M A X E N E

The five rules we made stands firm without a doubt.

However, where does open communication lie if certain conditions weren't met?

"Tinatanong ka sa akin ni Gerard," panimula ko nang nakikiramdam sa mood niya, "Nag-te-text daw sila sa iyo, pero hindi mo sila sinasagot."

"Bakit niya alam ang number mo?" tanong niya sa akin.

"Kinuha niya noong minsang nag bonding tayo sa bar."

"Sino pa ang nakakaalam ng number mo?"

"Yung mga kaibigan mo lang." what's with his unfriendly tone? "Akala ko ba ayos lang dahil nga gusto rin nila akong maging kaibigan?" Did he forget how he give me that signal to give his friends a chance to redeem themselves in front of me?

He looked outside the windows with an impassive face, "Should I tell them what happened or you'll answer them on your phone?"

"Bahala ka." he turned the TV on without looking back at me.

Binisita siya ng mga kaibigan niya sa ospital nang malaman nila mula sa akin kung anong nangyari sa kanya. Bakit kasi hindi na lang siya ang magsabi sa kanila? Eh kaibigan naman niya yung mga 'yon, hindi ba?

Noong kaming dalawa lang ang magkasama, ang tahimik niya na halos hindi niya ako kausapin. Ngayong nandito na ang tatlo niyang kaibigan, gusto niyang umupo lang ako sa tabi niya at umarteng ayos lang kami.

Kung tutuusin, wala naman akong problema sa set-up namin. Nagkasundo nga kami nang dahil sa pagpapakatotoo namin sa isa’t-isa. Akala ko pa nga pwede kaming maging magkaibigan kahit pa paano, pero bakit hindi ko maiwasang maramdaman na unti-unting tumaas at kumapal ang pader sa pagitan naming dalawa?

May nagawa ba ako na hindi niya gusto?

Sa pagdaan ng oras, naging paborito na niya ang rule number 4 sa tuwing magtatanong ako ng kahit ano tungkol sa kanya. Dahil doon ni halos wala na kaming mapag-usapan.

Pero sa totoo lang mas nayayamot ako sa rule number 3 na ako mismo ang gumawa. Dahil sa likod ng mukhang pinapakita niya sa akin, mas pinipili ko siyang mas unawain pa ngayon.

T R A V I S

"Dude bakit pumasok ka agad?" bati ni Joshua sa akin nang makita niya ako sa may locker area, "Alam ba ni Max na pumasok ka? Mamaya mag-alala 'yon." nakangising aniya na nakakaloko.

Hindi niya kailangang malaman ang lahat.

"Pero seryoso dude," Pinatong niya ang kamay niya sa balikat ko at tinanong ako, "Ayos ka na ba talaga?"

"Priority ko ngayon ang maka-catch up sa lessons ko. Isa pa nakapagpahinga na rin naman ako ng maayos kahapon pagkauwi ko." matipid kong ani habang inaayos ang gamit ko sa locker.

"Yun oh, nakapagpahinga rin siya sa wakas. Alagang-alaga ka ni Max, ah?" muling tukso niya na isinangwalangbahala ko lang.

Hindi na naman dapat dahil sinabihan ko rin siya na kaya ko na, siya lang talaga itong makulit.

"Oh, pumasok ka na pala Travis," Pierre patted my shoulder and gives me a friendly nod, "Welcome back."

"Thanks." I closed my locker and sees Gerard with a frown worrying like a little brother.

"Ikaw talaga, kung hindi pa namin nalaman kay Maxene ang nangyari sa'yo, hindi mo pa rin talaga sasabihin sa'min ang aksidenteng nangyari sa iyo, ano Travis?" pagtatampong singit ni Gerard. "Paalala lang, kaibigan mo rin kami kahit pa paano ah."

I chuckled, shaking my head, "Ayoko lang talaga kayong mag-alala. Isa pa naka-recover naman ako agad. Wala lang 'to."

"Oo nga Ge. Ikaw naman, parang hindi tayo bumisita sa kanya kamakailan ah? Pabayaan mo na si Travis, isa pa may nurse naman na nag-alaga sa kanya roon. Di'ba dude?" nakangiting taas-babang kilay na ani Joshua na inilingan ko lang.

"Ang swerte mo naman kay Maxene." hirit ni Gerard na hindi ko pinansin.

That's just for show and she's just playing the role of an obedient fiance.

"Well, is it also true that Monique pays you a visit?" Pierre asked suddenly. Kinuwento rin ba iyon ni Maxene sa kanya?

"That's true." I didn't bother denying it as I see the ray of relief on his face.

"Ay, edi nagkita na si Moe at si Max?" Joshua's curiosity beamed as his eyes widened right next to me.

"You can say that." I shrugged nonchalantly.

"Eh, anong reaksyon ni Maxene noong nakita na niya sa personal si Moe?" segunda ni Ge.

"She's friendly enough." that's all I can say since that's the only reaction I expected of her.

"Iba talaga kapag kabilaan ang babae, ano?" pilyong ani Joshua na para bang ginagaya niya ako sa kanila ni Pierre. "As long as walang commitments, walang expectations, hindi ba?"

I hold no commitments towards Maxene.

"Well, now that Moe is back," Pierre faces me with a grin, "ano nang plano mo, Travis?"

"What do you mean by that?" I asked, tilting my head beside.

He chuckled, "Now that the love of your life is back, what's the purpose of you sticking around with your fake fiance?" he asked as if he's reminding me of this reality that I've woken up since that day.

I smiled not answering his stupid question.

"May klase pa ako, mamaya na lang ulit tayo mag catch-up guys."

I will make her see that she only has me.

Until then, she belongs to no one but me.

I'll push her to break free from this arrangement without dragging my reputation down.

I'm not going to concede to this charade.

This is just a phase.

M A X E N E

Months have passed and I couldn't help but notice how he changed drastically in front of me.

He turned out to be indifferent, cold, and cruel whenever it’s just the two of us in private or maybe he just wishes to be with someone who’s not me.

Hindi naman nagbago ang pakikitungo niya sa akin kapag nasa labas kami o kapag may mga taong nakakakita sa aming dalawa.

Ayon nga sa rule number 2, kailangan naming magmukhang maayos kahit na hindi.

Sinusubukan ko rin naman pakisamahan ang mga kaibigan niya, kahit na minsan naaasar akong marinig kung paano pinagsasabay-sabay ni Joshua ang mga babae niya na parang suportado nilang magkakabarkada.

"Kung palagi kang nakikipaglaro, walang magseseryoso sa'yo, Joshua. Just an advice coming from someone who can read you like an open book." I just stated an opinion to make it a good argument.

"Coming from Miss Know-it-all, huh?" Travis chucked beside his friends as if my opinion didn't matter.

"Mahirap magsalita nang wala kang alam, Maxene." he smirked beside me, shutting my confidence down, "Kaya para hindi ka mapahiya, tumahimik ka na lang."

That's him clearly reminding me of my place.

If I didn't matter in this group, then why am I even here with him?

I just laughed it off by drinking a punch and see him staring daggers at me because I disobeyed.

If I'll just be exiled from the conversation, I'd rather get myself drunk so I can act who the hell I want. But he's stubborn as I am and controls my alcohol intake by altering my drink to a series of blue lemonade juices.

Nakakasakal.

Nakakainis.

I feel so restricted.

Hindi rin naman nagtagal at nagbago na rin ang takbo ng usapan nilang apat.

Sinamantala ko ang pagkakataong ito para magpaalam na mag-restroom saglit, pero mas abala si Travis na pakinggan ang sinasabi ni Pierre kaysa sa lingunin ako saglit.

“Max, balik ka agad ah.” Gerard reminded me with a friendly face. Honestly, he's the only person I can call a friend here in his group.

“Saglit lang ako, Baby G. Ano, miss mo na ako agad?” I teased him back and he shook his head with a defeated smile and glance at the person sitting next to me. I got up and didn’t look back, hearing them laughing as if they're in their own little world.

Paglabas ko ng restroom, may dalawang lalaki na sumalubong sa akin.

Niyayaya nila akong sumama sa table nila dahil gusto nilang makipag-inuman sa akin. Maayos ko naman silang hinindian, pero hindi sila nagpatinag.

Bago pa man nila ako mahawakan, agad akong inakbayan ni Travis sa harapan nila.

“Ang sabi mo, saglit ka lang.” he uttered gravelly, concealing his disappointment with a smile, “You made me miss you already.” his smile shifts immediately to a glare looking at the people who were bothering me. The two strangers decided to walk away pretending as if nothing happened.

“Travis–” before I could say another word, he pinned me to the wall and claimed my lips. His frustrated and anxious kisses drowns me as if he’s taking me down with him. I cut the kiss before someone could see us, “Travis, baka makita tayo ng mga kaibigan mo–”

His eyes darkened and grins relentlessly, “Bakit,” He playfully nibbles my earlobe, pulling me to him, “Sino sa kanila ang balak mong ipalit sa akin?” 

I feel the warmth of his breath next to my ears, “Anong ibig mong sabihin doon?” I have to stand my ground before my legs melt, “Hindi kita maintindihan, Travis.” 

Did I do something, for him to treat me like this?

His thumb brushes my bottom lip, “You’re not allowed to look at anyone else, Maxene.” he demanded with a strong authority, “We had a deal, in case you forget.” I tried my best not to let a tear fall from my face. I couldn’t see my face clearly in his eyes that were filled with darkness, “Do you understand?” I said nothing but nodded in defeat. He’s putting me on a leash where he could drag me anywhere he pleases.

We went straight back to their booth and excused ourselves properly in front of his friends with his hand on my wrist. Pierre gave me a proud playful smile as if he won a bet.

I choose to look away.

I spent a night at his penthouse where we had our session for him to steam some heat.

I guess having a good conversation is overrated for him.

“I’ll give you three minutes,” he says after we finished, “I want you out of my room when I get back.” he gets up from bed and walks straight towards his bathroom without looking back at me.

A tear betrayed me as I did what I was told. I grabbed my clothes and transferred to the next room. 

Ayos lang ito. 

Pareho naman kaming nakikinabang sa isa’t-isa at nasa usapan din naman namin ito.

Ayos lang ako. 

Kailangan ko siya para makalabas sa hawla ko. Kailangan niya ako dahil– malamya kong tinawanan ang sarili ko.

Ito lang naman ang kailangan niya sa akin habang nakikita niya siya sa isipan niya, hindi ba?

‘He only sticks around with you because you’re arranged with him. Pero kapag bumalik si Monique sa buhay niya, sa tingin mo ba hindi magbabago ng pakikitungo sa’yo ang fiance mo.’

I hate to admit that what Pierre told me back then was right.

In denial pa nga ako noong una, pero simula noong nakita ulit ni Travis si Monique, nagbago siya ng pakikitungo sa akin at nakasarado ang mga mata at tenga niya sa akin dahil si Monique lang ang gusto niyang makita at marinig.

Ano Maxene, nagsisisi ka na ba sa pakikipagkasundo mo kay Travis?

*****

TODAY I'm at his place making him something to eat. I don't know why I couldn't forget that look on his face when he said that no one cooks for him in his home to think he has everything all in one place.

Ano ba kasi ang gusto mong patunayan Max? Inis na tanong ko sa sarili, dahil mas inuuna ko siyang isipin kaysa sa sarili ko. Bakit ko pinapaniwala ang sarili ko na ayaw ni Travis ipakita ang mukha na pinakita niya sa akin noon bago pa man bumalik si Monique sa buhay niya? Bakit umaasa akong makikita ko ulit ang maamo niyang mukha na gusto kong protektahan?

Again, what are you trying to prove Maxene?

I see him on his phone, maybe he's talking to Monique. Hindi kasi maalis ang mga ngiti niya sa cellphone niya. Ilang araw na rin ang nagdaan na mas kausap pa niya ang cellphone niya kaysa sa akin. Buti pa siya may kausap sa cellphone. Biglang tumunog ang cellphone ko kaya napatingin siya sa gawi ko na hindi parang ikinaiinis niya na makita akong iniistorbo siya sa tahimik niyang mundo katext ang taong nagpapangiti sa kanya. Nginitian ko na lang siya at pumasok sa guest room.

I answered Bridgette's call, "Bridge, what's up?"

"I received an email regarding the person who you're investigating." finally some good news.

"Send me the email Bridge, thank you." After I ended the call I was able to smile to my heart's content knowing where Kenzo is. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ilang beses na siyang lumipat ng lugar na tinutuluyan, ayoko naman isipin na iniiwasan niya ako dahil ilang buwan na rin matapos niya akong hiwalayan.

I have to go where he is, yet should I tell Travis? Mukhang busy na rin naman siya kay Monique. Ganito naman talaga kami dapat, hindi ba?

Lumabas na rin ako agad at hinanda ang hapag para makakain na kami pareho.

"Who called?" he asked while eating without looking back at me.

"Si Bridgette lang."

"Work?" I don't know why these little talks barely consider a conversation, but since he's talking to me, I'll just answer him.

"Yep."

He looks at me indifferently, "Do you want me to take you to work?"

"It's okay. I can manage." I said letting out a smile.

"Okay." he muttered and avoided my gaze. It seems like our conversation hits a dead end. It feels like we are complete strangers now, he's drifting away from me where he won't allow me to reach him.

I should be happy, right? Monique is back for him. May Kenzo rin naman ako. Arranged lang naman kami sa kasunduan na hindi namin parehong gusto. Kaya lang naman siya nananatili sa tabi ko ay dahil siya ang pinili ko para maging fiance ko.

This.

Is.

Just.

A.

Phase.

Something pinches inside my heart. I want to control my breathing because oxygen fails to work with me. Pinilit kong tumayo para kumuha ng tubig, nakalimutan ko yung pitcher sa loob ng ref.

Naninikip ang puso ko. Nahihirapan ako huminga. Huwag ngayon, please. Huwag sa harapan niya.

Pilit kong kinakalma ang sarili ko pero nawalan ako ng kontrol sa sarili kong katawan at nabitawan ko ang basong dala-dala ko, nakita kong nabasag iyon sa lapag. Napasapo ako sa dibdib ko at unti-unti kong nararamdaman na nanlalamig ang buong sistema ko.

"Maxene," narinig ko ang boses ni Travis at agad akong nilapitan at sinandal sa balikat niya, "What happened, are you alright?"

"Hi-hindi ako makahinga." I uttered weakly, catching my breath as he had me drink on his glass because my hands were shaking, "I need to lay down." pakiusap ko sa kanya. Binuhat niya ako sa guest room at hiniga sa kama.

"Wh-what should I do, should I call a doctor? Should we go to the hospital?" I control my breathing and feel his hands on mine, "Maxene, talk to me." Tiningnan ko si Travis at nginitian. Ngayon na lang kasi niya ulit ako tiningnan ng ganito.

"I'll be okay," I say with a weak voice, "I'm sorry I broke a glass." he shakes his head, telling me it doesn't matter.

"What happened?" he asked as I took my time to control my breathing. "Namumutla ka, let's just go and see a doctor Max." his voice is worried, anxious and desperate.

I shake my head, "I just need more time to breathe." I told him with my eyes closed.

"Don't close your eyes Maxene," he advised solemnly, "Talk to me, tell me anything, tulad ng dati. Basta dumaldal ka lang. I'll listen." Tulad ng dati. I smiled inwardly, naaalala pa pala niya iyon. I couldn't feel my hands but his hands were warm, "Max," He called my name again, "Talk to me."

"I don't know what to say Travis," I smiled at him and saw how his face was in deep distress, "I'll be okay, don't worry." I force out a smile. I'll manage.

"What's the name of your first pet?" he's engaging me in a conversation that he doesn't usually do the past few days.

I tried to recall the name of my first dog, "Alpha is his name, he's a husky." I hear him chuckle.

"Your favorite dessert?"

"Any ice cream would be nice."

"Favorite book?"

"Harry Potter."

"That's seven thick books too long." he commented with a smile tracing my face.

"I got all the time in the world." I giggled as I held my heart.

"Favorite movie?" he asked again, his voice sounding considerate.

"The Ugly Truth." I answered and saw how surprised he was with my answer.

"Iyon yung movie na pinanood natin sa sinehan, hindi ba?" he is now caressing my hair and I gave him a weak nod. "What's so special about the movie?" he tilted his head observing my reaction.

"Because the truth is ugly." I commented, giving a small chuckle and I closed my eyes.

The truth that I'll always consider you before my feelings.

The truth that I will never be your Monique.

The truth that I am hating myself for hurting myself like this.

The truth that I can't help falling for you helplessly and the truth that me and you will never be.

I tilted my head beside and a tear just betrayed me. I gradually moved beside so I could hide my face from him but my sobs were getting obvious.

"Maxene." he calls my name with a hint of uncertainty.

"I'll be fine." my voice breaks and I bite my lips. I tried rebuilding my voice, "I may need some time alone, please."

The weight on the bed becomes lighter. Maybe he already left. I wasn't able to look because I wouldn't want to see him leave. Yet I wish he'll just leave so I can cry my heart out openly without anyone hearing me.

Minutes have passed and the room is empty and quiet. I can hear my own heart beating in a very weird way. I scan my phone to check if I can talk to someone; but then I remembered, my only best friend dumped me a long time ago because she fell in love one-sidedly with the only guy who inspires me to do better. Yet after years of happiness, Kenzo also left. Travis will soon leave, I'll be all alone again.

It's so dark here.

Nanghihina ang katawan ko. Kumuha ako ng unan para yakapin at takpan ang mukha ko at humiga ng maayos.

I'm alone.

Ugly thoughts make me cry.

I just cried without anyone hearing me.

The more I make a sound the more I embrace the pillow tightly.

I cried my heart out. I cried my pain out.

I shout without anyone hearing me.

I just cried alone like I used to.

I'm starting to hurt myself. I'm pounding my chest.

Why does this hurt so much?

I wanted the pain to stop and I closed my fist like I'm holding a solid rock so when it hits my heart it would just stop, when I'm about to hurt myself a hand stopped me and removed the pillow from my face.

In the darkness I see his face.

Travis.

I thought he had already left the room.

"What are you doing?" I asked with a stern voice as the tears that I can't control kept falling, "I thought you left." his eyes were broken as if he was guilty of what he was seeing and I felt a warm water dripping on top of me. I wiped his face, is he crying? "Travis, are you crying?" he closed his eyes and hid his face from me and another tear fell from his eyes. Why is he crying? His tears were heavy.

"Sabi naman sayo kaya ko naman. Pwede ka na umalis, kaya ko naman-" my voice betrays me again as I cover my face using my hands, "I-I'll be fine." he says nothing and cups my face, he removes my hands but I won't let him see me like this, "Travis, I'll be fine, just go, please." my voice is pushy.

"I won't go anywhere," his voice attempts to calm me down, "I'll stay here with you." His voice is like singing me a lullaby.

Don't say such words that hold too much expectation.

"Y-you should use your words right." I remembered him telling me those exact same words that made him flinch. With all his strength, he removes my hand on my face, he cups my face and kisses my tears away, "Please don't." I tried to push him away but I'm too weak to push him away. He puts my hand on his chest.

I feel his heartbeat.

"Maxene." his face shows indecision and agony. He can't say enough yet his heart talks for him. He's sorry for how he treated me for the past few days, he apologizes with a thousand heartbeats. He kisses my hand again and puts it on his face, "I won't do anything." he uttered holding a strong promise, "But I will stay." he lays beside me as he pulls me close to him. I can feel him smelling my hair. He plants a sweet kiss on my forehead that I miss since the day he woke up on that hospital bed.

Are we cuddling? Is this counted? But then we didn't have any session, is this allowed?

"Rule number 5, Travis." I reminded him and I heard him chuckling beside me.

"Hindi tayo nag-session Maxene, so this is not counted."

Liar.

His lie made me smile. How can one lie make me happy like this?

He adjusted my head to lay me on his shoulder so he could keep me closer to him. His left hand is brushing my shoulder like a soft feather. I held his right hand and kissed it. He locks his hand with mine.

I'm finally at peace.

*****

"What happened to you earlier?" he asks as he plays with my hair. I don't know how many hours have passed, but now, I am facing him.

"I had attacks like that when I was younger, it stopped for a while. I don't know what triggers it now."

"Tell me more." he requested like a curious child as he looked into my eyes.

"I was diagnosed with mitral valve prolapse. Let's just say I have a very weak heart and sometimes it pumps irregularly." he traces his fingers at my face with a hurtful smile, "It's like I'm a bomb waiting to explode and when I explode, the worst case scenario is I might really die, for real." I look back at him with a smile and see pain in his eyes.

"How about surgery?" he suggested, his voice almost breaks.

I shake my head, "It's a little tricky Travis." I paused, "I might die before they can even touch my heart." I maintained my smile, but my answer made him cry a tear again. Before I could wipe it from him and he closed his eyes and hid his face away from me. He really likes hiding. I pretended I didn't notice and fixed his hair, "I'll be fine." I said with a little assurance.

"May gamot ka ba para diyan?" he asked, still hiding from me.

"I'm not a fan of taking medicines," I said with my eyes closed, "Besides they're just pain relievers, it doesn't really mean that they could take my condition away, they just relieve the pain momentarily." Parang tayo, momentarily.

"But at least that'll help you Max." his voice convinces me like a concerned friend.

"I'll be fine." my voice sounds croaky, "It's painful, but I'll be fine. I'm used to it." I felt his forehead on mine and I opened my eyes. There's no more tears in his eyes. I smiled and greeted him, "Hi."

"Hi." he replies back with an awkward smile.

Mukha kaming tanga.

"Aren't you bored?" I asked him and he gave me a light shake of his head. "Kanina ka pa nandito, don't you have some places to be?" Nagkita na ba kayo ulit ni Monique? If only I could ask that. He didn't answer any of my questions or maybe he couldn't find the right words. I just smiled at him, "I might be keeping you too long already." I said insecurely.

"Then keep me." I didn't expect to hear those words from him as if he meant it. I would love to keep you, but you weren't mine. You will never be.

I checked the time and I know I should go. With all my strength I stand up and feel that my breathing is a little normal now, "Why don't you just stay?" he suggested.

I let out a laugh, "Para ano, bantayan na naman ako?" I tilted my head and smiled at him, "Huwag na, mapupuyat ka lang." I keep my friendly face around him.

"I-I'm just afraid," he said almost in a whisper.

"Of what?" I asked as I fixed myself in front of the mirror. He hugs me from behind, hiding his face at the back of my head.

"That your heart might just stop from beating," he uttered as he locked his hand with mine, "Let me convince you to stay, ihahatid na lang kita bukas Maxene."

As much as I wanted to, I know I couldn't. I couldn't because he probably said those words because he feels sorry for me. I shouldn't because I just survived an attack. I don't know what will happen to me the next time I feel that again.

Life is just filled with uncertainty.

"Ikaw talaga." I teased him, "Maaga ka pa bukas," I reminded him as friendly as I could by removing his hand on mine, "I saved some food in your fridge, i-microwave mo na lang ha?" he looked at me like a defeated child. I'm about to head my way out but with force he still pulls me to him and gives me a deep kiss. This kiss demands me to stay. This kiss begs me to stay, "Travis, I need to go home," I told him as I cut the kiss before it could convince me, "Magpahinga ka na, mag-tataxi na lang ako."

"Kahit ihatid na kita, please." I look at him and he really is adamant, "Hindi ako matahimik Max," he paused, "How you look earlier-" his voice almost breaks, "It scares the shit out of me," He confessed, "I-I, I wouldn't want to lose-" He's looking for the right words again but he's very impatient, "Ayokong atakihin ka ng sakit mo uli tapos wala ako sa tabi mo."

"Papayag na lang ako na ihatid mo ako pauwi, after that you have to go back here." I smiled, but his face is still protesting with the idea, "No buts."

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, "Fine." he said as we headed towards the elevator.

*****

We're currently parked near my condo building, pero hindi pa rin ako makababa sa kotse ni Travis dahil hawak hawak niya pa rin ang kamay ko, "Ihahatid na kita sa loob." he says, his voice doesn't want me to oppose him. Para matapos na lang ito pumayag na ako sa gusto niya.

Mula sa elevator hanggang sa tapat ng pintuan ko hinatid niya ako, "End of the line." I told him when we reached the door of my unit, yet still he doesn't want to let me go, "Travis, let go. Alam masyado ka ng clingy." inasar ko siya, baka kasi hindi niya namamalayan ang ginagawa niya, "Mamaya niyan ma-fall na ako talaga sa iyo for real." I have to joke about that because his actions send me signals that I might misunderstand.

Misunderstand, really Maxene?

Agad naman niya atang nakuha ang ibig kong sabihin at para siyang binuhusan ng malamig na tubig sa mga salitang narinig niya mula sa akin. Bumitaw siya sa pagkakahawak sa kamay ko.

Rule 3, no feelings involved.

"But you love Kenzo, right?" hesitation is clear as day from the tone of his voice.

Tumalikod na ako sa kanya at binuksan ang pintuan ng unit ko, "What can I say, I'm a very selfish girl." I smiled playfully back at him and I saw how he couldn't give a proper reaction in front of me. Pumasok na ako sa unit ko at kapansin pansin ang pagkabalisa niya sa nasabi ko sa kanya, mamaya niyan maniwala nga siya. I shake my head and laugh it out, "Oh my God Travis, I'm just kidding. Duh of course I love Kenzo as much as how you love Monique. We're just friends plus may kasunduan tayo, hindi ba? That still stands Travis, I'm not going to forget that." I told him and saw him nodding like an obedient child in front of me.

Maxene, you one ugly liar.

"Good night na." sinaraduhan ko siya ng pintuan at sumandal sa likuran nito. Kung pwede lang na hindi ko na muna makita si Travis. Kung pwede lang hindi niya na muna ako makita.

I need some space.

I need to go back where I truly belong.

T R A V I S

Walang akong boses.

Madilim ang paligid, sobrang dilim.

"Pasensya ka na anak, hindi ko na kaya-" boses ni Nanay iyon, nilingon ko siya at agad na sumikip ang dibdib ko na makita siyang muli.

'Nanay, huwag mo po gawin iyan. Huwag kang tumuntong diyan. Huwag mo po isabit ang ulo mo diyan. Nanay, 'Nay, please, huwag.' Nakikita ko ang dating ako, isang batang walang magawa para iligtas ang nanay niya sa binabalak niyang pagtapos sa buhay niya.

"Dahil sa kahinaan ko nawala ang kapatid mo, hinding hindi ko mapapatawad ang sarili ko."

'Nay, please, huwag po.' umeecho ang ngawa ng isang bata at paulit-ulit na umiiling sa tinatangang gawin ng nanay niya.

"Babalik din ang nanay kapag nakuha ko na si bunso sa langit."

'Nay nandito pa po ako. 'Nay aalagaan po kita. Gagawin ko po ang lahat Nay.' gusto kong takpan ang tenga ko. Gusto kong bulagin ang sarili ko.

"Patawarin mo ako anak." Nanay! Hindi--please po... huwag...

Ayokong makita ang susunod na gagawin ni Nanay at mas pinili kong talikuran ang madilim na lugar na iyon na parang may nakadagan sa dibdib ko. Nahihirapan akong huminga.

"Travis..." boses ni Maxene ang tumawag sa akin mula sa kadiliman na iyon. Nakangiti niya akong pinagmamasdan. Napakaliwanag niya na halos masilaw ako sa harapan niya. Nagsasalita siya ulit pero hindi ko na marinig kung anong sinasabi niya hanggang sa unti-unti siyang humahakbang patalikod sa akin. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang mapagtanto ko kung nasaan kami.

"Maxene, take my hand. Don't take a step back." I say, reaching out my hand to her. Yet she said nothing but smiled. I shake my head. 'Maxene.' hindi ko marinig ang boses ko.

Hindi ako makagalaw sa kinatatayuan ko at wala akong sapat na lakas para humakbang papunta sa kanya para ialis siya sa sitwasyon na iyon. Ang mga paa ko, pilit kong iginalaw kahit pa nakita ko na lang na para akong lumulubog sa isang kumunoy. Paano ako aahon?

Tinawag ko ulit ang pangalan niya pero hindi na niya ako nilingon pa. Lumakas ang hangin na dahilan kung bakit nawalan din siya ng balanse at tuluyan na siyang nalaglag. Pilit ko siyang hinabol kahit pa lumulubog ako.

No! Not like this!

Sinisigaw ko pa rin ang pangalan niya kahit pa walang boses na lumalabas sa bibig ko.

Maxene!

Maxene!

Maxene!

Maxene!

"MAXENE!" halos maubusan ako ng hininga nang magising ako. Panaginip. Isa lamang iyong panaginip Travis, kumbinsi ko sa sarili ko kahit pa kulang na lang ay kumawala ang puso ko sa dibdib ko. Ang bigat, bigat sa dibdib. Hindi lang naman ito ang unang beses na dinalaw ako ulit ng panaginip na iyon tungkol kay nanay. Kahit anong kulong ko sa bahagi na iyon ng buhay ko, hindi ko kayang labanan ang takot at panghihina ko sa tuwing nakikita ko iyon sa panaginip ko na parang kahapon lang nangyari ang lahat.

Nanginginig ang mga kamay ko. Niyakap ko ang sarili ko. Kumalma ka. Kalma. Pilit kong inaalis ang eksena na iyon sa utak ko ngunit nasundan pa iyon ng pagkahulog ni Maxene sa bangin na iyon kung saan ko siya nakita noon.

Ligtas si Maxene. Panaginip lang iyon. Nahila mo siya pabalik. Kalma lang Travis. Kalma lang.

Hindi ko magawang kumbinsihin ang sarili ko dahil alam kong wala siya sa guestroom. Naalala ko ulit ang mukha niya noong inatake siya. Mas dumoble ang pag-aalala ko. Dapat talaga ay hindi ako umalis. Dapat hindi ko siya iniwan mag-isa.

Bumalik ako sa condo niya, wala akong pakialam kung anong oras na. I want my peace of mind. Kapag nakita kong okay lang siya, aalis na lang din ako agad.

Bakit ka pa aalis kung nandoon ka na? I shake my head as I dismiss that thought. Responsibilidad ko siya at kung anong mangyari sa kanya, mananagot ako sa Mommy niya.

Diretso akong pumasok sa unit niya dahil binigyan naman niya ako ng susi sa condo niya. Naging usapan na rin namin na bigyan ng duplicate key ang isa't-isa para kung sakaling may mangyari, hindi na kami mahihirapan pang pumasok sa kani-kanilang naming bahay. Less hassle, lalo na kung emergency.

Pagkabukas ko ng unit niya, walang ilaw na nakabukas sa loob. Madilim ang buong unit niya. Inayos ko ang sarili ko at binuksan ang ilaw kahit pa kung anu-ano na naman ang tumatakbo sa isipan ko. Masyadong tahimik ang buong paligid, ni hindi bukas ang aircon ng unit niya.

Sinubukan kong silipin siya sa loob ng kwarto niya pero wala akong Maxene na nakita na natutulog sa loob.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong maramdaman. Goddamnit, where is she? I tried calling her phone but I heard it ringing around the area. Nakita ko na lang na iniwan din niya ang phone niya sa side table niya at may nakaipit na liham doon.

Travis,

Alam kong pupunta ka, kanina pa lang hindi ka mapakali dahil nakita mo akong inatake ng sakit ko. Pero huwag ka nang mag-alala pa sa akin. I'll be fine. I'll manage.

I'm sorry to leave on such short notice, but please don't worry. Don't worry, I won't do anything stupid. Nagpromise ako kay Lord, hindi ba?

I'm sorry for leaving, but please understand.

Keep smiling,
Maxene.

Nahulog ang puso ko nang makita ko ang sinulat niyang liham para sa akin. Matagal na niyang pinaghandaan ito ng hindi ko alam? Kusang lumukot ang papel sa kamay ko at napasabunot ako sa buhok ko. Ilang beses na akong nagmura na halos hindi ako makahinga ng maayos.

Is this her leaving me?

No.

Not yet!

We have a deal.

Think Travis. Pilit kong inayos ang sarili ko sa emosyon na nagtatangkang kumalat mula sa dibdib ko.

Tangina bakit niya iniwan ang phone niya? Wala akong ideya kung saan siya pupunta. At anong oras na! Disoras na ng gabi! Tangina bakit niya ito ginawa? Ano ba ang pumasok sa isipan ng babaeng iyon?

I stood up as I checked every corner of her unit to find some clues, yet I found nothing. Hindi ko alam kung saan ko ilalabas ang galit ko pero nasuntok ko na lang ang pader ng kwarto niya sa inis ko. Unti-unti kong naramdaman ang sakit na natamo ng kamao ko. Bakit, bakit siya umalis?

Sino ang nakakaalam kung nasaan siya ngayon?

Kailangan ko mag-isip ng maayos. I realized that I haven't checked her phone yet. Maybe I'll try my luck there. But then again, I have no idea what her lock code is. Tangina naman talaga! Paano ko bubuksan ang cellphone niya kung may passcode?

Kumalma ka. Mag-isip ka ng maayos. Ilang beses ko nang sinasabi iyon sa utak ko pero hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ko malabanan ang sarili kong isip sa nangyayari sa paligid ko ngayon.

I typed in her birthday. Error.

I typed in her ex's birthday. Error ulit.

Shit! I've never been this impatient in my life. I can't understand myself anymore. I can't think straight. What the fuck is going on with me?

Bakit ba ako nandito sa condo niya at nag-aaksaya ng panahon para hanapin kung nasaan siya? Malamang may dahilan siya para umalis. Pero dapat ko pa ba siyang habulin?

Naririnig mo ba ang sarili mo Travis? Bakit mo hahabulin ang babaeng pansamantala lang na mananatili sa tabi mo? How can I reason myself from that argument?

Maybe I'm just wasting my time. Maybe I'm running towards a dead end. Maybe she left because she doesn't want to be found.

Muli kong inilapag ang cellphone niya sa side table niya ngunit napansin ko rin agad ang naka-ipit na ticket doon sa likuran ng phone case niya. This is the ticket when we-

I took another chance to open her phone and key in the combinations of that date when we watched that movie together.

Para akong batang nanalo sa isang laro nang mapagtagumpayan kong buksan ko ang cellphone niya gamit ng mga numero na iyon at bago pa maglaro sa isipan ko kung bakit iyon ang password ng cellphone niya, agad kong sinilip ang inbox niya. May mga messages doon na galing sa dalawa niyang kapatid at sa parents niya. Mostly hindi pa niya binubura ang mga text messages ko sa kanya na hindi ko inaasahang gagawin niya dahil puro short messages lang naman iyon sa tuwing nag-uupdate siya sa akin.

I suddenly remembered the recent call she got. I browsed her call history and I saw Bridgette's number, I dialed her number and she answered after six rings, "M-Maxene, hello?" boses naalimpungatan ni Bridgette.

"Bridgette, it's Travis." diretso kong ani, "Maxene is gone and I don't know where she went, do you have any idea where she could be?"

"Uhmm..." she pauses. Huwag na huwag niya akong tutulugan- "Nag-email ako sa kanya regarding sa taong pinapa-imbestigahan at pinapahanap niya. You'll see it sa email na naka-attached. Baka doon siya nagpunta."

"Can at least give me a head start?" Who could that person be?

"Si Kenzo." she answered, "Si Kenzo Mihara."

"Thank you." I ended the call as I got the answer I needed. I'm heading towards a dead end.

Wala namang kaso sa akin na bumalik siya kay Kenzo. Ako pa nga ang nagsabi sa kanya na tutulungan ko siya. Pero bakit niya ito itinago sa akin?

I know where this would end in the first place, yet why am I still here? Hindi ko napigilan ang sarili kong tingnan ang nilalaman ng phone niya. Hindi ko naman ito gawain pero-

I opened her gallery and saw tons of pictures of us together. Mostly stolen shot pictures of me. Talagang itinataon niyang hindi ako nakatingin. May ibang tulog ako, nakatingin sa malayo, nakain, yung itsura ko noong naospital ako at ang huling picture kung saan nakita ko ang sarili ko na nakangiting pinagmamasdan ang cellphone ko. Ito yung- ito yung katext ko si Monique.

Why does she have to save these pictures? Why does she have to save every reaction I have?

'I see you Travis.'

Her voice resonated with me and I don't know why those words made a tear fall from my face.

The last time I cried was when I saw how my mother hung herself. I haven't cried since then. I tell myself that I'm not weak so I don't cry. I restricted myself from feeling the pain everytime I see my brother's face in my head as he curses me for what I did to him. I restricted myself from feeling I shouldn't feel after Monique dismissed my feelings for her.

"Pinapayagan mo ba ang sarili mong umiyak?"

Kapag umiyak ako, magiging mahina ako. Kapag nanghina ako, madudurog ako. Kapag nadurog ako, wala na akong silbi.

Pero kahit anong laban ko sa sarili kong luha, hindi ko na ito mapigilan pa kasabay ng emosyon na pilit kong kinokontrol sa dibdib ko.

Alam ko naman kung paano ito matatapos, pero susubaybayan ko pa rin ito hanggang sa huli.

I hate losing, but it's too late when I realize that I already am.