M A X E N E

I see him sleeping and I let him sleep.

I really didn't expect that he'd just flew across the country for him to see me and tell me how much he loves me. It's overwhelming.

I am a very, very spoiled woman and he is a very, very selfish man.

I couldn't help to cry now that he just poured his love on me. I know he's not yet whole and so am I, but here we are. We took a chance and who knows where this might take us but one thing is for sure, he chooses me as I choose him.

I love him. He loves me. That's more than enough.

I wouldn't ask anything much because for the first time in my life, a wish of mine has been granted.

I stood up and wore some clothes. As usual, we did sessions. He didn't stop until he drains himself on me, he doesn't stop calling my name, he doesn't stop saying how much he loves me.

Nalulunod ako Travis, pero buti na lang marunong akong lumangoy. Kung sinasabi mo na kulang pa ang mga naibigay mo para sa akin, nagkakamali ka, hindi naman tayo naglalamangan kasi para sa akin, sapat ka na.

You're more than enough for me.

I received a text from Peter, I couldn't help to feel a little sad kasi madami na silang napuntahan, sayang at hindi ako kasama. Kaya nga ako nagpunta dito para kahit papano makagala gala. Pero siguro ipagpapaliban ko na muna ang umalis ng hindi siya kasama.

I scroll down my phone and see that unknown number, whoever did this, I'm sure it was a set-up. Totoong nagpadaan ako sa galit at selos, but this is just a picture of him kissing Monique. Kirot sa dibdib ko, oo. Pero kung sino man ang nagsend sa akin nito, malas mo dahil kasama ko si Travis ngayon.

I erased the message and look back at him, I trust you Travis, I trust you faithfully. Kung ikaw nga inunawa ako, bakit ko naman ipagkakait sayo iyon?

Siguro nga nakaligtaan ko din ang naging insecurity ni Kenzo sa relasyon namin dati. Lagi niyang sinasabi na hindi niya ako maabot, kahit na ginagawan ko naman ng paraan para kahit papaano magkasama lang kami.

Am I that naive?

Ako lang ang adjust ng adjust dati dahil ayokong mag-adjust siya para sa akin. Come to think of it, kapag nagkakatampuhan kami laging ako ang lumalapit sa kanya ganoon ko na lang siya kamahal dati.

Nag-eeffort siya that's true, but not to the point that he'll just drop everything for me. Unlike Travis who just drops his class just to see me, who sacrifices his sleep just to find me that night when I decide to run away, who breaks himself just to prove how much I mean to him.

I know I shouldn't compare, but maybe that's the reason why I love Travis more than I love Kenzo.

I know in my heart I can't unlove Kenzo. He will be my first love forever, he is the reason why I changed to who I am now. The pain made me stronger and the stronger my love is, the better I could love Travis with the remains of my heart.

Maybe that's also what he felt for Monique.

I know I can't take that away from him even if I wanted to. Because before me, he only has her.

Kahit pa wala silang label hindi tulad namin ngayon; alam ko naman na minahal ni Travis si Monique ng sobra-sobra hanggang sa wala na siyang itira sa sarili niya.

It's true his love drowns me.

Sobra magmahal si Travis, sobra sobra na minsan naiiyak na lang ako kasi natatakot akong saktan siya.

I wouldn't dare hurt him, I wouldn't let him destroy himself for me as much as possible. I wanted to rebuild him to be the best version of himself.

It's true that in less than a year, nahulog ako sa kanya ng sobra. Sino ba namang hindi? Laking tanong ko na lang sa sarili ko talaga kung bakit hindi siya nagawa mahalin ni Monique pabalik.

I wanted to ask, but I know he won't tell me. I know that's another piece of him that I should collect, for me to understand him better. For me to protect himself from what hurts him.

I will protect his heart with all my love.

I couldn't help but smile as I look myself at the mirror, I know I've changed. I can say I like me better now, because his love for me changed me better.

That's what love is supposed to be, right?

Love makes out the best in you, not destroys you. If his love for Monique, destroyed him... I will make sure that his love for me will redeem himself.

Dapat pa ba ako matakot mahalin siya? Kung itataya niya ang lahat para sa akin, sasabayan ko siya.

I can't let just him do all the work, it takes two to tango.

"Maxene." He called me like he's singing my name again, gising na ata siya.

I approached him and fixed his hair, "Slept well?"

Ngumisi na naman siya ng nakakaloko, "We sure break a record today." for sure he's pertaining to our sessions earlier. Napailing na lang ako at nakitang nag-uunat siya. He sits down, embraces me and inhales my scent again. He really likes smelling me, para siyang pusa. Napaka-territorial niya. I read that cats push their face into yours so they mark you with their own scent to let others know you belong to them. Natawa ako bigla.

"What's funny?" he asked me with a curious soothing voice.

"Wala, naisip ko para kang pusa."

Napakunot ang noo niya, "I don't even like cats."

"Don't worry, they don't like you too." I put up a small grin. He put his hand on my cheek to turn and face him. Nilapat niya ang noo niya sa noo ko. Headbuts. Cattitude, short word for cat attitude.

"Bakit mo ako nacompare sa pusa, gusto ko malaman." his eyes were observing me.

I tried reasoning with him, "Cats usually mark their territory using their scent. They do head buts, they're mischievous, demanding, overbearing creatures..." I look at him and see that he's a little pissed now, yet he's amused to how I describe him as a cat. "Unlike dogs, they're independent but they're clingy at the same time."

He shakes his head as if he didn't accept the facts I just told him, "I think you're just making that up."

"Not really. But you know what, cats don't trust others. It takes time for them to trust you, cats will do anything to protect themselves." I tell him as I see that familiar ghost smile on his face, "There's this one time that I fed a stray cat and it scratches me." pinakita ko sa kanya yung sugat ko sa kamay, "This just happened recently when I first got here in Japan, it's a kitten actually."

He kisses my hand, "That kitten deserves to be punished then." he said biting his lip as he shakes his head looking at me. Pilyo.

"No." I answered, "That kitten was alone and hungry, it was it's defense mechanism to protect itself from me." Travis tilted his head as he put some strands of my hair behind my ear, "Nakakalungkot nga eh, gusto ko siyang balikan kung saan ko siya nakita kahapon. Sana nandoon pa siya kasi kung titingnan mo siya, talaga namang lahat ginagawa niya para lang makasurvive or maybe that kitten is finding its way back home." Travis pulls me in and kisses my temple. I looked at him and smiled. Ayokong kiligin sa paglalambing niya.

Agad kong nilagay yung cat-ears headband sa ulo niya na siyang ikinagulat niya. "Nya- nya-" I showed my kneading hands in the air. A sample of a cattitude.

"Nya-nya ka diyan." he hissed. Another cattitude. Tch, ang cute niyang pagmasdan.

"Let's go out, nagugutom na ako, I just waited for you to wake up, wala naman akong food dito." I told him as I stood up, he's not yet removing that cat ears on his head.

Para talaga siyang pusa.

"I would want to, but I don't have extra clothes." He said scratching his head.

Kunot noo ko siyang tiningnan, "Wala kang bagahe?" akala ko naman kahit papaano may dala-dala siyang gamit.

"Nope. I just bought my passport, a ticket and flew right here." He said removing the cat ears and adjusting himself to get up. Umiwas kaagad ako ng tingin dahil wala siyang kahit anong suot. Naramdaman kong uminit ang mukha ko.

"Just wear what you wore last night." I suggested not looking at him. But then again, as if he wears his clothes without taking a bath. For sure he wants his clothes cleaned first. Kainis! Bakit kasi agad-agad siyang pumunta dito ng walang kahit anong baong damit? Puro rubbers ang baon niya, what the hell!

I feel his arms are around my waist. He's still naked. I gulped. Keep your shit together Maxene.

"What if we just stayed here? Mag-order ka na lang ng pagkain, then we'll eat here and then maybe we can have dessert too after, or maybe let's eat dessert first." he nibbles my earlobe, aba teka ibang dessert ang tinutukoy niya!

With a slight force, he completely turns me to face him. I see him smiling at me adorably and attempts to kiss my lips but then my stomach growls real loud. Now the mood is turned off. Ayaw niyang maniwala sa akin eh. Not my fault.

"You're that hungry?" his lips form a thin line and I nod. He sighs and let go, "Okay, we'll eat." he turn away from me and finds his clothes scattered all over the place. Buti naman!

I suddenly remembered the kimono I bought for him, "You can wear the kimono I bought for you." I suggested, "Alam ko naman na hindi ka umuulit ng damit, lalo na at hindi ka pa naliligo." Maselan ka kasi Travis. Again, another cattitude. Napakaselan!

"Kimono is what girls wear, baka yukata ang ibig mong sabihin." he corrected me, I paused to think about it pero napailing na lang siya sa reaksyon ko, "Anyway, I think that would work, but how about my underwear?" nagpapakapilyo na naman siya. Talaga naman Hayes!

Gutom ako, pero sige papatulan ko siya, "Angalang suotin mo ang panty ko, kasya ba sayo iyon?" nadismayang natatawa na lang siya sa naging sagot ko sa kanya, "Ibibili na lang kita mamaya, please kumain na tayo, I'm starving!"

"Okay fine. We'll eat." he said as I handed him the yukata I bought for him.

Pagkalabas niya ng banyo laking gulat niya dahil naka-kimono na ako. I see him through the mirror and noticed his eyes are filled with gleam. I just fixed my hair up into a ponytail and put some accessories. Okay na siguro ito. I turn around and see him looking at me almost at awe.

"Tara na?" pagyaya ko at nilahad ang kamay ko sa kanya.

He gave me a nod and locked our hands together, "Kireina." he muttered soothingly.

Hindi pa ako ganon ka-familiar sa Japanese. Kapag nga nanonood ako anime, kailangan may subtitles pa para maintindihan ko kung ano ang sinasabi nila. But Travis's eyes interprets everything behind that one word.

I am beautiful in his eyes as his gaze warms up my heart.

Kumain kami sa isang Japanese restaurant around Tokyo, he suggested the place para malapit lang daw. For some reason I feel like he's been here a long time ago. Maybe his father brought him here with his mother, when he was young.

"Irasshaimase Shujin-sama, Ojo-sama." bati sa amin ng mga tao mula sa reception na naka-bow in a traditional Japanese way. Tumungo naman ako kaagad bilang pag respeto at napatingin ako kay Travis na tumungo din naman. Pero hindi ko alam kung bakit parang masyado siyang tensionado.

"Young master, welcome back!" binati siya ng isang lalaking parang matagal na siyang kilala, "It's been a while. Since when have you arrived?"

This Japanese fellow speaks English as if it is his native language. I'm impressed.

"You probably have mistaken me for someone else." his voice is stern and controlling. His eyes are telling the young man to stop making him feel awkward.

"My apologies." muling tumungo yung lalaki pero may ngiti pa rin sa kanyang labi, "I probably did. Please, come this way. I'll take you to your seats." agad naman kaming inasikaso ng lalaki.

Kinuha na rin niya ang order namin at kaagad namang siyang pinaalis ni Travis para magawa na ang inorder naming pagkain.

"They're just like that, you know." I commented and he looked in my direction, "Japanese people are very hospitable with their customers."

"I know." matipid niyang sagot na nakacross arms.

"Why do I sense that you're not comfortable?" there's his guard up again.

"Why would you say that?" he's assessing my reaction.

"Wala lang, pakiramdam ko lang siguro iyon." I looked at him eye to eye, "Kung tingnan ka kasi nung lalaki kanina, pakiramdam ko kilala ka niya or dahil may kahawig ka lang." he closed his eyes with a smile. He's definitely hiding something from me, "Kilala mo ba sila Travis?" I asked. I can't stop my curiosity. It took him a while to answer me as if he's having second thoughts to how he'll answer my question.

He sighed looking away, "I do."

"Why did you deny it earlier?" bakit tinanggi niya kanina?

"Do you doubt me?" he asks cautiously with a little amusement in his face.

"Give me a reason not to." two can play this game, I bent my head a little biting my lips. I see him gulped as his eyes were focused on mine. I laughed at him in my mind as I witnessed the effect I had on him. Checkmate!

He sighs in defeat by the time he realized what I just did. He cleared his throat and sit straight, "This is just one of my father's property." he admits, "Kaya kilala nila ako."

Woah, I didn't expect that. "Really? Eh bakit parang nahihiya ka? You should be proud, yung ibang tao nga ipagmamalaki nila ang success ng pamilya nila."

He shakes his head forcing out a smile on his face, "I am happy for my father's achievements, lalo na pagkatapos mamatay ni Mama. Madaming tinutulungang tao si Papa sa negosyo niya, pati business ni Mama tinake-over niya."

"Hanga nga si Mommy sa Papa mo, hindi ba?" nakapangalumbaba akong pinagmamasdan siya, kahit na hindi pa rin siya kumportableng magkwento sa akin tungkol dito, "He served the military once, hindi ba?" I asked and he nods carefully. Gusto ko lang naman mas makilala ang parents niya lalo na at ngayon lang namin napag-usapan 'to. Pero ano ba ang tamang katanungan na dapat kong itanong sa kanya? "I never get to know the name of your late mother." I asked as I saw him flinch a little. Maybe I'm on the right track, "What's the name of your mother Travis?"

He looks at me as if he wants to regret that he opened this information around me. Lumunok siya at sumandal sa kanyang upuan. He tries to look away but he knows I wouldn't let this go. He took a deep breath and answered me, "My mother's name is Trudi. Trudi Hayes."

"From the sound of her name, is she Russian?" I can't contain my amazement, but then hindi naman halata kay Travis na may halo siyang Russian, he could pass as an Asian American to me. Unless, I miss something. He's still keeping something from me at hindi ako matahimik doon.

"Travis, can I ask more?" I couldn't contain my curiosity.

"I'm not really comfortable discussing this with you right now Maxene." he admits in defeat as if I'm pressing a sensitive button. "I'm sorry." he gulps, avoiding my gaze. There's this wall between us again.

"Sorry din, hindi na muna ako magtatanong kung gano'n." I said but he's still not looking at me. I approached him and since the area is private I took the chance to woo him. I put my hands on his face and kissed him, yet even his kisses are very guarded around me. Ganoon na lang ba kaselan ang topic na iyon para hindi niya iopen up sa akin?

"I'm sorry." I puffed my face, "Am I forgiven?" I asked him and it took a while for him to soften up around me.

He stand tall in front of me and traces my face with his fingers, "Pasalamat ka, hindi kita matiis."

I smiled and pulled him close to me, "Bati na tayo?" paglalambing ko na dahilan kung bakit napangiti na siya sa akin ng tuluyan.

He nods with a small smile on his face, "Hindi naman tayo nag-aaway eh." he kissed my temple and I embrace him.

Hindi nga tayo nag-aaway, but that doesn't change the fact na may mga hindi ka sa akin sinasabi Travis. It hurts me a little because I felt like you don't trust me yet, or maybe it's not yet the right time for me to know whatever it is you're hiding from me.

Hindi ko talaga magawang hindi magtampo; ayoko naman na dahil doon, mag-aaway na naman kaming dalawa.

The dinner goes well and we leave after we eat.

Hindi ko lang talaga magawang hindi pansinin na yung mga staff sa loob ng restaurant na kilalang kilala si Travis. Parang ikinatututwa nila na bumisita siya ulit matapos ng- ewan ko; ng mahabang panahon?

Siya lang ata ang nahihiya sa kung gaano sila kayaman. May five star restaurant sa Japan, may business sa England, yung totoo, mas mayaman pa ata sakin to.

He's locking his hand on mine while we stroll the busy streets of Japan.

Dahil late na rin kami nakalabas limited lang ang mga napuntahan namin. Binilhan ko na rin siya ng damit kahit tatlong pares lang, para naman may pamalit siya though sinasabi niya na hindi naman daw niya technically kailangan dahil pag-uwi daw namin kahit nakahubad siyang matulog, okay lang daw kasi wala na raw siyang tinatago sa akin.

Wala raw tinatago pero--hays, ang pilyo niya talaga kahit kailan. O sadyang nililihis niya ang usapan para hindi na ako magtanong tulad ng ginawa ko kanina. Hays.

Bago kami makauwi, napansin ko kaagad yung pusang ligaw na nakita ko noong isang araw. Bumitaw muna ako saglit kay Travis at nilapitan yung kuting.

"Ming-ming, naalala mo pa ako?"

"Nasa Japan ka hindi ba, hindi ka niya maiintindihan." ani Travis na naka-cross arm sa tabi ko.

"Siya yung kuting na sinasabi ko sa'yo. Buti naman at nagpakita siya ngayon, mamaya sabihin mo gawa-gawa ko lang iyon." I attempted to pet the kitten but still it hissed at me. Hindi pa siya comfortable sa akin.

"Ayaw niya sa'yo. Tara na, waste of time iyan." inip na sabi ni Travis.

Kinuha ko yung isang canned tuna na binili ko sa convenience store at binuksan iyon sa tapat nung kuting. Inamoy amoy niya muna iyon at tsaka lumapit at kumain.

"Oishii ne?" tugon ko sa munting kuting na ngayon ay kakatapos na kumain. Muli ay sinubukan kong himasin ang ulo nung kuting. May pag-aalangan pa rin siya sa akin, pero nilapit niya ang ulo niya sa akin na parang nagpapasalamat siya dahil nakakain ulit siya ng pagkain.

"Mabait na siya sa'yo ngayon, ah?" kumento ni Travis na ka-level ko na ngayon.

"Hawakan mo din siya dali." hinikayat ko siya, kahit nag-aalangan ay hinaplos niya rin yung kuting, "Buti pa sa'yo unang pagkikita ninyo, okay siya sa'yo. Sa akin hindi." pagtatampo ko kuno. He just let out a chuckle as I see how the kitten purrs in front of him.

"Nozomi, modotte.(Nozomi, come back.)" may isang batang lalaki na kasama ang nanay niya na parang may hinahanap.

Kaagad namang humaripas ng takbo yung kuting mula sa amin papunta doon sa bata.

"Nozomi, mitsuketa. (Nozomi, found you.)" Niyakap ng bata yung kuting. Siya ata yung owner. Lumapit naman sa amin yung nanay nung bata.

"Arigato, arigato." nakailang beses siyang tumungo sa amin at kinausap siya ni Travis.

Dahil nakakaintindi siya ng Hapon, pansamantalang na-out of place ako. Pinapakalma niya yung ginang at lumapit sa kanya yung batang may dala-dala doon sa kuting.

"Oniisan, boku tomodachi o mitsukete kurete arigatō. (Big brother, thank you for helping me find my friend.)" ani ng bata na naiiyak sa harapan niya. Lumevel si Travis sa bata at ginulo ang buhok nito.

"Tomodachi no sewa o shimasu, ne? (You take good care of your friend, okay?)" nagmistulang payo ang mga salitang iyon sa bata at nagka-ngitian sila.

Umalis na ang mag-ina at kinawayan kami nung bata na ang pangalan pala ay Touya.

"Share mo naman kung anong nangyari kanina." Siniko ko siya at natawa naman siya.

"Sabi nung nanay ni Touya, naiwan daw nila yung kuting noong isang araw na naaksidente yung bata sa playground. Akala nila hindi na nila mahahanap yung kuting dahil kung saan-saan na sila nakarating. Ikinasama ng loob ni Touya yung pag-iwan nung nanay niya sa alagang kuting kaya sinamahan niya yung anak niya hanapin yung nawawala niyang kaibigan."

"Aww, kaya naman pala gano'n. Sayang talaga at kulang pa ang kaalaman ko sa Japanese. Buti na lang at kasama kita." Binola ko siya pero nakatingin pa rin siya sa malayo. "Don't worry, masaya na si Touya, Travis. kasama na niya si Nozomi." Nozomi pala yung pangalan ng kuting.

Nung hinanap ko sa pocket dictionary ko, nozomi means wish kung isusulat siya sa kanji, pero ang iba pang ibig sabihin noon ay hope.

Biglang natawa si Travis, "May naaalala lang ako sa batang 'yon." I really don't know how to describe his face right now. He's happy but he's in pain. His heart is somewhere between melancholy and longing towards a memory that is drifting away from him. Recalling some memories, he has a soft heart for kids like Miguel, Antonio and now Touya.

Kung pagmamasdan siya ngayon, ang aliwalas ng mukha niya. Gentle looking Travis, looks perfectly handsome.

Bigla kong naalala yung picture frame na nakita ko noong first session namin. Sa sobrang bored ko noong gabing iyon habang hinihintay siya, pumasok ako sa music room niya at natuwa kung gaano kalinis ang instruments niya knowing na sobrang busy siyang tao. Minsan naiisip ko ba kung may tagalinis siya ng kwarto or sadyang malinis lang talaga si Travis sa gamit.

Hindi ko naman talaga dapat papansinin ang picture frame na iyon, pero dahil sa curiosity ko, tinignan ko na rin. Hindi ko maalis sa isipan ko kung sino ang kasama ni Travis doon sa picture.

Alam kong siya yung isang batang matangkad doon, tapos may isa pa siyang kasama na mas maliit sa kanya halos kahawig niya pero hindi naman. Siguro kasi magka-mata sila. Matalik ba niyang kaibigan iyon? Pinsan? Classmate noong bata pa sila?

For all I know, only child si Travis kaya imposibleng kapatid niya iyon.

"Tara na?" yaya niya sa akin na may ngiti sa kanyang labi.

Pagkapasok namin ng room kaagad kong inayos yung mga pinamili kong pagkain kung sakali man at magutom ako ulit mamaya. Tomorrow is our last day dito sa Japan, sana makagala pa kami bago kami makauwi.

Bigla akong niyakap ni Travis mula sa likuran ko. He's kissing my neck and I turn to look at his face. Naglalambing na naman siya.

"Do you have some friends para maupdate ka sa naging araw ninyo sa school ngayon?" I couldn't help to worry for him. Dahil kasi sa kalokohan ko kaya siya hindi pumasok ngayon sa school.

He kissed my cheeks, "I don't know, I broke my phone." he says as if he doesn't care.

"Wait, what? Why?"

"Tsaka na natin isipin yan." inip niyang sambit, "I really want to spend this night with you."

"Siraulo, nakakarami ka na. Magpahinga ka naman Travis." he held my hands at puts them to his face. He pouts as if he's pleading me. It is dangerously cute, but I have to stand firm, ayoko mapuyat.

"No Travis. Gusto ko ienjoy ang araw bukas. Last day na, halos hindi ako nakagala masyado. Please, I really want to enjoy my stay here." I pleaded adoringly.

He clicks his tongue. Typical impatient Travis face with consideration, "Fine, pero kapag nakauwi tayo, babawi ka sa akin."

"Yey!" I raised both of my hands and put my head on his chest as I feel he puts his head on my shoulder. I am now hugging him and savoring his scent. Nahawa na ata ako sa cattitude niya.

But then I have to ask, "Why did you break your phone?"

He shakes his head in disappointment, "Kasalanan mo kasi."

"Oh, bakit naman kasalanan ko?"

He just smiles, "Nevermind." aniya at humiwalay sa akin. Kinuha niya ang hotel towel, mukhang maliligo na naman siya.

"Yung phone lang naman ang nasira, hindi tayo." he playfully winks at me.

"What was that supposed to mean?" anong kinalaman nung phone niya 'sa amin' kuno? "At maliligo ka kaagad? Hindi ka manlang maghihintay saglit, mamaya mapasma ka niyan." to think na kakaligo lang niya kanina pagkagising niya. Pumunta na siya ng bathroom at para akong asong nakasunod sa kanya, "Kagagaling lang natin sa labas, ipahinga mo muna ang sarili mo, huy!"

Bigla akong napalunok nang makita kong wala na siyang saplot pagpasok ko sa banyo. Nakangisi siya sa akin at mukhang nakuha naman niya ang reaksyon na gusto niyang makita mula sa akin.

Agad akong tumalikod. Kalma Maxene, kalma.

"B-be sure na lang na mag warm bath ka, then mag blower ka ng buhok bago ka lumabas, mamaya magkasakit ka. Matutulog na ako, bukas na ako maliligo." payo ko sa kany at naramdaman ang mga braso niyang dumikit sa balikat ko. Yayakapin niya ba ako ulit? Napapikit ako, kung ano man ang gagawin niya, baka bumigay ako.

Isinabit niya sa pintuan yung mga damit na binili ko para sa kanya.

False alarm Maxene!

"Oh, akala ko matutulog ka na." muli siyang ngumisi at sa hitsura ng mukha niya, tinatawanan na naman niya ako sa utak niya.

"Are you going to watch me take a bath or gusto mo sabay na tayo? I'll wash your back."

"Ewan sa'yo." Umalis na ako ng bathroom at sinarado ang pinto.

"Huwag mong isara." natatawang aniya mula sa loob, "Free naman ang viewing Maxene eh."

Kainis!

Makapagbihis na nga at makatulog na!