M A X E N E

I WAKE UP feeling my brain is about to burst. Damn hang-over, I grunted. I look beside my bed and noticed that-- wait, where the fuck am I?

I don't remember how I got here. I feel like something happened last night. Oh yeah, I'm supposed to greet death like an old friend but-- I pinch myself and I squint. Damn it hurts! Yep confirmed, I can still feel pain. I'm still alive, but then why? Assessing my situation I don't know how to react, yet why am I only with my underwear? I tried to check if someone took my vulnerability for granted, but nothing hurts especially down there. Malalaman ko rin naman agad iyon, I have a boyfriend. I mean, I had a boyfriend.

I will never forget the day when we started our relationship on February 18 of 2005. I took a leap of faith with him because I know that he's worth it. However he ended it too soon.

Apat na buwan pagkatapos ng birthday ko, nanlamig siya. Nagbago na lang siya isang araw hanggang sa binitawan na niya ang mga salitang iyon: 'hindi na ikaw ang priority ko,' 'ayaw ko na,' at 'napagod na akong mahalin ka.'

Ang sakit, ang sakit sakit dahil hanggang ngayon dala-dala ko pa rin ang sakit na araw-araw kong nararamdaman mag-isa matapos niyang tuldukan ang relasyon namin na nagtagal ng tatlong taon. Three years. Three fucking years! Why did he just throw those three years away like it didn't matter to him? Saan ba ako nagkulang? Naapakan ko ba ang pride niya? Masyado ba akong demanding? Immature ba ako? Pangit ba ako? Ano pa ba ang dapat kong tingnan sa sarili ko para malaman kung bakit kulang pa ako sa kanya? Bakit hindi pa ako sapat sa kanya?

What the fuck, halos lahat na binigay ko para sa kanya; pero kulang pa rin. Ano pa ba ang dapat kong isugal? Kung tutuusin, walang wala ng natira sa akin. Miski buhay ko kaya ko itapon para sa kanya. I embrace myself asking myself what else could I have done to save us. All I knew was he loves me, I love him; wasn't that enough to keep us? Sa tuwing inaalala ko ang lahat, hindi ko mapigilan na hindi umiyak. Pero dahil sa wala ako sa teritoryo ko, isa lang ang dapat kong gawin ngayon bago pa may mangyari sa akin. Checking my surroundings I couldn't find my clothes from last night, where the fuck are my clothes?

I try to open one of the drawers that wasn't mine and upon checking it I'm sure, lalaki ang may ari ng lugar na ito. I guess one shirt would do since I don't have my purse with me. Kainis! Ano ba ang nangyari sa akin at hindi pa ako namatay kagabi? Kung patay na ako edi sana wala na akong iniisip na ganito, lecheng buhay naman talaga ito!

I wore a white shirt and gladly it was long enough to hide my underwear. I might as well sneak out dahil pakiramdam ko wala namang tao rito. Yet I was naive to think that because I heard the door clicking from the other room, who knows what's behind that room. I should hurry, kung sino man ang lalaking ito, malamang nakunan na niya ako ng litrato na naka-underwear lang. Sigurado naman na sapat na iyon bilang pambayad. I'm a model for goodness sake and if ever he uses my pictures for dirty purposes, wala na akong pakialam dahil lagi naman nandyan si mommy para linisin ang kalat ko bago pa man ito pumutok sa media. Kung may pera ka, makokontrol mo ang lahat.

Papalabas na ako ng kwarto nang may pumigil sa pinto. Malaki ang kamay niya, mula sa kamay niya nakita ko ang braso niya na basang-basa. Napalunok ako na mapagtanto ko na kakapaligo niya pa lang. I looked down wanting to hide my face. I couldn't help but stare from bottom to top. He wore nothing but a towel on his waist. His v-line is revealing, I gulped again. Seeing how slender yet broad his chest up to his shoulders makes me wonder if he works out. His collarbone is exposed. I can't say that he is skinny because there are few muscles that are visible in his body. He's somewhere in between what they call macho and payat. His build is almost similar to Ryan Reynolds with a slight Robert Pattinson vibe when they were still in their early twenties. He's not that buff unlike the models I worked with, but his body is like a work of art. I've seen a lot of guys that are topless, especially in my field of work; but I never saw anything like him. I don't know why it took me a while to see his gaze and I couldn't help to notice those tiny droplets of water falling slowly from his hair. His eyes, those dark intimidating brown eyes. That smug-ish impassive look on his face. He looks familiar, I've seen him somewhere. Somewhere in my memory.

"So you're awake, princess." He greets me with a ghost-looking smile. He looks at me as a whole, I think he is amused by what I'm wearing as I see him raising me an eyebrow, "So you found my clothes." I hate that even the sound of his voice sounds so nice. Boses bagong gising at amoy bagong toothbrush o mouthwash.

"I have nothing to wear." I snapped, "Where are my clothes and I'm outta here!" I demanded. His eyes were careful but I can see that he's laughing at me inside his head, or maybe I'm just paranoid.

"You don't actually need your clothes." he playfully said as he ran his thumb on his lips. I gulped again, "You don't remember what happened last night?" he tilted his head beside with a ray of amusement as if something interesting happened. For a guy who will be able to sleep with someone like me, for sure it's a trophy that they should be proud of. I'm Maxene motherfucking Campbell for goodness sake!

"I don't think something happened last night." I told him, "I should know!" I speak with pride. He chuckled. He just chuckled and that sent shivers to my spine. Who the hell is this guy?

He grabs my chin and holds me close enough to his face, "Maybe you underestimated me, woman." His gaze drowns me and this is bad! I closed my fist controlling my temper, minamaliit niya ba ako?

"Hindi ko alam ang sinasabi mo," I glared pushing him away and unconsciously my hand just landed on his bare chest. Hindi ko alam kung bakit para akong napahiya sa nagawa ko kaya agad kong binawi ang mga kamay ko at hinarap siya, "Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nandito," I narrowed my eyes observing him, "If you got what you wanted, then I'm paid from my debt."

"Unbelievable," He shakes his head, "Sa tingin mo ba bayad ka na sa ginawa mo sa akin kagabi?" what does he mean by that? He scratches his head, and a little frustration forms in his face, "I lost twenty thousand dollars last night, in that race." he said, crossing his arms. I hate that I am staring at his collarbone, to his bare shoulders up to his forearm- wait, why am I complimenting him in my head again?

"What are you talking about?" mamaya nag-iimbento lang ang kumag na ito! Pilit kong inaalala kung may sense ba ang sinasabi niya, pero kumikirot lang ang ulo ko. Buwisit!

"You drunk retarded woman, how could you forget?" he looks at me with disbelief shaking his head, "You even throw up in my car! Mas tanggap ko pa kung sa damit ko ikaw sumuka dahil mas madaling itapon 'yun sa basurahan, pero hindi sa kotse ko. Mangyari na ang lahat wag lang sa kotse ko!" he snaps yet he's trying to maintain his composure around me.

Don't tell me, he's the- no I must be mistaken, "Maybe you got it wrong." paninindigan ko na mali siya ng inaakusahan!

He scoffed, shaking his head in front of me, "Binasag mo ang side mirror ko. Ang kapal ng mukha mo kalimutan ang ginawa mo kagabi sa akin." I might consider him shouting at me if only I'm not looking at him right now. His face seems to hide his emotions very well.

"How much do I owe you?" tanong ko sa kanya para matapos na ito, "Kailangan ko pa umuwi and let's just settle here, right here right now." hindi ako magpapasindak sa lalaking 'to. Huwag niya sabayan ang sakit na iniinda ko sa ulo ko, damn this hangover!

He grinned, his eyes filled with mischief, "I don't need your money." he said with a deep voice, "You owe me more than money could give me." he looks at my feet up to my face.

Hindi naman ako tanga para hindi maintindihan iyon. Lahat naman ng mga lalaki, iyon lang ang gusto. Kapag nakuha na nila iyon, iiwan ka rin nila ng parang laruan na pinagsawaan. I'm pretty sure that this guy is like the other guys who switch from one girl to another. Sa kung paano niya nga ako kausapin, masasabi kong babaero ang kutong-lupa na ito, "Is that what you wanted from me?" nakangisi kong tanong sa kanya, "Eh, bakit hindi mo pa ginawa kagabi?" parang hindi niya inaasahan na ganoon ang magiging sagot ko sa harapan niya. Nawala ang mapaglaro niyang ngiti hanggang sa unti-unting tumuwid ang linya sa kanyang labi. Base sa reaksyon niya wala nga siyang ginawa sa akin. Pero bakit ganito niya ako tingnan, para bang naghahalo ang isip at gusto niyang mangyari? This time I intimidated him, "Wala ka pala eh. Kung ibang lalaki, baka naka-score na sila sa akin habang wala akong malay." I scoffed and saw how his eyes darkened as if I just insulted him.

"Woman, have you lost your sense of dignity?" maingat niyang tanong sa akin, sa lalim ng boses niya alam kong kinokontrol niya ang pagkairita niya sa nasabi ko. Mga lalaki nga naman, nasagasaan ko ba ang pride niya?

I smirked, looking away feeling numb to what is happening in my damned life, "Well, wala na namang mawawala sa akin," I shrugged, "You can take everything away from me, I don't care anymore." I paused, observing him, "Pero kung tulad nga ng sinabi mo kanina, baka nga kailangan kong pagbayaran ang pagkakatalo mo sa karera sa ibang paraan; lalo na at ikaw din ang nagdala sa akin dito." I grinned and saw him taking a step back. I lift up my shirt and I see how his jaw hardened. I dropped the shirt on the floor attempting to unhook my brassiere but before he could see me, he bitterly turned a blind eye facing in the opposite direction where he couldn't see me.

"Lock the door when you go," he said, his voice is solid and cold, "Wear my shirt, I don't care. Your purse is outside."

"Pero akala ko ba kailangan ko magbayad sa iyo?" I scoffed and I saw him throw a huge sigh, "I don't want to owe you anything."

"Just leave." The tone of his voice is like a warning. He's not asking, he's commanding me. His fist turned into a ball as if he's containing himself from my presence.

I grabbed the shirt on the floor to cover myself and immediately left his room wanting to slap my face from that exchange of conversation to a mere stranger. What am I thinking? Wala na talaga siguro akong hiya na natitira sa katawan at ganoon na lang ka-patapon ang tingin ko sa buhay ko. I was out of his room and noticed that his unit was huge. Tama nga ako, penthouse ito.

I saw an upright piano on the right side of the living room. I also couldn't help to notice that he had a mini studio or music room that is divided by a clear glass partition. Inside that room is where he keeps his other musical instrument like his guitar, a bass, and an electric guitar. Is he a musician?

Well, the hell who cares. The time I found my purse and a pair of crocs that I know will fit in my feet. Nag-iwan ako ng cash para pambayad sa shirt na pinahiram niya sa akin at sa crocs na gagamitin ko dahil nahulog nga pala ang sapatos ko sa bangin kagabi. Ayoko lang na may masabi pa siya sa akin at agad na rin akong umalis sa unit niya. I didn't bother asking his name since I'm sure I'm not going to see that face again. Bahala na ako umuwi ng ganito, wala na akong pakialam.

I should have died last night.