T R A V I S

I don't know why, but I am starting to be a stranger towards my own feelings.

I am the person closest to her, yet why can't I reach her?

Yet for some reason, no matter how I extend my arm to keep her close to me, it feels like it wasn't enough for me to reach her.

Ako lang ba ang nag-iisip nito? Kasi sa kanya parang wala lang.

Kung tutuusin, magkatabi lang naman kami tulad ng nakasanayan, pero sa ibang tao siya nakatingin.

Aliw na aliw siyang kausap ang taong iyon. Kahit na hindi nakakatawa ang mga banat niya, natatawa siya.

Kung titingnan, napakakumportable niyang kinakausap ang taong minsan niyang kina-inisan.

In her eyes, talking to him lights up her mood.

In her eyes she's happy to see him as if they haven't talked in days.

Nakikita pa ba niya ako?

Nasa bar na kami dahil na rin nagyaya si Gerard kanina. Isinama niya si Edielyn at natuwa naman si Maxene makita na may iba pang babae sa grupo. Hindi naman maipinta ang mukha ni Joshua dahil wala siyang date.

Tinignan ko naman yung katabi niya na masayang nakikipag-usap kay Maxene na para bang may sarili silang mundo; na parang sila lang ang nagkakaintindihan.

I'm starting to drown in a quicksand.

Iniwas ko ang tingin ko dahil kailangan ko ibalin ang atensyon ko sa ibang lugar.

Nang dumating na ang inorder namin na food and drinks, inabutan ko si Maxene ng alak, alam ko naman na gusto niyang uminom, ayos lang naman sa akin dahil Friday naman at pagkatapos namin makihalubilo sa mga 'to, dederecho rin naman kami sa condo niya. Hindi ko rin naman pababayaan na malasing siya, mamaya kasi mapaano siya.

"Uhmm..." She looks at me with uncertainty whether she's going to take the drink from me or not.

"I believe that is mine." Kaswal na sambit ni Pierre at kinuha mula sa kamay ko ang baso na dapat ibibigay ko kay Maxene. Nakita ko naman kung paano nakahinga si Maxene ng maluwag. 

Ignore it.

Pierre raises his hand as the waiter takes his order, he looks at Maxene with a small smile as if they're having this conversation with their mind.

"Blended juice," he looks at Maxene, "Four seasons?" He verified and I saw how she gave him a friendly nod. Binalikan ni Pierre yung waiter, "Do you have anything spicy that we can chew on?"

"Meron po kaming Red Bull chicken wings, chili mac and cheese, Sriracha & egg avocado Burrito-"

"Great. You know your menu." Pierre cuts the waiter off and looks at Maxene raising her an eyebrow.

"Okay na ako sa chicken wings," She tells the waiter, "Oh, if you have french fries, I would love to have one." She added.

"Be sure na crunchy yung fries," Pierre reminded the waiter, "Maselan ang babaeng 'yan." He grins at her and the waiter walks away taking their follow up order.

Maxene hissed rolling her eyes at him.

"Spoiled." He teased her.

"Whatever." She answered back shaking her head with a smile.

I don't like what I am seeing.

Bakit kung maka-asta si Pierre parang siya ang boyfriend ni Maxene?

Dati hindi naman ganyan ang pakikitungo ni Maxene kay Pierre, pero bakit ngayon, parang may nag-iba?

Ano pa ang alam ni Pierre na hindi ko alam kay Maxene tungkol sa gusto at ayaw niyang pagkain at inumin?

Goddamnit, am I this shallow?

I am literally having this argument in my head convincing myself that I am just overthinking this.

I took a deep breath and calmed myself down.

I have to set aside these irrational feelings.

I should fix myself before I could do something that I know I'll regret later.

Don't you snap Travis. 

Don't let your emotions get over you.

Napansin ko naman na nakatingin si Edielyn sa gawi ko na para bang inoobserbahan niya ako. I raised my cup at her and gave her a friendly smile para hindi naman awkward.

"So ano, BFF's na kayo ni P?" Tanong ni Joshua kay Maxene.

"Bakit mo naman nasabi 'yan Josh?" Hirit sa kanya ni Pierre. "Don't tell me selos ka?"

That statement suddenly twists the knot inside my chest.

Be cool Travis, hindi naman ikaw ang kausap, si Joshua naman.

"Hey Josh, umayos ka nga," Maxene seconded, "Wala kang karapatang magselos, noh."

I gulped and gritted my teeth.

Calm down. They're not talking about you Travis.

"Eh kasi pakiramdam ko may favoritism ka, noong una, close pala kayo ni Gerard, tapos naging boyfriend mo si Travis, tapos ngayon BFF's kayo nito ni Pierre, pero sa akin... Pakiramdam ko hindi pa tayo ganun ka-close." Pagtatampo ni Joshua kay Maxene kuno.

"Ayoko, gagawin mo lang akong trophy girl space friend mo." Pagmamaldita niya sa lalaki.

"Sapul." Gerard teased.

"Therefore, Joshua, ikaw na ang olats ng grupo." Panunukso ni Pierre na dahilan kung bakit nagmamaktol na naman si Joshua.

"Pinagtitripan ninyo ako, kainis." He muttered like a kid.

Natuloy lang ang kwentuhan sa pagitan nilang lahat, pwera sa akin.

I am starting to feel like a stranger around the people around me.

"Hey, you okay?" Pabulong na tanong sa akin ni Maxene. 

"Yeah." Matipid kong sagot at nginitian siya.

"Bakit ang tahimik mo?" She looks at me curiously, her reaction tells me that she's not aware of what is happening between us.

"I'm just tired at school." I made up an excuse. Since that is the reason I told her, I'm expecting her to tell them that we'll take our leave.

Kanina ko pa kasing gusto umalis pero, "Minsan lang naman natin makasama ang friends mo, kaya sila nagtatampo sa'yo eh." She teased sheepishly.

Endure your bullshit Travis.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong isagot sa kanya kaya nginitian ko na lang siya. Kaagad ding umiwas ang tingin niya sa akin dahil dumating na ang inorder ni Pierre para sa kanya.

"Woah, penge!" Kukuha sana si Joshua ng isang chicken wing pero pinigilan siya ni Pierre.

"Si Maxene muna ang kukuha pre."

"Tch, dinaig mo pa si Travis kung makabantay kay Max, P. Hihingi lang naman ako ng chicken."

Miski nga ang ungas na si Joshua napansin iyon.

"My point is, nakareserba na iyan sa kanya, tapos kukunin mo pa." Natatawang kumento ni Pierre kay Joshua.

I'm just beside her, drinking and I cross my arms.

"Grabe naman makapaghigpit 'to," Suway ni Maxene kay Pierre at inabutan si Joshua sa isang plato ng tatlong chicken wings. "Oh, ayan."

"Bakit tatlo?" Nakangising tanong ni Joshua kay Maxene, "I love you, ba ang ibig sabihin nito?"

"Hindi," Maxene paused, "Huwag kang assuming." She nodded, "Iyon ang ibig sabihin niyan."

I literally just pinched myself.

Bakit ba apektado ka Travis, eh hindi naman ikaw yung kausap?

Tangina, ikaw lang ata ang gumagawa ng ikakasakit ng ulo mo.

Mas mabuting kung uubusin na lang ng anay yung nararamdaman ko sa dibdib ko kaysa sa pakiramdam ko sasabog na naman ako.

Fuck this!

Tinawanan naman ni Pierre at Gerard si Joshua dahil sa banat sa kanya ni Maxene.

Ako lang ang hindi natatawa kaya ngingitian ko na lang sila.

"Ang mean mo naman Maxene." Muling hirit sa kanya ni Joshua

She just made a smug face. Edielyn stands and excused herself.

"Saan ka punta baby?" Tanong ni Gerard.

"Restroom lang." Sagot ni Edielyn kay Gerard.

"Samahan na kita Edie." Maxene looks at me with a smile so I just smiled back at her.

Nang makaalis na yung dalawang babae, muling humirit na naman si Joshua habang nanguya ng chicken wings na binigay sa kanya ni Maxene.

"Weird ng mga babae noh?" He paused, "Mag babanyo lang kailangan pa ng kasama."

Napailing na lang si Gerard sa kanya.

"Kung anu-ano lang ang iniisip mo Joshua," Sagot sa kanya ni Pierre, na napatingin sa gawi ko at ngumisi, "Ika nga ni Maxene, huwag puro tamang hinala."

He chuckled after he noticed that he got my attention.

Binalikan niya ulit ng tingin si Joshua, "Kaya malayo ang loob niya sayo kasi puro ka assume."

"Eh, hindi naman mag-aassume kung walang dahilan, hindi ba?" Kumento ko na dapat sa utak ko lang.

I saw the two of them agreeing with me, except him.

"Tama nga naman si Travis, dude," pag sang-ayon ni Joshua, "Nagpapaka-good boy naman ako sa kanya para maging friends kami, pero hindi ko alam kung bakit sa ating apat, ako lang ata ang hindi niya trip kasama."

"Edi tanungin mo siya." Muling sagot ni Pierre sa kaibigan pero sa akin siya nakatingin.

"Sinusubukan naman niyang magtanong, pero hindi rin naman siya nabibigyan ng maayos na sagot, so paano niya iyon lilinawin sa kanya?" Muling depensa ko para kay Joshua.

"Para namang hindi mo kilala si Maxene," banat pabalik sa akin ni Pierre na dahilan kung bakit nanikip na naman ang dibdib ko, "Ang babaeng tulad ni Maxene, mahirap makuha ang loob, kaya dapat pinagsisikapan iyon at pinagtiyatyagaan."

He shakes his head as if he's disappointed at me.

"Nasabi nga din ni Gerard, ang isang bagay na madali mong nakuha," he paused and meets my gaze again with a smirk on his face, "Madali ring mawawala sa iyo."

I'm trying to read between the lines as I control myself around them.

Lalo na sa kanya.

What's your play, Pierre?

Muli niyang binalikan ng tingin si Joshua, "Kaya kung gusto mong maging friends kayo ni Maxene, pagsumikapan mo Josh, parang panliligaw lang iyan kay Addy." 

"Ano namang ibig sabihin noon dude?" Gulong-gulong tanong ni Joshua kay Pierre, "Iba ang sitwasyon sa pagitan ni Addy at Maxene, noh!"

"Joshua has a good point," I paused as I meet his gaze, "Courting is different from making friends, kasi wala namang malisya ang pakikipagkaibigan. Hindi naman required sa magkaibigan na laging magkasama, kaya bakit niya kailangan suyuin si Maxene?"

Kumunot ang noo ni Pierre at ngumisi na parang nakakaloko sa harapan ko.

"Si Joshua pa ba ang pinag-uusapan natin dito...Travis?"

The three of them looked at me, observing my reaction.

So that's his play.

In the end, nagawa niya akong pahiyain.

Scheisse! [Shit!] Tangina niya!

Stop Travis, you're getting a little agitated.

Control your temper.

Pilit ko na lang nginitian si Pierre at napailing.

"Travis, dude, you cool?" Tanong ni Gerard. Masyado ata akong halata.

I shrugged uninterestedly, diverting their attention. "Pagod lang ako sa school."

"Sabi naman kasi sayo, you can make your life easier." Muling hirit ni Pierre, "Pera lang naman ang katapat ng tao, tsaka, afford mo naman."

Kanina pa ako minamaliit ng gagong ito! Baka mandilim ang paningin ko masapak ko siya!

I need to steam some heat because I am at my fucking limit already.

I let out a laugh like I heard a joke from him and stood up.

"Oh, saan ka pupunta Travis?" Boses ni Joshua.

"Restroom." 

M A X E N E

When Edielyn and I had a short talk in the restroom, she made me realize something I may have overlooked the past few days.

It's true that I was able to find a good company around Pierre, yet because of that, I may have neglected Travis and our relationship.

Travis has been quiet ever since I can't remember.

Bihira siyang magkwento, kapag magkasama kami, parang normal lang naman sa akin dahil naging routine na namin ang magslesleep over siya sa condo kada weekends.

As much as possible I just want him to relax around me since masyadong stressful ang law school.

Alam ko namang mahirap ang course niya kaya hangga't maaari iniiwasan kong bigyan siya ng ikakasakit ng ulo niya. Kahit pa minsan nakakahiyang nakita niya akong magmaktol ng parang bata dahil lang sa pagkain.

Anong gagawin ko, eh hindi ko rin naman minsan mapigilan ang sarili ko? Ang hirap maging babae, minsan pati sarili ko hindi ko na kilala.

Sa school pa nga lang ni Yna nahihirapan na siya ipasa ang course niya, what more sa school na pinapasukan ni Travis?

To think na mataas ang standard sa university na iyon, kaya imposible naman na madali lang iyon para kay Travis.

Eh ano ba namang alam ko, eh hindi pa nga ako college. Ayoko naman magmarunong.

Matapos na makita ko yung report card niya dati na failed ang ilang subjects niya, hindi ko na ulit nakita ang latest report card niya.

Kung totoo man na nakakabawi siya sa school, edi mabuti. As much as possible I don't want him to lose focus in school. Kaya nga hindi ko na rin siya gaano iniistorbo kapag weekdays, kasi may weekends naman kami.

Lalo na at alam kong malaking factor na dahil sa akin, kaya bumagsak siya sa school.

Ayokong isawalang bahala niya ang school dahil lang sa pag-aalaga niya sa akin.

Dahil lang sa may sakit ako.

Dahil lang sa susunod na taon, magpapa-opera na ako.

As much as possible ayoko namang maging hadlang sa kanya, ayokong maging pabigat sa kanya.

Kaya nililibang ko ang sarili ko sa ibang bagay at ang mga pagsama-sama ko kay Pierre kapag vacant niya.

Kahit naman pa paano ikinatutuwa ko iyon. Lalo na at muli ko siyang kinikilala matapos nang napagkwentuhan namin noong debut ko.

Pero ang malaman mula kay Edielyn ang nagiging epekto nito kay Travis; sa school, sa paligid niya at sa sarili niya...

I feel nothing but guilt.

"He's tough." Matipid na kumento ni Edielyn. "Nagbibingi bingihan siya sa naririnig niya sa ibang tao, pero kapag siya na lang ang mag isa, tulala siya na para bang ang lalim ng iniisip niya."

I couldn't help but bite my lip.

"You're his girlfriend, you should be the first to see him through his eyes."

I should know better.

"Kulang na lang maging manhid siya sa paligid niya."

What am I doing to him?

"Tapos makikita niya harap-harapan na parang mas close ka pa sa kaibigan niya," Edielyn paused, "To think na katabi ka lang niya. Kung ikaw, siya anong mararamdaman mo Maxene?"

Sa totoo lang, wala akong masabi kay Edielyn, alam kong hindi pa kami ganun ka-close para i-real talk niya ako ng ganito.

But, I really appreciated it though.

I admit that I'm a bit careless these past few days.

Sarili ko lang ang iniisip ko.

"Nasabi mo na ba sa kanya?" She asked, looking at me with worry.

Para akong naubusan ng boses para sagutin ang katanungan niya, sa ngayon ang tanging iniisip ko lang ay kung paano susuyuin si Travis.

We really need to talk.

"Alam kong wala akong karapatan para panghimasukan ang relasyon ninyong dalawa, gusto ko lang ikaw tapikin sa balikat." She paused meeting my eyes with a friendly smile.

"Salamat Edie."

"I don't even know how to say this, but," She paused hesitantly, "Off ako kay Pierre."

I smiled at her, "Ganyan rin ako noong una. Pero mabait naman siyang tao."

"I just got the feeling that I can't trust him." She says with honesty, "Nagawa nga niyang ideny sa harapan ng mga kaibigan niya na siya ang umalalay sa akin noong nahimatay ka. Para bang ibang nag-iba ang paningin ko sa kanya matapos noon."

I just smiled at her.

"To think na kaibigan niya pala si Travis, edi sana tinawagan manlang niya yung kaibigan niya para sabihin yung kalagayan mo noong araw na iyon, hindi ba?" Her voice is almost insisting.

"He just knows Travis better," I don't know why I defended Pierre, "I don't know how I could make you understand, but he means no ill towards his friend."

Edie shakes her head, her face is obviously disagreeing with me. "Sana nga tama ka Maxene."

Pagkalabas namin ng restroom naabutan namin yung tatlo na nagiinuman.

"Nasaan si Travis?" I asked them.

"Sabi niya nag-restroom lang siya." Sagot sa akin ni Gerard.

"Don't worry too much Maxene, babalik din iyon." Dagdag ni Joshua.

Ilang minuto pa ang nakalipas, pero hindi pa nabalik si Travis.

I'm worried.

I glanced at Edie and she gave me a 'told you so' look shrugging her shoulders.

"I'll just go check kung nasa restroom nga siya." I excused myself standing up.

"Ako na lang," Sambit ni Pierre, "Don't stress yourself too much."

Alam ko naman na inaalalayan niya lang ako, pero dahil sa naging usapan namin ni Edielyn kanina, hindi ko maiwasan na bigyan ng malisya ang sobrang pag-aalaga sa akin ni Pierre.

Kasi kung ganun ang nakikita ng ibang tao, ano pa kaya ang epekto noon kay Travis?

Without a doubt, Travis would just keep everything in.

"Wala siya sa restroom." Sambit ni Pierre nang makabalik siya sa booth namin.

Sinubukan ko siyang tawagan pero hindi naman siya nasagot.

"Ano iyon, iniwan ka ni Travis, Maxene?" Hirit ni Joshua na natatawa, lasing na ata siya.

Baka nauna na sa condo si Travis.

"Uuwi na ako, masyado na rin palang gabi." I excused myself but Pierre stopped me holding my wrist.

"Ihahatid na kita." He stands.

"Kaya ko naman." I give him a friendly smile.

"I insist Angel," He says, almost comforting me, "You don't want him to worry, right?"

In the end pumayag akong ihatid ni Pierre sa condo ko.

"Salamat, Azael." I tell him as I bid him goodbye.

Hindi na rin naman siya nagtagal sa tapat ng condo building ko dahil masyado ng late.

Nang pumasok ako sa unit ko, laking pagtataka ko na walang Travis na naghihintay sa akin sa loob. Tinanong ko pa si Natasha kung dumaan siya, pero hindi naman daw.

I tried calling him again, but this time, he turned off his phone.

Hindi pwede ito.

Umalis rin ako kaagad, tumawag ako ng cab at dumerecho sa penthouse niya, kahit gabi na kailangan ko siyang makausap.

Nang buksan ko ang pintuan ng penthouse niya, madilim ang paligid at tanging buwan lang sa full glass window niya lang ang ang nagsisilbing liwanag nito.

Parang kailan lang at dito ako umuuwi pero ang laki ng pinagbago ng penthouse niya, hindi ko alam kung ganito na siya kagulo o sadyang hindi niya lang naaayos ang paligid niya.

Binuksan ko ang ilaw sa may kitchen at nakitang may baso ng alak at iilang bote ang nasa counter top at ilang bakas ng yosi.

He never smoked when he was with me.

Pumasok ako sa kwarto niya at nakitang kung saan-saan na naman niya ihinagis yung damit niya, hindi naman siya usually ganito kagulo, not unless...

Bigla ko na naman narinig sa utak ko yung mga sinabi sa akin ni Edielyn kanina.

'Kulang na lang maging manhid siya sa paligid niya.'

That was him a long time ago.

'Kapag siya na lang ang mag isa, tulala siya na para bang ang lalim ng iniisip niya.'

Nakita ko ang maliit na liwanag na nanggagaling sa banyo niya, lumapit ako at narinig na nasa shower siya.

Binuksan ko ang pintuan ng banyo niya at nakita kong tahimik lang siya na nakatungo.

"Travis." I called him but he didn't answer. He's like a statue under the pouring rain.

I tried approaching him but it feels like he doesn't feel my presence around him. His eyes were closed.

Binuksan ko ang shower door niya at nakita kong inangat niya ang ulo niya, pero bago ko pa man siya mahawakan, iniwasan niya ako.

Kinuha niya ang towel at robe niya, at lumabas na rin kaagad ng banyo. Nilagpasan niya lang ako.

I went out of his bedroom and saw him pouring himself another drink.

His hair is still dripping wet. Ni hindi manlang niya pinunasan ang buhok niya ng maayos.

Parang wala siya sa sarili.

"Travis," I called him but he didn't look at me, "Please let's talk."

He says nothing and drinks.

I approached him and took a look on his face.

He is wearing one of his masks again.

"It's late," He uttered with a monotonous voice, "Ihahatid kita pabalik ng condo mo." Muli niya akong tinalikuran.

"It's weekends," I reminded him with a friendly tone, "Hindi ba usapan natin na-"

"I'm tired Maxene." He says impassively, "I'll just change then I'll drive you home."

Just like that he went straight to his bedroom. He is keeping this distance between us as if he's protecting himself from me.

Muli ko siyang sinundan sa loob ng kwarto niya at nakitang nagbibihis siya.

Kung saan na naman niya ihinagis yung gamit niya.

I don't know where to start, but I'm not letting this pass.

I embraced him from behind. Tightly. Not letting him go. I feel him flinched. His breathing starts to change. I still have that effect on him but he is holding himself back.

"Please let's talk." Pagsusumamo ko sa kanya.

"Hindi ka ba hinatid ni Pierre sa condo mo?" There's this tiny ray of bitterness in his voice.

"Travis..."

"Why are you even here Maxene?" His voice is cold.

Masama ang loob niya sa akin.

I faced him and looked into his eyes, but he looked down not facing me with an impassive face. I attempted to cup his face but he avoided my touch.

"Please let's talk." I pleaded, still he's avoiding me to touch him. Pushing me away. "Look at me Travis," I take his face using both of my hands and just like that his strength left him, "Look at me...please..." His hands were weak to push me away.

His bangs hide his eyes again.

I fix his hair and instead he faces me, he closes his eyes hiding himself away from me again.

He's hurting because of me.

I reached his lips but he resisted me.

I cried a tear.

I attempted to kiss him again, this time with a little force but he held my wrist stopping me. "No Max. Stop." He says weakly.

Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili kong humikbi sa harapan niya dahil pakiramdam ko pinipigilan niya ang sarili niyang ipakita sa akin ang saloobin niya.

He is shutting himself away from me.

"I love you." I tell him as I hold both of his hands tightly and put it on my face, "I love you, Mine."

This time, his eyes meet mine.

"I love you Travis." I repeat those words again.

His eyes soften, I almost see him opening up to me, yet he closes them again.

He chooses to take everything in.

"Please let's talk."

He shakes his head, "Not now." His voice is insecure.

Hindi ko ito pwede palampasin.

I faced him impatiently, "Kailan Travis, kung hindi ngayon, kailan? Kailan tayo pwedeng mag-usap?"

Hindi ko alam kung bakit mas pipiliin ko na lang na mag-away kami kaysa sa kimkimin niya ang nararamdaman niyang sama ng loob sa akin.

He pushes me away. "Ihahatid na kita pabalik Maxene, kailangan mong magpahinga."

He turned his back on me again.

"Do you still love me Travis?" I asked him and he stopped pacing.

He took something from his pocket, approached me and handed the familiar object that I am missing for days.

It's my red bracelet.

He looks at me with disbelief. "I wanted to ask you the same question."

"Where did you-"

"Sa kotse ni Pierre." He answered before I could finish my question.

He is hiding his emotion with a blank face but his eyes are in pain.

He endured this for a long time.

"Travis..." I look at him dumbfounded. I don't even know where to start because I am the reason why he turned out like this.

"Weekdays, mas may oras ka sa kanya." He started with a low voice containing himself. "Weekends, kahati ko siya sa oras mo." He paused controlling his temper, yet his mask is slowly breaking in front of me. "Hindi ko alam pero pakiramdam ko kahati ko siya sa atensyon ng fiance ko... Bakit nakikihati ako?" He gulps bitterly brushing his hair with frustration.

"Travis..." My voice sounds submissive.

"Ako ang boyfriend mo, pero bakit ako ang nakikihati sa kanya? Bakit Max, bakit?" He just snapped as his voice echoes the room.

He is angry and he has every right to be.

I cried because I am at fault. It's my fault.

He takes a deep breath facing me with sadness in his eyes. "Kulang pa ba ako Maxene?"

I shake my head.

"Bakit pakiramdam ko nag-iba ka sa akin?"

I gulped. My voice left me.

"Did I do something to disappoint you?"

I shake my head and feel my eyes flooded with my own tears.

I approached him, cupped his face and saw pain in his eyes.

"Sobra na ba akong nakakasakal?"

I shake my head, "No Travis..."

He looked down as a tear fell from his eyes, his tears were heavy.

"Napapagod ka na ba sa akin?"

"NO." My voice just breaks and I kiss his lips.

"I love you." I kissed him again, "I love you Travis..."

His tears just keep falling from his eyes as I wipe it for him. He couldn't contain his emotions anymore.

"I'm supposed to be the person closest to you," he uttered weakly, "Bakit pakiramdam ko, hindi kita maabot? Pakiramdam ko ang layo-layo mo sa akin." His voice sounds defeated facing me with a forced smile.

Those words scares me.

I hold his hand tightly, locking with mine.

"I'm here, I'm not going anywhere." I kissed his hand repeatedly. "I'm here Travis."

He chuckled weakly looking at our hands together, "Hawak ko ang kamay mo, pero hindi ka naman sa akin nakatingin."

"Travis..."

"Tell me, am I still enough for you?" His confidence left him.

His question made me cry a tear again, "You are."

"Am I still allowed to be selfish?" His voice seeks validation as he looks into my eyes like a defeated child.

I nodded putting his hands on my face.

"Then you only have to look at me." He says as I feel the strength of his hands on my face, "Sa akin ka lang tumingin Maxene."

"Travis..."

He looks down, shaking his head. "Don't give me a reason to be this inadequate." His eyes meet mine again, "I am nothing without you." His voice breaks as tears fall from my cheeks.

His heart is speaking for him.

"I hated myself," He started, "Ayoko na maging katulad ng dati na sobra kung magselos, sobra kung magalit at sobra kung manakal sayo." He says shaking his head as if that version of him ashamed him.

I feel his forehead on mine as he brushes his thumb on my cheeks. His eyes were closed but his face expressed his feelings for him.

"I know my demons very well Maxene. They will always be a part of me. Yet I don't want them to be the reason why you might just leave me one day." He pauses opening his eyes meeting mine again, "Gusto kong magbago Max. Pilit kong binabago ang sarili ko para mas mapabuti para sayo. Pilit kong inaayos ang sarili ko, para mas maging karapat dapat para sayo."

His statement melts me as my eyes couldn't stop from crying. He is crying too and I wipe his tears as he pours his heart for me.

"Hindi ko na hahayaan ang sarili kong saktan ka. Iyon na ang una at huling beses na pababayaan mong saktan kita." His voice is solid and certain. "Hinding hindi na kita sasaktan Maxene." He says as if he is giving himself an ultimatum.

"Travis..."

He smiles weakly with tears in his eyes, "I'll be better." I touched his face wiping his tears away and he looked at me with warmth. "I'm trying my best to keep up, Max." He says kissing my hand repeatedly and he puts my hand on his face looking at me like a child. "I'll do my very best to be better... So please," He blinks and a tear falls from his eyes again, "Don't turn away from me."

I'm out of words as I take every emotion he has for me.

His heart is hurting for loving me this much.

"I love you, Mine..." I tell him with all my heart.

He smiles weakly and faces me filled with dedication and affection.

"Always Travis..." I run my thumb to his cheek.

"Always Mine." He said with warmth.

I take his lips gently as I kiss him with every beat of my heart. This kiss is different from the previous kisses we had.

We were both crying as we shared this kiss. We keep on wiping each other's tears as we share this kiss.

I can't stop myself from crying because I feel every emotion his heart has for me.

This kiss is painful, it is painful because we are stubborn. We either share this pain together than to let go.

Our love for each other is greater than the pain.

I just love him so much.

I can't let go. I will never let him go.

If he said that he's nothing without me, then I am not whole without him.

I missed him so much.

I missed his hand locking with mine.

I miss his touch and his warmth.

Tonight we made love as we mirror each other's rhythm. In his arms I feel serene, peaceful and safe. All I could hear is the melody of his heartbeat in sync with mine.

The tenderness of his touch fills me with cordiality, his kisses me filled with passion and I will take every emotion he has for me, in my heart.

"Maxene, I love you." His heart speaks for him as a tear falls from his eye.

I felt the weight of his tears, and kissed him filling his heart with all of my love, and uttered, "I love you, always, Mine."