Chapter 12 : Your Guardian Angel

T R A V I S

"I'm sorry Travis." those were the last words she said and left without looking back. I opened my eyes and saw darkness. I'm in my bedroom reminiscing the moments when she's still with me.

Monique left because she couldn't forgive herself for what I have become for loving her this much. She blames herself for pushing me through my limits and made a terrible mistake that I know I cannot undo.

She left me because she couldn't forgive herself for what I have become for loving her this much.

I don't know how many minutes have passed and I realized that I'm lying next to her.

Maxene.

I didn't expect that our first night together would turn out to be this way. She's in a deep sleep, but she's still crying. I wonder what she's dreaming of, maybe she's dreaming of him.

I couldn't help ignoring how her soft lips bled because of me. Even her wrist was slightly bruised because of what I did. Gusto ko siyang hawakan, pero baka masaktan ko siya ulit.

Yet it was her voice that called for me from the abyss of my heart. Maybe the demon inside me will never leave me for he's indeed a part of me. But I couldn't let him hurt Maxene.

Control. Contain. Lock your demons away. Try harder Travis.

Kinumutan ko siya para hindi siya malamigan at pinagmasdan ang natutulog niyang mukha.

This is the first time someone allows me to be selfish.

This is the first time someone lights my way out from the darkness.

This is the first time that someone stayed after seeing how ugly my soul is.

This is the first time I felt like I was given hope.

Rule number 5: no cuddling.

I couldn't help but laugh at myself. I should go before I forget the rules we agreed on. I throw the rubber I used in the bathroom and get myself some clothes and put it on. I looked at her before I left the room and was glad that she's no longer crying.

I wonder how she'll react in the morning. Will she regret it? Will she hate me? Will she leave me? That last question had a definite answer. Of course she'll leave because she'll go with her Kenzo.

One day I'll set her free. One day, I'll just be someone from her memory for this is just temporary.

I went outside the room and found myself looking in front of the mirror again. Masyado na ata akong nalulunod sa mga kasalanan na ginawa ko. Alam ko naman na lahat ng mga ginawa ko ay walang kapatawaran, pero hindi ko ito pinagsisisihan. Ginawa ko lang kung ano ang dapat kahit pa may maapakan akong ibang tao. Wala akong pakialam kung may masaktan dahil sa buhay kapag mahina ka, mabilis kang matatalo.

In order to win a fight, you should know your enemy's weakness and hit him where it'll hurt him the most. You have to break someone, for them to rebuild themselves better.

Pain changes people. Perhaps what they say is true about me, I am a demon in disguise.

I closed my eyes as memories of my childhood visit me like a scene in a movie, "Masaya ako sa tuwing nakikita kita," sambit ng inosenteng bata sa harapan ko, "Huwag ka sanang magbago, idol na idol kita Kuya." everything was different then. My choices lead me to where I am now and I am aware that I'm losing myself from the person I was in exchange of what I thought was worth fighting for. Umasa ako na kapag iyon ang sinugal ko, pipiliin na niya ako. Akala ko kapag sinabi ko na ang lahat sa kanya, mananatili siya sa buhay ko, pero hindi.

Umalis si Monique na hawak pa rin niya ang puso ko. Pinangako ko sa kanya na hihintayin ko siya kahit pa wala akong nakuhang sagot sa kanya. Maghihintay ako. Hihintayin ko siya hanggang sa maubos ako na parang kandila dahil siya na lang ang meron ako. Kahit siya na lang, sapat na sa akin iyon.

I approach the full view glass window and see the night skies. There's no stars tonight, maybe it'll rain. Even the moon hides from the clouds. Darkness is where I'll always be and I know that no matter how hard I try I know I cannot redeem myself from my past. No matter how many masks I wear; still at the end of the day, I'm still inconspicuous.

'I see you.' I heard her voice in my head, "What are you doing?" this time I turned my back to see her and noticed that she's at my bedroom door squinting as if she's adjusting her eyes.

I cross my arms while looking at her, "What's up?"

She yawned, stretched and she didn't care how weird she looked. She scratched her head and her bed hair is noticeable. She's wearing the shirt I left on the floor. My shirt looks like a dress to her and I couldn't ignore how beautiful her legs are. I remember how I squished those thighs earlier feeling her warmth. I closed my eyes, setting that memory aside.

Is she playing with me? Looking at her reaction, she's not.

In fact she's still half-asleep walking into my kitchen. I couldn't help but chuckle, how oddly cute was that?

I approached her but it seems like she's sleep-walking, "Are you aware of what you're doing?" I asked her and saw her opening my fridge.

She threw a huge sigh after she found nothing and looked back at me. Those big round hazel brown eyes show obvious discontent, "I'm hungry Travis." she speaks like a child. I couldn't contain myself to laugh at her, "What's funny?" she frowned.

"You can eat something else." I said with a playful smile on my face but she just hissed at me. I wonder what reaction she'll give when I tell her, "All I got is sausage and two eggs." I want to have fun first.

She looked at me with a stoic face, "Fine, lalabas na lang ako." she says monotonously. Wait what? Wearing that? She's not serious, right?

Before I could react she's already near the door. Shit, she's serious. I rushed towards her and closed the door immediately. She glared at me like one hungry vixen.

"Ako na lang ang bibili ng pagkain, hintayin mo na lang ako dito," she narrowed her eyes at me. I think I still have to convince her, "I'm sorry for my bad joke," her eyes soften for a while, "Am I forgiven?" I tilted my head to see her eyes.

"Masakit ang ulo ko, kaya bilhan mo na ako ng pagkain Travis!" inis niyang ani at para akong na-tanga dahil nasindak ako sa tono ng boses niya na kulang na lang ay bumuga siya ng apoy. I wore my slippers and went out immediately.

I think drunk Maxene is more tolerable than a hungry Maxene.

Sinobrahan ko na ang binili kong pagkain, alam ko naman na matakaw siya eh; pero sana sapat na ito. Nang makabalik na ako sa penthouse, nakita ko siya sa loob ng music room na tumutugtog ng gitara. Nilagay ko muna ang mga pagkain sa lamesa saka ko siya balak tawagin.

I opened the door and heard how she strummed and played the song Your Guardian Angel by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. 

I listened to how she slowly plays it and I didn't expect that she'll sing the song too.

[I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven.

You're my, my
My true love
My whole heart
Please don't throw that away]

She never fails to amaze me. I didn't know that she could sing beautifically like this.

Nang malapit na siya sa bridge ng kanta, she's trying to check if her notes were right. Umupo ako sa likuran niya at naramdaman na nagulat siya sa presensya ko. I guide her fingers at my guitar and I can feel she's looking at me so I look back at her and smile, "Finish the song," I uttered like a request, she smiles and strums again. 

I remembered that Gerard told us that he and Maxene took music class when they're young. Halata namang kinakapa pa ni Maxene yung notes, kaya mabagal siya magstrum. I can say she's getting a little rusty. But it's not that bad, especially when her singing voice supports the instrument she's playing. 

I just have the urge to sing with her and I did.

[Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray.
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven.]

I didn't realize that our voices just rhymed like that. I'm really impressed, but I'll just try to hide it before she acts all high and mighty again. I clapped at her like I'm her audience and saw how she looked at me giving me a weak smile. May namumuo na namang luha sa mga mata niya. Bakit ba napakaiyakin ng babaeng 'to?

"Iyakin ka ngayon 'no?" natatawa kong kumento habang pinupunasan ang luha niya gamit ng hinlalaki ko.

"Akala ko kasi pinagtatawanan mo ako." she says awkwardly. I know that it was just a made up excuse and stood up returning where she found my guitar. I approached her and she immediately looked back at me, forcing out a smile. I feel like I have to say something, but I don't know what. Her head just landed on my chest, "Travis," she uttered my name softly, "Umiyak ka na ba?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Pinapayagan mo ba ang sarili mong umiyak?" I don't know what force made me cage her in my arms.

"You're talking nonsense," I say, "Baka gutom lang iyan."

She forces out a laugh and pushes me so she can look right through me. I want to look away or close my eyes because it feels like she's reading my thoughts, "I'm sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable." she gradually pulls herself away from me, "Oo nga, gutom lang ito." she turned her back away from me. When she reaches the door she looks back at me with a friendly face, "For what's worth, I want you to know that it's okay to be selfish in front of me," she paused as her eyes smiles at me, "Whatever faces you might show me, I'm going to accept them all."

She barely knows me, yet how can she say such words that affect me like this?

She left and I saw her go straight to the dining area. She's now outside grabbing some plates and starting to eat without me.

I looked at the picture frame that is located at the corner of the music room. I hope she didn't see that. I think she didn't even notice it since she didn't ask anything about it. I hid the picture frame before she could even notice it.

M A X E N E

Ang sarap ng roasted chicken at liempo, sana sinagad na niya at bumili siya ng barbecue. Tsk!

Pangalawang baso na ata ni Travis ng kape. Sinabayan man niya ako kanina pero parang tinikman niya lang yung binili niyang pagkain na dapat ay pang dalawahang tao naman. Bahala siya diyan, basta kakain ako, "Dahan dahan naman," natatawang aniya, "Mamaya mabilaukan ka."

"Che! Ewan ko sa'yo." sagot ko sa kanya at nakangiting umiling lang siya sa reaksyon ko. Mas okay na ito, hindi katulad ng kanina. I like 'this' Travis. But I can sense that he's trying to keep me at bay. I just have to ask him, "Are you okay?"

He looks at me with that same playful face, "Can you be more specific with your question?" he's laughing at me, "Because I know I felt great." I just knew what he meant. Napakapilyo naman talaga, "How about you?"

Gusto ko man siya patulan pero bago pa man maiba ang usapan, gusto kong malaman, "I mean, are you still angry at me?"

"Why would I be angry at you?" he's assessing my reaction.

"I don't know, maybe you hated me." I ate some chicken and rice. I think I asked the wrong question since I see he's loosening himself. Dapat ba, iyon ang tinanong ko? Umiwas ako ng tingin dahil inoobserbahan niya ako.

"Is this about what happened earlier, at the bar?" dahil mas ito na ang pinag-uusapan namin, mas mabuting malaman ko na rin. Tsaka na lang siguro yung iba pa. I nod at him and see a sudden relief from his face, still he's looking at me with precaution, "Let me ask you a question."

"Sure."

"Are you thinking of considering Pierre's offer?"

"Sinagot ko naman iyon bago tayo umalis doon, hindi ba?"

"Is that your real answer?" he asks me with uncertainty.

"That is my real answer." I meet his gaze but it feels like he's not convinced, "Don't tell me duda ka sa akin?"

He shakes his head with a weak smile on his face, "Aren't you afraid," his eyes found mine, "Of me?" Before I could even answer him he looked away laughing at himself, "You know what, you really don't have to answer that question." he forces to put up a smile, puts his mug in the sink and walks straight to his bedroom.

Is that what he's thinking?

"Travis," I ran towards him and faced him, "You doubt me?"

He looks at me impassively with uncertainty in his eyes, he tilts his head beside, "What else should I think?" he crosses his arms as if he's protecting himself from me, "I heard everything Maxene," his voice almost sounded defeated, "Ikaw ang unang nagduda sa akin, hindi ba?"

"Can I at least," I don't know what else to say but I don't like the idea that this is how he understands it.

"Just tell me if you change your mind." he avoids me, "Matutulog na ako."

"The answer is NO, Travis." I said out loud before he stepped inside his bedroom, "I'm not considering his offer, though at first I was tempted to," I admitted, "But I choose you." I tell him as I noticed how he controls his breathing, "Mas tiwala ako sa iyo kaysa sa kanya." he didn't look back, though I still wanted him to know, "Even if this is just temporary arrangement," I paused, but I'm not yet done, "You're more than enough for me." I said almost in a whisper.

Did I say it right?

I look down feeling a little embarrassed. I don't want him to misunderstand my words as something else. By the time I look at him, he is eyeing at me carefully, "You should use your words right." he reprimanded, His words made me feel insecure. I looked away, "But thank you." I look back at him until he closes the door between us.

*****

THE NEXT morning I woke up realizing that I'm all alone in his penthouse. Mukhang maaga siyang umalis ng hindi man lang nagpaalam sa akin. Usually naman sabay kaming umaalis ng penthouse, pero bakit ngayon parang iniiwasan niya na ako? Odd.

So ano na lang yung kagabi? Joke joke lang? Teka nga, bakit ba ako naiinis?

Sa totoo nga lang hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ako pumayag. Bigla kong naalala ang itsura niya kagabi. Do I pity him? Do I feel bad because we're on the same boat? Baka kung ano-ano lang ang naiisip ko o malala baka ako lang ang nag-iisip ng ganito.

Bumalik na lang ako sa condo ko at doon na kumain ng agahan mag-isa. Gladly my schedule is free today, maybe mom thought na lagi rin kami magkasama ni Travis. Getting to know each other-kuno. Well that's true, but not all the time. He has law school, so mas busy siyang tao kaysa sa akin. Eh ako naman madalas taong-condo lang, gamer, anonymous streamer minsan, nagmomodel din ako, minsan extra sa commercials at sa TV guesting. Bihira lang ako magkaroon ng maluwag na schedule tulad ngayon at inaamin ko na hindi ako mapirme sa bahay. I'm so bored, I wanna go out. Pero dapat ko pa ba ipaalam iyon kay Travis? Well sabi rin naman niya mag message ako sa kanya para alam niya kung saan ako pupulutin kapag nag pakalasing na naman daw ako.

Besides, siguro, for now ayoko muna siya sagarin sa inis. Masama rin pala pinupuno mo ang isang tao. I texted him bago ako lumabas ng condo.

Me: TJ, I'll be out for a while. Bored sa condo eh. Ingat!

I call him TJ sa text. It's his initials. Tamad lang talaga ako magtype. Ayoko naman siya tawagan, mamaya may klase siya. Nakalimutan ko tingnan yung schedule niya kanina bago ako umalis ng penthouse niya, hindi ko naman kinopya iyon dahil para saan pa, sheesh! My phone vibrates the same time the elevator opens. I received a text from him.

TJ: Okay, just keep me posted kung saan ka pupunta. I may catch you later.

Nagpagalagala ako sa mall at naka-commoner disguise ako. Para hindi rin agaw pansin. I'm wearing a denim long skirt, a checkered loose shirt, a bonnet, my favorite nerdy glasses and a pair of rubber shoes.

Hindi sa kalayuan napansin ko si Pierre may kasamang babae, siguro kalandian niya iyon? He even admits that he's enjoying his youth while he still can. Rich-kid problem lang talaga kapag ang tingin sayo ng parents mo ay asset sa company nila. Hindi ko na rin siya nasundan ng tingin at ayoko naman makita niya ako dito kaya agad na rin akong naglakad palayo sa direksyon kung saan sila naglalakad ng kasama niyang babae kanina.

Namasyal ako, nag-window shopping at halos tabuyin ako kanina sa jewelry store dahil lang pang-low class ang attire ko. Kanina napagtripan pa ako ng mga ilang kababaihan doon. I just ignored them, ayoko rin naman ng gulo.

I received another text from Travis.

TJ: Where are you? I'm in the mall already.

I want to tease him a bit, since na-stress ako ng mga mapangmatang tao kanina.

Me: Hanapin mo. :P

TJ: Ang dami-daming tao, just tell me where you at. Pahihirapan mo pa ako.

Ang sama ko na lang talaga kung siya ang gagawin kong outlet dahil badtrip ako. Mabuti pang ibahin ko na lang ang takbo ng usapan namin. Mamaya pagod din siya galing school tapos dadagdag pa ako.

Me: I'll tell you what, if you find me, I'll reward you.

I don't know why I said that, siguro inaasahan ko na papatulan niya ang trip ko lalo at may makukuha siyang reward kapag nahanap niya ako. Well good luck with that!

TJ: Will I like this reward? >:)

Natawa ako. Pati ba naman sa text, pilyo siya? Kailan pa siya natutong gumamit ng emoji? Papatulan ko siya at magtatago sa crowd. Akala niya ah. Game on Hayes!

Me: It depends pa. ;) Kung mahanap mo ako. >:D

TJ: Magtago ka na kung ganoon.

Patingin-tingin ako sa paligid, mamaya niyan ako ang maisahan niya. I should keep on moving. Hindi ko alam kung bakit natutuwa ako at pinatulan nga niya ang trip ko. Pero natatakot ako sa pwede niyang i-demand, dapat talaga ay hindi niya ako mahanap!

Biglang akong nabunggo sa mga kababaihan na nilait-lait ako kanina. Laki-laki ng daan, pakiramdam ko pinagkakaisahan ako ng mga ito. Pero kailangan kong magpakumbaba, "I'm sorry."

"Lookie, it's the nerdy girl again."

"Ang lakas ng loob mo bunguin kami." Uh, there's this term accident. Kaya nga nag-apologize, hindi ba?

"I told you I'm sorry." I said humbly again.

"Natabunan ng kape ang sapatos ko dahil sa'yo. Alam mo bang Jimmy Choo iyan?" Duh, I know it's a JC. Max, focus. Calm down. She assesses my clothes, raising her eyebrow at me, "I don't even think you can pay for it."

Tumungo ako ng dalawang beses, "I'm really sorry, paano ba ako makakabawi?" dali na at baka mahanap ako nung tinataguan ko. Wala akong panahon para sa mga entitled wanna be's na ito!

"Lick my shoes, I might forgive you." this bitch demanded with a smirk on her face. Kung pwede lang patulan ko siya, papatulan ko talaga siya. But I have to stay hidden among the crowd. Nakakagigil! "What are you doing nerd, come on. Kneel, bend your head and lick my shoes."

Para matapos na lang, sige na nga! Gagawin ko na lang!

Lumuhod ako sa harapan niya pero bago ko pa man magawa yung inuutos niya, natigilan ako nang--

"What the?" tiningnan ko yung babae na ngayon ay buong damit na niya ang natapunan ng kape.

"Ayan, para terno na ang sapatos mo sa damit mo. Kaamoy pa."

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