YOONGI: Lilly I need to talk to you

LILLY: I think you said enough that day.

YOONGI: You can't keep ignoring me forever.

LILLY: You told me to never speak to you again.

YOONGI: Lilly...

LILLY: Isn't that what a breakup is? Ignoring each other forever?

YOONGI: Lilly I didn't mean it, I was worked up.

LILLY: Does it matter why? What matters is you did. You cared so little for me that even a small inconvenience caused you to hate me.

YOONGI: I don't hate you.

LILLY: No? And the way you looked at me that day was out of love?

YOONGI: I was angry! Please, Lilly.

LILLY: Our relationship, if you could call it that, was toxic. What makes you think I'll take you back when I didn't take Jimin back?

YOONGI: That's different.

LILLY: Really?

YOONGI: Yes, it was definitely different!

LILLY: Let's see. You both broke my heart, you both lost control of your emotions and made bad decisions, you both came begging as if it was that simple, you both don't understand my point of view until it's too late.

YOONGI: Can't you hear me out? You listened to Jimin, you heard what he had to say.

LILLY: I know exactly what you're insinuating right now and it's not helping your case.

YOONGI: Please, Lilly, hear me out.

LILLY: I don't think we should...

YOONGI: I won't take too much of your time. You can send me away whenever and I won't fight it.

LILLY: We should just move on, Yoongi. This is what you wanted, for it to end.

YOONGI: I will not give up on you that easily!

LILLY: You broke up with me, remember?

YOONGI: I know, and I have never regretted anything more in my life. Please, let me speak to you.

LILLY: Fine. Come now before I change my mind.

. . . . . 

Lilly:

I push my phone from me, ignoring the little buzz it makes moments later.

There goes my resolve. As soon as I turned on the phone, I couldn't help it. I'm not surprised, he was the only thing on my mind for the past few days. But is it fair to take Yoongi back and not Jimin?

You want to take Yoongi back because you never loved Jimin.

I grimace as this thought stings. Am I really that type of person? Leading someone on with minimal emotions? Did I really not love Jimin?

I nod to myself. It's true, I definitely liked Jimin and he fascinated me with his life and his personality. Not to mention the fact that I had never met someone so attractive before. But my feelings for Yoongi can't be explained with words. The ache for him, the willingness to throw my life away for him. Why have I become this type of person once again?

It's been a few days since he broke up with me. Three long, bland, empty days. I seem to have lost a bit of weight as I haven't been eating well since that day. The stress has me so strung and anxious, keeping food down has been a feat.

I had a sudden anxiety attack yesterday from all the stress of ignoring Yoongi at work. It was also triggered by the BTS members constantly pestering me.

Each and every single one of them came up to me and asked me to just hear him out. It became frustrating and exhausting.

"He regrets it so much, you have no idea,"

"He hasn't smiled in so long,"

"Have you stopped loving him?"

"He misses you, so damn much. I don't think he's felt this way about a girl before,"

"I understand what he's going through. It's painful,"

"Just hear him out, huh?"

Why don't they understand my point of view? Why don't they understand what he did to me? Why don't they understand I need to look after myself before dealing with Yoongi?

Yet, I can't help taking in their words and storing them in my memory so I can call them forth as I need to, making my stubbornness falter.

Lost in my thoughts, I jump as I hear someone knock on the door.

Yoongi.

My spirits lift as I jump up and rush to the door. Just before I open it, I freeze. I can't be this excited to see him. I can't throw myself at him or it'll never get better.

Cold, cold as ice. I recite my new quote as I calm myself down.

I open the door slowly and carefully. Yoongi stands in the doorway, wide-eyed and tense. He looks on the brink of falling apart. He is pale and a little thinner as if he hasn't eaten since that day.

I swallow the lump in my throat at the sight of him and step aside, allowing him to pass.

He shuffles in, his hands deep in his pockets and his eyes avoiding mine. I watch him, trembling slightly.

For a moment, I want to forgive him. I want to run up and hug him, pull him tightly into me, saying everything will be okay and I will forgive him. But I can't.

I am strong, and my happiness is important. I won't let anyone make me submissive again, the way I was back then. Even the one I love.

Yoongi heads to the lounge room and I follow, careful to leave distance between the two of us.

He sits down, and I sit on the opposite side of the couch from him. I feel a pinch of guilt as he looks away from me, biting his lip.

After a moment of silence, Yoongi speaks up.

"Hey, Lilly," He murmurs, still not looking at me. I can't see his face so I'm not sure what he's thinking.

"Hey, Yoongi," I reply, fiddling with my phone hesitantly.

"I won't apologize," He mutters, suddenly firm. I frown as he turns his body so he's facing me. His eyes are red, and his hands are shaking. From nervousness, or anger?

"Why?" I ask.

"Because you've heard it enough," He says, holding my gaze, "You don't need more apologies, you need the truth. You need promises and you need to see change,"

I'm struck dumb by his reasoning. It's almost like he's put my stubborn attitude into words. Like he understands why I'm being like this.

I nod, unable to respond.

"What I did was stupid and reckless. I should have listened to you, I should have tried to understand, and I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. I should have trusted you," He slowly and gently clasps my hand, holding it between his. My heart leaps into my throat as his warmness melts the ice I built around my heart.

"That's right," I murmur, trying and failing to sound firm.

"I want to try again," He asks, shuffling over so his leg is touching my hip, facing his body towards me, "I want to show you I can change and grow. I want to make these mistakes with you. I want to change with you. I want us to trust each other. I want to be with you through all these things. I want you and only you,"

I'm moved. I can't think of a better term for how I am feeling. The ice is long gone from my heart and it beats faster, begging for him.

This is what I wanted to hear; this is exactly how I wanted this to go.

But most importantly, I'm so glad I didn't have to beg him to say these things. He said them on his own.

I nod, smiling slightly as the urge to hug him overwhelms me.

Yoongi beams, taking my nod as approval. He leans forward to hug me. I want to lose myself in his embrace, I want to close the gap between us and become intoxicated by his scent. But I can't. We need to talk.

I put my hands up, stopping him from wrapping his arms around me. His face falls as he frowns.

"We need to talk it through, step by step, so we don't make the same mistakes," I murmur. Yoongi stops frowning, leaning back and waiting.

"The way you immediately assumed I did something with your friend hurt, a lot. It hurt that you didn't believe me," I begin.

Yoongi nods, obviously trying not to smile. He seems too caught up in the fact that I am allowing us to try again.

"I understand. But you understand where I was coming from, right?" Yoongi asks quietly.

"Of course," I scoff, "I'm not a selfish person, I understood that it looked too real, but after it was confirmed false you broke up with me,"

"I didn't mean it, I was just so angry seeing Jimin there after seeing Vanilla," Yoongi says quickly, "I was too worked up to think properly, I just wanted to get away. I never expected my anger to get the better of me," Yoongi opens his mouth to add something, but stops.

I frown at him as he looks away, a little uncomfortable.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

He takes a moment to answer, but when he does, he speaks slowly and quietly.

"I don't have good control of my anger because I don't have good control of my emotions. You see, I struggled with depression, well," He scoffs, "Depression never really leaves, you just learn to deal with it,"

I stare at him for a moment, completely shocked.

"I... I never knew," I whisper. Of course, he has trouble with his emotions when his brain is sitting there, punching itself repeatedly.

I struggled with depression most of my life. I learnt about it at a young age though, so I could learn and understand what was going on with me. It's difficult but it's worth moving on from. It never goes away, especially after stressful days like the past few days. It gets hard, and why shouldn't it? The brain is too busy making soup with the chemicals to work properly. I have had moments when I just wanted to end it. Not die, but simply not exist. Vanish into thin air like I was never born. But I conquered it and moved on to the next problem life wanted to throw at me. And now, looking up at Yoongi's eyes, I think it was worth the trouble.

Yoongi looks away from me as if scared I am going to push him away because of this problem.

"It's okay," I smile, lightly nudging his chin so he looks at me, "I have it too,"

His frown slowly transforms into a smile, beaming so confidently that I forget momentarily that I didn't want to touch him until the conversation was over.

"Really?" He asks, placing his hand on my cheek. I nod as I grab his hand and pull it away from my face, holding it in my hands instead.

"Now," I begin, composing myself, "We still have things to talk about,"

"I understand," Yoongi grins, staring at me like he's been told to memorize every pore.

"Now, your anger scared me. But now I understand why, we can work on it together,"

"I'll become so mentally strong, nothing will push me to the brink again," He grins as I giggle.

"Yah, this is serious," I chastise. Yoongi nods, still grinning.

"It's okay, keep going," He encourages. I roll my eyes, trying to remember what else I wanted to talk about. But I think we've answered most of my questions, except one.

I bite my lip. I can't ask him this whilst we are grinning at each other like this. Yoongi notices my change in expression, letting his face go blank.

"I can take it, tell me," He murmurs.

I take a deep breath and speak.

"Why was breaking up the first thing that came to your mind?" I ask. I immediately regret it as Yoongi's eyes widen in shock. I bite my lip, wishing I had never said anything at all.

But I need to know. It's the one thing that made me so set on moving on.

"I just... I guess I didn't trust you," Yoongi sighs sadly, "I think subconsciously I was waiting for something like this to happen to confirm my jealousy,"

For a second, I'm unsure whether he understood my question. But then I realize what he means.

"I got carried away with my fears," He confirms. I smile, grabbing his hands with mine and gently rubbing his knuckles.

"I see," I mumble.

"I understand if you don't trust me now, but I want to work on that. I want to get better, together,"

I smile wider, allowing him to pull me in for a hug.

"I know," I smirk, taking in his smell. He smells distinctly of a general male body odour, a body wash and washing powder he must use all the time. The combination is unique and intoxicating. I close my eyes, resting my head on his shoulder as my body starts to relax, one muscle at a time.

After a while, he's sitting, leaning against the couch and I am leaning against him, his hand on my hip and my head on his shoulder, his other hand in mine.

He has his palm out, letting me run my fingers up and down it, circling and gliding over his skin. His forearms have wave after wave of goosebumps.

He starts giggling, wiggling his fingers frantically.

"Is it ticklish?" I ask, grinning.

"A bit," He smirks, grabbing my hand before I can continue. He brings it to his lips, planting a small kiss there. I blush, looking up at him. His eyes darken as he kisses my hand again, tightening his grip on my hip.

I hold his gaze, uncertain yet comfortable.

Even though we have our problems, even though I really should be thinking of myself, he has shown he wants to try, he wasn't cliché, and he didn't beg. I love him, and he loves me.

We can make this work.

He leans forward, pressing his lips desperately into mine. I sigh with happiness as I let my emotions consume me.

He pulls back, looking down at me with bright, excited eyes.

"I love you, Lilly," He whispers. I smirk and place my hands on the back of his neck.

"I love you too, Yoongi,"

He grins, allowing me to pull him in for another kiss.

I lose myself in him.