M A X E N E

I sat at the bar while I saw them arranging the set.

I got myself a tasty looking drink prepared by the bartender. It is new on the menu with a shade of royal blue.

"Ang sosyal naman nito. Mukhang premium." I commended the bartender and see him smiling at me. After taking a good picture for a souvenir I smelled it before putting the glass on my lips. It smells good. Unfortunately before I could drink it, Travis drank it all for me that left me dumbfounded.

The heck!?

Kung titingnan akala mo tubig lang iyon para sa kanya. Kokota na siya sa akin, nang aasar na naman ba siya?

He smirks at me and hands the bartender some cash. "Don't give her anything hard. Kapag sinuhulan ka ng babaeng 'to, ipapatanggal kita sa trabaho." The bartender humbly oblidged as he makes me a other drink.

"Agaw trip ka." mahina kong singhal sa kanya.

"I don't want to carry a drunk woman after tonight." taas kilay niyang lait sa akin.

I puffed my face, seeing him shaking his head at me and as soon as I saw him getting back on stage, I roll my eyes at him.

Pangit ni Hayes!

Malait ko nga siya para makaganti lang.

Akala niya ah, solid Radcliffe fan ito! Nagmamagaling lang talaga ang isang Travis Hayes.

Inabutan ako ng bartender ng juice dahil iyon lang daw ang pwede niyang iabot sa akin na kamukha ng sinerve niya sa akin kanina.

Napatingin ako kay Travis at nakitang nakangisi siya sa direksyon ko. Binelatan ko siya. Dakilang epal talaga siya ng buhay ko!

Ito ba ang inutos niya sa bartender? Juice? Ano ako bata? Ni softdrink wala? Root beer? He's unbelievable!

Kinawayan ako ni Gerard kung nasaan ako, kaya kinawayan ko rin siya pabalik. Nang nakita kong nagpapansin din sila Joshua at Pierre sa akin, hindi ko mapigilan na irapan sila. Bahala nga sila diyan!

Nagsimula na silang tumugtog at ininom ko yung juice ko gamit ng straw. Inalis ko yung maliit na payong sa baso ko at nang narinig ko ang boses ni Travis agad akong lumingon na makitang nasa kanya yung spotlight.

He's playing his guitar while he's eyes are closed. The music plays Disenchanted by My Chemical Romance. The song itself plays for him. I don't know why I said that because it feels like he is singing this song for himself.

[I hate the ending myself
But it started with an alright scene...

It was the roar of the crowd
That gave me heartache to sing
It was a lie when they smiled
And said, you won't feel a thing...

If I'm so wrong, how can you listen all night long?
Now will it matter after I'm gone?

Because you never learn a goddamn thing
You're just a sad song with nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I'm wrong
This never meant nothing to ya

So go, go away. Just go, run away
But, where did you run to?
And where did you hide?
Go find another way
Price you pay.]

Hindi ko maalis ang mga mata ko sa kanya na para bang sa kantang ito niya ipinapadaan ang ilang emosyong hindi niya mapakita sa ibang tao. The emotions in his face always find their way to hide in the shadows because he doesn't want to be seen.

Bakit Travis? Bakit lagi kang nagtatago sa mundo?

Hindi ko alam kung bakit bigla akong napaiyak sa ideya na iyon. Maybe I'm just a little emotional because it is indeed a sad song sung from the heart. Parang ang pinaparating ng kanta doon ay kung mawawala na siya, magiging maayos na ang lahat sa paligid niya.

Matapos nila tumugtog ay pinalipat ako ng apat na mokong sa booth, para raw private. I looked at Travis and he just give me one of those friendly smile of his kahit na sa likod ng mga mata niya kulang na lang ay maging manhid siya sa mga taong nakapaligid sa kanya. I can't help wondering, are they even his real friends? If not, then why does he keep them close? Dahil ba isang banda sila? Dahil ba sa galing sila sa isang high school o may iba pang dahilan?

Hindi naman ako pwedeng magtanong.

"So Maxene, how about we start over, ayoko naman na hindi tayo maging friendly sa isa't isa, knowing na fiance ka pala ni Travis." pagsuyo sa akin ni Pierre.

"Only if you apologize." sumandal ako sa upuan na iniinom ulit ang juice ko, pangatlong juice ko na ata 'to.

"Grabe ka Max C." bungad sa akin ni Gerard, "Nakikipagbati na nga sayo yung tao eh."

I made a proud face, "It wasn't much to ask," I said pouting so I wouldn't intimidate these guys. Mahirap na baka walang tumulong sa akin kapag kinuyog nila ako, angalang tulungan ako ni Travis eh tropa niya ang mga ito. Tsk! "Hindi ba kayo tinuruan sa school ng good morals and right conduct?" I shake my head as if I'm a little disappointed at them, "Dinaig ko pa kayo na nasa homeschool."

"Well if usapang school lang naman-" Joshua was about to speak but Pierre cut him and leaned at the table facing me with a gentle face.

"I'm sorry." I didn't expect the twist of events and neither did the people around this booth, "How can I be forgiven?"

"How sincere are you?" I'm still not going to buy it. I don't know, I just don't. Maybe I'm just being stubborn.

"How can I prove myself then?" masigasig si Pierre ha. Anong meron?

"P, mukhang hindi naman na kailangan," nag-aatubiling ani Joshua sa kaibigan na napapakamot sa kanyang ulo, "Nagbibiro lang naman si Maxene."

"You don't really need to prove anything to Maxene, Pierre," sagot sa kanya ni Travis at uminom ng beer, "If you're sincere, then she'll forgive you." Tiningnan ako ni Travis at tinanguhan. By the look of his eyes, he's just wanted me to go easy on his friend. I let out a huge sigh.

"Fine. We can be friends." I say, still crossing my arms.

"Eh ako?" singit ni Joshua, "Bati na ba tayo?" inirapan ko siya at tinaguhan, "Sungit mo naman, nahahawa ka na ata dito kay Travis." at narinig ko lang na tinawanan ni Travis ang kaibigan niya.

A firm line forms at my lips and I force out a smile acting like an innocent girl, "Sige bati na rin tayo Joshua."

"Nakakatuwa naman at friends na tayong lahat dito, cheers!" toast ni Gerard. Napangiti na lang ako at napailing. Pasalamat kayo at tropa niyo 'tong nasa tabi ko.

"Pero, olats ka pa din Ge." banat sa kanya ni Joshua, "Ekis na si Maxene, maghanap ka ng ibang kunwaring jojowain mo."

"Ulol. Sige hanap tayo dito sa bar, padamihan ng makukuhang number ng mga babae, ano?" ganito ba talaga sila? Ligalig!

Napansin ko na tinitignan pa rin ako ni Pierre at napapatingin din siya kay Travis na nakatingin sa mga kaibigan nila. Umiwas na lang ako ng tingin dahil hindi talaga ako kumportable kung paano niya ako tingnan.

"Guys, guys, kung magpapaligsahan kayo doon kayo. Ang ingay niyo, para kayong mga bata." awat ni Travis sa mga kaibigan at kaagad namang umalis ang dalawa sa booth. Tiningnan ko siya, "What?" he raises an eyebrow assessing me.

"Wala, genius." nagawa niyang utuin ang mga kaibigan niya.

"Masakit sa ulo kapag nagpapaligsahan ang dalawang iyon." paliwanag niya kahit hindi ko naman tinatanong. Tumayo siya mula sa kinauupuan niya.

"Where are you going?" I asked. Ayoko magpaiwan dito ng kasama si Pierre.

"Restroom." nakangising sagot niya sa akin na para bang tinutukso niya ako. Hinampas ko siya at natawa naman siya ulit. Sobra talaga sa pagkapilyo ang taong iyon.

"You know, I never really get to see Travis with another woman than Monique before." Pierre opened up a conversation, "Just looking at how you look at him, be careful, you might fall at walang sasalo sa'yo."

"I can manage." I lied. I drink my juice pero tinabihan ako ni Pierre. I gulped. Inakbayan niya ako at hindi ko alam kung bakit nanigas na lang ang katawan ko sa presensya niya.

"If you're betting on him, you're going to lose Maxene," he paused, looking into my eyes, "Take my friendly advice, I'm telling you to give up on him."

"What does it have to do with you Pierre?" hindi ko maiwasang itanong sa kanya.

"I told you, I like you Maxene." here we go again, "I can tell that you don't like Travis, right?"

"I really don't want people to intervene with my decisions." I snapped. I know I don't like Travis in a romantic way, but I like him as a person. He's different from the other guys I dated. Pilyo siya, oo. But he treats me with great respect.

"Well, I'm not intervening, I'm actually helping you." he said almost in a whisper, "I am better than him. I hold no commitments and like you I'm also my parent's asset," bigla akong napatingin sa kanya, "Kaya, habang single pa ako, I'm doing everything I want to enjoy my life before I lose my freedom."

So, he's like me? In some way? "I didn't expect that." I wasn't able to hold back my thoughts, "What I mean is-"

"We're in the same boat Maxene," he says drinking his beer, "To our parents, it's just money, influence and honor. Two people arranged from a prestigious family is a huge investment. Now tell me, am I wrong?"

Pagbibigyan ko siya, "I'm listening." I said and I saw him smile.

"What I'm trying to say is," he leans closer, "You can't bet on someone who has ties in the past. Sinasabi ko na ito sayo, dahil kapag nagkagipitan, ikaw ang bibitawan ni Travis." biglang may kung anong kumirot sa puso ko, "Dahil para sa kanya, si Monique lang ang mamahalin niya. Ganoon siya ka-loyal sa babaeng iyon." isa lang ang masasabi ko, ang swerte naman ni Monique, "Hindi ba niya nakukwento sa iyo si Monique?" I look away. I attempted to ask, but I know it's not allowed. Nasa kasunduan namin iyon.

Rule number 4: Don't ever ask anything personal.

"Isa sa dahilan kung bakit naging kaibigan ko si Travis ay dahil, maaasahan siyang tunay talaga. Simula pa noong mga bata kami, kilala ko na siya at noong araw na iniwan si Monique ng taong kinababaliwan niya dati na halos ikabaliw niya iyon sa sakit-" natatawang umiling si Pierre habang iniinom ang beer niya, "Lintik lang ang walang ganti. Nakita mo na ba magalit 'yang si Travis? Mas demonyo pa sa akin yun eh."

Bigla kong naalala ang itsura niya noong hinarap niya si Brandon.

"He'll do everything for Monique. Halos ipapatay nga niya sa bugbog ang yung taong iyon, maiganti lang ang sakit na ibinigay ng taong iyon kay Monique." sunod-sunod na kwento ni Pierre, "He even tries to win her heart by pretending to be that same guy. But seriously, he's not as good as you can see. Napakagaling lang talaga niyang magpanggap." hindi ko alam kung bakit wala akong masabi sa mga naririnig ko kay Pierre. Baka nga hindi ko pa lubusang kilala si Travis. Pero may kung ano sa dibdib ko na nagsasabi na mali ang sinasabi ni Pierre sa akin.

Dahil hindi ganoon si Travis.

T R A V I S

ANONG KALOKOHAN ITO? 

Ito ba ang dahilan kung bakit nakipag-ayos siya kay Maxene? Bakit ba hindi pa rin tinatantanan ni Pierre ang fiance ko? Ilang minuto lang akong nawala sa booth. Tapos ngayon, heto silang dalawa magkatabi at malapit sa isa’t-isa.

Isa na naman ba ito sa biro mo, Pierre?

Kusang kumuyom ang kamay ko nang mas lumapit pa sila sa isa’t-isa. Kulang na lang magdikit ang pisngi nila. Hindi ko alam kung bakit may kung anong tinik na sumakal sa lalamunan ko nang makita ko kung paano niya akbayan si Maxene.

Mukhang seryoso ang pinag-uusapan nilang dalawa, dumiretso ako sa booth para mas mapakinggan silang dalawa. Pero masyado ata silang abala para mapansin ang presensya ko.

Anong pinaplano mo Pierre? 

"I suggest, you should select another possible candidate to be your fiance." nakapalumbabang Ani Pierre kay Maxene, "Kaya naman kitang kunin sa kanya, habang maaga pa. Habang wala ka pang sinusugal sa kanya."

What the hell was that supposed to mean Pierre? 

Hindi pa ba malinaw sa kanya ang sinabi ko?

Back off. She's mine.

"I'm not really betting anything." her voice almost retreats as if she is shrinking beside him.

“Hindi pa man nagsisimula ang laro, talo ka na Maxene.” Pierre let out a small chuckle as if he successfully got inside her head.

Anong laro ito?

“Hindi kayo officially engaged, hindi ba?" tanong niya kay Maxene.

Pero ako ang pinili niya, Pierre. AKO!

"Kung tutuusin nga, mas madali mo siyang mabibitawan.” kumbinsi ni Pierre sa babaeng nakatungo sa tabi niya. 

Nagdadalawang isip na ba si Maxene ngayon? 

“Kung ako ang magiging fiance mo, wala kang aalalahanin sa akin. Solong-solo mo ako.” I gritted my teeth, holding my fists tightly. “Take my offer, Maxene.”

Baka nakakalimutan ni Maxene, may usapan kami.

Nakipagkasundo siya sa akin. Sa akin!

“You do know that I’m your best shot, right?” Pierre offers his hand towards her. 

There’s a storm raging inside my chest that I couldn’t contain anymore. 

"Maxene." the gravity of my voice almost made her jump from her seat. Halata sa mukha niya na hindi niya alam kung paano niya sisimulang magpaliwanag sa akin dahil sa narinig kong usapan nilang dalawa. Para siyang batang aksidenteng nakabasag ng pinggan nang magkatugma ang mata namin. Her eyes looks guilty, but she didn’t look away.

"Hey, dude," the opportunist arse greeted me casually, "what a coincidence we’re just talking about you."

Huwag mo siyang patulan, Travis. 

Kinuha ko ang kamay ni Maxene paalis ng booth, "Mauuna na kami." maayos akong nagpaalam sa kanya habang kaya ko pang magtimpi.

Ngunit hindi pa man din kami nakakahakbang palayo ni Maxene mula sa booth, hinila rin siya agad ni Pierre pabalik.

Nilingon ko ang isang kamay ng fiance ko na hawak-hawak ni Pierre sa pupulsuhan nito.

“Let. Her. Go.” huwag niyang sagarin ang pasensya ko ngayon. Dahil hinding hindi ko siya aatrasan!

He shook his head and scoffed, "You look exactly like that old friend of ours back in high school, naaalala mo pa ba siya?” 

Mapait akong lumunok nang maalala ko ang mukha ng taong ‘yon.

"Pierre, please let go." pakiusap ni Maxene kay Pierre, pero mas pinili niyang magmatigas. Nagawa pa niya akong ngisian na para bang sinasadya niyang sagarin ang pasensya ko. 

Kailangan kong kontrolin ang sarili ko. 

Kailangan kong ipaalala sa kanya na wala siya sa lugar–

"Sabihin mo nga Travis, kung kaharap mo si Monique ngayon, sino ang pipiliin mo sa kanilang dalawa ni Maxene?” 

Nabingi ako sa katanungan niya na iyon. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong maramdaman o kung ano ang mukhang dapat kong ipakita sa harapan nila dahil--

"Kung tutuusin hindi mo naman gusto si Maxene, hindi ba?" his voice echoes my ears, "You don't have to prove her anything because she's nothing to you."

Unting-unti akong sinasakal ng tinik sa lalamunan ko na hindi ako makasagot sa harapan niya.

Dapat ko na bang bitawan si Maxene?

"Sino ang pipiliin mo Travis, yung fake so-called fiance mo. O ang babaeng pinakamamahal mo?" 

The weight of that truth drags me down.

It pulls me down like an anchor submerging into the deepest part of the ocean.

Everything around me starts to get darker and even my own shadow overwhelms me.

There’s no certainty in a temporary phase, nor a definite future. 

M A X E N E

I looked at Travis and saw hesitation, sadness and pain in his eyes. Pierre is breaking something in him and I don't like it. I hate it.

"He doesn't have to choose either of us." I snapped back at Pierre, "If you're doing this for me to pick you Pierre, then try harder! Because right now, I don't give a shit to what you just said to me earlier." with force I took my hand away from him and slapped him again this time, harder. Harder enough for him to spit some blood from his mouth.

"You'll regret this Maxene." he gravely warned me. I didn't bother to look back at him and I headed out taking Travis away from that place.

Tahimik si Travis hanggang sa makarating kami sa parking lot. His eyes were darker than the night, "Inside the car, now." his voice demanded with a strong authority as if he's keeping himself not to get angry. I'm not comfortable facing him right now. He needs his time to steam some heat. I think it's best if umuwi na lang muna ako sa condo ko.

"I'll just take the cab, uuwi na lang din ako agad Travis." I tell him obediently but he looks at me with fire in his eyes.

"I'm not going to ask twice, Maxene." his voice warns me not to oppose him as I see how he tightened his grip on the door frame of his car. Sumunod na lang ako sa sinabi niya para hindi na siya magalit pa at kaagad din siyang sumakay ng kotse. Tahimik lang siyang nagmamaneho. Hindi ako sanay ng ganito siya. Tahimik siya hanggang sa makarating kami sa basement parking ng condo building niya. I couldn't help but feel tense around him as he dragged me out of the car until we reached the elevator.

Bakit pakiramdam ko galit din siya sa akin? Binabawi ko na yung hiniling ko na gusto ko siyang sagarin sa inis. Ngayon kasi, mukhang sasabog na siya.

Masama siyang magalit. Masamang napupuno siya ng ganito.

He's been patient with me since the day I broke his car, he's been very patient with me even if I'm pissing him off and acting immature around him. Even if I wander out in the middle of the night or went out at the bar without him knowing, he's been very patient with me, ever since.

The elevator reaches his penthouse and he drags me again inside his unit with force I can't defy. How he holds my hand hurts me. Parang hindi siya aware na kinakaladkad niya ako na halos madapa o masira na ang sapatos ko.

When we were in his living room he corners me, pushes me to the wall and his mouth devours my lips hard. Angry Travis' kisses are dominating, wild, greedy, intense and sad. Angry Travis' touches are insensitive, unpleasant, aggressive, cold and destructive. Kulang na lang punitin niya ang damit ko. Kulang na lang sakalin niya ako na halos hindi ako makahinga sa mga halik niya.

I can't breathe.

I hate this. This is not him. This can't be right. He's no demon. He can't be.

He saved me. He's my sanctuary.

His kisses made my lips bleed.

He's breaking me.

A tear fell from my eye because this is painful.

This has to stop.

"Travis stop!" I exclaimed on top of my lungs that my whole voice just echoed his place. He stops immediately looking at me like a lost soul that has been pulled out from the darkness. He's not aware of what he is doing with me. I covered my eyes and embraced myself as I felt helpless in front of him. I couldn't contain my fear seeing him like this. I can't even look at him. I couldn't stop crying like a child in front of him, "I'm sorry... please, please don't do this," I muttered between my sobs, "Come back Travis..." I whine almost a whisper.

He lost all of his strength and knelt in front of me, "Look at me," his voice almost breaks, "Maxene." with all the strength I have left, I faced him. His eyes were disoriented and deprived, he couldn't express his feelings properly with words. He closes his eyes facing me as if he just humiliated himself. His hand tries to reach my face but he controls himself not to touch me, "I'm sorry," he said, not looking at me. He's not crying but his voice does, his heart is left in ruins.

I know that I can never be Monique. I will never be. But seeing him like this, I couldn't help to ask; how can love destroy a person like this?

Is this the reason why he said he was invisible? Why couldn't she see right through him?

He couldn't even allow himself to cry from the pain that he is keeping all to himself. I couldn't help crying for him because he's not even allowing himself to be seen in this state. He's in pain but he keeps everything to himself. He masks his feelings away until darkness consumes him. He doesn't belong there.

"Travis." I called him but still he's not looking at me.

"It's better for you to leave." he speaks almost in defeat.

'I hate people leaving me.' I suddenly remembered what he said before he fell asleep on my lap. I don't know why my heart aches for him. I don't know why my hands just reach out for his face. He's fighting his demons alone all this time.

"Travis." I called out his name again.

"You mustn't see me like this." he answers with disgust and anxiety. Para siyang batang naliligaw at nanliliit sa harapan ko ngayon.

I planted a soft kiss on his forehead, "I see you."

He weakly tries to push me away from him, "Maxene, leave me." even the tone of his voice lies for him.

Bakit pati sa sarili mo ipinagkakait mo kung ano ang nararamdaman mo, Travis?

"There's one truth behind a thread of lies." I paused and saw him opening his eyes and finding its way through mine, "Is me leaving what you really want?" I asked and saw how he holds the remains of his heart, he tries to face me with a smile but even his smile is breaking. His mask is falling apart.

"Am I allowed to be selfish, for once?" his voice is soft, as if he's asking for a certain permission that he yearns to be granted.

I nod at him.

"Even if just a little while, will you stay with me?" his eyes were weak begging me.

I nod again.

He tried to touch my lips with his thumb and looked sorry for what he did.

"I will stay." I told him and for a moment, I saw that tiny light in his eyes.

He held me closer to him, delicately closing the gap between our lips. I hear this unknown melody that starts to shift from one tone to another. I hear it humming, strumming me gently. A tear fell from my eye as we shared the same air around us; panting and gasping, aching and trembling, yearning and hoping.

Who would have thought that a kiss could hurt like this?

He carefully stands me but since my legs are too weak to carry my weight at the moment, he carries me in his arms as his eyes look into my lips as if he's waiting for my permission to be granted like a lost child breathing heavily. I kissed him touching his face as little kisses grew from a sprout to a full bloom flower. My hand falls into his chest and I hear it. His heart is in pain. His heart is crying.

I find myself on the top of his soft bed as he catches his breath while facing me. He looks at me as if he's afraid that I might break in front of him. I put his hand on my face and kissed the palm of his hand as a way of telling him that I'll stay until the pain goes away.

His hand traced my face. I held him close with all my strength and sheltered him in my arms.

This time, Travis' kisses were gentle, painful, anxious and sad.

This time Travis' touch was warm, cautious, needy and delicate.

This time Travis' scent covers my everything.

This time Travis' warmth devoured my whole.

This time, Travis' breath leaves a mark in my soul.

Before he let go, I kissed him yet my tears couldn't stop crying for him. I know one day I might regret this moment with him, or maybe, maybe I won't.

Because in the darkness where I thought I'm lost, in his eyes I found hope.