I've been sitting on this rough, generic hotel couch for hours trying to write, trying to get any one of my emotions on paper, but nothings come; at least nothing good came. The rough balls of crumpled paper that littered the soft carpet around the room were all shrapnel of writing false starts. I couldn't focus and I couldn't shake my mind free long enough to let it wander into the fantastic, that place I'd sometimes push my mind to when the reality around me simple wasn't conducive to my craft. My abandoned room service tray still lays untouched, where the hotel employee had placed it at my request. Sydney was overwhelming my mind and I simply could not shake free of her. Throwing the pen across the room, I push a loud sigh from my lungs. Sure I didn't think our meeting would go smoothly, but I never imagined it would go as badly as it did. She didn't even want to hear my apology, didn't believe my apology, but I am so very sorry. Slipping my dominant hand back through my hair as the images from earlier today floated through my head and it was the raw, pained look on her face when she first saw me that stuck in my mind. The sharp sound of a knock at my door pulled me from my spiraling thoughts. Hopping off the couch and taking the few steps to the door, I opened it only to be met with that same sad looking face my mind had just been drowning in. She didn't look any happier than she had hours earlier, still I couldn't help but let the slightest twinge of excitement rush through me knowing she came to me; she sought me out on her own. We stood there completely silent for a few moments, each of us looking over the other. Sydney's slight frame covered in black yoga pants, a maroon hoodie with the university's initials scrawled across the front, and grey running shoes. At a glance, she looked like any college student you'd find wandering around any college town on any given day, but her face was etched with hurt, and she wasn't any college student. This was Sydney. My Sydney.

"I'm going for a drive," her voice soft and uncertain sounding, "you coming?" Giving her a wordless nod I turned back into the small room, stepping into my shoes and grabbing my jacket, before I followed her out into the night air to her car. Our drive was both silent and short before she pulled into what appeared to be a small park edged with trees at the top of what was likely the largest hill in this flat expense of land. Without a word she stepped out of her car and I followed behind. She stopped in the middle of a larger patch of perfectly manicured grass and turning my head to see what she was so intently studying, I found that from this hillside park you could see all of the college campus faintly lit in the distance. From here the entire town appeared to be asleep with barely any movement visible, the only sign of life the faint lights around those large brick buildings that were so foreign to me, but surely so well known to her. Turning to face Sydney, hoping to find her watching me, waiting for my next move, but instead I found her dark shadow laying down on he grass. The only lighting in the park was what little was reflecting up from the town below and the light given off by the night sky, as a result it was impossible to make out her features, my eyes only able to see her dark silhouette. Taking a seat beside her, slightly more than an arms length away, I watched as she laid back, her arms under her head as it appeared she was watching the night sky. Tilting my chin up, I find myself momentarily lost amongst all the sparkling pin holes in the ebony fabric of the night sky above us.

"How have you been?" The casualness of her soft voice surprised me, as if this were just another Sunday night conversation. Moving my eyes back to her and studying her dark outline, I wished there had been enough light up here to make out her features, instead we were lost in the blanket of night with only our words making up our being.

"Lonely." The word dripped from my lips without a thought and it surprised me. I'd felt a lot of things lately, but I hadn't really recognized that specific emotion. "Upset about what's going on between us. How about you?" Crossing my outstretched legs, I placed my palms out flat behind me and continued to watch her stoic frame.

"I'm pissed off." The anger now present in that voice conveyed everything her eyes had in her living room.

"You said you wouldn't be mad at me no matter what I told you." Internally shaking my head at myself as I heard those feeble words. I knew those words were trivial and there was no way any reasonable person would expect her to hold to that statement. Even an unreasonable person such as myself couldn't.

"You didn't tell me." Her words curt. "You strung me along hoping I'd never figure it out." Her shadow shifted, turning her head to look at me and I could feel her piercing eyes trying to stare through me and her gaze hurt. I couldnt see her eyes, but I could feel the hurt held in those soft green irises held.

"I was going to tell you." Her loud sigh drifted between us before floating off into the tree along the edge of the park. "I should have told you. I'm sorry." My anxiety was starting to raise as I waited for her to accept my apology or even just give me any acknowledgement that I was trying to make things right.

"I miss you. I miss our conversations. I miss talking to Jamie." Her voice beyond exhausted sounding, it made me want to reach out to her, but the knot in my gut told me she's only push me away. Shifting to lay flat on my stomach, moving only slightly closer to her, my fingers moving casually through the blades of cool grass.

"I'm right here." Her head turned, looking away from me as my weak voice met her ears.

"But Jamie was a lie." Her voice faltered slightly causing a small crack in my exterior.

"A mask maybe, but not a lie." Laying me head down on my crossed forearms, still watching the back of her head.

"You lied about who you were."

"No, I omitted certain pieces of information, but I never lied." Closing my eyes And drawing a sturdy breath I tried to find the right words to explain myself. "Those things I left out only prevented you from knowing things like what my profession is, but that in no way changes the person you got to know." My voice on the verge of pleading with her to understand. "I'm still that same person you've been talking to since last August."

"The name was a lie." I sighed heavily at her words. The depth of hurt in her voice didn't make sense to me over something as simple as my name and it was becoming frustrating.

"That's a name I've used occasionally, it wasn't just something I came up with on the fly." Trying to contain my growing frustration with this whole situation and what was quickly starting to feel like her overreaction. "I am Jamie and you know that."

"I have no idea who you really are now." She spat at me finally turning to face me again.

"Yes you do and you know so much about me, about who I really am." My words aimed just as harshly at her.

"I just need you to find a way to go back in time and tell me."

"I didn't do this to hurt you."

"Sure."

"Sydney," sitting up, folding my legs over each other and running my hand back through my hair trying to push down my frustration and focus on fixing the pain I'd put her through, "that first night we talked, it was so refreshing to talk to someone who had no expectations of me. I was just another faceless person made up of words on a screen. I didn't want to lose that feeling of normalcy I got from chatting with you."

"You wouldn't have."

"The night you asked my name, if I had given you my legal name, how would things have gone from there? Would you have still been comfortable talking to me about all those things?"

"I hate Prince." Those cold, piercing words thrust from her lips and as I winced I was sure they landed exactly where she wanted them to.

"Why?" It was time for my voice to appear soft and cautious as her words left me in a daze.

"Because I ... he ... you ..."

"Sydney," even in the shadows I saw her head whip towards mine, "things are no different. You can tell me anything." Not being able to see her face was killing me, I wanted to know so badly what truths her expression held, instead the only hint I got was the slightest sniffle.

"You took advantage of the things I told Jamie, the things I told you." Shaking my head trying to force her words to fall into an order that would makes sense.

"How did I..."

"You shouldn't have touched me until you told me." Those words crashed over me like bricks and with those simple words all her anger and hurt was make clear. "You knew I was vulnerable," my heart stopped as I heard the tears in her words as she sat up, "you used that to get what you wanted." She as started to stand all I could picture was her walking away and never talking to me again. That was a thought I couldn't stand, so I did the only thing I could think and lunged forward, wrapping my arms securely around her waist. Pulling back down to the grass she landed on her ass in front of me as my arms stayed tight around her waist and I sat behind her on my knees.

"Please listen," my words begged as the sound of her crying became louder and more painful, "I didn't use what you told me to get what I wanted. I'm sorry." Resting my chin on her trembling shoulder as I realized she hadn't once fought me embracing her. "You're right, I fucked up. I shouldn't have touched you, I wanted to see you smile, I wanted you to know what it feels like when you're with a man that values you, I wanted you, but I should have told you first." Her breath was coming in loud hiccups as her frame sank back further against me. "I didn't plan that at all, I just wanted to meet you. To see your face. I decided I was going to tell you later that night, after the show, but you were gone." Burying my face against her shoulder as her hands came to rest on top of mine against her stomach.  "Then I was just a coward. I was too afraid of losing you. You've become too important to me. I was stupid Sydney and I can't change it, but I am so sorry for ever hurting you." Her crying started to quiet as we sat there in the silence amongst my lingering words. Resting my cheek on her shoulder as I held her waiting. Waiting for anything that would signal forward momentum in our conversation. Waiting for her tears to stop. Waiting for her to say anything. At this point I'd even take her lashing out against me. I just needed to see some reaction from her, some indication that our friendship, or whatever this is becoming, means something, anything to her. The more vast the silence around us grew the more afraid I became that I'd truly ruined everything, that I'd lost her for good. Just as a single, silent tear passed over my lower lashes I felt her fingers start to move on the back of my hands before entwining our fingers into a firm grip.

To Be Continued...