni Tito Ben.

"Kung sakali mang matuloy ang pagbubuntis ni Maxene, alam mo bang pwede niyang ikamatay iyon Travis? Balak mo ba siyang patayin?"

My jaw hardened as I convinced myself to face her mother. That assumption is wrong. I wouldn't do that to her. But realizing that this is the second time that because of me, she...

Muli kong naramdaman ang pagkamuhi sa sarili ko. No, it wasn't the second time, this is in fact the third time I messed up. Noong unang beses ko siyang nakitang inatake, kasalanan ko rin iyon. Noong isinugod siya sa ospital noong kinikita ko si Monique, kasalanan ko rin iyon.

Tapos yung kanina...

Tangina, kasalanan mo ang lahat Travis, gago ka talaga!

Her mother was right. Nanliliit ako sa sarili ko. Wala na akong ginawang tama, wala akong ginawa kundi saktan si Maxene ng paulit-ulit.

"You're such a disappointment Travis." She uttered in disgust as I noticed Tito Ben looking at me impassively.

"Mom." That's Maxene calling her mother. Nilingon siya ng mommy niya at nilapitan.

"I'm sorry if this happened Maxene." That's her crying voice in front of her daughter. She held her hand and kissed it in front of her. "Magpagaling ka na muna at pagkatapos ay uuwi ka muna sa atin."

"If I had one wish, would you grant it?" She asks monotonously.

"Of course." She caressed her daughter's face, "Anything..."

"Mom... set me free."

Anong ibig niyang sabihin doon?

"Maxene..." Her mother's voice falters as I notice how she removes the ring I gave her.

My heart just fell in front of me.

Is... Is this her resolve?

"Maxene." Agad ko siyang nilapitan at nakikiusap na huwag niyang tangkain na isoli sa akin ang ibinigay ko sa kanya, "Please, let's talk about this." The last hope that I am clinging into, is fading away from me. I shake my head, as I gather the strength I have left, "Maxene, I love you."

She looks at me and I see nothing but her lifeless eyes, "I don't need to love you Travis, I just have to make it look real."

No... Not like this.

"Alam ko naman kung bakit mo sinasabi yan, galit ka sa akin at may karapatan kang magalit sa akin dahil nasaktan kita. Nagkamali ako, pero please, give me one last chance to make it right, kahit panghabang buhay kong pagbayaran ang pagkakamali ko sa iyo-" Inabot niya sa akin yung singsing pero umiling ako, "Maxene, you promised me..." I held her hand, "You promised me that you wouldn't let go of us..."

Mahigpit man ang pagkakahawak ko sa kamay niya, pero para akong nakahawak sa hangin.

Hindi ko na napigilan lumuha sa harapan niya, wala na akong pakialam kung makita ako ng mga magulang niya.

My throat went dry as every strength I have left fails me to stand strong in front of her. "Mine, please..." I bit my lip as I held on to her hand but she's not looking at me, "I love you. You're all I have..."

You said that you will accept everything from me.

You said that we're a team.

You promised me that I will never be alone anymore.

But why...

Why are you leaving me?

Para akong batang umiiyak sa harapan niya, "Mahal na mahal kita Maxene, pakiusap, huwag naman ganito."

"Pagod na ako Travis." She uttered monotonously.

"Kung ganoon, pabayaan mo ako ang maging lakas mo." She's drifting farther away from me. "Maxene... please... I'll do anything... for us... just don't let go."

Don't let go of me.

"There is no us anymore Travis."

Those words cause a stampede to fall in front of me.

Para akong nabingi sa sinabi niya sa akin.

Nararamdaman kong unti-unting dinudurog ang puso ko sa kung paano niya ako sagutin, sa kung paano niya ako harapin.

"Kung may isang bagay ka na magagawa para sa akin," She paused as she looks at me with coldness in her eyes. "Umalis ka na sa buhay ko."

"Paano kung ayoko?" I asked as if I'm picking up a fight with her, mas mabuti pang mag-away kami kaysa sa maghiwalay kami ng ganito, "Hindi ko kaya mawala ka sa akin Maxene."

"Then I'd rather die than to be with someone like you!" She faces me with all her wrath as her statement scares me remembering her face when she wants to end her life by jumping that cliff.

"Maxene." Suway sa kanya ng Daddy niya. "Don't you say words like that."

"Kung ipipilit pa po ninyo ang arrangement na ito, aba, hindi na rin ako magpapa-opera, pabayaan niyo na lang akong mamatay." Maxene warns her parents as if she's taking this route.

"Maxene." That's her mother's voice reprimanding her.

"You promised me Mom, we had an agreement. This charade worked and I made people believe that I'll marry this guy. This is the only selfish wish I wanted and I'm willing to trade my life into it." Her voice is stubborn.

"Magpapa-opera ka Maxene. This conversation is getting out of hand." Her mom dismisses her as she takes her hand away from me with disgust.

Maxene scoffed, "Nasabi mo ba kina Mom, yung muntikan kong pagtalon noon sa bangin, Travis?"

"What are you talking about?" Her mother asked with worry in her voice and I felt that everyone's eyes were on me.

"I attempted to end my life when Kenzo breaks-up with me, and that's because of you Mom, but then this guy messed up my suicide plan." she says as if I'm a stranger to her.

"Maxene..." disbelief is obvious in her mother's voice.

"I'm so sick and tired of this fucked up life. Pagkakamali lang naman po ako sa buhay ninyo, hindi ba?" She just snaps in front of the people around her. "Tama nga naman po kayo dati, bakit hindi niyo na lang ako ipinalaglag?" She says looking at her mother with disappointment.

"Maxene, that's enough." Suway ng daddy niya pero hindi siya nag paawat.

"I'm tired of being the good girl that everyone wants me to be. I'm tired of this rotten life I had. Sakal na sakal na ako! I don't know who am I anymore, lahat ng gusto ninyo, sinusunod ko. Maxene be like this. Maxene be like that. What the fuck am I? Can't I be my own person? Why do I feel like I owe my life to you Mom? I didn't even wished to be your daughter in the first place! Wala na akong ginawa kundi ang sundin ang lahat ng gusto ninyo pero kahit po ba minsan, natanong ninyo sa akin, kung ano ba talaga ang gusto ko?"

"Maxene... " Her mother's voice is apologetic.

"How many times should I endure this bullshit?" Her eyes were now crying but they're still lifeless.

"Why am I always the one who has to suffer? What did I do wrong to be punished like this? Gusto ko lang naman maging masaya, pero bakit, mahirap?" Nanghihinang sambit niya.

"Kung hindi lang din ako magiging malaya, bakit pa ako magpapaopera?" She says as if her life doesn't have value. "I just want to die."

The room filled with silence.

She's just centimeters away from me, but she's far beyond my reach.

Muling nagtugma ang mga mata namin na para bang inuutusan niya ako na palayain siya sa paghihirap niya.

'I'd rather die, than to be with you.'

'Pagod na ako Travis.'

'Umalis ka na sa buhay ko.'

How can I win a losing fight, if the person who I'm fighting for was the one suffering because of me?

I caused her nothing, but pain.

"Ito ba talaga ang gusto mo?" Pinutol ko ang katahimikan sa loob ng kwarto sa tanong ko na iyon sa kanya.

She gave me a light nod avoiding my gaze.

"If I let go, will you be happy?" I tried to smile even if there's a part of me that is about to fall apart.

She blinks, faces me and gives me a nod with an impassive face.

"Maipapangako mo ba na magpapa-opera ka, kapag pinalaya kita?"

Muli niya akong tinanguhan at umiwas ng tingin sa akin.

I can tell that she couldn't stand seeing my face, she just wanted me gone. While here I am, just making excuses to extend my remaining minutes with her.

"Maxene," I paused as I waited for her eyes to meet mine, she looked at me without light in her eyes, "I love you."

She scoffed, avoiding me again, "Love is not what we have," her voice is distant and cold, "It is just a phase." she speaks as if she regretted everything we had. As if her biggest regret is meeting me.

She despises me so much. She just wants me out of her life at this very moment.

"Maybe what we have is just a phase," I uttered humbly, but she's still ignoring me, "But that phase will always be my always." I put up a smile taking the ring beside her as I turned my back at her.

I pay my respects to her parents and I humbly apologize to everything that has happened today, even if they wouldn't forgive me and head towards the door. I left the hospital feeling empty.

Sumakay ako ng kotse nang mapansin ko yung cellphone ko na nasa tagiliran ng driver's seat na ngayon ay dead batt na, hindi ko ito napansin kanina dahil nagmamadali kong dinala si Maxene kanina sa ER.

Naiwan ko ito dito, kagabi?

Naabutan ko si Monique pagkauwi ko ng penthouse.

"Travis... I..." Hawak-hawak niya yung paper bag na nabitawan ni Maxene kanina. "Kamusta siya, anong nangyari?" May pag-aalala sa boses niya.

"Leave." my voice is monotonous. Kinuha ko sa kamay niya yung PT ni Maxene na sana ay ipapakita niya sa akin kanina.

"Travis, hindi ko alam." Monique says with guilt in her eyes, "I didn't know she's pregnant. I--I'm sorry."

I looked at her and scoffed, "Are you?"

She looks offended as she avoids my gaze.

I sighed and I let out a chuckle, "Wala na rin pala kami." Muli siyang napatingin sa akin na may pag-aalala sa mukha niya. "So, ano, pwede na tayo?" I tilted my head beside.

"But, you said you love her..."

I shrugged it off as I humor myself in front of her. "Well, all goes to your plan, right Moe?"

"Hindi ko ito ginusto Travis..." she shakes her head.

Bullshit!

Nilapitan ko siya habang umaatras siya palayo sa akin, pero nang salubungin ng dingding ang likuran niya, ikinulong ko siya sa harapan ko.

"But then, it happened." I said almost unkindly. I see fear in her eyes seeing me approaching her like this. "Simulan na lang natin yung naumpisahan natin, since sabi mo may nangyari naman sa atin kagabi." Pilyo kong sambit sa kanya.

"Travis, hindi ikaw ito, please kumalma ka muna." her voice starts to sound uncomfortable.

"We had fun, right?" I say mockingly, "Let's have more fun, what do you think, Moe?" She couldn't answer back as she attempted to slide away from me.

I pulled her close as I roughly took her lips.

"Travis." She's pushing me, but I'm not done with her, "Travis please stop!" I ignore her plea as I touch her roughly. I don't care if she cries, I don't care if she's scared. I don't care if she's hurting.

I don't give a fuck to what she feels. She started this, and I'm just returning the favor.

If the old 'me' sees 'me' right now, he'll probably punch me in the face for disrespecting Monique like this. That person wouldn't do anything to hurt the person he loved the most. But no matter how that person tells me to stop being harsh on Monique, the present me doesn't feel pity towards this one girl whom I cared about before.

Wala akong nararamdamang iba kundi pait, bigat at pagkasuklam sa babaeng kaharap ko ngayon.

Buong pwersa akong itinulak ni Monique at sinampal. I'm immune to it.

I scoffed as I faced her, "Anong karapatan mong saktan ako?"

She's now crying in front of me. Hindi ko namalayan na napunit ko na ang damit niya.

"This is not you." She shakes her head with fear in her eyes, "This is not my Travis."

"This is who I really am." malamig kong sagot sa kanya, "Hindi mo lang ako lubos na kinilala, at kailan pa ako naging sa iyo?" I laughed inconsiderately shaking my head in amusement as if she throw a stupid joke in front of my face. "I was never yours, iyon ang sinabi mo, hindi ba?"

"Travis..."

"Hindi mo ako kailanman nakita Monique. Hindi naman ako magiging si Laurenz sa mga mata mo. Kahit pa takpan ko ang mga mata mo at magkunwaring 'siya' ako, hindi pa rin iyon sapat." I was never enough for you. 

"Minahal kita, Moe, alam mo iyon. Lahat ginawa ko para sa iyo. Iginanti kita noong nasaktan ka, sinaktan ko ang kapatid ko dahil sa nagawa niya sa iyo," I brushed my hair from frustration, "Pero putangina, bakit mo ito nagawa sa akin Monique!?" I yelled at her, "Anong ginawa ko para ganito ang iganti mo sa akin?"

She shakes her head, "I'm sorry Travis... I'm very sorry..." her voice sounds submissive.

"Will your 'sorry' bring back my child?" I glared at her, "Will your 'sorry' bring back my Maxene?"

She shakes her head as she attempts to hold my hand but I shove her away.

"She's the only person who accepts me, for me. She accepted everything that makes me who I am. That I don't need to be anyone else for her, that just being me is enough for her. Yet because of what you've done, I lost everything. My everything!" gigil kong sumbat sa kanya. "Tell me Monique, masaya ka na ba? Masaya ka ba na iniwan na ako ni Maxene, dahil lang sa hindi mo matanggap na may iba akong minahal ng mas higit pa sa iyo?"

"Travis..."

"You took my friendship for granted, Monique. I should have cut ties with you back then." I glared at her.

"Pero mahal kita Travis, mula noon hanggang ngayon, maniwala ka sa akin."

"No. You just love yourself Monique." I dismissed her, shaking my head, "You're selfish. You just hate the idea that you'll have no one, that's why you keep clinging on me." She looks down as if she embarrassed herself in front of me.

"Kung tutuusin tama naman ang ginawa ni Laurenz noong hinahabol mo siya eh. Naalala mo ba iyon?" I scoffed and sees her looking at me regretfully with tears in her eyes.

"Humingi ka pa ng tulong sa akin, noon hindi ba?" Muli kong sumbat sa kanya. Masyado ko na siyang pinagbigyan. Inunawa ko siya, pero ganito ang naging resulta ng pakikipagkaibigan ko sa kanya. "You're still that same person Monique." I tell with disappointment.

"But I can change for you Travis, I can be better than her." She says crying helplessly. "Ako na lang ulit ang mahalin mo, Travis."

I look at her as a whole, "You. Are. Not. Maxene." I tell her as if I'm talking to a crying stranger. "Leave." my voice is monotonous as I turn my back from her. I didn't bother looking at her, I don't care about her feelings anymore.

"I'm so sorry Travis... I'm truly sorry. I really didn't mean any of this to happen, sayo at pati na rin kay Maxene."

Hindi ko na siya sinagot pa dahil para saan pa, nangyari na kung ano ang nangyari. That fact alone won't change anything. I hear her approaching the door until I hear it opening and closing behind me.

Muling tumahimik ang buong paligid ko.

Kinuha kong muli yung PT ni Max at tiningnan ito. Kung sa ibang pagkakataon ko ito nakita, ano kaya mararamdaman ko? Kinuha ko yung paper bag na nabitawan niya kanina at nakita mula sa blue envelope ang ilang ultrasound pictures na ginawa niya noong nasa tiyan pa niya yung baby namin.

Wala na yung baby namin.

Napansin kong may nakasulat sa likuran ng ultrasound pictures niya.

'Hello My name is Hope.'

Napangiti ako. So she already named our baby, 'Hope'. Pero hindi pa doon nagtatapos yung sinulat niya.

'I may be tiny, but I was made out of two big hearts.'

You never fail to humor me Maxene.

Natatawa ako, ngunit kusang lumuha na naman ang mata ko.

'See you in six months Papa, for now, let's celebrate your birthday, I love anything spicy like you and coffee too, I love you. <3'

Ang bigat na nararamdaman ko kanina, muling bumalik ng isang bagsakan.

Lahat ng sakit, na pinipilit kong balewalain kanina simula noong umalis ako sa kwarto ni Maxene, lahat ng iyon parang malaking alon na sumalubong sa akin.

Lunod na lunod ako, hindi ako makaahon. Nahihirapan akong huminga.

Humahagulgol na ata ako.

Pero hindi pa doon nagtatapos ang dapat sana ay regalo ni Maxene sa akin.

Nakita ko yung isang maliit na DVD na may nakalagay na 'Surprise Gift.'

Mukhang dapat in chronological order ko nabuksan ang regalo niya sa akin.

Pati ba naman ang pagbukas ko ng regalo niya sa akin, magulo?

"Travis dapat yung dvd muna, then tsaka ko ipapakita sa iyo yung PT at yung ultrasound, then we'll have cake!" I imagined her telling me with her hands on her waist. I imagined her face scolding me as the image of her fades like a nostalgic memory playing in my mind.

I inserted the DVD and played it.

This is her vlogs a week before today.

I watched it as if I was watching a wonderful movie that overwhelms me with every emotion she could give me from the start of the vlog, up until the end.

She tells me her pregnancy experience, her uncontrollable mood swings, her food cravings and she admits how much she loves me singing to her everytime she sleeps and waking up right next to me in the morning.

I couldn't help crying while laughing at her facial expressions. She's so lively filming herself.

The vlog reaches the climax telling me,

"To be honest I am afraid, I am afraid to disappoint you because this wasn't supposed to happen.

But Hope isn't a mistake.

I know that you've set our goals together, you'll be graduating soon and I'm so proud of you.

Sa totoo lang, nakakaramdam ako ng insecurity, hindi dahil kay Monique, pero dahil sa walang-wala ako sa kung ano na ang narating mo ngayon. Oo na, napaka competitive ko nga talaga.

I just want to be someone who you can be proud of someday too, that's why I'll pursue architecture, after I give birth to our child and after my operation."

She paused giggling, that alone is music to my ears.

"I know what happened isn't chronologically according to our plan, but hey, we'll be a family like you always wanted, napaaga nga lang."

Her statement pinches my soul as my eyes drown me with my own tears.

"I'll do my best for Hope, for you and for me. Kakayanin natin ito. Tayo pa ba?"

She smiles in front of the camera as if she's talking to me at this very moment.

She looks so perfect. She's beautiful. I approached the screen as I touched her face.

'I love you so much Maxene.'

I smile as she replies, saying the words that I know, I will never, ever hear from her again.

"I love you Mine, always... Happy birthday Travis."

My Dearest Maxene, 

I know to myself that I can't stop loving you. I love you, even if you said that you're tired of loving me.

You're the best thing that has happened to me. Yet because of me you're in a loop of pain that you didn't deserve.

I know that I don't deserve you. I love you, always. I'm sorry for everything.

Today is my birthday and I abhor today.
I wish today didn't happen.
For I lost my Maxene today,
As I lost Hope today.

Today drowns me in my own tears.
Today, a part of my soul died.
I hope today isn't my reality.
I hope today is just a dream.

If a phase is just a dream, then I don't want to wake up anymore.
For in that dream, she's with me,
In that dream I am alive
And in that dream, there was us.

You are love and you did nothing but loved me with your everything.
I am pain that brings you suffering and your never ending tears.
If because of me you're caged in pain, then I'll let you fly away.
I love loving you, even if it is painful, because you're worth my pain.