M A X E N E

What is happiness?

Happiness is a feeling of contentment.

Contentment means that you don't wish for anything anymore.

Everything is enough.

Ano pa ba ang hihilingin ko, hindi naman ako ganon ka-greedy.

Travis and I are a team.

There's always room for improvement in our relationship. Hindi naman kasi kami perfect.

Hindi din kami nagsusumbatan at naglalamangan--Though scratch this, kasi gusto niya na lagi siyang mas nakakalamang sa akin. Let's just say that he spoils me too much.

He respects what I want. I respect his demands.

Hindi niya ako kailanman sinakal, pero lagi niya akong pinapaalalahanan sa tuwing hindi ko siya kasama, dahil hindi din naman lagi tugma ang schedules namin. As long as we keep each other posted, we have nothing to worry about. That is trust.

Everyday I can't help falling for him and I don't even know how he does that. Parang araw-araw niya akong pinapakilig.

There's this one day, it's nothing special yet he gave me flowers and chocolates. I asked him, "What's the occasion?" out of curiosity, but he just smiled and said nothing. Gusto niya lang daw ako bigyan ng regalo. That is consistency.

Sinong hindi matutuwa doon?

Then there's this one morning, where he tried to cook me breakfast, kahit hindi naman talaga siya marunong magluto.

He looks like a defeated child noong nakita kong sunog ang mga niluto niya, gusto niya lang ako hainan ng breakfast in bed pero hindi niya nagawa. That is effort.

Again, sino ang hindi kikiligin doon?

Kahit maraming nasayang na pagkain, hindi ko na nagawa pang mainis sa kanya, kasi sinamahan naman niya ako mamili ng supplies.

Hindi na rin nawawalan ng supplies ang kitchen niya, para daw hindi na ako lalabas sa tuwing nagugutom ako.

Kung tutuusin para na kaming mag-asawa. Come to think of it, he is in fact my fiance, so I should assume na papunta na din doon ang samahan namin, hindi ba? I do hope so.

I support him in his restless nights kapag may review siya. I make sure that he doesn't stay out of focus dahil hindi din naman madali ang course niya, kahit na minsan para-paraan din siya kung paano matatatak sa utak niya yung mga inaaral niya.

It's a funny memory to remember, because every time he answers the question correctly, I have to take off one clothing, kapag naman hindi, ibabalik ko yung tinanggal ko, which ticks him off for some reason. Oh well, that's the deal.

Natagalan man, pero natagumpayan naman niya masagutan ang questions na sinulat niya sa index card and the end is--yeah he got his reward.

Pilyong bata talaga.

When he was young, he wants to be a lawyer because he wants to help the weak. Typical selfless Travis. Kaya kahit daw mahirap ang law, tatapusin niya iyon kahit pa ilang beses siyang umulit.

His success is my success too.

Nagcelebrate kami nung nakapasa siya sa finals nila. So I can say na ilang sem na lang at makakagraduate na siya, then he'll take the bar exam para magka-title na siya.

Attorney Travis Joseph Hayes.

It really has a nice ring to it.

I'm so proud of my man.

Wala na akong mahihiling pa.

In a short span of time Travis just grows as a person. Though he's still that talented, mysterious, cautious, mischievous and smart person towards other people who don't know him well.

I'm still wondering kung kaibigan ba niya talaga sila Pierre kasi napipilitan siyang magmaskara kapag nakakasama niya ang mga taong iyon. I don't know why I said that, siguro dahil iba din siya kapag ako lang ang kasama niya.

We're currently at the bar with them catching up, kahit na yung huling beses na nakasama namin sila ay halos magsuntukan si Travis at Pierre. Pero parang hindi naman alam ni Joshua at Gerard ang nangyari na iyon. Iisang grupo sila pero may sari-sarili silang mundo.

"So kamusta naman Maxene, matagal ka rin namin hindi nakita." nakangiti ng tanong sa akin ni Gerard.

"Baka naman tinatago ka ni Travis sa amin, hindi namin alam na may pagka-possesive si Travis." pabirong banat naman ni Joshua sa akin.

Nakacross-arms ako pero ang kamay ni Travis nasa baywang ko na para bang naka-alalay siya sa akin. Ayaw na niya mangyari ulit yung nangyari dati at ganon din naman ako.

"Hindi naman." I answered. "May sarili din akong schedule. Hindi naman ako katulad ninyo na libre masyado." I rolled my eye on Joshua.

"Maganda ka Maxene, masungit ka lang." kumento ni Joshua pabalik sa akin na napakamot sa ulo niya at napansin ko naman na napangiti doon si Travis habang nainom siya ng beer.

"Hindi din naman ako easy to get." pagmamayabang ko sa kanila habang umiinom ng punch.

"Talaga ba?" tanong ni Pierre na hindi ko alam kung bakit kinilabutan ako sa tanong niyang iyon.

I felt Travis grip a little tighter, na parang sinasabi niya na kumalma ako.

"Oo naman." matipid kong sagot.

Natawa siya sa sagot ko, then he asked me a random question, "True or False, once upon a time, did you date a guy named Kenzo Mihara?"

What the fuck? How does he know that?

"No way, Maxene Campbell will date someone like that?" banat ni Josh kay Pierre, "Isang malaking joke iyon P."

"Kaya nga nagtatanong eh." Pierre looks at me, he's trying to get in my head again.

"False." I denied. I know I have to.

He looks pleased. "Baka nga chismis lang iyon, napaka-imposible naman na maging boyfriend mo ang isang basura tulad niya."

I hate this. Alam kong hindi ako dapat maapektuhan, pero ang pagsalitaan niya si Kenzo ng ganon, hindi ko mapigilan ang hindi mainis.

Umayos ako ng upo. This time I'm holding Travis's hand from behind with my left hand.

"Do you want to hear a story?" Panimula ni Pierre.

"Will I even bother listening?" Travis's hand sends me a signal that I should stop talking. Pero hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko.

Even if Kenzo is my ex, I don't want to speak ill of his name. It's true we broke up, our relationship reached it's impasse, but I still respect him as a person.

"Masyadong mayabang kasi si Mihara," Josh commented, "Kung alam niya ang lugar niya nung highschool edi sana tahimik ang buhay niya." he takes another drink and say, "Masyadong mainit ang dugo namin ni Pierre doon noon."

"Dapat kasi pinabayaan niyo na lang, alam niyo namang wala ding laban iyon sa atin, lalo na at nasa lower class siya." casual na side comment ni Gerard.

Parang kirot sa dibdib ko ang mga naririnig ko sa kanila.

"Well, for what's worth, it's in the past now." Tumayo si Travis at mukhang spending quality time with the boys ends here. Buti naman.

"Mauuna na kami, maaga pa ang shoot ni Max bukas." He lied at their faces and he holds my hand.

Pierre chuckled. "Aren't you afraid Travis?"

Bahagyang nilingon ni Travis si Pierre. "Of what?"

Pierre chuckled, amused by the reaction he sees from his friend, "Telling the truth to Maxene."

Pinagsasasabi nitong kutong-lupa na ito? I looked at Travis and sees the insecurity he's hiding in his eyes with a smile.

"Aalis na kami." He uttered as we took three steps away from the booth.

"Travis, hindi ba ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit na-expel sa school si Mihara dati?" My heart drops. "Do you remember how you set him up?"

Biglang lumuwag ang pagkakahawak ni Travis sa kamay ko hanggang sa tuluyan na siyang napabitaw.

"Ay talaga ba?" tanong ni Josh sa kaibigan.

"Hindi naman magagawa ni Travis iyon, P. Besides lahat ng evidences si Kenzo ang tinuturong dahilan kung bakit nasunog yung science lab noong highschool." sambit ni Gerard.

I'm looking at his back now, he's close but he's drifting away from me.

Pierre is lying, hindi ba? Tell me Travis.

Bakit ba sa tuwing makakasama namin ang mga ungas na ito, lalo na si Pierre, bakit pakiramdam ko nagiging masamang tao si Travis?

"Well, hindi naman talaga mawawala si Mihara noon, kung hindi dahil kay Travis." Pierre added. "It's true I want him gone, dahil isa siyang peste na masyadong nagmamagaling. Hindi niya alam ang lugar niya kaya naman lagi akong nakikipaglaro sa kanya, tanda mo pa ba iyon Travis?"

Travis didn't answer him back and what does Pierre mean by 'nakikipaglaro'?

"Ano pa ang sabi mo dati," Pierre paused, "Ah, 'if I want him gone for good, why not expel him in school instead?'" Pierre laughs as if it's a funny memory, "Naalala mo ba kung paano nasira ang buhay niya dati?"

It can't be. Tell me Travis, he's lying, hindi ba?

"Kabatch natin siya, pero dahil sa naexpel siya, hindi naging madali noong bumalik siya sa school ulit." natutuwang dagdag ni Pierre.

"Seriously Travis, nagawa mo talaga iyon?" Tanong ni Josh, "Hanga na talaga ako sayo dude. That's so smart. Kung hindi madadaan sa dahas, idaan sa batas."

I looked at Pierre and saw him looking at me with a triumphant smile on his face.

"Ano pa ba ang masasabi ko..." Travis speaks and turns to look at the boys. "Malinis naman ang naging trabaho, hindi ba?" He grins unkindly and there's nothing but coldness in his eyes.

This is not him. This is not my Travis.

"Idol ka talaga Travis." Joshua gives him a thumbs up.

My heart sinks. He just admits to my face that he is the real reason why Kenzo had a hard time in high school. Dahil iyon sa kanilang apat.

Naunang umalis si Travis sa akin nang hindi ako nililingon.

He didn't even take my hand.

I felt Pierre's arms around me, whispering, "You should thank me." I glared at him, "I told you he's not as good as you think, Maxene."

Inalis ko ang braso niya sa balikat ko at umalis na agad ng bar.

Hinanap ko si Travis, pero miski ang kotse niya wala na sa parking lot.

Did he just leave me?

Sumakay ako ng cab para umuwi sa penthouse, pero madilim pa ang paligid, so it means hindi pa siya nauwi?

I waited for him but he didn't come home. I tried calling him, but his phone is off. I can't help to worry.

Is this him running away from me?

Imbis na magpaliwanag siya, bigla na lang niya ako iniwasan.

What is he thinking?

Where are you Travis?

MORNING came.

Nagising na lang ako sa guest room, baka dinala niya ako dito noong nakatulog ako sa kakahintay sa kanya sa living room.

I tried running towards his bedroom, pero wala siya. Parang hindi siya natulog dito.

I tried calling him, hindi man nakapatay ang phone niya, pero pakiramdam ko, hindi niya talaga sinasagot ang tawag ko.

I waited the whole day, pero walang Travis na nagparamdam.

I sleep in his bedroom thinking that he might sleep next to me, pero nakatulog na ako at lahat, wala pa ring Travis. I even checked the guest room, but I don't think he slept here.

This is frustrating!

Where the hell is he?

THIS IS THE THIRD DAY day since he left me that night.

No calls, no texts, no Travis.

Hindi ako mapakali, nasaan na ba siya?

I heard the doorbell and I immediately answered the door.

I am surprised to see an unexpected visitor.

"Monique?" I know it's her, she's that same girl noong bumisita siya kay Travis sa hospital.

Yun nga lang parang ang laki ng pinagbago niya. Dahil na rin siguro nagpagupit siya ng buhok?

She gives me a shy smile, "I'm sorry, am I interfering with something?"

I shake my head and invited her in. "Come in."

"Hindi rin naman ako magtatagal, I just want to return his condo keys." She said. "Nandyan ba si Travis?"

May condo unit si Travis? Bakit? Hindi ko alam ang tungkol dito. Ano pa ba ang hindi ko alam tungkol sa kanya?

Inabot sa akin ni Monique ang susi. "Pakisabi, salamat sa pagtulong sa akin, hindi pa ako makakabayad sa utang ko, pero nakalista naman lahat iyon. Hindi naman ako nakakalimot sa utang." She smiled and when she's about to leave I stopped her.

"Bakit?" Gulat na tanong niya sa akin.

I'm desperate.

"Madami akong katanungan at dahil sa hindi ko makuha iyon sa kanya," I looked at her, "Sana matulungan mo akong makuha ang sagot sa'yo Monique."

"He wouldn't like that." Her hesitation is clear as day.

Bakit pakiramdam ko hindi ko pa lubos na kilala si Travis?

Bakit ba pinagkakait niya sa akin na malaman ang tungkol sa nakaraan niya?

"I disagree." I answered. "He's keeping all his shit on his own, alam kong may alam ka Monique." She start to look away. "Ilang araw na siyang hindi nauwi dito, nag-aalala na ako, please."

She looks at me with uncertainty.

"I just want to help him, ayokong dalhin niya lahat ng mag-isa." I couldn't hide the frustration in my voice anymore.

We're a team, but after that night, nag-solo na naman siya.

"Please Monique." My voice is desperate. She gradually turns around and faces me.

"He's lucky to have you." There's this bitterness in her voice, "I know ikagagalit niya kapag nagkausap tayo ng ganito, plus it is a little awkward since ikaw ang fiance niya."

"I'm desperate. I'm worried. Pero wala akong magawa kasi madami pa akong hindi alam," I paused, "Please Monique."

She gives me an awkward nod at pinapasok ko siya sa living room.

"I'm sure madami kang tanong, I'll try my best to help you." Panimula niya.

"Tell me, totoo bang siya ang dahilan kung bakit na-expel si Kenzo sa school dati?"

"How did you know Kenzo?" Gulat na tanong sa akin ni Monique. Nang tingnan niya ako, parang may naalala siya sa nakaraan na dahilan kung bakit parang mas lumaki ang hiya niya na harapin ako. "Ikaw yung dating sinabing girlfriend ni Kenzo, hindi ba?"

"How did you--"

"I was there noong nagtapat si Sarah sa kanya," She paused, "I set that up."

"You- you know Sarah?" I asked and she nods.

What a small world, talaga.

"Magkaibigan pa ba kayo?" She asked as if she's embarrassed of me. What does she meant by that? "This is awkward," She tries to force out a laugh, "Ngayon lang tayo nagkausap, pero pati pala sayo nagkasala ako."

"What do you mean?" I couldn't help but asked.

She looks at me awkwardly, "I was the reason why Sarah chooses to leave you, Maxene." Again my heart drops. "Madali kasing paikutin si Sarah at dahil sa madalas kaming nagkakasama sa school, I triggered her something in her, para tuluyan kayong masira."

"Why would you even do that to us?" Ni hindi naman niya ako kilala dati?

"It wasn't about you Maxene. I just hated her that much. I hated Sarah so much that I want her to be miserable in school." She admits with regret in her eyes.

"I was filled with envy towards her. She has good friends around her, hindi man maayos ang pamilya niya pero masaya siya, tapos miski ang lalaking gusto ko, siya ang minahal." She gulps bitterly.

"Monique." I am speechless. I can't judge her from her past because looking at her now, her whole face is filled with regrets.

"Feel free to hate me," She smiles weakly, "Kaya nga siguro nakakarma na ako ngayon." She avoids my gaze.

"People just make bad decisions, but that doesn't mean that they're bad." Tanging kumento ko para kahit pa paano ay mapagaan ko ang loob niya.

"To answer your question earlier," She pauses and looks at me, "Totoo. Si Travis ang nag set up kay Kenzo kaya siya na-expel sa school dati." She sighs in defeat, "That's just one of his sins."

"Anong ibig mong sabihin?" One of his sins.

"I don't know if I could say this to you Maxene," She looks away, "Masyado kang mahal ni Travis at ayokong ako ang maging dahilan kung bakit pati ikaw ay iiwan siya if you dig this topic deeper."

I took a deep breath and I faced her, "Are you saying that I can't handle it?"

She looks at me as if she's protecting him in her own way.

"Can you?" her question alone stirs the insecurity I'm silencing in my heart.

I gulped. I know I should ask, "Base on how you're looking at me right now, it feels like you love him in your own way, am I right?"

She looks away and gives out a weak smile. "I do. I do love him." She uttered almost in a whisper.

"Kung mahal mo siya, bakit mas pinili mong iwan siya?" I couldn't help to ask this question from her and for some reason her admission pierce something in my chest, it is like a needle that is slowly inflating a balloon.

"Maxene," She took a deep breath, "Since you're the present, hindi ka ba nalulunod sa kanya?"

I do, his love drowns me.

Monique smiled bitterly, "Sobra-sobrang magmahal si Travis, Maxene I believe alam mo iyon." She looks down, "Siya yung tipong kapag nagmahal, lahat isusugal niya para lang sayo. Lahat gagawin niya para sayo. He's that devoted."

I agree. She's right about that.

"Yes, I love Travis..." She gulps, remembering a painful memory, "Kung sana nagsabi lang siya ng totoo dati sa akin, baka tinanggap ko siya ng buong puso."

"What do you mean?"

"He lies too much Maxene. But he saved me from that lie." She said as if she's reopening a wound from her memory.

"Matapos akong iwan ni Laurenz at nalaman ko na nagpakamatay ang mother ko, hindi ko kinaya ang sunod-sunod na sakit na gusto ko na lang din mamatay noon, pero si Travis---" She shakes her head, "Just to save me, he pretended to be someone he's not that day, just to keep me sane."

So she was like me too.

"Nagkaroon ako ng false memory dahil doon. Inakala ko talaga si Laurenz ang nagligtas sa akin sa kamatayan ko noon. Kaya matapos noon, talagang sobra kong hinabol si Laurenz dahil sa pag-aakala na mahal niya ako. Lahat pa ginawa ko mawala lang ang pesteng si Sarah sa buhay ni Laurenz noon."

Hearing this, no wonder why Sarah had a hard time back then too. I couldn't help to feel sorry for her and that the reason behind that, was the girl in front of me.

"Naging desperada ako. Humingi pa ako ng tulong dati kay Travis dahil hindi ko kaya mawala si Laurenz sa akin. Pero nang isampal sa akin ni Laurenz ang katotohanan na hindi naman talaga niya ako minahal, nasaktan ako ng sobra, na halos ikamatay ko iyon sa sakit."

I remembered this story. Nakwento na ni Pierre sa akin ito.

"Because of the pain that has wounded me, he did something I didn't expect him to do." She continued.

I imagine how angry he was when he sees Monique heartbroken.

Masamang magalit si Travis, nakita ko na rin naman iyon.

At ang malaman na nasaktan ng ibang tao ang taong mahal niya noon-- lintik lang ang walang ganti, iyon ang sinabi ni Pierre dati sa akin.

Lahat gagawin niya para kay Monique noon.

"He uses Laurenz's weakness to get even. I can't imagine that he would go that far for me--"

"I heard this story," I cut her off, because all I see is a guilty helpless girl that wishes to turn back time to undo the mistakes she did. "Pierre told me about it. He said that almost destroyed that person, tama ba?"

Monique gives a weak nod.

"This is a painful story," I uttered dismissing this topic. I don't know how this information could help me find where he is, "Monique, as much as possible--"

"That's not the end of it Maxene." She cuts me, "I also destroyed Travis that day." She paused looking at me with full of regret, mostly pain, "I destroyed a part of him that day, na hanggang ngayon hindi ko alam kung maibabalik ko pa sa kanya iyon."

I don't know why hearing how heavy this is for Monique to bear, I couldn't ignore this as I think of how this affects Travis to who he is now.

"What do you mean by that Monique?" Maingat kong tanong at sinimulan na niya ikwento sa akin ang iniingat ingatang sikreto ni Travis.

This conversation I have with Monique is the real reason why Monique chooses to leave Travis.

My heart sinks after I heard everything from her, but still I'm hoping to hear this from him.

I want to hear his reasons.

If only he'd let me.

I want to understand him better. But can I do better? 

He did everything to keep Monique with him even if it means that he'll tell a thousand lies and carry all her sins alone with him.

He'll give up everything just for her, even if it costs him his very own heart. He loved her so much that he'll trade anything just for her.

Sobra-sobra na halos wala na siyang itira sa sarili niya.

Kahit pa ang kapalit ni Monique ay ang taong dapat ay ang pinaka mahalagang tao sa buhay niya.

I can say one thing, Travis is a fool.

He always finds his way to hide in the darkness because it was his company for a very long time.

It breaks my heart to see what he has become for the sake of loving her.

But I can't blame him, because from what I just heard from Monique, all Travis wants is to be recognized.

That he's not invisible.

He's all alone all this time.

He's one lost soul.

Matapos kami mag-usap ni Monique, todo ang pakiusap niya sa akin na sana huwag kong ipahalata kay Travis na nagkausap kami ng tungkol dito. Dahil ayaw na ayaw ni Travis na pinapangunahan siya. As much as possible, itatago niya ang hindi ko dapat malaman.

Kaya ba todo ang iwas niyang pag-usapan ang nakaraan niya dahil ganito kabigat ang tinatago niyang sikreto sa akin?

"If Travis knows that you knew...This will break him Maxene..." naalala kong paalala ni Monique sa akin. "Please don't ever leave him like I did, ikaw na lang ang meron siya, kung pati ikaw mawawala, hindi ko na alam kung sino pa ang tutulong kay Travis para maiahon siya sa sarili niyang impyerno."

Monique left and I am overwhelmed with everything I just learned about him.

Hindi ko mapigilan ang mga luha ko para sa kanya.

Kinakaya niyang magisa kahit nalulunod na siya.

Paano ko tutulungan ang isang taong magaling magpanggap na ayos lang siya?

Kikimkimin niya ang lahat para hindi ako mag-alala.

'Who will save you from your own hell?'

Minsan ko na iyon naitanong sa kanya, pero ang tanging sinabi niya lang sa akin ay hindi niya kailangan iyon.

Sinungaling.

How could he keep this from me?

Akala ba niya magagalit ako at iiwan ko siya tulad ng ginawa ni Monique sa kanya?

Iyon ba ang ikinakatakot niya kaya niya ako iniiwasan ng ilang araw?

Akala ba niya na kapag nalaman ko na siya ang nasa likod kung bakit na-expel si Kenzo noon ay dahil sa kagagawan niya? To think na parang puppet lang naman siya ni Pierre.

He plays to be the bad guy so that no one would worry for him.

He owns his demons even if they are destroying him.

Darkness is his only comfort, but it is also where he lost his heart.

It's painful knowing that he decides to carry this alone.

All this time he's been alone and I know how sad that is.

Why can't he trust me?

I tried calling him but again, his phone is off.

It's almost dark and I'm getting a little impatient.

I know that I can't wait for another day.